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Tropes you see on the road


sierraman

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The younger, first-time, PCP-ite....
Recent model car with smol engine and, thus, lower insurance.
Driven and parked carefully with an eye on not losing £££ for vehicle condition at balloon payment time.
Constantly checking the mileage in case they go over the allowance.
(never gets serviced or tyres as they cost £££ - but that's, usually, invisible)

Second time around version of the above....
Recent model car, not poverty spec but still not into mahoosive BHP.
Driven and parked nonchalantly as they found out that the PCP company didn't give a monkeys when they handed the last one over.
Ditto the mileage.
(never gets serviced or tyres as they cost £££ - but that's, usually, invisible)

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The wannabe 'Dublifer

T5 transporter ownership is obligatory, the fact they own and drive one is the absolute focal point of their existence and everyone has to know about it. Not one conversation goes by without mentioning the VW. 

His name is Steve, he's roughly middle aged and has short prickly hair. He wears a Berghaus fleece tank top thing, and he's always seen in shorts. He has a border terrier, walking it is the only time you will see him out in public away from the T5 Transporter, and/or not talking about it. 

He's signed up to as many of the T5 owners groups as possible, and he ensures to tell everyone that VW provided the wrong oil spec from factory and that everyone should be running theirs on Shell Helix 15w-40 and nothing else. The reason for this is because that fandangled PD specific 5w-40 was VW's ploy to phase the PD engine from existence by ensuring it causes engine failure at 100k miles forcing you to buy a new one. 

Steve enjoys living an utterly loveless marriage, but that's ok because he drives a T5 transporter. 

On the road, you will find Steve's van parked inappropriately on a busy high street. Usually in a loading bay with the hazard lights on. You won't often find Steve on country roads, it's urban or motorway driving only. Steve will often be found adjusting his speed between 60-90mph, and he will fastidiously stay in the middle lane blocking ANYONE one passing him in his VW Transporter. Steve's dashcam will be sure to capture any rogue motorists and have them uploaded to a bad driving compilation on YouTube. 

Steve's favourite pastime is trying to tarnish the reputation of any other vehicle brand. His wife and daughter are only allowed to drive a Tiguan and Polo respectively. If they want to own a Ford then they need to park it on another street because no other brand can interfere with his VW driveway image. Additionally, because Steve's marriage is utterly fruitless, his only choice of evening entertainment is reading Ford Transit owners forums while eating popcorn and commenting "HAHA FRENCH PIECE OF CRAP SHITROEN HARDY HAR HAR" ad infinitum when finding out a 57 plate Transit has just failed its MOT on a couple of bottom arms

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2 minutes ago, Ghosty said:

Me in the Cav is full Max Power twat 20 years ago.

2.0 CD auto with the CD and 2.0i badges painted red, sunstrip, lowered 60mm, Astra wheels, Sony headunit and sub in the boot blasting a weird mix of rave and Britpop.

40 years ago I had a mate who bought a first time around XR3.
Later he bought a little 'i' for the bootlid

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'the teacher'

predominantly female,  drives a Peugeot that's between 5-20 years old, considers the MOT to be an annual service, drives conservatively and has no interest in cars. Often at least one scrape or dent from a pupil's football or getting too close to the other teacher's car in the tiny staff car park.  Car is rarely washed, one tyre slightly flat.

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The scatterbrain single mum

She will be found driving different sub £1000 cars on a regular basis.

She goes through cars quick enough that she never goes through a full tank of fuel. 

It could be a Toyota Corolla, VW Golf, Seat Leon, Ford Focus. It really doesn't matter to her, as long as it's less than £1000 to replace the car that's just had an EML pop on for an O2 Sensor heater circuit that's going to cost a mighty £150 to fix so MUST BE SCRAPPED IMMEDIATELY. 

For those that work in a vehicle repair establishment, you'll find her at the door on her hands and knees (not a euphemism) as close as possible to closing time needing a headlight bulb replaced. 

She NEVER walks anywhere. The car is used solely to potter around the town at every hour throughout the day running errands, distributing unsolicited Avon magazines, taking pictures of local matters for the Facebook gossip group, scraping the kids out of the greasy seats saturated with fast food detritus before dropping them off at school, and then stopping off at the off license on the way back to pick up her first packet of tobacco for the day that might last until dinner time.

