Tropes you see on the road

[martc]

9 minutes ago, quicksilver said:

Mrs Panic. Usually a middle-aged woman driving a supermini of some sort. She sees an emergency vehicle on blues and twos coming up fast behind her and decides the best course of action is to stop dead in the middle of the road. It doesn't matter that there's traffic coming the other way so she's blocked its path completely, she'll make it stop and wait to get around her. She genuinely thinks this is the right thing to do and is far better than carrying on driving to a safe stopping place as she's somehow got it into her head that you shouldn't hold up an emergency vehicle and need to stop and let it pass immediately.

Or Mr Doubleplus Don't Panic Road Captain who sees an an emergency vehicle on blues and twos coming up fast TOWARDS him on the OPPOSITE SIDE of the road and decides the best course of action is to stop dead in the middle of the road.

And then flicks the vees at you when you have to pull up sharp behind him and  sound your horn in response to his ridiculous behaviour.

(this happened to me a few weeks ago (and several further times in the past), could also go in the poor driving thread).

The current Mrs martc used to travel in ambulances a lot (as an emergency midwife) and one thing that the drivers hated was people just stopping, they'd rather you carry on in front and perhaps pull in at a point were neither you nor the ambulance are put in danger.

[lesapandre]

Ludicrous Linda

Linda is highly strung - always in a panic and shouts she's overworked to anyone who will listen (she's employed in the local quiet cake shop on the counter). Her husband couldn't take the constant dramas and left years ago - so she now pursues her grown-up son at every opportunity. There is the always acrid smell of burning martyr about everything Linda does.

Linda drives a dented white Hyundai i10 about 2015 vintage - it's a gift from her son who got fed up with having to give her lifts all the time before she got the car - she was always missing her buses.

Linda first learnt to drive in the 1980's and hasn't been behind the wheel of a car since - until the Hyundai. She's fierce on the brakes, reluctant to pull out and spends most of her time on the road in an absolute panic.  There is no traffic situation that can't be made worse because Ludicrous Linda and the Hyundai are involved.

She recently came back from an ill-considered foreign holiday with her friend Marge - Jose the man they met on holiday at the hotel came back with her - and now she can't get him out of her flat - the customers in the cake shop hear about nothing else the days.

The situation hasn't improved Linda's driving much either.

[quicksilver]

The guy who might be responsible for Mrs Panic's behaviour: the Angry Jerk Farmer.

He has CCTV all over his farm and obsessively checks the footage every day. He's outraged to see a car stopped in his gateway for ten seconds to let an emergency vehicle pass, and takes to the local Facebook group to rant about how they had the audacity to trespass on his private property and block his gate that he needs constant access to. The comments fill up with people pointing out what a twat he's being, but he just blocks them and refuses to admit he did anything wrong.

The same guy thinks nothing of driving his tractor many miles during rush hour and causing massive tailbacks, often with the rear floodlights left on so he's blinding everyone behind him. He won't ever pull in to let them pass and expects everyone to just be patient and put up with it because he's doing such a vital job and nobody can live without farmers.

[Imhotep]

3 hours ago, quicksilver said:

Mrs Panic. Usually a middle-aged woman driving a supermini of some sort. She sees an emergency vehicle on blues and twos coming up fast behind her and decides the best course of action is to stop dead in the middle of the road. It doesn't matter that there's traffic coming the other way so she's blocked its path completely, she'll make it stop and wait to get around her. She genuinely thinks this is the right thing to do and is far better than carrying on driving to a safe stopping place as she's somehow got it into her head that it's illegal to hold up an emergency vehicle and you need to stop and let it pass immediately.

This actually happened when my dad was on blues, she pulled out of a blind junction without looking, saw the ambulance and stopped dead right in the path of it. Ambulance T-Boned her. All okay thankfully but the ambulance and the car were written off. Seen the same thing a few times on Road Wars/Traffic Cops etc where they’re on a shout and someone just stops dead and gives them nowhere to go. 

[sheffcortinacentre]

I always pull in far left as I can get ( even if plenty of room for them) & keep my foot on brake ( hopefully signalling I'm not gonna pull out).

