Tropes you see on the road

[Pieman]

20 hours ago, Lord Sterling said:

Line-Dancin' Len.

To say that Len is fond of Americana is a massive understatement. Len lives and breathes Americana, except, he lives in Scunthorpe, England, not Texas. His house is full of (fake) US state signs, movies with his hero John Wayne, pictures of Elvis in his early years, American flags and other yank-related memorabelia. He takes his looks and dress sense from a 70s American portrayal of a 1970s lumberjack, complete with moustache. 

He takes a holiday once a year religiously to Orlando, rents a 'drop-top' Mustang and does a road trip along route 66 whilst finding time to visit Elvis Presley's house.

All this costs and he saves hard for it. So after his faithful old Renault Scenic expired, he decides that his next car must be American. What did he choose I don't hear you ask? Did he get a cool Lincoln? A swooping Corvette? Some sort of 70s yank barge?

No. He bought a PT Cruiser. With it, he got one of those cheap reg transfer plates spelling 'LE5 2 USA' or something similar.

With this car, he can now join his friends again at his line-dancing classes just outside Scunthorpe.

I posted pretty much exactly that in a reply about PT Losers in another thread...



Great to see what is by far my favourite thread on here active again!

[Lord Sterling]

Metal Mickey

Mickey is a "scrap metal dealer". He has a business but doesn't have official premises, permits, or indeed anything official. What he does have is a Mk4 Transit or Iveco pick up with a high sided metal cage in the back to stop stuff falling off, which it sometimes does anyway as it gets filled above height of the cage. It rarely gets washed or serviced, yet still manages to start and drive.

The Transit is inevitably equipped with one of those horrible horn things that let you know the scrap metal man is in town and ready to boogie and always followed by a bellow of "SCRAP IYAAAAAAARRRRN...... AAAAAANY OOOLD IYAAAAARRRRRN!!!"

Mickey also has a couple of old Mk3 Transits. One sits in his front garden surrounded by growing weeds and strewn material. The other sits out on the pavement that acts as an overflow if he has too much stuff.

Mickey is generally to be seen driving quite slowly on residential roads and industrial estates looking for stuff to take.

[sheffcortinacentre]

2 minutes ago, Lord Sterling said:

Metal Mickey

Mickey is a scrap metal dealer. He has a business but doesn't have official premises. What he does have is a Mk4 Transit or Iveco pick up with a high sided metal cage in the back to stop stuff falling off, which it sometimes does anyway as it gets filled above height of the cage. It rarely gets washed or serviced, yet still manages to start and drive.

Mickey also has a couple of old Mk3 Transits. One sits in his front garden surrounded by growing weeds and strewn material. The other sits out on the pavement that acts as an overflow if he has too much stuff.

Mickey is generally to be seen driving quite slowly on residential roads and industrial estates looking for stuff to take.

&Lives near me

[bangernomics]

If it’s any consolation this failure in his 30s has acquired another diesel estate that’s even older…

Ohh to be a failure in my 30’s.

[Supernaut]

23 minutes ago, bangernomics said:

Ohh to be a failure in my 30’s.

I am.

It's not much fun.

[Imhotep]

57 minutes ago, bangernomics said:

Ohh to be a failure in my 30’s.

I thought the failing would end when I turned 30 but here I am at 32, still failing 

[quicksilver]

The one-man-band bus operator.

He used to drive buses for a big company but decided he wanted to be his own boss, so he's bought an elderly bus that he leaves in its previous operator's livery with his own fleetname (something generic like City Express or Handy Rider) crudely applied, and drives it himself on a service competing directly with his ex-employer's busiest route. He's supposed to run five minutes in front of the competition but his timekeeping is so poor it's impossible to predict when or if he will turn up. He has enough loyal customers who will use his service no matter what, but most passengers after trying it once prefer to wait for the big operator so he mostly spends his days driving a nearly empty bus. As he's constantly worn out from doing everything himself, one day he'll crash the bus into a shelter and the service won't run for a week while he repairs it with panels of the wrong colour. He doesn't like being photographed so he'll pull the sunblind down to cover his face while driving and shout abuse at any enthusiast trying to take a photo of his bus.

Operations come to a sudden end when a public inquiry results in his licence being revoked and him being banned from the industry, but his wife immediately applies for a licence that is an obvious front for him.

