Tropes you see on the road

[IronStar]

On 21/11/2025 at 21:12, Lord Sterling said:

* This is one that isn't that common yet, but very likely to seen on our roads very soon. 

Olivia-Chelsea, the 'Temu' Jaecoo.

Olivia-Chelsea, who is generally in her late 20s to her early 40s is one of those pretend 'busy' women who has a fake smile, a fake semi-posh accent, always takes the same kind of selfies from above and juts out her cleavage in said pictures (as well as adding a fake filter on the pics). She doesn't own a house and buys everything on finance. Her job is either as a social-media "influencer" or working within some unspecified managerial office role.

She thinks she looks wealthy, but all of her stuff is generally 'Temu/Ali Baba' bought, they usually get thrown out after 2 years as she tries to keep up with the latest trends.

Her vehicle aspirations were of a Range Rover/Land Rover Discovery or even an Evoque, because nothing shows how successful (read: desperate for attention) she really is than owing one of those. But Olivia-Chelsea could never justify the financial options.

She needs (wants) a "statement" car and her social media accounts have led to seeing other people like her raving on about this new Chinese car called Jaecoo. So, she goes to place that "sells" them and is immediately sold on the modern looks and features, she signs yet another finance agreement which will see her cash poor.

What she doesn't realise (and, doesn't really care about) is parts availability, running costs and poor crash safety protection, plus the general fit and finish of everything. So long as its shiny, new and big, she cares about little else.

When she takes it out, most people will either be indifferent or confused. To many, it looks like some random new electric car, to others, they are quietly guffawing under their breath knowing how poor this vehicle really is having literally just scratched the surface of research.

A friend of mine bought something called Chery Tiggo 8 Pro. I went to take a look, primed to tear him a new one. 
I couldn’t. It’s really good. Fit and finish is on point. Has all the toys you could possibly want. Great seats, very comfy suspension. Tons of space. Very reasonable consumption considering it’s a 7 seater SUV. Generous warranty. Amazing price and even better value for money. 
Not fast by any means, but as a humongous SUV, does it really need to be?

The sole obvious negative, other than the name which sounds like a phone you’d order off AliExpress, was a slowish gearbox. Think ~2015 Mercedes autobox.

I’m not the target market, but I really like it and think it’s a ton of car for the money. Would.

Sorry.

[sheffcortinacentre]

53 minutes ago, Rocket88 said:

Ford perverts are, without doubt, the most pig headed, blinkered, motoring bores on the planet. Dave Mathewson is a prime example 

It's not know as the RS yawners club for nothing.

[Metal Guru]

4 hours ago, sheffcortinacentre said:

It's not know as the RS yawners club for nothing.

Aren’t most owner's clubs dominated by by people who want to bore you to death about the tiniest detail about their choice of car?

[dozeydustman]

5 hours ago, Metal Guru said:

Aren’t most owner's clubs dominated by by people who want to bore you to death about the tiniest detail about their choice of car?

Yes, but die hard Ford owners do the same thing and slate any other brand as utter shite. Most other (almost) die hard Healey, Jaaaaaaag, Triumph fans I have met use a metaphor along the lines of one man’s meat is another man’s poison, and rarely heavily lay into the pitfalls of a Stag, for example.

[reb]

6 hours ago, Metal Guru said:

Aren’t most owner's clubs dominated by by people who want to bore you to death about the tiniest detail about their choice of car?

My old 850 TDI had an 850R bumper on it, quite a common mod and admittedly looked quite mean, it was there when I got it but I wouldn't have fitted it myself because they are ££££. Anyways, after I fired it through a wall the bumper ended up cracked open and dangling. At that point I wanted to patch the car up, cat B be damned. I posted on the owners club asking if anyone had a standard bumper for sale. I'll admit I did post a photo of it, figuring the ragebait would drive engagement and get the post a bit more reach.

A couple of people PM'd me to say they had bumpers, but both of them started off by asking "why did your car have an R bumper anyway?"

Not like it's a common mod or anything.