It was same with recover trucks once in side of road white speclift light bar going loading a white Punto with hazards on, road was twice normal width so traffic was easily passing couple slowed & stopped a cars length behind looked bewildered then decided to drive around & carryon🤔🤔🤔

[Lord Sterling]

Dashcam Pam/Bob

The Dashcammer is either a middle aged Bob or Pam.

They drive a nondescript 3-pot car, usually something like a Peugeot 107/Toyota Aygo or other. 

They see themselves as the absolute gold-standard of drivers. Everything they do, they think they are the best at it.

Yet, they can't control their ego/entitlement, any incedent sees them drive into dabger just to make a point and then try and convince everyone else around them that they were in the right.

For example, vehicle may overtake them on a long straight road legally and safely if going a tad faster than the l speed limit or take the chance and pull out safely from a minor sode road without inconveniencing anyone. Bob/Pam will almost certainly look to reprimand said driver by blaring their horn/flashing their lights and shouting abuse.

If ever they were to see someone cutting into their lane (a good few yards away) or nipping out onto the roundabout before they could even reach the junction, they'll stop dead in the middle of the road, or better still, drive into the danger zone and end up crumpling their wing/door and causing damage to the other vehicle.

With that, they'll happily send off their footage to some Dashcam UK channel on YouTube believing that they are in the right. 

Invariably, they'll get torn apart in the comments section and in some extreme circumstances have their footage sent to the Police for assessment. If an accident has occured, they'll be absolutely shocked and outraged that the insurance company has found in favour of the other driver, simply because they weren't looking ahead and taking avoiding action. They may even get a review from a large ginger bearded Geordie bloke from Newcastle on their insurance claim.

[Lord Sterling]

Transit Tommy

Tommy lad is some nondescript self-employed something or other where a van is required. He seems to make a good life as he lives in a large 4-bedroomed new-build with a newish white BMW 218d on the driveway next to his beloved new Ford Transit. 

The Transit is adorned with some dealer-fit custom bodykit, big black wheels and the FORD badge on the front that is usually seen on US Ford Wildtrack trucks (now a UK dealer option) his Transit is never sign-written, he excuses this by stating that it won't then ruin the bodywork, but in reality, its probably because his business is a sham, advertising work, doing a bad job, taking the money and then running. The kind of guy that gave Matt Allright's 'Rogue Traders' a reason to exist.

Tommy thinks he's absolutely on top the world, he thinks he is the worlds best driver and will tell anyone who happens to be talking about or be involved with motor vehicles.

Invariably, he'll be the type that'll barrel through red lights, tailgate anyone going slower than him and generally be a menace on the roads. 

[chodweaver]

15 minutes ago, Lord Sterling said:

Transit Tommy

Tommy lad is some nondescript self-employed something or other where a van is required. He seems to make a good life as he lives in a large 4-bedroomed new-build with a newish white BMW 218d on the driveway next to his beloved new Ford Transit. 

The Transit is adorned with some dealer-fit custom bodykit, big black wheels and the FORD badge on the front that is usually seen on US Ford Wildtrack trucks (now a UK dealer option)

Tommy thinks he's absolutely on top the world, he thinks he is the worlds best driver and will tell anyone who happens to be talking about or be involved with motor vehicles.

Invariably, he'll be the type that'll barrel through red lights, tailgate anyone going slower than him and generally be a menace on the roads. 

Tommy has had his house clad in some sort of battleship grey spray on stucco, so that it stands out (grotesquely) from the brick built houses either side, and had the front garden grubbed out,  turned into parking and filled with dazzlingly white chippings that, because the job was done on the cheap by his mate Dom, who has a Transit tipper (SOO handy, the tipper) are now migrating out onto the road outside where they now account for 50% of all the windscreen claims on the estate on which Tommy lives. Tommy is (a) totally ignorant (twat) of the cost to others of his shitty choice of driveway material, and doesn't even sweep it off the pavement outside his house, so it is now also a hazard to all the old folks that walk past.

