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Tropes you see on the road


sierraman

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10 hours ago, GrumpiusMaximus said:

'Failure in their 30s'.

Drives an old car that was once considered a decent model but is now towards the end of its life, diesel, covered in dents from a previous owner and rarely washed.  Bonus points for slightly obscure, quick-ish estates.   Likes cars but can't afford anything newer and secretly harbours ambitions of owning a modern as they sat in one once and quite liked it.  Usually have had several jobs and have finally settled into a career that is inexplicably dull to everybody around them.

On the road they usually drive sensibly but are occasionally filled with rage from their relative failures as a human and like to boot it away from much quicker cars at opportune moments because there is nothing left for them in this life.  Gets shouted at occasionally for using the horn in frustration and flashing their lights at oncoming cars with their beam on.  Uses their indicators fastidiously but has never quite got the hang of roundabouts.

I'm 35.

I was about to get all offended, but then I remembered I'm actually 40. 🤨

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9 hours ago, artdjones said:

After reading through this ..... 😔

 

Is it wrong of me to be so glad I left the UK over 300 years ago?

Highland clearances ? 

No. The UK is just as good as it ever was. 

I'm sure other countries have there own stereotypes. 

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9 hours ago, egg said:

Sometimes also a Hyundai i10, which they bought to replace their Toyota Corolla when there was the scrappage scheme.

Possible it is in the UK. But here, an i10 is a rare car. And Toyota is king among the elderly. So fortunately I can say since I own one that the i10 is not a typical old people's car here.

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9 hours ago, popularplus said:

BMW/Audi drivers - More money than sense

Though these days these owners have moved on to Teslas!

The Tesla Driver - a pretentious prick usually who looks down their nose at everyone else as they are clearly doing their bit for The 'Vironment and the rest of us Tesla-less minions are clearly not. These people reckon they are part of the  "in" crowd or like to think they are anyway. Speed limits especially in town and parking restrictions also don't seem to apply to this group either and as for traffic lights, they seem to think by flying through amber/red lights it makes it all ok. 

 

Sorry, that turned into a bit of a rant...

 

 

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10 minutes ago, Steviemillar said:

The Tesla Driver - a pretentious prick usually who looks down their nose at everyone else as they are clearly doing their bit for The 'Vironment and the rest of us Tesla-less minions are clearly not. These people reckon they are part of the  "in" crowd or like to think they are anyway. Speed limits especially in town and parking restrictions also don't seem to apply to this group either and as for traffic lights, they seem to think by flying through amber/red lights it makes it all ok. 

 

Sorry, that turned into a bit of a rant...

 

 

They find things like charging points really interesting and will go to great lengths to find other fellow ‘green conscious’ folks to bore to death about range and what type of electricity rate to be on. They’ll constantly bang on about being green, completely unaware their pension is partly underpinned by Royal Dutch Shell. Another trait is instead of saying to the wife ‘Can you get that out of the boot’ they’ll go ‘It’s in the Tesla’ loud enough so that anyone in earshot KNOWS they’re doing their bit and they’ve reached that echelon of society. 

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The Taylor Swift fan’s HGV: Confederate flag across the back of the cab, several kw of spotlights / lightbars, chrome nudes  on the grille and on the mudflaps, twin chrome exhaust stacks (dummy ones), lots of little orange lights, random U.S. licence plates and a National Rifle Association bumper sticker.

Driver in too much denim, alligator boots and a Boss Hogg hat

 

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The farmer

Toyota hilux that looks like it’s been pulled from the sea, with what little metal remains in a fetching pog weasel shade of pinky red. May have faded illegible ‘keep Britain farming’ sticker on the rear screen.

Absolutely filthy inside and out, never ever been washed. Back contains baler twine, some feed boxes and a couple of border collies.

Drives a a steady 35mph everywhere - a roads, lanes, fields. Has no working lights, other than one headlight that is stuck permanently on main beam. 

For bonus points may be towing an Ifor Williams livestock trailer with a few miserable looking sheep in. Trailer has no lights or number plate. Still doing 35mph though. 

Driver is wearing an odd assortment of clothes that look like the rejects from the local rag recycling bins. 

