Tropes you see on the road

[sierraman]

43 minutes ago, Adrian_pt said:

Friday Polo on the M4: Polo crammed full of impossibly happy 20 year olds with signet rings and the sort of genetics that imply generations of right life choices. Inside filthy and full of clobber, tennis rackets, cartridges etc. Sticker on  the back saying "Exeter - probably the best university in the world" aping the Carlsberg logo. On the way to someone's country house for a festival / shoot. Next car will be a Golf, then an Audi A6 estate or a Discovery.  For bonus points, there's a yellow SMTC badge attached shonkily to the grille. 

Must have one of those big paper stickers they give at Glastonbury for the car parking, faded to fuck. 

[Adrian_pt]

1 minute ago, sierraman said:

Must have one of those big paper stickers they give at Glastonbury for the car parking, faded to fuck. 

Yep. Definitely played Granny or Glasto a few times - is the battered hatchback doing 60 in the slow lane carrying Sid and Doris to the garden centre, or Hugo and Arabella on a comedown?

[Cavcraft]

VW campers (the 1960s/70s things).

Straw boater. Beard. Arm out of the window. Kids call him by his first name. Goes to all the VW shows in his individual* camper. Says 'dub' a lot. Does that ridiculous upside fist 'VW' sign at other Poxwagen owners.  Looks the same all the other ones. Calls people 'dude' and has a cheesy grin.  Talks for hours about twin port/Subaru/headers/73 windows. Buys Cornflakes loose and puts them in his Tupperware box. Girlfriend will have red hair, tattoos and spacky ankle boots that aren't even done up.  Says 'yeah man' every 11 seconds. Drives down the fucking A41 at 35 miles an hour with his arm out of the window thinking he's cool. Oblivious to every poor sod behind him who actually wanted to complete their 3 mile journey in less than 17 weeks.  Probably deaf from that absolute wank pit of an engine.  

[Rocket88]

,Midlife crisis convertible. Make and model depends on income/level of future penury

Sir: Coiffure: either bald, or shonky Turkish barber geometric job

Apparel: Monogrammed polo shirt, beige chinos, deck shoes. Raybans

Madame: Coiffure: Bleach blonde with roots fashionably showing. Has been in the oven too long, judging by skin tone

Apparel. Polo neck, sweater as scarf, pedal pushers, loafers. Sophia Loren sunglasses . Seethes with resentment in the knowledge that husband has just hired 22 year old rubber dinghy receptionist.

 

 

[Inspector Morose]

This thread reminds me of the Bumper Book of Car Toons by Don Grant, a book poured over in my childhood.

[N19]

3 hours ago, Soundwave said:

Bit of a niche one, and a bit cheaty since it's technically not a road user, but...

The Phantom Emergency - only ever encountered after dark during November and December, and usually on twisty roads. As you approach a blind bend, you notice a flashing blue glow coming from around the corner. You pull over and wait, expecting an ambulance or police car to come barrelling around the corner at any moment. After a minute or so, the blue flash continues, but doesn't seem to have gotten any closer. You notice that it's pretty intense - perhaps there has been an incident around the corner, and multiple vehicles are in attendance. Unable to ignore your curiosity, you creep around the corner in 1st, bracing yourself for what scenes of horror might be unfolding on the road ahead...

... the road is totally clear, but some tasteless cunt has decked out their house with 20,000 "ice blue" LED Christmas lights, with every string of 50 flashing out of sync with the rest. Not only does it look shit, but to everyone within a 2-mile radius who can't see the house directly, it looks like the emergency response to a fucking plane crash is in progress. Inevitably, the house is a new build with visible cracks already appearing in the mortar and a financed Evoque outside. 



Please tell me it's not just me who's fallen for this before?  

There's one on a road I often go down and, despite knowing this, I still have a second thought as I pass every time...

[DavieW]

34 minutes ago, Inspector Morose said:

This thread reminds me of the Bumper Book of Car Toons by Don Grant, a book poured over in my childhood.

I've never heard of that book but I had to see if Ebay had a copy - but bought one for £2.19 😎

[Inspector Morose]

1 hour ago, DavieW said:

I've never heard of that book but I had to see if Ebay had a copy - but bought one for £2.19 😎

Don Grant is the son of Gregor Grant who founded Autosport magazine.

[Metal Guru]

5 hours ago, N19 said:

There's one on a road I often go down and, despite knowing this, I still have a second thought as I pass every time...