[sierraman]

21 hours ago, lesapandre said:

Ludicrous Linda

Linda is highly strung - always in a panic and shouts she's overworked to anyone who will listen (she's employed in the local quiet cake shop on the counter). Her husband couldn't take the constant dramas and left years ago - so she now pursues her grown-up son at every opportunity. There is the always acrid smell of burning martyr about everything Linda does.

Linda drives a dented white Hyundai i10 about 2015 vintage - it's a gift from her son who got fed up with having to give her lifts all the time before she got the car - she was always missing her buses.

Linda first learnt to drive in the 1980's and hasn't been behind the wheel of a car since - until the Hyundai. She's fierce on the brakes, reluctant to pull out and spends most of her time on the road in an absolute panic.  There is no traffic situation that can't be made worse because Ludicrous Linda and the Hyundai are involved.

She recently came back from an ill-considered foreign holiday with her friend Marge - Jose the man they met on holiday at the hotel came back with her - and now she can't get him out of her flat - the customers in the cake shop hear about nothing else the days.

The situation hasn't improved Linda's driving much either.

Linda sounds like one of these that works in a really basic job like in Card Factory 16 hours a week, but actually does does about 40 hours a week, 24 of them unpaid just to help out. Makes a fucking meal out of everything, you’d think she was the CEO of Credit Suisse the way she goes on about it. Ultimately gets sacked when the till gets balanced and it’s £14.10 short. They spend 16 hours straight looking for it and it transpires she gave authorisation for one of the other lasses that work there to get some sandwiches from Greggs then they didn’t reconcile it before the stock take. 

[Lord Sterling]

Mr & Mrs Sod's Law

No one understands these people, no one. There are and have been scientific studies on these species, but absolutely no one can find why these species exist.

These species seem to be parents or at least some kind of relatives of Matt & Amy Dweller. 

Picture this: it's a Wednesday night/early Thursday morning, anywhere between 11pm and 3am. Your travelling back from a big trip or going home early from your night shift. Your route takes you through a short cut country route, a couple of junctions and roundabouts. At, at least one junction, you'll meet Mr/Mrs Sod's Law bimbling along in their Hyundai i10/Ford Fiesta/or other forgetful motor vehicles taking priority on the road. Why they need to be there at exactly the same time as you is anyone's guess.

[EyesWeldedShut]

Caravan Charlie.

Charlie is a sexagenarian (fnarr, fnarr) with a 28 footer and a Kia Sorento (2WD 'cos tight) that he bought with a lump out of his pension fund. Both are a blinding white in colour as is his wife's (Doris) hair. 
Together with their fur baby - a ginger cockerupperpoo called Daisy - they spend their summers, a week at a time, on various Caravan and Camping Club sites throughout the UK. Doris knits and watches internet porn, Charlie tinkers with minor major jobs on the outfit and bores anybody in earshot as to the importance of things like making sure your WindyUppySpondulaciousThingies are all parallel. Frequently they are amazed that they have a C&C site all to themselves after the first day.

Between sites Charlie drives his 'rig' (as he calls it) bang on 3 mph under the speed limit with the offside caravan wheel an exact 75mm off the centre line - that way he does not drop a nearside wheel into a drain cover and topple Doris's dried flower arrangements off the table in the 'van. For the same reason he will take corners wide on the inside, slowly, before hoofing it rapidly back up to the speed limit as soon as the 'rig' is straight.

This causes minor consternation amongst those trapped behind him on A roads at 47 mph for interminable ages until, to preserve their sanity, they either stop for a piss/cuppa/rant or try out a dodgy overtake manoeuvre last seen in a 1979 episode of The Sweeney.

Charlie, of course, will tut at such behaviour when he sees it. He'll also tap the 'wanker overtake save' button his dashcam for later uploading to WankerOvertakeOutragePorn on You Tube when he reaches his next C&C site. He once almost won the coveted ' Nabbed Knob of The Day' award from WOOP but was narrowly beaten by Dashcam Bob (see above). 

 

[sierraman]

1 minute ago, EyesWeldedShut said:

Caravan Charlie.