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3 minutes ago, rusty_vw_man said:

The farmer

Toyota hilux that looks like it’s been pulled from the sea, with what little metal remains in a fetching pog weasel shade of pinky red. May have faded illegible ‘keep Britain farming’ sticker on the rear screen.

Absolutely filthy inside and out, never ever been washed. Back contains baler twine, some feed boxes and a couple of border collies.

Drives a a steady 35mph everywhere - a roads, lanes, fields. Has no working lights, other than one headlight that is stuck permanently on main beam. 

For bonus points may be towing an Ifor Williams livestock trailer with a few miserable looking sheep in. Trailer has no lights or number plate. Still doing 35mph though. 

Driver is wearing an odd assortment of clothes that look like the rejects from the local rag recycling bins. 

I worked for a short time for a local garage. They had a customer exactly like this except it was a Tata Loadbeta. Absolutely hanging in every respect. One year it cost him £1200 to scrape it through the MOT but he just coughed up.

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Self employed delivery driver

Any vehicle at all, from a knackered van to an Aygo. Defining feature is that you can’t see anything in the vehicle other than a sea of parcels. 

Car is missing most of its trim, and looks like it’s done time in a demolition derby. Insured for 1,000 miles a year on a domestic policy. 

Has two distinct speeds - idling with the drivers door open whilst the driver is hiding* a parcel in plain view in the doorstep, or flat out sideways as they drive 50 yards to the next drop point. 

Loose grasp of the Highway Code, especially the bits about where you can and can’t stop. 

Driver type as diverse as the vehicles they press into service. 

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2 minutes ago, rusty_vw_man said:

Self employed delivery driver

Any vehicle at all, from a knackered van to an Aygo. Defining feature is that you can’t see anything in the vehicle other than a sea of parcels. 

Car is missing most of its trim, and looks like it’s done time in a demolition derby. Insured for 1,000 miles a year on a domestic policy. 

Has two distinct speeds - idling with the drivers door open whilst the driver is hiding* a parcel in plain view in the doorstep, or flat out sideways as they drive 50 yards to the next drop point. 

Loose grasp of the Highway Code, especially the bits about where you can and can’t stop. 

Driver type as diverse as the vehicles they press into service. 

Spot on again. I swear you must live round here!

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16 hours ago, RoverFolkUs said:

The wannabe 'Dublifer

T5 transporter ownership is obligatory, the fact they own and drive one is the absolute focal point of their existence and everyone has to know about it. Not one conversation goes by without mentioning the VW. 

His name is Steve, he's roughly middle aged and has short prickly hair. He wears a Berghaus fleece tank top thing, and he's always seen in shorts. He has a border terrier, walking it is the only time you will see him out in public away from the T5 Transporter, and/or not talking about it. 

He's signed up to as many of the T5 owners groups as possible, and he ensures to tell everyone that VW provided the wrong oil spec from factory and that everyone should be running theirs on Shell Helix 15w-40 and nothing else. The reason for this is because that fandangled PD specific 5w-40 was VW's ploy to phase the PD engine from existence by ensuring it causes engine failure at 100k miles forcing you to buy a new one. 

Steve enjoys living an utterly loveless marriage, but that's ok because he drives a T5 transporter. 

On the road, you will find Steve's van parked inappropriately on a busy high street. Usually in a loading bay with the hazard lights on. You won't often find Steve on country roads, it's urban or motorway driving only. Steve will often be found adjusting his speed between 60-90mph, and he will fastidiously stay in the middle lane blocking ANYONE one passing him in his VW Transporter. Steve's dashcam will be sure to capture any rogue motorists and have them uploaded to a bad driving compilation on YouTube. 

Steve's favourite pastime is trying to tarnish the reputation of any other vehicle brand. His wife and daughter are only allowed to drive a Tiguan and Polo respectively. If they want to own a Ford then they need to park it on another street because no other brand can interfere with his VW driveway image. Additionally, because Steve's marriage is utterly fruitless, his only choice of evening entertainment is reading Ford Transit owners forums while eating popcorn and commenting "HAHA FRENCH PIECE OF CRAP SHITROEN HARDY HAR HAR" ad infinitum when finding out a 57 plate Transit has just failed its MOT on a couple of bottom arms

So close but the only bit you got wrong was that the Transit definitely failed it MOT on rust related issues.