[timolloyd]

Bum sniffer Ben. 
Whether you’re doing 20mph or 120mph along a country lane, Ben will be right behind you, making unnecessarily dramatic weaves as if he’s looking for an opportunity to overtake.

But, as the miles tick past, it becomes clear that Ben lacks the bottle to use perfectly decent overtaking points, despite driving a capable car.

When you turn off the road, Ben makes an exaggerated down-change and ‘smokes’ off before hitting his terminal velocity that is +2mph above your own average speed.

[lesapandre]

I call them Pilotfish.

You can be miles out in the countryside - not a house or car in sight...except Peter The Pilotfish is absolutely right up your bumper - hanging on creating his own little moving urban traffic queue in the middle of nowhere. 

Makes driving a bit more stressful - because you have to be careful when you need to slow  - so that you don't do it too quickly and get Peter through your back window. Sometimes he's also joined by Patricia The Pilotfish - who makes it a three-some - and the three of you wend you way over rolling countryside in your own little mobile urban snarl-up.

They never ever ever pass when they get the opportunity but follow mile after mile after mile. I think they are genuinely lonely people who once they get out in the countryside are nervous of being alone  - and like to find the security of another driver or two and stay with them for company.

[Metal Guru]

1 hour ago, lesapandre said:

I call them Pilotfish.

You can be miles out in the countryside - not a house or car in sight...except Peter The Pilotfish is absolutely right up your bumper and hanging on creating his own little moving urban traffic queue in the middle of nowhere. 

Makes driving a bit more stressful because you have to be careful when you need to slow so that you don't do it too quickly and get Peter through your back window. Sometimes he's also joined by Patricia The Pilotfish - who makes it a three-some and the three of you wend you way over rolling countryside in you own little mobile urban snarl-up.

They never ever ever  pass when they get the opportunity but go mile after mile after mile. I think they are genuinely lonely people who once they get out in the countryside are nervous of being alone and like to find the security of another driver or two and stay with them for company.

There’s a slight variation on  the Pilotfish, Peter’s cousin death wish Dave. Like Peter he will latch onto your back bumper eschewing any decent overtaking opportunity.  Then just when you’re thinking he’s going home with you, he decides to overtake in the most inappropriate place possible, either on a blind bend,    the brow of a hill or with a 44Tonne HGV bearing down on him.

[Somerset Suffolk]

Narrow band Nigel 

Nigel drives a 2 year old Kia and only travels at 2 speeds - 34 MPH and 44 MPH -  You'll try not to tailgate him in a national speed limit with no over taking opportunities and then be bemused when you get to a 20 limit where he disappears into the distance ... 

 Amazingly he has a clean licence and favours the middle lane on any motorway for safety purposes  

[lesapandre]

2 hours ago, Metal Guru said:

There’s a slight variation on  the Pilotfish, Peter’s cousin death wish Dave. Like Peter he will latch onto your back bumper eschewing any decent overtaking opportunity.  Then just when you’re thinking he’s going home with you, he decides to overtake in the most inappropriate place possible, either on a blind bend,    the brow of a hill or with a 44Tonne HGV bearing down on him.

Another one is Posh Pilotfish - after miles of being pursued you finally snap and take the first left you can  - to lose the pursuing Pilotfish...but what's that? One of them is indicating to come your way too!

You then find you've driven into the long drive of a posh house with no way out...

After you executing a 19 point turn on the front lawn Posh Pilotfish - who has now stopped her car - asks you snottily what you are doing there?

You say you're lost and does she know the way to the survey office for the new open prison construction site?

You then drive off immediately. 

[Lord Sterling]

Lionel and Annabelle the Law Abiders

Lionel and Annabelle are a couple in their late 60s early 70s. They're an unremarkable couple, just pottering around in retirement. 

Like their own selves, they pick an absolutely unremarkable car. Think Peugeot/Kia.

Both Lionel and Annabelle have an absolute morbid fear of breaking the law after years of being scared to do so by Government Public Information Films etc.... so they are hyper cautious when driving.

When driving, 23 to 25mph is all they'll ever do. On bigger roads, 40mph on a 60mph road is all they'll ever wind up to and on the motorway, 50mph is all they need. That way, in thier own minds, should the Police start asking questions, they have their defence ready.

Such is the slow pace of their life that they don't care/have little awareness of their surroundings. For both Lionel and Annabelle, driving has always been a chore, never a pleasure.

[lesapandre]

I think Annabelle does crochet work for the local charity - and Lionel is a keen camponologist (bellringer) - touring the county's lovely old country churches.