You also get people who live close to bust A roads but in the sticks who have 500W PIR floodlights at the front door. Either the cat activated them or they can’t set the timer right so they stay on for 59 minutes at a time, but as you approach it looks like someone is approaching with a fully set of rally lights on full beam.

 

[paulplom]

On 10/4/2023 at 2:06 PM, sierraman said:

Give us the stereotypes you see on the road! 
 

I’ll start... Plumbers Wife - usually seen in an upmarket SUV, ideally of this year’s registration driven by the wife of a successful tradesman that is out working an 80 hour week. 

I have a 16 year old audi a4 cabriolet with rusty front wings and gf has a 13 year old C max 1.6 tdci which is battered to fuck.

Mind you I only do about a quarter of the hours above if you're lucky.

[sierraman]

41 minutes ago, paulplom said:

I have a 16 year old audi a4 cabriolet with rusty front wings and gf has a 13 year old C max 1.6 tdci which is battered to fuck.

Mind you I only do about a quarter of the hours above if you're lucky.

You know the type though, has a 19 plate Transit in purple with all the shit stuck to it and the big wheels. Wears a gillet and calls himself ‘xxxxxxxx solutions’ or some aspirational name 😂

[rusty_vw_man]

How about ‘the alternative’ driver.

Their car is a wacky* extension of their personality* - think brightly coloured Citroen Cactus, a Nissan Cube or similar automotive follies. May also be a Mazda Bongo. 

Typically dressed in their own crazy* style, typically comprising of Peruvian yak herding gear (you know the stuff, rough natural fabrics). Alternatively may be dressed like it’s the 1930s, or in a lot of Barbour despite living in Coventry town centre. It doesn’t matter, it’s just important that they are dressed like loads of other people but consider themselves unique. 

Despite driving 50k miles a year in their diesel personality extension, they regularly attend anti oil and anti fracking demos. 

Often seen in farmers markets and Waitrose. 

Driving style is sensible, law abiding and boring. Like them. 

[rusty_vw_man]

31 minutes ago, sierraman said:

You know the type though, has a 19 plate Transit in purple with all the shit stuck to it and the big wheels. Wears a gillet and calls himself ‘xxxxxxxx solutions’ or some aspirational name 😂

Yep - for bonus points it’s DMS Solutions, but you later find out he’s Darren Smith. Wonder how you came up with the name…..

[Split_Pin]

After reading this, I realise how much I hate people 😂

[sierraman]

15 minutes ago, Split_Pin said:

After reading this, I realise how much I hate people 😂

It’s enough to make you want to go and live on the Orkneys. 

[Erebus]

Have we had suspiciously slowly and carefully driven performance car?  Usually found dawdling along at a constant 60mph on the motorway even when it's quiet, or accelerating at a barely perceptible rate.  Owner has maxed out his credit cards to buy and insure the thing so the fuel consumption is crippling him, hence the overly sensible cruising speed.  Always used to be an Impreza WRX STI or EVO when they were more common on the roads

[Split_Pin]

7 minutes ago, sierraman said:

It’s enough to make you want to go and live on the Orkneys. 

That's full of mad alkies!

[artdjones]

31 minutes ago, Split_Pin said:

That's full of mad alkies!

That sounds preferable to a lot of the stereotypes on the mainland.

[artdjones]

An Irish stereotype would be the ICA member. The ICA is the Irish Countrywomen's Association. It's like the WI but rural in focus.

The person will be in their 60s or 70s , with blue rinsed hair. They can be encountered driving from an ICA meeting to take tea at cousin John-Joe's farm. The car is almost invariably a Toyota in silver. It could be any of the smaller models, but most commonly will be a Corolla saloon. The speed never varies, always around 60-70kph, even on a National Road with a 100 limit. When you are finally able to get past, their eyes are always level with the top of the steering wheel.

When encountered in their own home they are invariably excellent bakers.

[Stinkwheel]

On 10/5/2023 at 8:26 PM, EyesWeldedShut said:

Aberystwyth - back in August, just this ^^^^ 
Sat in my car and watched a bloke in a mahoosive, brand new MB thing (GLS?) driving around the car park until he spots a space that's big enough for his car. He then sits there with the hazards on until smol car leaves space and then his other half pops out, sees him back and *tada* they're parked.
Then four kids and two other adults get out of the thing (!), grab buckets and spades and leg it, beachwards.
Didn't have the heart to tell 'em that the beach is all shingle and there's a 3 hour max limit on the car park  

Not just in summer, as a regular in Aberystwyth (live 15 mins away) this basically describes anyone visiting from further afield all year round.