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7 minutes ago, rusty_vw_man said:

Self employed delivery driver

Any vehicle at all, from a knackered van to an Aygo. Defining feature is that you can’t see anything in the vehicle other than a sea of parcels. 

Car is missing most of its trim, and looks like it’s done time in a demolition derby. Insured for 1,000 miles a year on a domestic policy. 

Has two distinct speeds - idling with the drivers door open whilst the driver is hiding* a parcel in plain view in the doorstep, or flat out sideways as they drive 50 yards to the next drop point. 

Loose grasp of the Highway Code, especially the bits about where you can and can’t stop. 

Driver type as diverse as the vehicles they press into service. 

Near us they seem to abandon the vehicle anywhere outside the McDonald’s, anywhere I’d permissible by looks of it. If they are actually insured I’d be very surprised. 

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The 'scrap metal merchant'. Tatty old Sprinter or Transit dropside (used to be an LDV Convoy but they're all dead now) of dubious legality, fitted with wooden greedy boards, grossly overloaded and piled high with old bathtubs, washing machines and other assorted ferrous materials acquired totally* legitimately. Sometimes anonymous but sometimes carries a "scrap metal wanted" sign with no business name and only a mobile number. Driver gives his address as "no fixed abode" and prefers to be paid cash in hand.

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The Autoshiter aka lesapandre

Drives a Bosche pumped 106 diesel with a car dolly and fishing rod on the back seat, stops in the road and drops "other half" off randomly near Tescos so they can get a loaf of handmade sourdough from the market stall before visiting the reduced section in the supermarket and filling trolley with veg oil, Drives off, leaving smog screen for commuters to navigate,  to help fellow autoshitest "Dave" move his latest un MOTd unTaxed rust bucket from the curb to a rented lockup only to find lockup already has a 205 which "Dave" forgot he had, on wood blocks awaiting new brake calipers and behing the 205 four plastic bins of home brew on the go, tests a few bottles of Chateau Lockup BumBlaster 2022 and slings a few worms trying for the legendary 25Kg carp in the river behind the lockup. "Otherhalf " calls with the all done at Tescos signal so leaves 106 + car dolly + Rustbucket  with "Dave" and wanders off with half dozen of the squire's Trout to nearby road where the 309 is parked.

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2 hours ago, sierraman said:

They find things like charging points really interesting and will go to great lengths to find other fellow ‘green conscious’ folks to bore to death about range and what type of electricity rate to be on. They’ll constantly bang on about being green, completely unaware their pension is partly underpinned by Royal Dutch Shell. Another trait is instead of saying to the wife ‘Can you get that out of the boot’ they’ll go ‘It’s in the Tesla’ loud enough so that anyone in earshot KNOWS they’re doing their bit and they’ve reached that echelon of society. 

Stuck in the snow, say overnight on the Pennines,  - on say a 50% battery - how long will these Teslas run the heating for and keep people ok. A IC car you can run or start the engine to run the heating - but a Tesla? 

Personally I would not go near one of the things. They depend on OTHER PEOPLE - who we now know from the internet are all MAD to provide things like charging points and electricity - and GOVERMENT to provide INFRASTRUCTURE who we also know don't care and use helicopters instead.

There that's a trope...

Survivist hippy in old diesel 4x4 who believes the world is ending...

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31 minutes ago, castros_bro said:

The Autoshiter,

Drives a Bosche pumped 106 diesel with a car dolly and fishing rod on the back seat, stops in the road and drops "other half" off randomly near Tescos so they can get a loaf of handmade sourdough from the market stall before visiting the reduced section in the supermarket and filling trolley with veg oil, Drives off, leaving smog screen for commuters to navigate,  to help fellow autoshitest "Dave" move his latest un MOTd unTaxed rust bucket from the curb to a rented lockup only to find lockup already has a 205 which "Dave" forgot he had, on wood blocks awaiting new brake calipers and behing the 205 four plastic bins of home brew on the go, tests a few bottles of Chateau Lockup BumBlaster 2022 and slings a few worms trying for the legendary 25Kg carp in the river behind the lockup. "Otherhalf " calls with the all done at Tescos signal so leaves 106 + car dolly + Rustbucket  with "Dave" and wanders off with half dozen of the squire's Trout to nearby road where the 309 is parked.