Every car she buys is as fucked as the previous one but in different ways. She'll never own the same car twice, because "I'm never having an Astra again, it cost me £15 when the headlight bulb went !!!"

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The skinflint.  Usually seen driving an older half-decent car that they bought for penuts, and often mention to people that it's "not bad for £xxx".  Rarely washed, some small minor damage that they can't be arsed sorting out.  Often running on Veg oil or some other cheapo fuel.

oh... hang on...

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"I'm Alright Jack" 70-something retired bloke in a Korean crossover with an over-sized poppy cable-tied to the grille. Usually accompanied by brow-beaten wife of many decades and a tiny but vicious dog.

Hogs the outside lane at a speedo-indicated 70mph and never moves over because anyone who passes is breaking the speed limit.

If there's a merge-in-turn a mile down the road, he will drive down the centre of the road occupying both lanes to prevent people from "pushing in" as he sees it.

Willing to execute an emergency stop on a NSL road to let someone else out of a side road.

Brakes every time there's a slight bend in the road or an oncoming vehicle.

Gets flustered by the presence of emergency vehicles, and is guaranteed to impede its progress significantly, even if it's travelling in the opposite direction. This is always someone else's fault.

Only uses the outer lane of a multi-lane roundabout, even if taking the third exit.

Eyesight deteriorating rapidly, but proudly proclaims that he's never had an accident in 50 years of driving, oblivious to the fact that he's caused several.

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Great to see its not just me noticing these arseholes on the roads.

The 'semi professional Tradesman', 'arrogant prick' and the VW guy are very common around here.

I'll add a family member or two:

Wee hoor: Female, drives an A class, fake eyelashes and lips , veers into oncoming traffic because she's engrossed in her phone.  Completely absolved herself of all responsibility because daddy will make sure everything is sorted out (see Tradesman or arrogant prick)

Car Nazi: Male, thinks every other make of car is shite except what he drives (usually a Golf R), unsuccessfully trying to grow a beard, wears an Under Armour top and shorts, usually employed in a call centre.

Quasquai Missile: Either gender, late 40s, entitled, drives foot to the floor and is convinced of their own superiority. Lives in a Barrats 2 bed semi, is miserable and latently racist.

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2 hours ago, quicksilver said:

Horsey type #1: haggard old lady who looks like her horses, doing 20mph in an ancient Iveco that stinks of horse shit. She's been riding her whole life without much success and keeps horses just for the love of them, so she's virtually penniless and runs the truck on a shoestring.

Horsey type #2: hot young upper-class girl driving a top-of-the-range Oakley horsebox with an expensive private plate. She's a full-time 'professional' rider funded by her wealthy parents with ambitions to be a champion one day so she needs all the gear to make the right impression.

Spot on,I see both of those regularly having worked previously at a feed shop & now at an equestrian laundry

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I forgot there's a third horsey type: the reluctant dad carting his pre-teen daughter's pony around with the family SUV/MPV and a borrowed trailer with a numberplate that doesn't match the towcar. She wants to grow up to become horsey type #2 but he'll never have enough money. He pretends to be supportive but is secretly praying her horse obsession is a fad she'll grow out of soon so he can send the pony to the glue factory and get his life back.

I see all three types regularly as there's an equestrian centre nearby. Type #1 have the more interesting vehicles but type #2 are much easier on the eye.

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2 hours ago, quicksilver said:

Luckily they're dying off since Culina took over Stobart and discontinued the livery.

I wondered where all these trucks with a slightly weird name suddenly came from!  
Are ‘Willi Betz’ and ‘Norbert Dentressangle’ trucks still about? Great names from my days of frequent motorway commuting in the 90s-00s. 

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49 minutes ago, Split_Pin said:

Great to see its not just me noticing these arseholes on the roads.

The 'semi professional Tradesman', 'arrogant prick' and the VW guy are very common around here.

