Tropes you see on the road

[Lord Sterling]

Dilaash Deliveroo.

Dilaash Bikejanerah is a student at some nondescript university, but not the real universities with large spaces and huge buildings, the small fly-by-night operations that are barely legal.

To live in his tiny room in an overcrowded house in a rundown part of London, any spare time he gets outside of his studies and shifts at the restaurant, is spent riding a bike, very badly around various parts of London.

Dilaash doesn't understand road craft and neither does he understand traffic laws or how to use the road safely. He is constantly cutting up vehicles and traffic lights are treated as suggestions.

Scarily, more often than not, he will fall off or get knocked off his bike, he treats this as a occupational hazard and carries on regardless.

[timolloyd]

Aaron the ambush artist.

Believes he has mastered a foolproof* technique at busy local T junctions, by charging up to them as fast as possible, in the hope priority traffic will shit themselves and stop, allowing him out.

[lesapandre]

10 hours ago, Lord Sterling said:

Dilaash Deliveroo.

Dilaash Bikejanerah is a student at some nondescript university, but not the real universities with large spaces and huge buildings, the small fly-by-night operations that are barely legal.

To live in his tiny room in an overcrowded house in a rundown part of London, any spare time he gets outside of his studies and shifts at the restaurant, is spent riding a bike, very badly around various parts of London.

Dilaash doesn't understand road craft and neither does he understand traffic laws or how to use the road safely. He is constantly cutting up vehicles and traffic lights are treated as suggestions.

Scarily, more often than not, he will fall off or get knocked off his bike, he treats this as a occupational hazard and carries on regardless.

He's also heavy on beeper if on a scooter - beeping on his approach, at every manoeuvre and most every other traffic situation - one day he's going to surprise someone into doing something unexpected and he's going to cause a collision.

That's going to be even more serious because he wears hardly suitable kit for the scooter- and his flip-flops will fly straight off for a start.

[Dobloseven]

Magic Mohammed 

Better than any genie in a lamp, Mohammed is the future of personal transportation.Get your smart phone out, go to the app, type in destination, the words Mohammed, Grey Toyota, 1 min 30 secs appear.Before your phone is back in your pocket,he actually does appear. It's almost as if he's following you round. Big smile, City of Wolverhampton plate, windows permanently slightly open ,375k miles,air freshener, photo of his family... Where does he come from? Middle East? North Africa? Central Africa?Who knows? Who cares? When you're late for an appointment, you've had a few drinks and it's raining, your cars broken down,he comes from the best place ever,  just around the corner.

[Adrian_pt]

13 hours ago, Dobloseven said:

Magic Mohammed 

Better than any genie in a lamp, Mohammed is the future of personal transportation.Get your smart phone out, go to the app, type in destination, the words Mohammed, Grey Toyota, 1 min 30 secs appear.Before your phone is back in your pocket,he actually does appear. It's almost as if he's following you round. Big smile, City of Wolverhampton plate, windows permanently slightly open ,375k miles,air freshener, photo of his family... Where does he come from? Middle East? North Africa? Central Africa?Who knows? Who cares? When you're late for an appointment, you've had a few drinks and it's raining, your cars broken down,he comes from the best place ever,  just around the corner.

Also known as the Profit Muhammed

[Missy Charm]

This one has an East-Anglian flavour, but I assume the type is extant nationally: Richard and Janet and their Skoda.  

Richard and Janet are a retired couple with a forty-year marriage, final-salary pensions -- one each, and an unerring tendency to vote Liberal Democrat.  They have lived through turbulent times, attended protests in their youth and have both managed solid, if stolid, careers whilst raising a couple of children.  The children have moved out and become downwardly mobile; the nest is empty; Richard and Janet have begun to dress increasingly like one another, with both eschewing anything other than walking boots, 'technical' trousers and plastic anoraks embroidered with the word 'Nikwax'.  