Charlie is a sexagenarian (fnarr, fnarr) with a 28 footer and a Kia Sorento (2WD 'cos tight) that he bought with a lump out of his pension fund. Both are a blinding white in colour as is his wife's (Doris) hair. 
Together with their fur baby - a ginger cockerupperpoo called Daisy - they spend their summers, a week at a time, on various Caravan and Camping Club sites throughout the UK. Doris knits and watches internet porn, Charlie tinkers with minor major jobs on the outfit and bores anybody in earshot as to the importance of things like making sure your WindyUppySpondulaciousThingies are all parallel. Frequently they are amazed that they have a C&C site all to themselves after the first day.

Between sites Charlie drives his 'rig' (as he calls it) bang on 3 mph under the speed limit with the offside caravan wheel an exact 75mm off the centre line - that way he does not drop a nearside wheel into a drain cover and topple Doris's dried flower arrangements off the table in the 'van. For the same reason he will take corners wide on the inside, slowly, before hoofing it rapidly back up to the speed limit as soon as the 'rig' is straight.

This causes minor consternation amongst those trapped behind him on A roads at 47 mph for interminable ages until, to preserve their sanity, they either stop for a piss/cuppa/rant or try out a dodgy overtake manoeuvre last seen in a 1979 episode of The Sweeney.

Charlie, of course, will tut at such behaviour when he sees it. He'll also tap the 'wanker overtake save' button his dashcam for later uploading to WankerOvertakeOutragePorn on You Tube when he reaches his next C&C site. He once almost won the coveted ' Nabbed Knob of The Day' award from WOOP but was narrowly beaten by Dashcam Bob (see above). 

 

He gets a Motormover for his 65th birthday. But breaks it trying to back the caravan up a 1/3. 

[EyesWeldedShut]

Just now, sierraman said:

He gets a Motormover for his 65th birthday. But breaks it trying to back the caravan up a 1/3. 

How did you know I wanted a motor mover for my birthday?

 

[New POD]

Edward.

Farmer Ted is 97. He's owned and worked on his family's farm for 84 years since he left school. 

The farm was put into a (not for profit charitable) trust after his son's became old enough to help run it.  They are employees of the trust as are his grandchildren and great grand children. Any family member who works on the farm gets a house to live in. It is a big farm. Half of Cheshire and Most of Staffordshire. And a bit of the Yorkshire Dales near Settle. How it got so big nobody knows apart from Edward. 

Edward has only ever driven a Tractor.  Since he retired he lives near Malham, and travels to Settle by Tractor. This Tractor can best be described as a 1950s special. It has a homemade cab. He parks it in the street, leaves the engine running (there are no keys) with the engine chugging away at 1500 Rpm belching smoke up the exhaust stack. 

Ted has cataracts, and lost his glasses 25 years ago. No matter, he can make out shapes in the distance. 

Ted is normally pissed.  He once got arrested for dangerous driving, but somehow the copper involved was demoted and moved to Bradford to police the peace line between the racial tension that comes from that sort of place.  What Ted knows about Senior people in government can only be imagined. 

But today, he's taken a sheep to the pub. 

[sierraman]

5 minutes ago, New POD said:

Edward.

Farmer Ted is 97. He's owned and worked on his family's farm for 84 years since he left school. 

The farm was put into a (not for profit charitable) trust after his son's became old enough to help run it.  They are employees of the trust as are his grandchildren and great grand children. Any family member who works on the farm gets a house to live in. It is a big farm. Half of Cheshire and Most of Staffordshire. And a bit of the Yorkshire Dales near Settle. How it got so big nobody knows apart from Edward. 

Edward has only ever driven a Tractor.  Since he retired he lives near Malham, and travels to Settle by Tractor. This Tractor can best be described as a 1950s special. It has a homemade cab. He parks it in the street, leaves the engine running (there are no keys) with the engine chugging away at 1500 Rpm belching smoke up the exhaust stack. 

Ted has cataracts, and lost his glasses 25 years ago. No matter, he can make out shapes in the distance. 