I'll add a family member or two:

Wee hoor: Female, drives an A class, fake eyelashes and lips , veers into oncoming traffic because she's engrossed in her phone.  Completely absolved herself of all responsibility because daddy will make sure everything is sorted out (see Tradesman or arrogant prick)

Car Nazi: Male, thinks every other make of car is shite except what he drives (usually a Golf R), unsuccessfully trying to grow a beard, wears an Under Armour top and shorts, usually employed in a call centre.

Quasquai Missile: Either gender, late 40s, entitled, drives foot to the floor and is convinced of their own superiority. Lives in a Barrats 2 bed semi, is miserable and latently racist.

Under Armour 😂😂😂 Glads it’s not just me that’s spotted that it’s the uniform of the  dickwad. 

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5 minutes ago, quicksilver said:

I forgot there's a third horsey type: the reluctant dad carting his pre-teen daughter's pony around with the family SUV/MPV and a borrowed trailer with a numberplate that doesn't match the towcar. She wants to grow up to become horsey type #2 but he'll never have enough money. He pretends to be supportive but is secretly praying her horse obsession is a fad she'll grow out of soon so he can send the pony to the glue factory and get his life back.

I see all three types regularly as there's an equestrian centre nearby. Type #1 have the more interesting vehicles but type #2 are much easier on the eye.

The third type is often seen sitting waiting in his car outside the tack shop while the mother & daughter spend more of his money on expensive supplements for the horse & riding gear for the daughter

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Caravanists 

40 plus , bald, wrap around Aviators ( knock offs) drives a variety of crossover shite, or if upwardly mobile, a Range Rover sport.

Obsessed about nose weight, caravan’s not his) Air fryers and inflatable awnings

Tows  a £35k caravan with a £40k car, both of which will have to sold to finance impending divorce

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The 'hun'. Young single lady who drives a modern Fiat 500, possibly pink, with "powered by fairy dust" stickers. She knows sod all about cars except that she thinks the Fiat is really cute, so it hasn't had any maintenance at all since the warranty expired but she's always taking it through the supermarket car wash to make sure it looks nice. She posts daily dramas on social media prompting her equally vacuous friends to comment "U ok hun? DM me xxx".

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4 minutes ago, quicksilver said:

The 'hun'. Young single lady who drives a modern Fiat 500, possibly pink, with "powered by fairy dust" stickers. She knows sod all about cars except that she thinks the Fiat is really cute, so it hasn't had any maintenance at all since the warranty expired but she's always taking it through the supermarket car wash to make sure it looks nice. She posts daily dramas on social media prompting her equally vacuous friends to comment "U ok hun? DM me xxx".

oh yeah, loves a meme 

hardtimes.jpg

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2 hours ago, RoverFolkUs said:

The wannabe 'Dublifer

T5 transporter ownership is obligatory, the fact they own and drive one is the absolute focal point of their existence and everyone has to know about it. Not one conversation goes by without mentioning the VW. 

His name is Steve, he's roughly middle aged and has short prickly hair. He wears a Berghaus fleece tank top thing, and he's always seen in shorts. He has a border terrier, walking it is the only time you will see him out in public away from the T5 Transporter, and/or not talking about it. 

He's signed up to as many of the T5 owners groups as possible, and he ensures to tell everyone that VW provided the wrong oil spec from factory and that everyone should be running theirs on Shell Helix 15w-40 and nothing else. The reason for this is because that fandangled PD specific 5w-40 was VW's ploy to phase the PD engine from existence by ensuring it causes engine failure at 100k miles forcing you to buy a new one. 

Steve enjoys living an utterly loveless marriage, but that's ok because he drives a T5 transporter. 

On the road, you will find Steve's van parked inappropriately on a busy high street. Usually in a loading bay with the hazard lights on. You won't often find Steve on country roads, it's urban or motorway driving only. Steve will often be found adjusting his speed between 60-90mph, and he will fastidiously stay in the middle lane blocking ANYONE one passing him in his VW Transporter. Steve's dashcam will be sure to capture any rogue motorists and have them uploaded to a bad driving compilation on YouTube. 