It's only after Lionels sudden death that Annabelle discovers he's not been bellringing at all - but has a secret second family with three children in the nearby big town. And hence the economy car.

Ding-dong!

[Lord Sterling]

Lexi Fiesta 

Lexi is a young 20 year old. She has some undescript admin/HR job at some undescript local firm located out in some industrial estate next to a fast A-road.

Invariably, Lexi will have some late-ish plate Fiesta/new shape KA, bought for her by her parents (probably Lionel and Annabelle above) it was bought from some car supermarket type outfit, so had little service history, sports the ugliest, cheapest wheel trims known to man, but its shiny and cost an "assuring" amount of money (i.e. 3 x what it's really worth on the open market) 

Lexi doesn't care, its a car, it means freedom and not having to share with Mum and Dad anymore. 

But like her Mum and Dad, Lexi has little spatial awareness and that of her immediate surroundings, thus she travels at slow speeds, wears noise cancelling headphones so anything breaking on the car cannot be heard.

[Lord Sterling]

Scatty Amanda

Now, Scatty Amanda should know better, but clearly doesn't.

Scatty Amanda used to just be normal, if even bright. In the late 90s, she was just well happy with her little 1992 Mk3 Ford Fiesta 1.1 runabout whilst her husband Eric lorded it about in his E32 BMW 750iL.

However, times changed. In the mid 00s when Footballers Wives or whatever guff it was called, was on TV, was when things changed. Amanda no longer wanted the 'little womans' car. She wanted the big car, a statement car. At the same time, Eric was getting tired and frustrated of filling up the seemingly bottomless tanks of his BMWs/Mercedes/Jaguars...

Fro a while, Amanda had a white Land-Rover Discovery 3 whilst Eric toyed with a Toyota Prius as they were the new thing on the market and he no longer had any need nor desire to flash his wealth.

Now, Eric runs about in a more sensible Audi A4 estate hybrid in resale Silver whilst Amanda has a big Volvo XC90 mild Hybrid finished in all black 'Russian mafia hit squad' spec.

Amanda drives with all the care of a pigeon flying through a hall of mirrors. Apparently, no one told her that big cars are much more difficult to manoeuvre, especially in tight spots. She often nearly collides with vehicles when trying to pull out onto major road without really looking properly or changing lanes. Her perception of other road users is like her driving position, to look down on them. The law at most is a suggestion as she barrels through red lights thinking that a flutter of eyelashes and "Oh I'm sorry, I didn't see them change"  will suffice enough when she is inevitably pulled over.

[Volksy]

The 'Isn't it Sunday?' brigade.

Normally a small Korean/Japanese hatchback, trundling about at normally 5-10mph under the speed limit. Or not noticing at all if the speed limit changes from a 30 to a 40/50 and continues at the same rate of knots. 

Obviously not used to driving in busy traffic, baffled by lane discipline, roundabouts, roadworks, traffic lights and god forbid they go anywhere near a motorway. 

Blatantly only used to driving to and from M&S/Waitrose on a weekend or to impose on their kids for Sunday lunch. 

Generally in 'oblivious' mode to the world, pedestrians and other traffic, but will slip into phlegm spitting rage mode when challenged or will brake check you for getting too close despite the fact they seem to have no ability to maintain a constant speed.

When not causing chaos whilst driving, will be found parked on double yellows or dangerous spots displaying a blue badge.

 

[Rocket88]

On 15/06/2026 at 21:03, Pieman said:

I posted pretty much exactly that in a reply about PT Losers in another thread...



Great to see what is by far my favourite thread on here active again!

I live near Scunthorpe… perfectly true.

[lesapandre]

Hazards-On Hailey.

Think ice white Jaecoo J7, ice white Manolo Blahnik style heels, ice white fake Prada jacket, ice white Chanel bag (from the market), big shades, Hair by Leon from the hairdressers in the parade and ice white nails from that place next door.

Hazards-on-Hailey parks where she wants - dangerous corner, narrow street, on the pavement or blocking the turn - no problem for Hailey just on with the hazards and it's all ok innit - be it to the off-licence, betting shop, mini-mart or to get her nails resharpened. They can f*** hoot - she's got stuff to DO and anyway what are you f*** looking at? Do you think I can get that in a parking space yer ***.

She once almost got a parking ticket - but after ten minutes behind the pub she's now on first name terms with all the attendants.

So *** off.