 

Bloody rivet counters.

[Metal Guru]

Mr or Mrs What’s the point in speeding up?

They crawl out of the town 20 mph zone at 10 mph because they’re so shit scared of any interaction with the law. 
When they get to the 30/40 zone they still keep 10 or so under, because “they’re safe drivers and it’s a limit not a target”.

When they get to the NSL sign however, they don’t bother to speed up at all as they know they will soon* get to the next town 5 or 10 miles away and they’d only have to slow down again.

Ironically, they often speed up at the 40mph sign at the next town because it’s nice and straight and lit, while the NSL section has a couple of bends and is a bit dark. 

[Knotty Ash Towers]

2 hours ago, Metal Guru said:

Mr or Mrs What’s the point in speeding up?

They crawl out of the town 20 mph zone at 10 mph because they’re so shit scared of any interaction with the law. 
When they get to the 30/40 zone they still keep 10 or so under, because “they’re safe drivers and it’s a limit not a target”.

When they get to the NSL sign however, they don’t bother to speed up at all as they know they will soon* get to the next town 5 or 10 miles away and they’d only have to slow down again.

Ironically, they often speed up at the 40mph sign at the next town because it’s nice and straight and lit, while the NSL section has a couple of bends and is a bit dark. 

I've noticed this a lot in North Wales since they brought in 20mph zones. When the speed limit goes up to 60mph, some people refuse to go above 35mph...

[Supernaut]

Why bother speeding up?

There's a corner in 3 miles, I'd just have to slow down again.

Bloody maniac, overtaking me! I'm a safe driver!

[sierraman]

Dave the Trade. Drives a 2014 Transit, slowly everywhere.

Pricing strategy is all over the show, arrives at 10am, sits in his van having a fag then comes in has a cup of tea, starts talking about something he’s read in the Daily Mail, makes a mess of whatever it is he’s doing and blames it on materials being poor quality as to why the shower bar he’s installed is on the piss. In fact his trade is talking, as that’s what he spends 90% of his time up to 2:45pm doing. Then goes off for four pints of Madri in the local then drives the van home, via the takeaway. Has a hugely inflated idea of his skills and how much it’s worth. Persistently over running on jobs and will cause delays by generally very poor time management.
 

The van, it’s definitely a Transit, not a new one but one he has had for a donkeys age. It’s never been serviced not once, it’s close to collapse but his mechanic says it’s best he keeps it. It’s got a Poppy on the grill and some sort of football fan sticker somewhere. 

[Lord Sterling]

Trade-plate Tim.

Tim has been pretty luck-less in his 30-odd years on this planet. A career has eluded him more times than he has had a hot meal. Most of his mates are managers/shift leads or small business owners. 

After a spell on the dole, he fell into this world of trade-plate driving. Basically, pick up a car locally, take it to its destination, get to next job, etc...

As he gets in to the job, Tim manages to smash the company issued phone but still manages to do the job as only the screen is cracked.

What Tim loves about the job is the variety of cars he gets to drive and some of the cars he gets to take home of a weekend. He finally gets to compare himself with his neighbour Bogurat Czanislav who drives a blacked-out 316d as he drives into his 90s-built sink estate with his latest job (which might actually be a Seat Ibiza of some description). Unfortunately, he'll take as much care with those 'job' cars as he does his own barely used and down-at-heel Vauxhall Astra. The 'job' car may well find a sack load of croissant and crisps bits and discarded chocolate wrappers. It may also stink of 3-day old unwashed uniform. 

Tim will drive at absolute warp-speed, partly because he wants to see what speed it'll do, partly because he thinks he is some sort of 'Stig' off Top Gear type and partly because he knows he needs to make that once-in-blue-moon train connection. 

Invariably, he'll manage to damage the 'job' cars in some way or another, usually through flying stones into the windscreen or driving in a way that'll introduce him to the nearest hedge/innocent motorist.

[Rocket88]

4 hours ago, Lord Sterling said:

Trade-plate Tim.