Richard and Janet fill their days with not-so-intrepid excursions to bird reserves, beaches, woods, monuments and museums.  The means of transport is, inevitably, a Skoda: 'I'm not interested in cars, but this one really is excellent.  It's got a gearbox which is better than a manual or an automatic.  You should think about getting one,' Richard, to anyone who'll listen -- Lamborghini owners, the destitute, people who already own Skodas... 

[Volksy]

1 hour ago, Missy Charm said:

 Richard and Janet have begun to dress increasingly like one another, with both eschewing anything other than walking boots, 'technical' trousers and plastic anoraks embroidered with the word 'Nikwax'.  

Richard and Janet fill their days with not-so-intrepid excursions to bird reserves, beaches, woods, monuments and museums.  

They also have a pair of walking poles each. Which are used at all times, even on flat tarmac paths. And inside the British Museum if they could. 

[MrGTI6]

Paul is in his mid-to-late-thirties. He's a wild conspiracy theorist with a sympathetic view of Hitler. According to Paul, the earth is flat. He lives off-grid on the outskirts of a deprived semi-rural town with his German shepherd. 

He drives a Land Rover Discovery 2 that he plans on converting into a pickup for some reason. It's hand-painted matt black. It has a straight-through exhaust and belches black smoke.

It's covered in fluorescent stickers, has a massive LED light bar, a snorkel, and a few orange flashing beacons. 

There are various stickers on the Land Rover that say things such as "SECURITY", "TACTICAL SUPPORT" and "K9 UNIT".

Paul loves it when it rains or snows because it gives him the opportunity to indulge in his favourite hobby; wanking himself off while towing stuck/hydrolocked cars.

During the summer months, Paul turns up at local fairs/shows as a self-proclaimed security officer. Donning a high-visibility jacket, he directs attendees from the correct parking area into an adjacent (and completely unsuitable) field. The plan is to cause them to get stuck so that he can embark on a masturbation session rescue mission.

Paul was vilified after a video of him pleasuring himself outside the village fête began circulating on the local Facebook page. Paul maintains his innocence, claiming that he's being targeted by Mark Zuckerberg for "knowing too much".

Since then, he has begun to fill his time by joining marches. These are attended by fellow sex offenders with whom he repeatedly chants one-syllable words.

[Lord Sterling]

Charlie 'Don't care'

Charlie is in his mid 50s, he is long divorced and lives alone in a flat/council house and works in a large industrial facility having done the same job for umpteen years.

Charlie likes a drink and he loves football,  but to him, cars and driving are a necessary evil. He finds driving monotonous but needs a car to get him to and from work as where he works is a little out of the way.

As for car type, generally, Charlie will drive something utterly forgetful like a Hyundai Getz, early 00s Kia Picanto, Perodua Kelisa or a Ford Fiesta.

His car never gets washed or vacuumed out, the roof and top of the boot area are covered in green algae, but Charlie doesn't care, cleaning a car doesn't enter into his thought zone. The very idea insults his sensibilities. Much to the chargrin of those who are unfortunate enough to catch a lift with him because the trains don't run early on a Sunday.

Invariably, Charlie will be forced to buy another car when his current steed inevitably fails its MoT or becomes too unreliable (due to lack of servicing).

[Lord Sterling]

'Boom Boom' Brian.

Its a fairly sunny day and you're minding your own business walking down the local high street, the road is fairly busy but moving, when suddenly in the distance you hear a faced paced sound "TZZuhTZZuhTZZuhTZZuh" coming towards you, it gets louder. The sound is emanating from a distastefully modded mk2 Ford Focus ST-line/Audi A3 or BMW 120d.

Its 'Boom Boom' Brian, he is likely a friend or at least known-to Mike Modder and possibly has come across Jamie ST. Brian is a car audiophile, whilst his choice of chariot is distinctly modified on the outside, if you study the car, its generally just aftermarket alloys, side skirts, a large spoiler and some tinted windows. 

The real money has gone into the audio equipment. But Brian is still a mid-level player in car audio circles. He hasn't completely donated the back half of his car to audio equipment as he has a family and friends to transport about.

However, most of the time, he can barely move his own car without having some fast-paced trance music being shared with all, as if his car runs on musical sounds.