Ted is normally pissed.  He once got arrested for dangerous driving, but somehow the copper involved was demoted and moved to Bradford to police the peace line between the racial tension that comes from that sort of place.  What Ted knows about Senior people in government can only be imagined. 

But today, he's taken a sheep to the pub. 

I don’t know why but I’ve got that joke in my head about Ted Moult. 

[Lord Sterling]

Ian/Imtiaz Impatients

Ian/Imtiaz will invariably be driving a tricked out late-plate Mercedes C-Class/BMW 3er/Audi Something or other with black-put lights and windows. 

They're always seen barreling through red lights, travelling on the opposite sode of the road, going the wrong way down one-way streets or crossing over grass verges as to not get caught up in traffic. The laws of the road and road etiquette are treated like a mere suggestions.

They're not running from anything, they just think they are. They live in a world of perpetual GTA-ness and every journey seems like a points-scoring time trial.

At some point, Ian/Imtiaz will run out of talent and crash into some bollards/tree/fence/hedge or a ditch. They'll survive, as they often do and look around their crumpled box that was a car and wonder how it happened.

[dazzer]

On 30/06/2026 at 11:47, quicksilver said:

Mrs Panic. Usually a middle-aged woman driving a supermini of some sort. She sees an emergency vehicle on blues and twos coming up fast behind her and decides the best course of action is to stop dead in the middle of the road. It doesn't matter that there's traffic coming the other way so she's blocked its path completely, she'll make it stop and wait to get around her. She genuinely thinks this is the right thing to do and is far better than carrying on driving to a safe stopping place as she's somehow got it into her head that it's illegal to hold up an emergency vehicle and you need to stop and let it pass immediately.

Or headphones on and then they try to overtake you as you pull up for the emergency vehicle 

[Pieman]

/\ They'll survive, but any passengers won't, as always happens.

[Metal Guru]

On 30/06/2026 at 12:06, martc said:

Or Mr Doubleplus Don't Panic Road Captain who sees an an emergency vehicle on blues and twos coming up fast TOWARDS him on the OPPOSITE SIDE of the road and decides the best course of action is to stop dead in the middle of the road.

And then flicks the vees at you when you have to pull up sharp behind him and  sound your horn in response to his ridiculous behaviour.

(this happened to me a few weeks ago (and several further times in the past), could also go in the poor driving thread).

The current Mrs martc used to travel in ambulances a lot (as an emergency midwife) and one thing that the drivers hated was people just stopping, they'd rather you carry on in front and perhaps pull in at a point were neither you nor the ambulance are put in danger.

Had this today twice, same car within a mile. 
First we’re heading along a residential road (20mph). Ambulance coming the other way, no obstructions or parked cars anywhere. Stops dead. Does nothing to help the ambulance but luckily I was paying attention and didn’t rear end him.

Less than a mile later (after he’s pulled on to a roundabout oblivious to any other traffic), on a main road in town (30), a police car is also coming the other way, only there’s a van in front of him. I think about stopping but calculate I’d get out the way better by keeping going, only for our  him to stop dead again. So now we’ve got two cars impeding the police car. 
I think stop dead has become the default action for so many because it’s easier than thinking, which seems to apply to most of modern life these days.

[dazzer]

7 hours ago, Lord Sterling said:

Dashcam Pam/Bob

The Dashcammer is either a middle aged Bob or Pam.

They drive a nondescript 3-pot car, usually something like a Peugeot 107/Toyota Aygo or other. 

They see themselves as the absolute gold-standard of drivers. Everything they do, they think they are the best at it.

Yet, they can't control their ego/entitlement, any incedent sees them drive into dabger just to make a point and then try and convince everyone else around them that they were in the right.

For example, vehicle may overtake them on a long straight road legally and safely if going a tad faster than the l speed limit or take the chance and pull out safely from a minor sode road without inconveniencing anyone. Bob/Pam will almost certainly look to reprimand said driver by blaring their horn/flashing their lights and shouting abuse.