Tim has been pretty luck-less in his 30-odd years on this planet. A career has eluded him more times than he has had a hot meal. Most of his mates are managers/shift leads or small business owners. 

After a spell on the dole, he fell into this world of trade-plate driving. Basically, pick up a car locally, take it to its destination, get to next job, etc...

As he gets in to the job, Tim manages to smash the company issued phone but still manages to do the job as only the screen is cracked.

What Tim loves about the job is the variety of cars he gets to drive and some of the cars he gets to take home of a weekend. He gets, finally to compare himself with his neighbour Bogurat Czanislav who drives a blacked-out 520d as he drives into his 90s-built sink estate with his latest job (which might actually be a Seat Ibiza of some description). Unfortunately, he'll take as much care with those 'job' cars as he does his own barely used and down-at-heel Vauxhall Astra. The 'job' car may well find a sack load of croissant and crisps bits and discarded chocolate wrappers. It may also stink of 3-day old unwashed uniform. 

Tim will drive at absolute warp-speed, partly because he wants to see what speed it'll do, partly because he thinks he is some sort of 'Stig' off Top Gear type abd partly because he knows he needs to make that once-in-blue-moon train connection. 

Invariably, he'll manage to damage the cars he brings in some way or another, usually through flying stones into the windscreen or driving in a way that'll introduce him to the nearest hedge/innocent motorist.

Plated for a few months years ago… a soul destroying experience 

[ProgRocker]

5 hours ago, Lord Sterling said:

Trade-plate Tim.

Tim has been pretty luck-less in his 30-odd years on this planet. A career has eluded him more times than he has had a hot meal. Most of his mates are managers/shift leads or small business owners. 

After a spell on the dole, 

Sounds a little bit like my life story .

[Lord Sterling]

21 hours ago, Rocket88 said:

Plated for a few months years ago… a soul destroying experience 

Did it myself for a couple of years. Pretty much above was self-explanatory. Accept, when I could, I'd dust the mats out and take any choccy bar wrappers with me. If I could clean a car, I would, but money was always tight and I usually had a fairly clean car over the weekend anyway. 

[Lord Sterling]

I've returned to this section after some inspiration via a road trip yesterday and after remembering the mistake I made when I visited a bloody JLR dealership near me for some as-yet unresolved key fob issues.

Danny the EV man.

Danny did his youth-ing in the late 80s and early 90s. Going to raves, smoking a bit of weed, driving an XR2 he couldn't afford then a battered Astra 1.3L etc... but now he has settled into a life of being a quiet, grey, balding, bespectacled guy whilstfully floating along in life.

After a plethora (or not) of absolutely boring run-of-mill, middle of the road cars, he has decided to down EV route.

The slightly wealthier Danny might consider a BMW i4 or something equally forgetful because he has the money and wants to play the 'impress the neighbours' game.

Our Danny here decides to invest in the latest Toyota Corolla EV estate, because: dog/wife/shed building equipment is required for his hobbies and to keep the wife and dog happy.

Danny drives just as he lives his life. He floats like a barge slowly passing. Set your cruise-control to 67mph and he'll be passing you at an absolute snails-pace. You could grow a beard before you see the back of his car. Plus, he is a lane hogger, he'll stay in his lane slowly passing traffic not massively aware of his surroundings. 

[Lord Sterling]

Mr & Mrs Nigel Brexit

Mr & Mrs Nigel Brexit are pretty much as you'd expect them to be. Constantly ashen-faced, looking down thier nose at everyone and everything. Think Mr & Mrs Bucket (pronounced 'Bouquet') but a scarier more horrible version. 

Nigel had some sort of unknown accounting/managerial job at some big grey industrial complex thathas undoubtedly been long-demolished and some new houses/tiny industrial units put in its place. Mrs NB spent her time in a series of part-time jobs as Nigel's contribution paid for the house, the bills and more. Mrs NB spends a lot of time of social media complaining about having spotted suspicious dark-looking men on various places, like the supermarket or high street.