 

As a comment on the thread in general, weirdly, i seem to fit into about 4 or 5 of these tropes. Not quite sure how that works, but it does   🤣

[New POD]

3 hours ago, Erebus said:

Have we had suspiciously slowly and carefully driven performance car?  Usually found dawdling along at a constant 60mph on the motorway even when it's quiet, or accelerating at a barely perceptible rate.  Owner has maxed out his credit cards to buy and insure the thing so the fuel consumption is crippling him, hence the overly sensible cruising speed.  Always used to be an Impreza WRX STI or EVO when they were more common on the roads

When I was in the Mk2 cavalier owners network, I attended a show in Northamptonshire. On the way back up the M6 n the Sunday afternoon, I was in convoy with 3 other members, going north of Birmingham.  Anyway we were all thrashing on at erm licence removing speeds. Mine was the slowest and loudest with 115 bhp and a peco back box. 2 of the others had XE 150 bhp and the other was an SEH with 130 bhp. 

Came across a convoy of Ford RS classics. A capri 280i, a couple of 3 door coswarts, a 2 door RS2000, and a Mexico.  

We slotted into the convoy, at less than50 mph in the slow lane. For a couple of miles.

And then, moved out to the fast lane and all 4 of us floored it.  I still don't understand what possesses someone to buy a car capable of twice the speed limit and not drive at least to the speed limit. 

 

[neil1971]

On 10/4/2023 at 5:13 PM, Talbot said:

The skinflint.  Usually seen driving an older half-decent car that they bought for penuts, and often mention to people that it's "not bad for £xxx".  Rarely washed, some small minor damage that they can't be arsed sorting out.  Often running on Veg oil or some other cheapo fuel.

oh... hang on...

Inspired thread!

This is probably the closest to me so far, especially the rarely washed bit, but mine is petrol so no veg!

[warch]

21 hours ago, Cavcraft said:

VW campers (the 1960s/70s things).

Straw boater. Beard. Arm out of the window. Kids call him by his first name. Goes to all the VW shows in his individual* camper. Says 'dub' a lot. Does that ridiculous upside fist 'VW' sign at other Poxwagen owners.  Looks the same all the other ones. Calls people 'dude' and has a cheesy grin.  Talks for hours about twin port/Subaru/headers/73 windows. Buys Cornflakes loose and puts them in his Tupperware box. Girlfriend will have red hair, tattoos and spacky ankle boots that aren't even done up.  Says 'yeah man' every 11 seconds. Drives down the fucking A41 at 35 miles an hour with his arm out of the window thinking he's cool. Oblivious to every poor sod behind him who actually wanted to complete their 3 mile journey in less than 17 weeks.  Probably deaf from that absolute wank pit of an engine.  

I hate these fuckers. They tend to be 'alternative lite' so all in favour of plastic environmentalism, where it involves a bit of recycling or growing their own, but doesn't impinge on  their ability to go on frequent jaunts overseas to Goa or Guatemala or have seven kids. They usually work in ostensibly left wing professions like social work or for charitable bodies but at management level so they're also closet reactionaries. My brother owns a house next door to this aging hippy type, all outwardly tie dye and free love but is actually a complete fascist, he has a CCTV system and interrogates people he finds using the common access down the side of his property. 

[artdjones]

18 minutes ago, warch said:

I hate these fuckers. They tend to be 'alternative lite' so all in favour of plastic environmentalism, where it involves a bit of recycling or growing their own, but doesn't impinge on  their ability to go on frequent jaunts overseas to Goa or Guatemala or have seven kids. They usually work in ostensibly left wing professions like social work or for charitable bodies but at management level so they're also closet reactionaries. My brother owns a house next door to this aging hippy type, all outwardly tie dye and free love but is actually a complete fascist, he has a CCTV system and interrogates people he finds using the common access down the side of his property. 

The "nice" people have been indoctrinated into believing that anyone trying to make a profit, whether by selling stuff, or selling their labours is a capitalist running dog who would probably cut their throats for £100. So they are quite often very suspicious people.

On a similar note, hippies and social worker types who go over to the dark side and start businesses are often incredibly ruthless. They have been taught that that's the way business people are and they feel they are acting normally. Of course, greed comes into it, too.

[dozeydustman]

The skanks.