Steve's favourite pastime is trying to tarnish the reputation of any other vehicle brand. His wife and daughter are only allowed to drive a Tiguan and Polo respectively. If they want to own a Ford then they need to park it on another street because no other brand can interfere with his VW driveway image. Additionally, because Steve's marriage is utterly fruitless, his only choice of evening entertainment is reading Ford Transit owners forums while eating popcorn and commenting "HAHA FRENCH PIECE OF CRAP SHITROEN HARDY HAR HAR" ad infinitum when finding out a 57 plate Transit has just failed its MOT on a couple of bottom arms

must not post pic of recently added to forum matt green vw here :wacko:

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2 hours ago, Talbot said:

The skinflint.  Usually seen driving an older half-decent car that they bought for penuts, and often mention to people that it's "not bad for £xxx".  Rarely washed, some small minor damage that they can't be arsed sorting out.  Often running on Veg oil or some other cheapo fuel.

oh... hang on...

I'm in this picture and I don't like it.

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'Failure in their 30s'.

Drives an old car that was once considered a decent model but is now towards the end of its life, diesel, covered in dents from a previous owner and rarely washed.  Bonus points for slightly obscure, quick-ish estates.   Likes cars but can't afford anything newer and secretly harbours ambitions of owning a modern as they sat in one once and quite liked it.  Usually have had several jobs and have finally settled into a career that is inexplicably dull to everybody around them.

On the road they usually drive sensibly but are occasionally filled with rage from their relative failures as a human and like to boot it away from much quicker cars at opportune moments because there is nothing left for them in this life.  Gets shouted at occasionally for using the horn in frustration and flashing their lights at oncoming cars with their beam on.  Uses their indicators fastidiously but has never quite got the hang of roundabouts.

I'm 35.

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Agnes, 68 year old, likes knitting, garden centers and terrorizing her long-suffering husband on shopping trips. She knows nothing about cars and can hardly drive a car, so of course she drives a Yaris. When she gets behind the wheel, everyone nearby is in danger. She likes to drive into things, drive far below the speed limit and crash the Yaris at the first snowfall. And then buys another Yaris as no other cars exist in her world.

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Often see a 10 year old Toyota of some sort with a collection of elderly ladies inside. Destination unknown, probably afternoon tea.

Driver is usually 1/4" from the steering wheel looking slightly terrified as she trundles down a busy A road at 45mph with a Hino aggregate lorry 6" off her rear bumper.

One stereotype that seems to have disappeared from our local roads is the old fella in a Reliant who only ever had a motorcycle license and had kept patching it up and bodging it along for years.

I'm guessing the old fellas and the Reliants have both reached the end of the road.

One or two turned to Axiams in the 90s, but we're soon back on 3 wheels.

 

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4 minutes ago, GrumpiusMaximus said:

'Failure in their 30s'.

Drives an old car that was once considered a decent model but is now towards the end of its life, diesel, covered in dents from a previous owner and rarely washed.  Bonus points for slightly obscure estates.   Likes cars but can't afford anything newer and secretly harbours ambitions of owning a modern as they sat in one once and quite liked it.  Usually have had several jobs and have finally settled into a career that is inexplicably dull to everybody around them.  Bonus points for a quick-ish estate car.  On the road they usually drive sensibly but are occasionally filled with rage from their relative failures as a human and like to boot it away from much quicker cars at opportune moments because there is nothing left for them in this life.  Gets shouted at occasionally for using the horn in frustration and flashing their lights at oncoming cars with their beam on.

I'm 35.

Ok get off my fucking back! 😂

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5 minutes ago, Timewaster said:

Often see a 10 year old Toyota of some sort with a collection of elderly ladies inside. Destination unknown, probably afternoon tea.

Driver is usually 1/4" from the steering wheel looking slightly terrified as she trundles down a busy A road at 45mph with a Hino aggregate lorry 6" off her rear bumper.

One stereotype that seems to have disappeared from our local roads is the old fella in a Reliant who only ever had a motorcycle license and had kept patching it up and bodging it along for years.

I'm guessing the old fellas and the Reliants have both reached the end of the road.

One or two turned to Axiams in the 90s, but we're soon back on 3 wheels.

 

The elderly lady is the driver you don't want to meet on a narrow road as there's absolutely no chance of her reversing,even if you're in a 40 foot arctic or a giant combine harvester

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