[Cavcraft]

Scania Steve in his buffed up piss palace on wheels. Has a 26 square foot 'V8' sticker on the back of his cab and a light up Welsh dragon over the bed that you could see from the moon.

Steve likes to pull into the right hand lane of the bypass and slow down to the speed of the traffic in the left hand two hundred and seventy seven fucking miles before the lanes filter into one.

Happy to do 40mph on a single carriage A road for miles and miles and miles until the very point you go to safely overtake him, then he mysteriously* manages to find enough power to do 50mph and pulls towards the middle of the road to try and stop you getting past.

Wanks himself into a coma as he polishes his wheels in some deserted lay by for 14 hours. On minimum wage because he think it's better than more money driving anything except his million-lighted chrome barred wank chariot.

[lesapandre]

Panama Percy.

Panama Percy's owned his classic car since the 70's - he bought it when nobody wanted them - it's a huge maroon old thing with rippled paintwork and an interior like a musty dungeon - not many want them even now but Percy cares for it deeply like an aged pet.

In those days he was a slim young buck in flares and tank-top with a rich handlebar mustache - these days he's grown a bit like the car, large and maroon.

He takes it to shows accompanied by his wife Camilla (The other Queen Camilla he endlessly jokes to anyone who'll listen) and they park up and sit behind it in garden chairs - and then glare at anyone who comes near.  Sometimes they bring a picnic and set up a table for lunch - don't approach it's private they're not talking to anyone.

Like the car Percy is getting on in years -  and when Percy goes Camilla has been speaking to their son Ray about disposing of the car. Ray says he's got a mate who likes racing them in demolition derbys - Camilla hasn't told Percy this - but often chuckles to herself about it as she gets her knitting out while they settle down in chairs at some local show.

[Rocket88]

3 hours ago, lesapandre said:

Panama Percy.

Panama Percy's owned his classic car since the 70's - he bought it when nobody wanted them - it's a huge maroon old thing with rippled paintwork and an interior like a musty dungeon - not many want them even now but Percy cares for it deeply like an aged pet.

In those days he was a slim young buck in flares and tank-top with a rich handlebar mustache - these days he's grown a bit like the car, large and maroon. 

He takes it to shows accompanied by his wife Camilla (The other Queen Camilla he endlessly jokes to anyone who'll listen) and they park up and sit behind it in garden chairs - and then glare at anyone who comes near.  Sometimes they bring a picnic and set up a table for lunch - don't approach it's private they're not talking to anyone.

Like the car Percy is getting on in years -  and when Percy goes Camilla has been speaking to their son Ray about disposing of the car. Ray says he's got a mate who likes racing them in demolition derbys - Camilla hasn't told Percy this - but often chuckles to herself about it as she gets her knitting out while they settle down in chairs at some local show.

I know these people, although they’ve got an MGB

[lesapandre]

Ronald Ruthless Removals

Ronald Ruthless, Ron to his friends, Ronnie to 'er indoors, and Mr Ruthless at the local Magistrates Court - is the proprietor of RR Removals - no job too small. It's a two-man band with his mate Horace - who really provides the brawn.

They run a 2003 battered and badly sign written Transit luton - which  previously belonged to some courier outfit and is now on 350,000 miles - smokes like a nicotine addicted beagle. 

Ron's fixed the logbook to avoid any of the annoying emission charges - and they happily smog their way round town each day

Both Ron and Horace are big men in their late middle-age and the business runs on the basis that 'friendly' Ron under-quotes on simple removal jobs for students and those in the nice bits of town and then doubles the cost on the day because of something not quoted - stairs or yellow lines or some such.

It works a treat - cus once he's got all the stuff in the back of the van - there is little anyone can do except pay-up - Ron always wants cash. If anyone complains Horace can turn nasty - some punter once had a stroke.

Ron and Horace like to dress up and go to a really posh restaurant once a month and blow the profits before the accountant cooks the books. They'll have a good laugh about their hapless customers  - over a nice £200 bottle of wine.

[Dobloseven]

SORN Sean

Owns about 17,or is it 20 cars.All off the road due to "just needing"or "could be doing with".And he knows what they're all worth.His marriage ended about ten years ago,but he's still got three stashed at the matrimonial home that he's assured his ex will soon be gone.His flat comes with a designated parking space, he's obviously filled.Plus some of his carless neighbours have kindly let him use their spaces on a temporary basis.He's got a couple in the corner of his work car park.One at his parents house,some more on friends drives.Even some in rented lock ups, he's forgotten about.And one is at a friend's garage business.Been there seven years, on the understanding he'll repair it at mates rates when he's got a bit of a quiet time work wise.Such a nice chap,he has some success with the ladies,but they are surprised when he seems strangely interested in what off road parking they have available.Only current transport is a borrowed mountain bike.