Nigel has fully or semi-retired. They've decided to buy a Jaguar F-Pace, because; its a Jaguar and they feel it makes them seem far more upper class than they actually are, plus, despite being a company brought by owned by Tata (when their car was made) they feel particularly proud of their purchase.

[lesapandre]

Terry the Tooter.

Can't get off the horn - anyone slows down to let a bus out or pulls up before entering a roundabout or is cautious on pulling out at a busy T- junction - Terry is reliably right behind to give an exasperated toot toot because he's a much better driver and knows you should move faster. Generally has the drivers seat right forward and is virtually flat against the windscreen. Got 9 points on his licence after scraping a bus and that accident on the roundabout - he's in court again next week about the motorcyclist he hit at the T-junction. 

Still he absolutely knows he gets where he wants quicker than you...

 

[Lord Sterling]

Line-Dancin' Len.

To say that Len is fond of Americana is a massive understatement. Len lives and breathes Americana, except, he lives in Scunthorpe, England, not Texas. His house is full of (fake) US state signs, movies with his hero John Wayne, pictures of Elvis in his early years, American flags and other yank-related memorabelia. He takes his looks and dress sense from a 70s American portrayal of a 1970s lumberjack, complete with moustache. 

He takes a holiday once a year religiously to Orlando, rents a 'drop-top' Mustang and does a road trip along route 66 whilst finding time to visit Elvis Presley's house.

All this costs and he saves hard for it. So after his faithful old Renault Scenic expired, he decides that his next car must be American. What did he choose I don't hear you ask? Did he get a cool Lincoln? A swooping Corvette? Some sort of 70s yank barge?

No. He bought a PT Cruiser. With it, he got one of those cheap reg transfer plates spelling 'LE5 2 USA' or something similar.

With this car, he can now join his friends again at his line-dancing classes just outside Scunthorpe.

[lesapandre]

Rick Campervan.

Rick has a successful tile sales company - inherited it from his dad but has pushily built it into quite a profitable business. Now employs his two sons - but he's still very much in charge

Started out with a 1974 Volkswagen Transporter camper van he fitted out himself - been going away skiing each winter for years when business is slack. Profits have been good so he bought a professionally kitted out 2021 Transporter with all the bells and whistles - now goes with his sons each year to Chamonix. Drives himself all the way in one go - stopping off is for sissies - not for him...

Trouble is this year he nodded off on the A40 Autoroute and hit a lorry. 

RIP Campervan.

[lesapandre]

Paul The Pick-up.

Paul drives a huge pick-up called a Raptor or something. Will cut you up at road junctions as he roars past to get back from work - runs it on the construction company.

Home is pretty quiet when he gets in - because his wife Sharon will be off at the gym and then be spending the rest of the evening with Marcus the gym instructor.

Things haven't been the same since Sharon caught Paul trying on her clothes one evening. They are only staying together because of the kids and her mother.

Still Paul can take it out on other drivers again tomorrow in the Raptor.

[Lord Sterling]

Hanger-on Helen & Must-get-in-front Kate.

Picture this; you're driving a long a very long dual carriageway or multi-laned motorway. You're not a rush, so cruising along at a nice 65mph. 

Along comes Helen, you catch a glimpse of her speeding down the inside lane and catching you up. Remember, you're on a dual carriageway so it's very likely she'll overtake you. Nae worries, you're not in a rush and have no agenda.

But she doesn't. She hangs on following you like some shit detective, it starts to feel a little annoying, so you speed up a bit and she catches up with you, you slow down that she only passes when she thinks your going to stop. And finally, she passes. 

Helen's car isn't a specific make, model or type, she drives everything from a Citroën C1 to BMW i5.

Must-get-in-front Kate

Kate sees the road is the same odd way she sees life; there is a place for everyone and everyone must know their place.

She drives a German marque'd vehicle which she believes is superior, its either an estate like a 5-series estate or a Volvo soft-roader. 