If ever they were to see someone cutting into their lane (a good few yards away) or nipping out onto the roundabout before they could even reach the junction, they'll stop dead in the middle of the road, or better still, drive into the danger zone and end up crumpling their wing/door and causing damage to the other vehicle.

With that, they'll happily send off their footage to some Dashcam UK channel on YouTube believing that they are in the right. 

Invariably, they'll get torn apart in the comments section and in some extreme circumstances have their footage sent to the Police for assessment. If an accident has occured, they'll be absolutely shocked and outraged that the insurance company has found in favour of the other driver, simply because they weren't looking ahead and taking avoiding action. They may even get a review from a large ginger bearded Geordie bloke from Newcastle on their insurance claim.

Get this on the A5 going to north Wales , 40mph in a national speed limit and then 40mph in the 30s oblivious to the fact its changed . And if you do get past them god forbid you let them catch up again.  

[quicksilver]

Just witnessed an interesting variant of Mrs Panic this morning. Truck in the outside lane with an ambulance behind it. Car in the inside lane wasn't in the way and didn't need to stop but did anyway, right where the truck was about to move over and let the ambulance go by. Their instinct obviously just tells them to stop immediately if there's an emergency vehicle anywhere nearby.

[Imhotep]

We may have had this one:

‘Small time drug dealer’

Seen only wearing a massive jacket no matter what the weather is, their wheels of choice are usually an utterly shagged VW Golf V, Ford Fiesta mk7 or an E90 BMW 320d.

This is a step up from the stolen Carrera E-Bike they were using until the police confiscated it. The car will be utterly hanging, it’ll have no tax, insurance, or test. And you’ll usually see it picking people up from one end of the cul-de-sac and dropping them off at the other end, thinking they’re so inconspicuous, but in reality we all know exactly what they’re up to. 
 

This car will never be registered, and one day they’ll leave their flat and find the DVLA have clamped it for no tax. If that doesn’t happen it’ll end up wrapped around a tree when they try to flee police and they find out tyres with tread on is important.

Six months later (when they’re finally off that pesky tag), they’re back at it with another utterly hanging car.  

[Mr Livered]

31 minutes ago, Imhotep said:

you’ll usually see it picking people up from one end of the cul-de-sac and dropping them off at the other end, thinking they’re so inconspicuous, but in reality we all know exactly what they’re up to. 

I thought my local scallies must be exceptionally daft but maybe that tactic is actually widespread and they're equally dimwitted wherever you go.

[Imhotep]

32 minutes ago, Mr Livered said:

I thought my local scallies must be exceptionally daft but maybe that tactic is actually widespread and they're equally dimwitted wherever you go.

lol, no it’s everywhere. I’ve just this minute seen it happen outside my place. 

[Volksy]

6 hours ago, Lord Sterling said:

Ian/Imtiaz Impatients

Ian/Imtiaz will invariably be driving a tricked out late-plate Mercedes C-Class/BMW 3er/Audi Something or other with black-put lights and windows. 

They're always seen barreling through red lights, travelling on the opposite sode of the road, going the wrong way down one-way streets or crossing over grass verges as to not get caught up in traffic. The laws of the road and road etiquette are treated like a mere suggestions.

They're not running from anything, they just think they are. They live in a world of perpetual GTA-ness and every journey seems like a points-scoring time trial.

At some point, Ian/Imtiaz will run out of talent and crash into some bollards/tree/fence/hedge or a ditch. They'll survive, as they often do and look around their crumpled box that was a car and wonder how it happened.

See also: Seat Leon/Ibiza FR, shagged out 1 Series or battered Audi S3 

As I live on the outskirts of Bradfud these types are every where. Myself and my mate used to lay bets on how long it would take from entering a BD postcode, to being cut up/near miss/overtaken by one.

Normally not more that 4 mins.......

 

[sheffcortinacentre]

10 hours ago, EyesWeldedShut said:

How did you know I wanted a motor mover for my birthday?

 

He's psychiatric 

[lesapandre]

Coneman the Rotarian

Coneman aka Roger the Rotarian lives in a big but very pretty village outside a larger town. He's quite well know in the area and is a big-wig at the Rotary Club and with other good causes. If there is an event to run you can be sure Roger is there bustling about - at Christmas he even gets dressed up as Santa and rides the charity float.