[timolloyd]

On 20/06/2026 at 10:55, lesapandre said:

Panama Percy.

Panama Percy's owned his classic car since the 70's - he bought it when nobody wanted them - it's a huge maroon old thing with rippled paintwork and an interior like a musty dungeon - not many want them even now but Percy cares for it deeply like an aged pet.

In those days he was a slim young buck in flares and tank-top with a rich handlebar mustache - these days he's grown a bit like the car, large and maroon.

He takes it to shows accompanied by his wife Camilla (The other Queen Camilla he endlessly jokes to anyone who'll listen) and they park up and sit behind it in garden chairs - and then glare at anyone who comes near.  Sometimes they bring a picnic and set up a table for lunch - don't approach it's private they're not talking to anyone.

Like the car Percy is getting on in years -  and when Percy goes Camilla has been speaking to their son Ray about disposing of the car. Ray says he's got a mate who likes racing them in demolition derbys - Camilla hasn't told Percy this - but often chuckles to herself about it as she gets her knitting out while they settle down in chairs at some local show.

Stag with a conversion to the 2000 engine.

[Metal Guru]

10 hours ago, timolloyd said:

Stag with a conversion to the 2000 engine.

Saw a Stag today. It looked so small compared to today’s cars. Thought it was a Spitfire from behind. 

[Volksy]

11 hours ago, Dobloseven said:

SORN Sean

Owns about 17,or is it 20 cars.All off the road due to "just needing"or "could be doing with".And he knows what they're all worth.His marriage ended about ten years ago,but he's still got three stashed at the matrimonial home that he's assured his ex will soon be gone.His flat comes with a designated parking space, he's obviously filled.Plus some of his carless neighbours have kindly let him use their spaces on a temporary basis.He's got a couple in the corner of his work car park.One at his parents house,some more on friends drives.Even some in rented lock ups, he's forgotten about.And one is at a friend's garage business.Been there seven years, on the understanding he'll repair it at mates rates when he's got a bit of a quiet time work wise.Such a nice chap,he has some success with the ladies,but they are surprised when he seems strangely interested in what off road parking they have available.Only current transport is a borrowed mountain bike.

Oh. Aspirations! 

[Lord Sterling]

Pete the preceived Perfectionist

Pete likes older cars, he has a perfectly preserved example of a 1992 Renault Safrane which he paid probably way over the odds for. But it's low mileage, has virtually no rust spots and in fine fettle.

Pete has a deep belief that he is far superior than many of the others on the car forum he is a member of. He has a large driveway, a garage full of tools which is large enough to keep the car in and work on it. He keeps it polished and services it on the spot.

However, he has an annoying and sad habit of looking down at others and trolling anyone who isn't like him and doesn't have what he has. He simply doesn't get the idea that not everyone has a nice large driveway with a wide, warm garage to keep their choice of car in.

Skip a service? Bought a slightly down-at-heel example of an older car? Have an interest in a low-spec car rather than one of the "better" options? Bought more cars than you need? He'll take every opportunity to have thinly disguised go at you about your choices because he thinks he is better and far superior, he isn't, he's just a twat, his self-awareness is severely lacking.

[Metal Guru]

Beat around the bush Bob.

Joins an old car forum and describes a fellow forum member in a thinly disguised description within one of the threads, when the accepted form on the forum is to call that member a complete wanker.

[quicksilver]

Peter the poser.

He's spent far too much time immersed in the glamorous world of spy dramas and become a wannabe James Bond despite having an utterly boring job as an accountant or something. He scrimped and saved and has just about managed to buy his dream Aston Martin, but it was the cheapest example on the market and although he makes sure it looks good from a distance it's pretty knackered and costs him a fortune to keep running, so he's reluctant to let true petrolheads take a close look at it.  Image is everything so he always wears expensive suits and cologne while driving it (gently, he never exploits its performance as a) he's terrified that something costly will break and b) he's not as good a driver as he'd like to be) and considers himself a suave, sophisticated ladies' man like his literary heroes but actually comes across as a bit of a knob.