Apart from the drinking and fishing that's me.

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1 hour ago, rusty_vw_man said:

Self employed delivery driver

Any vehicle at all, from a knackered van to an Aygo. Defining feature is that you can’t see anything in the vehicle other than a sea of parcels. 

Car is missing most of its trim, and looks like it’s done time in a demolition derby. Insured for 1,000 miles a year on a domestic policy. 

Has two distinct speeds - idling with the drivers door open whilst the driver is hiding* a parcel in plain view in the doorstep, or flat out sideways as they drive 50 yards to the next drop point. 

Loose grasp of the Highway Code, especially the bits about where you can and can’t stop. 

Driver type as diverse as the vehicles they press into service. 

You've missed out parked on the pavement, reversing round a corner and doing a u-turn on a dual carriageway at night in the rain with only one headlamp working.

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Builders Merchant delivery driver. Late 50s, took the job because he is sick of nights out and tramping around the country.  Wagon loaded way above the sideboards with random building materials but ALWAYS topped off with a bundle of slaters laths. Usually found  at around 8.45 to 9.00 in a housing estate next to a school. He will have both Hiab stabiliser legs extended,one blocking the path and another blocking most of the road. Take him about 20 minutes to unload a pallet  loaded with 2 bags of cement and a tin of paint. Traffic will be gridlocked for a 2mile radius.

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1 hour ago, lesapandre said:

Survivist hippy in old diesel 4x4 who believes the world is ending...

I just been waved on by the driver of a K Reg Disco 1 that may be one of these. Plenty around here;

Green 4x4, it may actually be painted green but the algae bloom on the paintwork hides anything obvious. There will be bonnet and/or boot panel in a darker shade of green. Rusty roof rack/bars.
Rear seats and boot will be full of clutter, dogs and 'useful things'. This will not be apparent though as the congealed dog snot on the glass obscures more mess than a Party Conference speech. 
Rear wash wipe is U/S so no peeking in that way either.
Ostensibly diesel but will waft past in a miasma of fish and chips.

Driver will have pink or green  hair but be otherwise androgynous in clothing and physical appearance.
Note: a beard is no guarantee of either sex, especially on the older driver.

Summer wear is a muddy coloured, crusty, heavyweight jumper; patchwork trousers of Peruvian or Nepalese origin; combat boots.
Winter wear is as Summer wear but with wellies, not boots. 

Max speed 20 mph on country roads but may hit 40 mph on A roads & dual carriageways.
Never seen on a motorway - is unaware that the car has more than four forward gears.
Never seen in cities unless partaking in a demonstration that they have got to by train - 4x4 stays at home.
 

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13 hours ago, JJ0063 said:

Most of you know the job I do and I can categorically tell you there are ‘types’ of people - in the least offensive way.

The best ones IMO are the middle 50s blokes who have bought a Tesla. They are always Tesla owners club members, own a Tesla owners club polo shirt, love to tell you how great EV’s are and that nothing compares to a Tesla. 
 

There's the other kind of Tesla driver. The 40-something company car driver who does lots of motorway miles and was forced/coerced into giving up his diesel rep-mobile because of dirt-cheap company car tax. His life revolves around range anxiety and charging points.

He trundles up the motorway at 50mph, aggravating HGV drivers. In recent months he's become overweight due to stopping at every service station he passes. His wife is no longer physically attracted to him and while he's stuffing his face at Cobham services, she's stuffing her face with the milkman (who ironically has switched from electric to diesel), safe in the knowledge that her husband won't be back for a few hours.

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These are brilliant, so well observed, I've even recognised myself about three times, especially the 'Failure in their 30s one'.

'The divorcee biker' Male, middle aged, gone to seed. Not often actually seen out on the roads because they're too busy fettling or sorting out the paperwork for the literally 30 or 40 bikes they've managed to cram into their small semi since the missus upped and left. Most likely encountered riding too and from an MoT on a 70s Universal Japanese Motorcycle. Most likely encountered (by shocked friends) sitting on a dilapidated brown leatherette sofa possibly wearing only their pants and a vest eating a Pot Noodle or something out of a tin whilst watching daytime telly over a forest of bikes crammed into their lounge. Prone to repeating his mantra of; 'best thing I ever did getting shot of the old ball and chain'.  The bike/single man theme extends to the rest of the house which is festooned with posters of nude women/bikes, bike and actual porn and furnishings which haven't been changed since the divorce. May own a 4 wheeled vehicle, usually an old van, which doubles as additional storage for more bikes.  