Brian doesn't often go far, preferring to stick to his local town and maybe, occasionally the beach. For all other errands, he generally uses his company issued van.

[Lord Sterling]

Eric 'Sparkler'

Most of us like a clean car, generally if we don't clean it ourselves, we'll make a monthly trip to the local Eastern European-run spit 'n' shine.

And then there is Eric Sparkler. Eric is an 8-bucket enthusiast who sees himself as a yet-undiscovered professional valeter. Except, he actually works in some nondescript office managerial job.

The rest of the time he is on the driveway of his home cleaning his pride and joy to a point almost rubbing the paint away. He is absolutely anal about keeping his car clean.

The problem is, keeping the family chariot clean was a never ending battle, everytime his wife Gemma took it out with thier children Callum and Daisy, the car would come back looking like its been driven through a HS2 building site.

So Eric went and bought himself a car of his own, a garage queen, a clean sheet of paper he could concentrate his skills on. But of course, it couldn't just be anything run-of-the-mill, it needed something special about it. So he bought an Astra VXR.

Now, he spends his time cleaning it like its never been cleaned before. Waxed, clay barred and polished, the interior doesn't have a spec of dust in it.

All parts are carefully removed, cleaned, polished and possibly even having paint rectification done before being returned to its place carefully. 

[Lord Sterling]

Lucy Lost

Like a lot of road users, Lucy generally finds herself on roads that are unfamiliar to her. Why she is there is generally not known, though usually its for something work/personal related.

Lucy is generally in a new Mini Countryman or Range Rover Evoque. She'll drift across lanes and cut up cammer bob up who'll end up shouting and screaming before he hits the 'save' button on his dashcam and sending to some YouTube channel.

Whilst Lucy does have a SatNav on her phone, her ability to leave early and get there in plenty of time is severely weakened by getting the kids to school on time and meeting tight deadlines at work. Hence, whenever she has to go out of town where she is unfamiliar with the roads, she'll generally get confused and panic or be generally unaware of her immediate surroundings.

[Lord Sterling]

Waleed the Wedding goer

Waleed comes from a big family, many of his similarly-aged relatives are beginning to get married. This means there are plenty of weddings to attend.

Now, attending weddings for Waleed is a bit more than donning a suit and turning up to a family gathering to watch two people commit to each other.

Its all about style, particularly cars 🙄

Waleed and some other young relatives will go and rent some nondescript Lamborghini in a gaudy look-at-me colour.

Waleed himself usually drives a 2019 white Mercedes A180d 1.5 Diesel saloon, so not exactly a performance car in of itself.

Despite the rental of Lambo for the 5 weddings he's already attended costing him more than a years insurance and fuel in his Merc put together, he still revels in smugness of being able to drive and often park the Lambo where he likes. Something he rarely does in his Merc.

[Volksy]

He'll also do circuits of the city centre 'pop-banging' the rental lambo for most of the day. Or sitting at pedestrian crossings revving the poor thing to the limiter. Which, for him, ensures everyone is fully aware that it's a rental, because you just wouldn't do that if you'd spent £100k+ on it. 

[New POD]

Stony Tony. 

Andy, who is called stony Tony by his neighbours due to the smell of "Yankie Candles" which they mistake for weed. 

Tony used to be a taxi driver and got done 15 years ago for being over the limit.  

Nobody knows what he does now. His house is falling down, but the only time he goes out is about 5 am on a cheap Halfords bike which he found in his garage when he moved in. He doesn't have lights or a helmet but cycles on the Pavement at a very sedate place. 

Occassionaly he is seen with a rucksack on the bus. 

Nobody cares and nobody sees him, but he's mentally ill. 

[New POD]

4 hours ago, Volksy said:

He'll also do circuits of the city centre 'pop-banging' the rental lambo for most of the day. Or sitting at pedestrian crossings revving the poor thing to the limiter. Which, for him, ensures everyone is fully aware that it's a rental, because you just wouldn't do that if you'd spent £100k+ on it. 