Normally seen in a 20+ year old Astra they’ve purchased from a bloke called Mick in the car park of flat-roof pub. In their ownership it has never been cleaned and has green mould inside and out. Ashtray full of dog ends of roll-up. He is thin and dishevelled, long greasy hair, permanent roll-up on the go, old jumper with holes and grease stained jeans. She is morbidly obese, wears elasticated waist skirts and horrible nylon t-shirts without a bra. May also be seen wearing a velour tracksuit and one of those clowns on a 9ct gold chain from Argos. Again unwashed and unkempt.
 

Both smell of a unique blend of clothes that sat in the washing machine for 3 weeks after the cycle finished, stale cooking oil, fagash & wee. Both have food & drink stains on their tops. The car smells the same inside.

They know someone who can do their MoT for £10 just by looking at whether the engine has oil in it. Jettison litter from their car, normally a wrapper or drinks can from Farmfoods own brand products.

Previous cars will include a decommissioned ambulance which was used to transport their many children. Has a rusting transit parked in the front garden in which has become the youngest child’s bedroom but was originally going to be their camper when they first bought it in 1987.

They both gave up on life after the 3rd eldest son was arrested for breaking and entering the 7th time.

[cobblers]

Mrs White Jeep Renegade.

45 year old middle manager in the council, not because she's any good at it, but because she's no good at anything and has ended up where she is purely because the staff around her left and she'd worked there for ages. Sweaty hands. Has a feral French Bulldog called "Sooki" that can barely breathe and every waking moment of it's life is spent in misery, but she's very cute.

"Bubbly" on the face of it, but underneath she's incredibly paranoid and passive aggresive and is unable to maintain a relationship for more than a few weeks,  Knows less than nothing about cars, hence why she's ended up with a Jeep Renegade. 

Drives at 25mph through supermarket carparks, tailgates the fuck out of people up to about 40mph, but left to her own devices on an open road she has absolutely no idea how fast she can take a given corner so she'll be that dickhead that brakes hard unnecessarily mid corner.

 

[artdjones]

I'm not sure Orkney is far enough away.

[paulplom]

7 hours ago, sierraman said:

You know the type though, has a 19 plate Transit in purple with all the shit stuck to it and the big wheels. Wears a gillet and calls himself ‘xxxxxxxx solutions’ or some aspirational name 😂

People with solutions or bespoke on their van invariably don't know what they're doing.

There was a 'Bespoke Boilers' van around this area. How the fuck is a boiler bespoke? Does he make them from scratch himself. Fair play if he does.

[sierraman]

5 minutes ago, paulplom said:

People with solutions or bespoke on their van invariably don't know what they're doing.

There was a 'Bespoke Boilers' van around this area. How the fuck is a boiler bespoke? Does he make them from scratch himself. Fair play if he does.

Saw ‘Artisan Electrical’ the other day, wonder who that’s aimed at😂. 

 

1 hour ago, cobblers said:

Mrs White Jeep Renegade.

45 year old middle manager in the council, not because she's any good at it, but because she's no good at anything and has ended up where she is purely because the staff around her left and she'd worked there for ages. Sweaty hands. Has a feral French Bulldog called "Sooki" that can barely breathe and every waking moment of it's life is spent in misery, but she's very cute.

"Bubbly" on the face of it, but underneath she's incredibly paranoid and passive aggresive and is unable to maintain a relationship for more than a few weeks,  Knows less than nothing about cars, hence why she's ended up with a Jeep Renegade. 

Drives at 25mph through supermarket carparks, tailgates the fuck out of people up to about 40mph, but left to her own devices on an open road she has absolutely no idea how fast she can take a given corner so she'll be that dickhead that brakes hard unnecessarily mid corner.

 

I know of people like that, they gave up on life before the placenta came out after them. 

[MiniMinorMk3]

7 hours ago, rusty_vw_man said:

How about ‘the alternative’ driver.

Their car is a wacky* extension of their personality* - think brightly coloured Citroen Cactus, a Nissan Cube or similar automotive follies. May also be a Mazda Bongo. 

Typically dressed in their own crazy* style, typically comprising of Peruvian yak herding gear (you know the stuff, rough natural fabrics). Alternatively may be dressed like it’s the 1930s, or in a lot of Barbour despite living in Coventry town centre. It doesn’t matter, it’s just important that they are dressed like loads of other people but consider themselves unique. 

Despite driving 50k miles a year in their diesel personality extension, they regularly attend anti oil and anti fracking demos. 

Often seen in farmers markets and Waitrose. 

Driving style is sensible, law abiding and boring. Like them. 

They used to drive 2CVs in the olden days with CND, Save the Whale and Greenpeace stickers on the boot.