 

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We've already touched on this - but the pickup will be driven by an angry red necked 24 hour emergency plasterer.

And Audis driven by  frustrated middle ranking stationary salesmen eager to demonstrate the latest shade of pastel pink A4 paper to an uninterested middle ranking purchasing clerk.

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1 hour ago, MrGTI6 said:

There's the other kind of Tesla driver. The 40-something company car driver who does lots of motorway miles and was forced/coerced into giving up his diesel rep-mobile because of dirt-cheap company car tax. His life revolves around range anxiety and charging points.

He trundles up the motorway at 50mph, aggravating HGV drivers. In recent months he's become overweight due to stopping at every service station he passes. His wife is no longer physically attracted to him and while he's stuffing his face at Cobham services, she's stuffing her face with the milkman (who ironically has switched from electric to diesel), safe in the knowledge that her husband won't be back for a few hours.

Turns out she’s not actually going to Pilates, she’s been spotted at a Bistro with a man known locally to have a huge phallus. 

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Continuing a previous post...

The Green Laner: Larval stage. The larval stage of the standard green laner is usually aged late teens to late 20s, sometimes even freshly qualified as a driver. Usually the offspring of an adult green laner, they'll have been raised in the ways of casual vehicular trespass and impractical suspension settings from an early age, and keen to get in on the action themselves. However, their insurer won't cover them on a shoddily bob-tailed Discovery 1 with a smokescreen tune, so they'll usually start out in a Jimny or Fourtrak.  The especially cash-strapped may even plump for a Vitara.

It'll have the same suspension and wheel mods as their dad's Discovery, albeit on a slightly smaller scale. It may also have a "hilarious" sticker that reads "Land Rover Recovery Vehicle", to mask their jealously at being unable to insure one. No TD5s here, just the standard engine with all the silencing removed from the exhaust and an MOT just as questionable as their parents' cars. Usually found wearing a North Face bodywarmer and rigger boots, before receiving their obligatory Hi-Vis jacket at the age of 30. This often coincides with their first LR purchase and metamorphosis into an adult green laner.

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14 minutes ago, martc said:

We've already touched on this - but the pickup will be driven by an angry red necked 24 hour emergency plasterer.

Where I live pickups are often owned by employees of the local shoot. They're all young men earning peanuts. They're a Tories wet dream, working class lads who are incredibly deferential to the system, and often literally tug their forelock to anyone dressed in tweed with a plummy accent. Dislike anyone who isn't into country sports or who doesn't have their own exact world view. They'll happily see their kids go without in order to afford the repayments on a nearly new L200 or Navara, because driving a pickup is essential to their own self worth. They're essentially the  exact equivalent of good ole boys in the American Deep South.

 

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38 minutes ago, warch said:

These are brilliant, so well observed, I've even recognised myself about three times, especially the 'Failure in their 30s one'.

'The divorcee biker' Male, middle aged, gone to seed. Not often actually seen out on the roads because they're too busy fettling or sorting out the paperwork for the literally 30 or 40 bikes they've managed to cram into their small semi since the missus upped and left. Most likely encountered riding too and from an MoT on a 70s Universal Japanese Motorcycle. Most likely encountered (by shocked friends) sitting on a dilapidated brown leatherette sofa possibly wearing only their pants and a vest eating a Pot Noodle or something out of a tin whilst watching daytime telly over a forest of bikes crammed into their lounge. Prone to repeating his mantra of; 'best thing I ever did getting shot of the old ball and chain'.  The bike/single man theme extends to the rest of the house which is festooned with posters of nude women/bikes, bike and actual porn and furnishings which haven't been changed since the divorce. May own a 4 wheeled vehicle, usually an old van, which doubles as additional storage for more bikes.  

 

Most of the Divorced Bikers seem to have the grey/white pony tail with balding head spec

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