Sometime later he will be a key and only witness at the inquest of a cousin who died when he hit a wall of an underpass on the way to Leeds.  Whilst driving a rented Aston Martin. 

He will mention that he saw the Aston, pull out to overtake him and then accelerate to 4 times the speed limit before spinning three times and turning over.

What he won't mention is the friendly bet on who could get the bride a mcflurry first and that he was travelling at 120 in a 30 before he was overtaken.  And that it had taken them just over 13 minutes to get fron Bradford to Leeds. 

And he won't be charged with racing on the public highway as its "not in the public interest" 

[Lord Sterling]

Nathan & Chloe new drivers

Nathan & Chloe have finally passed their driving tests! Both (seperately) pose with thier pass certificates for the instructor which is then posted up on their website to show how great of an instructor they are.

Nathan & Chloe are young and have grown up in an age of Internet, convenience and a particular idea of what kind of car they'd like.

Invariably, both Nathan & Chloe are likely to have their cars bought for them by the bank of Mum & Dad.

Nathan is likely is want to something a little sportier, something that's got a bit of street credential.

Nathan ends up with a Škoda Citigo Monte-Carlo. Basically a shopping cart Sport-Line with added black alloys and some rally graphics down the doors.

Chloe is likely to have a basic VW Up! Its small, cute and does exactly what she wants it to. It does have 1 more BHP than Nathan's Citigo, but he doesn't care because he won't be comparing BHP with Chloe's VW Up! So long as it has the black alloys and fancy name, that'll all he'll care about, for now...

Chloe finds driving a bit of a chore, her first time out on the road with Mum and she's overthinking everything, believing that like on social media, everyone is judging her (spoiler; they're not, they just want to get to where they're going) because Chloe feels sensible, she sports a 'P' plate on the back and front of her car to tell everyone she is a new driver.

Nathan doesn't, he a bit more competent, although he does stall the a couple of time, much to the excitement of his mates, he spends his time generally driving around with his mates. He does a few high-speed runs on a clear straight bit of road running the poor wee lawn-mower engine of the Škoda, and tries to do a couple of tyre burn outs, but neither Nathan nor his non-driving mates understand that the Škoda Citigo is not a 6-cyl rear wheel drive BMW, its a shopping cart with a lawn mower engine and some graphics, there is no fun to be had.

[Lord Sterling]

Chad the Chav

Chad is your oft-seen council estate-dwelling chav.

His mind is a giant rubbish tip of random stuff that hurricanes itself around his head always missing the action button.

Chad has absolutely no self-awareness whatsoever. How he sees himself and how others see him couldn't be more obviously different like a set of curtains and a hot plate of dinner.

Chad doesn't hold a driving licence, he claims to have lost his licence through a driving ban, yet, he talks incessantly about how he outran a police BMW 530i in a stolen Nissan Micra like he was the most successful car thief of all time.

In his mind, he is some 'Raffles' like mysterious character that operates in the shadows, yet the police somehow know, so he hides at the mere sight of Police stating that 'they're after him, but they think 'ees a good lad' etc....

In fact, he once drove a dodgily-registered VW Golf and crashed it within 10 seconds of the chase starting on first corner he tried to take as if it was a GTA 5 level. Except, on this occasion, there was no reset button. 

Invariably, because he hates public transport, he'll often be riding around the estate on a stolen quad bike or scrambler bike and may occasionally drive the untaxed, uninsured, battered Vauxhall Corsa he's got hidden around the corner, until it gets a DVLA clamp on it one day and gets lifted or he gets pulled over...

[Lord Sterling]

'I don't (want to) know how to reverse' Robbie

Robbie is an nondescript, random bloke who could be anything, black, white, Asian, a 67 year old retired bank manager or some 30-year old hipster.

Invariably, they will always be driving something recent, or at least less than 10 years old.

Robbie drives forward very normally. Occasionally, he'll forget to use his mirrors or bump into a parked car as they drive-in front-first into a space.

But then, there is the "final boss" their ultimate adversary; the reverse manoeuvre....