She'll see a vehicle cruising along and proceeds to overtake, then she'll settle back into the lane of the vehicle she's just passed and slow her speed down which then causes the vehicle she's just passed to have to slow down too or overtake, which it does. Eventually, the same thing will happen again, rinse and repeat at which point the other driver removes themselves from her vicinity. Kate doesn't kmow or care. She's gained the road space she wants and that's that.

[lesapandre]

Oblivious Meg.

Meg works late in healthcare - nothing glamorous she looks after the people at the care home.

She's very jolly and drives a silver Micra - with her 50-strong mini-Furby collection all over the dashboard. She drives slowly because she has trouble seeing out - and that big scrape on the wing is because she missed a bollard in the care home car park.

She has trouble getting boyfriends - Tarquin the latest stays home in the evenings drinking cider and sniffing glue - he keeps occupied playing Dungeons and Dragons.

Thing is sometimes Meg doesn't want to go home but would rather stay in the car with her Furbies.

[Lord Sterling]

Archie the YouChoober

Archie is a slightly shouty, slightly over excited GenX YouTuber who loves wierd and strange cars, particularly if they're BL cars.

He has his own YouTube channel like ARCHIES /// BL /// CARS or something.

He has one of those YouTube library 80s intros and talks incessantly about all things BL. 

He appears to have the midas touch, through his account and followers he is able to do and organise things. He is able to save rare, wierd and wonderful cars we all dreamed of owning but were told we needed to remortgage our houses and sell our kidneys and an arm to afford just the deposit for. Yet, he'll be able to snap it up (albeit, 15 years later) for £249 and a used lollypop stick.

He comes from a background where everything is already there. A big garage/shed, driveway, tools, books, memorabelia.

Daily, he drives a late P38 Range Rover 4.6 V8. He'll also have the weirdest spec never-made-to-production, never registered SD1 with a 2.8 Diesel fitted with a experimental garret turbo that BL never finished because they ran out of money or went on strike, or just went home and of course, our Archie, ever the Midas-touch tripped over whilst doing some research and managed to buy it.

On the side, he'll also have a Piano-Black Rover 75 V6 saloon with an extremely rare 'Opulance' interior with cream (not beige) interior on even rarer 'Cosmic' alloys.

As you do....

[bangernomics]

Renee the remorque.

No matter the road, no matter the traffic he will be attached to the car in front like his life depends upon it.

Never more than 2 car lengths away he couldn’t tell you the number plate of the car in front as he can’t see them due to being so close.

Beeps a lot at the car in front when they brake “like an idiot” coming up to a stop sign.

He also suffers from one speed syndrome, 70kmh in an 80,50,30kmh zone. It doesn’t matter because well he lives round here so indicating and lane discipline on roundabouts are negated by the horn.

Gets shouted at a lot by foreigners as he calls them when he beeps at them when they stop at a stop sign.

*Events are entirely fictional, I am not that foreigner.

[quicksilver]

Barry the middle-aged chav.

Barry was one of the original Barry Boys who subscribed to Max Power right from the start, spent a fortune modifying his Corsa with a mad bodykit and wicked sound system and terrorised the neighbourhood throughout his youth. That Corsa inevitably ended up either crashed or failing an MOT horribly and Barry eventually settled down with a sensible car, a family and a good job that allowed him to pay off the loans he took out to pay for the mods to the Corsa, but his love for the Max Power scene never went away.

Now he's middle-aged, his wife has left him and the kids have grown up, and he has the disposable income to relive his misspent youth. He's bought a modern Corsa and spent another fortune pimping it out with all the VXR bits and an even more massive sound system, and spends his evenings after work at his boring office job attending car meets dressed in a shell suit and backwards baseball cap, looking like a pillock and annoying the locals with his thumping bass. Even though he's happy to be known as Barry everywhere else, he introduces himself as Baz or Bazza at car meets. He shouts a lot because he's gone deaf from years of exposure to loud music but doesn't realise it.

[Lord Sterling]

Terry the Trade

Terry is a painter and decorator. He paints houses, flats but his bread and butter work in the summer is shop fronts.