Roger has that nice house on the gravelly lane that leads down to the common - was an old farmhouse but now it's like a small country house. Roger keeps the garden immaculate helped by his wife Madge.

Trouble is people wanting to walk on the  common and those with dogs especially like to park in the lane outside Rogers house - and Roger doesn't like that - he thinks the lane is private even though the council don't agree. 

So he spends a lot of his summers putting out cones in the lane, leaving notes under windscreens and generally being unpleasant to walkers. Roger's a big man and can be quite intimidating sometimes.

Evenings people get up to other things in their cars at the end of the lane right by the common - Roger doesn't think that's right either and the comings-and goings disturb his evenings. 

So he's taken to going down after dark - suddenly shining his torch and peering in car windows and tapping on the glass to make people move. Sometimes he even wears the Santa outfit as a joke.

Trouble is  - one evening he surprised a woman who'd stopped to quietly breastfeed her baby.

Now Roger has a criminal conviction, a suspended sentence in fact - and Madge has left him (she'd waited years for an excuse).

So these days he doesn't attend Rotary events - it's more likely a microwave dinner in front of the TV.

He occasionally sees the woman who made the complaint parking in the lane - she's called Sandra - with the baby called Jessica who is now five - when she takes the child for a walk.

But he certainly no longer puts cones out.

[sierraman]

David is 59, he did have a full time job but he was a nuisance about knowing his rights so he now works part time at Morrisons. He drives a 2001 Honda Civic, it’s battered and it’s been to the moon and back however after being radicalised by watching Scottish Car Tribes videos he is convinced if he bought anything newer he would absolutely be a) ripped off and b) it would explode about thirty seconds after purchasing it, possibly killing a few people that were in the zone at the time. He is known throughout the district at MOT centres because again he’s convinced they’re all out to rip him off so he watches them like a hawk when they find things like badly perished 17 year old Michelins that he clings onto for dear life and his repairs to the brakes with claw fulls of copaslip on the pads he got from the breakers that were ‘almost like new’.

In the evenings he trawls motoring forums with warnings about wet belts and wittily pointing out ‘Ecoboom’ when ever someone mentions their new Fiesta. Hes not 100% sure what a wet belt is however. Trouble is ahead however as the Civic is now needing a 4ft long patch welding in the sill which David is convinced is due the the MOT tester damaging his sill. 

[chodweaver]

On 01/07/2026 at 16:47, Mr Livered said:

I thought my local scallies must be exceptionally daft but maybe that tactic is actually widespread and they're equally dimwitted wherever you go.

Or the scallies' County lines have reached your neighbourhood.

[Lord Sterling]

Elliot E-Scooter

Elliot is somewhere between 15 and 19. He is immortally stuck in a world where believes he is 50 cent and living a life of "get rich or die tryin" except, he isn't a 50 lbs Black rapper from the US, he is a skinny white fry of a kid from some city in England.

Elliot comes from a painfully normal and dull family, Dad works in industry, Mum works as a part time cleaner/carer.

In the day, at home, he is just 'Elliot'but at night, he E-Boy hanging with 'tHA WEstSidaz KReW' in Dullingham.

He wears black be it cold or 'weather warning' hot. He is often seen donning a black puffa jacket and some sort of headgear. 

Invariably, he rides an e-scooter because, its better than walking and provides a quick way to get away from the police (who are not interested in him). He rides like an absolute loon, in his tiny mind, he is some cool mysterious character starring in his own docusoap. To everyone else, he another pne of those teenage lemmings wearing black clothing and riding e-scooters like a loon, probably on the prowl for an unsuspecting mobile phone.

If the police do take an interest, as in, they just want a 'chatting see what these random looking youths are up to, Elliot will rode away trying to evade the police like he is in level of GTA 5. More often than not, he'll hit a kerb and take a pratfall landing his spotty boat-race onto the cold hard pavement of life and end up crying for his Mum.