This can show up at any point, usually when they decide to take a short cut down a single track road at the exact same time your travelling in the other direction or on a slip road where the traffic is at a stand still. They'll decide or be forced to reverse, and that's when their lack of ability shows itself up, steering wildly from one direction to another, stopping, moving a little and then stopping again, they'll make an absolute meal of it and end up causing more drama.

[Lord Sterling]

Harry & Hannah the lane hoggers

Harry & Hannah come in various guises; they are constantly on the move, going here, going there, going everywhere. The archetypal 'I'm always busy' type. Or, they are drifter types, the ones who find driving monotonous, once on the road, some sort of progress is being made but generally, the senses of their immediate surroundings are switched off.

Harry generally lane hogs because he really thinks his Audi A4 1.9 TDi is actually an Audi R8 in disguise. It isn't, but he doesn't understand that.

Hannah lane hogs because driving is a monotonous task, but it gets her from a > b without having to wait for public transport to make an appearance. Plus it'll get her to her work which in inexplicably located on a business park where public transport is utterly poor.

She doesn't like getting stuck behind trucks and grannies, so will live out on middle or outside lanes. Even when cars are passing her to the left, she doesn't get the message.

Invariably, they'll only get the message when that rare undercover police car pulls them over and gives them a ticket for driving without due care.

[Lord Sterling]

Leonard the law abider 

Leonard is specifically either in the mid 30s or his mid 60s.

The law, to him, is like a dictatorship. One where you and everyone else around must under any circumstance must abide to. Except, his understanding of the law is one that is out of date and often borne out of how he feels rather than actual law.

Going out in the car brings out the worst in Leonard. He is constantly shouting, cursing other road users and trying to discipline others, often breaking the law himself in order to do so.

Like Harry and Hannah, he will lane hog, but unlike Harry, he can never ever break the 70mph speed limit BECAUSE ITS THE LAW!  This, in turn, would cause Harry to undertake him at speed which would cause Leonard's blood pressure to rise dangerously. 

Despite trying to be a self-appointed traffic officer, he'll also be the type who you meet on a single-lane country road refusing to move despite a passing place being meters behind him. He'd rather sit it out than reverse his car. If he has to, he will deliberately make a meal of reversing, despite having the ability to reverse a car neatly.

Invariably, Leonard will find himself in absolute shit when he tries to brake-test an undercover police car who simply wants him to use the correct lane.

[sierraman]

On 07/07/2026 at 09:21, New POD said:

Stony Tony. 

Andy, who is called stony Tony by his neighbours due to the smell of "Yankie Candles" which they mistake for weed. 

Tony used to be a taxi driver and got done 15 years ago for being over the limit.  

Nobody knows what he does now. His house is falling down, but the only time he goes out is about 5 am on a cheap Halfords bike which he found in his garage when he moved in. He doesn't have lights or a helmet but cycles on the Pavement at a very sedate place. 

Occassionaly he is seen with a rucksack on the bus. 

Nobody cares and nobody sees him, but he's mentally ill. 

In the rucksack there’s some johnnies, massage oil and a street map of Manchester. 

[Dobloseven]

On 07/07/2026 at 09:21, New POD said:

Stony Tony. 

Andy, who is called stony Tony by his neighbours due to the smell of "Yankie Candles" which they mistake for weed. 

Tony used to be a taxi driver and got done 15 years ago for being over the limit.  

Nobody knows what he does now. His house is falling down, but the only time he goes out is about 5 am on a cheap Halfords bike which he found in his garage when he moved in. He doesn't have lights or a helmet but cycles on the Pavement at a very sedate place. 

Occassionaly he is seen with a rucksack on the bus. 

Nobody cares and nobody sees him, but he's mentally ill. 

He's not been on here lately. Anyone heard from.him?

[timolloyd]

12 hours ago, Lord Sterling said:

Harry & Hannah the lane hoggers

Harry & Hannah come in various guises; they are constantly on the move, going here, going there, going everywhere. The archetypal 'I'm always busy' type. Or, they are drifter types, the ones who find driving monotonous, once on the road, some sort of progress is being made but generally, the senses are switched off.