Terry doesn't know a lot about cars, his interests are mainly football, beer, right-wing politics, women and how he must be right in every argument, despite the fact that 'research' is a foreign word that should be deported.

Invariably, as he knows little about cars, he has bought an aging Citroën Berlingo van in matted dulux white. It's just right for the job. Simple, cheap to maintain, you can chuck all sorts in there. At home, his missus drives a Picasso diesel which he rarely drives himself except when going on holidays or family outings.

The interior of the Berlingo has almost as much paint inside of it as his usual work clothes and a 8ft by 10ft wall, because of that one paint can that decided to fall.

For a laugh, he once let a mate ride in the back of the van who wanted a lift, once in, he proceeded to rag the van around corners as speed and attempt handbrake turns in which a can of paint did burst open and covered his mate in a fresh coat of light magnolia.

His friend never spoke to him again...

[Lord Sterling]

Barry the bus man.

Barry hates people, quite why he became a bus driver is anyone's guess.

Barry is an oddly shaped man, built like an Easter egg. His uniform is ill-fitting and hangs off in the wrong places making him look always scruffy.

Despite this, he threads the ageing Optare Metrocity through the city roads past badly parked cars like its an actual Metro City with a 1.3L engine. He speeds down the straight city road like the thing is a Toyota MR2 on steroids. Passengers usually get a bit scared.

He sometimes helps his local community by smashing into branches that haven't been cut the local council that should have been done months ago. Usually, after a few hits, the branch may come flying off into an innocent parked car or middle of the road.

He rarely ever communicates with the passengers unless he really has to. Otherwise its nothing more than a grunt.

[Lord Sterling]

On 13/10/2023 at 01:52, Metal Guru said:

Anyone going to admit any of these tropes is them?

Hmmm.

I think a combination of these resemble me:

• The skinflint. 

"Usually seen driving an older half-decent car that they bought for peanuts, and oftenmention to people that it's "not bad for £xxx".  Rarely washed, some small minor damage that they can't be arsed sorting out"

• Pound shop Sultan of Brunei.

A ‘fleet’ of approx 50 vehicles of which only 1-2 are used regularly. The remainder are in various states of disrepair because they’re on the list to be ‘looked at’

This really only happened more recently and I don't really want to think how many cars I actually have. Its a lot less than 50.

• Failure in their 30s'.

Drives an old car that was once considered a decent model but is now towards the end of its life, diesel, covered in dents tat from a previous owner and rarely washed.  Bonus points for slightly obscure, quick-ish estates.

I was in my 30s still when I had this:

[GrumpiusMaximus]

If it’s any consolation this failure in his 30s has acquired another diesel estate that’s even older…

[lesapandre]

Municipal Mick

Mick's employed by the Council to go round the houses collecting the 'large waste' that the dustbin lorry can't take. He's got a rusty 2014 Transit with a metal cage on the back and a helper called Stan - who is always complaining about his bad back. 

He rags the Transit something rotten and the thing belches smoke - he's on the second clutch this year. Transport Manager's a tight wad and for this kind of collection won't authorise a newer vehicle.  Mick is furious so continues to rattle and smoke round the estates punishing the vehicle.

Except he's not really called Mick - his first name's Vivian - but he can't stand it so he calls himself Mick. The other thing he can't stand is the way the area has gone so he always omits a few collections from the wrong people or if he sees them out on the road tailgates them.

Jokes with his mates in the pub about it afterwards - but he never lets on his real name's Vivian.

[lesapandre]

Scatty Samantha.

Samantha drives a grimey Hyundai  - not a new one mind - it's the car her husband left following the divorce - it does.

She can't remember what needs looking after or even when anything was done. It's not been cleared out inside or washed since her husband left - that's four years - she's nostalgic like that.

She used to work at the local crèche - but that came to an end following the microwave incident - luckily the crèche found temporarily accommodation while their building was being repaired but understandably they didn't take Samantha with them.

She now does a few shifts at the mini-mart and occasionally sees her ex-husband's new wife. The wife doesn't know her - so she always makes sure she short changes her at the till.