Harry generally lane hogs because he really thinks his Audi A4 1.9 TDi is actually an Audi R8 in disguise. It isn't, but he doesn't understand that.

Hannah lane hogs because driving is a monotonous task, but it gets her from a > b without having to wait for public transport to make an appearance. Plus it'll get her to her work which in inexplicably located on a business park where public transport is utterly poor.

She doesn't like getting stuck behind trucks and grannies, so will live out on middle or outside lanes. Even when cars are passing her to the left, she doesn't get the message.

Invariably, they'll only get the message when that rare undercover police car pulls them over and gives them a ticket for driving without due care.

Harry continually confuses the feeling of torque with actual speed.

[sheffcortinacentre]

12 hours ago, Lord Sterling said:

'I don't know how to reverse' Robbie

Robbie is an nondescript, random bloke who could be anything, black, white, Asian, a 67 year old retired bank manager or some 30-year old hipster.

Invariably, they will always be driving something recent, or at least less than 10 years old.

What Robbie drives forward very normally. Occasionally, they'll forget to use thier mirrors or bump into a parked car as they drive-in front-first into a space.

But then, there is the "final boss" their ultimate adversary; the reverse manoeuvre....

This can show up at any point. Usually when they decide to take a short cut down a single track road or on a slip road where the traffic is at a stand still. They'll decide or be forced to reverse, and that's when their lack of ability shows itself up, steering wildly from one direction to another, stopping, moving a little and then stopping again, they'll make an absolute meal of it and end up causing more drama.

Roberta too. Usually after stopping in middle of road with ensuing Mexican stand off as she's never reversed since her test & isn't gunna start now that's for other less important people to do.

[mildlycretinous]

Tommy Stanley the Hero

Tommy lives in a council flat, on an estate which he almost never leaves.

Tommy did his bit for his country back in the 80s, and has spent the following 40 years claiming back his contribution, and then some.

Tommy's daily driver is a maroon mobility scooter, which he uses to ride to the Co-op to buy fags, a Daily Mail and a bag of cans. If the sun is shining, he will stop on a bench by the bus stop to neck back a few lagers until his face matches his scooter, while seething about the scroungers.

Tommy rarely drives his car, preferring to save it for special occasions - visits to the GP, the monthly trip to B&M to buy bleach and multipacks of frozen Danish bacon, and the yearly pilgrimage to the local cemetery for Remembrance day. He used to drive to the local British Legion club on Fridays, but he's not allowed in any more after what happened at the family fun night.

Tommy's car is an old saloon, usually a base model Mk1 Octavia or Nissan Primera, with missing hubcaps. To show his pride, Tommy has attempted to coachline his car with a tin of gold Hammerite, with a hamfisted attempt at his regimental crest painted on the bonnet and the doors. Flying proudly from the bonnet are two Union Jacks on little plastic clip-on flagpoles.

Tommy probably needs help to deal with what he experienced, but after 40 years, he'll never admit to having a problem.

*I'll try to get a picture of Tommy's car next time I go past, it's laughably tragic.

 

[Lord Sterling]

Mike Motorhome

Mike is a retired, grey chap, having managed to amass a good living, it could be said that he is fairly wealthy. Mike has ditched his usual neat appearance to rediscover his beard and longer hair and clads himself in hawaian shirts, slacks and sandals.

Upon his retirement, much of his lump sum retirement fund was spent on a larger-than-needed motor home, now, both he and his wife Liz can spend their summer hols visiting towns and cities across the UK and the continent without the expense of hotel rooms, booking fees and so on.

Mike loves his motor home and trundles slowly up and down highways and byways of Britain, usually at rush hour when people are needing to use the maximum speed the road allows. Mike trundles at 35/40mph on 60mph road,  because of course, he is retired, no need for rushing anymore and he doesn't care about anyone else around him.

He pilots the big, heavy elephant looking dazed, confused and grey but always with a slight carefree smile.

[Lord Sterling]

Mark & Fred Mobility Scooter - A tale of two halves.

Mark's life has never really achieved anything worthwhile in his life. He has spent most of it sitting about on hand-outs and benefits. He lives a life incessantly believing that the state is out to get him or something. He found working to be an annoyance. He sometimes drifted in between jobs but always tried to stay away from any form of real stability.

Later on, after talking with some mates and browsing online, he discovered that he could technically get a mobility scooter through his "hard earned" PIP scheme.

Most people who have a mobility scooter are in real actual need of one and are usually very careful to ensure they are not annoying others. Not Mark though, he doesn't care, its better than walking and basically free motoring without the need for a licence. He speeds through pavements, trundles along busy roads and is generally an annoyance giving genuine mobility scooter users a bad name.

On the other hand, you have Fred. Fred is genuinely in need of a mobility scooter, he was once a proud working man, but as he got much older, his bones could barely hold him for more than a few minutes, so mobility became an issue.

Fred got himself a mobility scooter after trying one out, at first, he tried to not to use it as.kucb, but began relying on it more and more. Fred has a self-drummed-in respect of others around him. If he has to use the pavement with his scooter, he does so at walking speeds to not frighten others, he parks considerately, and ensures he is not an issue to anyone. 

Unfortunately, as he gets older, his levels of confusion becomes a more prominent issue and therefore, he can often find himself out in places he shouldn't be such as dual-carriageways, fast A-roads and even motorways where he eventually needs the help of a policeman or kind members of the public to help him get back to safety.

[chodweaver]

1 hour ago, Lord Sterling said:

Mike Motorhome

Mike is a retired, grey chap, having managed to amass a good living, it could be said that he is fairly wealthy. Mike has ditched his usual neat appearance to rediscover his beard and longer hair and clads himself in hawaian shirts, slacks and sandals.

Upon his retirement, much of his lump sum retirement fund was spent on a larger-than-needed motor home, now, both he and his wife Liz can spend their summer hols visiting towns and cities across the UK and the continent without the expense of hotel rooms, booking fees and so on.

Mike loves his motor home and trundles slowly up and down highways and byways of Britain, usually at rush hour when people are needing to use the maximum speed the road allows. Mike trundles at 35/40mph on 60mph road,  because of course, he is retired, no need for rushing anymore and he doesn't care about anyone else around him.

He pilots the big, heavy elephant looking dazed, confused and grey but always with a slight smile.

I didn't think we'd met @Lord Sterling...

[timolloyd]

On 08/07/2026 at 21:26, mildlycretinous said:

Tommy Stanley the Hero

Tommy lives in a council flat, on an estate which he almost never leaves.

Tommy did his bit for his country back in the 80s, and has spent the following 40 years claiming back his contribution, and then some.

Tommy's daily driver is a maroon mobility scooter, which he uses to ride to the Co-op to buy fags, a Daily Mail and a bag of cans. If the sun is shining, he will stop on a bench by the bus stop to neck back a few lagers until his face matches his scooter, while seething about the scroungers.

Tommy rarely drives his car, preferring to save it for special occasions - visits to the GP, the monthly trip to B&M to buy bleach and multipacks of frozen Danish bacon, and the yearly pilgrimage to the local cemetery for Remembrance day. He used to drive to the local British Legion club on Fridays, but he's not allowed in any more after what happened at the family fun night.

Tommy's car is an old saloon, usually a base model Mk1 Octavia or Nissan Primera, with missing hubcaps. To show his pride, Tommy has attempted to coachline his car with a tin of gold Hammerite, with a hamfisted attempt at his regimental crest painted on the bonnet and the doors. Flying proudly from the bonnet are two Union Jacks on little plastic clip-on flagpoles.

Tommy probably needs help to deal with what he experienced, but after 40 years, he'll never admit to having a problem.

*I'll try to get a picture of Tommy's car next time I go past, it's laughably tragic.

 

I would add: huge, faded poppy on the grill, and a social media feed full of memes about old soldiers and what they’ll do to people who aren’t wearing a poppy from August through December.