Jump to content

Tropes you see on the road


sierraman

Recommended Posts

7 hours ago, warch said:

One of my first memories is of a special treat for me and my brother when I was 3 or 4 and my brother was 2 or 3. My Mum and Dad both worked so we went to stay with a local farmer's wife during the day, and as it was a nice day she'd got a paddling pool for us to play in. I was a bit slower than my brother to get my trunks on so he was already in the pool when I came out. I almost got in before I realised he had company. It was huge, how he'd managed to contain that beforehand was and is still beyond me

I don’t think I could go down a water slide after watching the Inbetweeners 2 movie.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Mr 'One life, live it'.  Extolls the virtues of LandRovers. Spends almost  every waking hour welding/repairing/rewiring his shit-tip Discovery. Big winch on the front bumper for 'recovering shit Japanese 4x4s' but actually used to drag his own car out of 3 inches of water. 22" wheels with ridiculous knobbly tyres. Drives and handles as well as riding a Hungdo Quim Trim 49cc scooter off the top of Niagara Falls with a spunk stained mattress strapped to your back. Just like Mr V DubBore will tire your bollocks off in front of your eyes  as he tells you how great 'Landys' are.  Wears camo trousers and a reflective mud stained jacket year round. Desperate to pull someone's broken down car back from the Co-op so he can dazzle half of Europe with the wanky lightbar cable tied to the grille, so he can post it all over the internet.  When driving on the road it sounds like a swarm of thousands of hungry bees and a tank that's about to explode at the same time. Has another  half stripped Discovery and fifteen broken gearboxes in his front garden.  Uses £300's worth of diesel driving to his job working nights as a security guard watching Gilf videos on PornHub, instead of watching the monitors in the yard. Offers to help looking for missing goldfish with his mates from the off-road club. Posts 10 years old memes from Britain First and believes everything they say.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Can’t off hand think of a name for them but they’re usually piloting something really humdrum like a BMW 320 that’s been badly modified. They’ll drive about like an absolute loon but the excuse for this and it incessantly revving up will be that it’s a performance thoroughbred and that’s how it’s set up, like it’s a fucking Porsche 910 Can-Am that won’t idle until it’s hot and is lumpy below 8,000 rpm. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The player or wannabe.

Normally called Gavin or Darren and is an an “account executive”. Well he works in a call centre telling pensioners to change energy suppliers. He has been 29 for the past eight years.

If he stumbled upon Autoshite , he would love the “Low cost , big liability thread”, as that’s what he’s drawn to , either a nice AMG Merc or a Range Rover, in black with unfeasibly tinted windows ( it was previously owned by a drug dealer). Starship mileage and Chinese death rings on 22in blingy wheel of a make no one has heard of but secretly makes F1 wheels.

Got it for a steal , “they were dealing with a pro negotiator , didn’t know what hit ‘em. I could show that wanker Brewer a few tricks” In reality he was intimidated by said drug dealer and paid the full asking price. Still he’s convinced his £10k was an “investment” , modern classic, price can only go up, be worth £25k next year. 

Has a personal plate ( possibly GAV 111 X, with suitably positioned black screw, or maybe an Irish plate DAZ 1966, football fan not seeing the irony of putting it on Stuttgart’s finest.)

Dresses from head to toe in fake designer gear mostly direct from Paul Smith ( his mate with a market stall that is who still sews in his own labels despite the injunctions.)

He occasionally turns out for “the Reds”, the Red Lion pub that is , not Liverpool or Man Utd, but would have been a pro but unspecified  injuries.

Lives in a 1 bed flat ( or possibly still with his mum), having been kicked out by his wife for shagging an 18yo hairdresser behind the pub at  Christmas 2015. Thinks his car will help him pull but in reality , they just laugh.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 28/10/2023 at 10:37, Cavcraft said:

Mr 'One life, live it'.  Extolls the virtues of LandRovers. Spends almost  every waking hour welding/repairing/rewiring his shit-tip Discovery. Big winch on the front bumper for 'recovering shit Japanese 4x4s' but actually used to drag his own car out of 3 inches of water. 22" wheels with ridiculous knobbly tyres. Drives and handles as well as riding a Hungdo Quim Trim 49cc scooter off the top of Niagara Falls with a spunk stained mattress strapped to your back. Just like Mr V DubBore will tire your bollocks off in front of your eyes  as he tells you how great 'Landys' are.  Wears camo trousers and a reflective mud stained jacket year round. Desperate to pull someone's broken down car back from the Co-op so he can dazzle half of Europe with the wanky lightbar cable tied to the grille, so he can post it all over the internet.  When driving on the road it sounds like a swarm of thousands of hungry bees and a tank that's about to explode at the same time. Has another  half stripped Discovery and fifteen broken gearboxes in his front garden.  Uses £300's worth of diesel driving to his job working nights as a security guard watching Gilf videos on PornHub, instead of watching the monitors in the yard. Offers to help looking for missing goldfish with his mates from the off-road club. Posts 10 years old memes from Britain First and believes everything they say.

I’ve just come in from a morning spent in the rain, cleaning and packing electrical connectors with grease on the Discovery 3 after the splash from a puddle caused it to break down last weekend 🤣

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 28/10/2023 at 10:37, Cavcraft said:

Mr 'One life, live it'.  Extolls the virtues of LandRovers. Spends almost  every waking hour welding/repairing/rewiring his shit-tip Discovery. Big winch on the front bumper for 'recovering shit Japanese 4x4s' but actually used to drag his own car out of 3 inches of water. 22" wheels with ridiculous knobbly tyres. Drives and handles as well as riding a Hungdo Quim Trim 49cc scooter off the top of Niagara Falls with a spunk stained mattress strapped to your back. Just like Mr V DubBore will tire your bollocks off in front of your eyes  as he tells you how great 'Landys' are.  Wears camo trousers and a reflective mud stained jacket year round. Desperate to pull someone's broken down car back from the Co-op so he can dazzle half of Europe with the wanky lightbar cable tied to the grille, so he can post it all over the internet.  When driving on the road it sounds like a swarm of thousands of hungry bees and a tank that's about to explode at the same time. Has another  half stripped Discovery and fifteen broken gearboxes in his front garden.  Uses £300's worth of diesel driving to his job working nights as a security guard watching Gilf videos on PornHub, instead of watching the monitors in the yard. Offers to help looking for missing goldfish with his mates from the off-road club. Posts 10 years old memes from Britain First and believes everything they say.

Tailgated by one of these this morning. There’s some minor flooding round here so I guess he was out looking to rescue* people.

Driver wears his hood up all the time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 28/10/2023 at 10:37, Cavcraft said:

Mr 'One life, live it'

I saw this exact person yesterday, being towed by another similar Discovery (on a stupidly long orange strop). Later encountered him in a car park yapping loudly and proudly into his phone that he had “broked the diff”. 
A ten year old lad in the car was cringeing with embarrasment.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Toni - mid thirties, three kids to three different dads, extremely thin due to an addiction to amphet. Has a Golf Mk6 in silver with badly painted alloys done in black, ‘bangin choons’ blasting out, Niche Classixs multi CD in the glovebox. No MOT or tax. Wears a dressing gown on school run, describes herself on Facebook as ‘full time mummy’ between issuing veiled threats to people she feels have crossed her. Uses loads of chavvy phrases like ‘mint’. Never cuts the grass and leaves crap strewn all over the garden. 
 

Entitled Tradesman - late forties, 20 plate Transit Custom in Racing Blue, it’s absolutely immaculate. He demands priority on any given road as he’s on the way to a well paid shout, probably a plumbing contract doing some student flats charging them £300 for 10 minutes work and a 3p O-ring. Usually in the pub from 3pm drinking Peroni or similar premium lager. Constantly at ends to tell you how he probably earns as much in a month as you do in a year. Has the wife as secretary on his limited company. Goes with other plumbers once a year to Benidorm on a beano. His time is extremely valuable, yours isn’t, so you must give priority. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The "that's not your car is it".

Any situation where a bloke of at least 5'10" (or, ideally, 6'4" and 18stone) is squashed into a Fiat 500 / Panda / Vauxhall Adam / Bini or similar and looking highly embarrassed about driving it.  Bonus points if the car is pink, has "powered by fairy dust" stickers on the rear window, or any other exceptionally girly aftermarket bits stuck to it.  Radio is off just in case "Barbie Girl" blares out of it at 122dB.
Never makes eye contact.  Drives completely within the law and tries not to draw too much attention to themselves.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

When I was about ten years old, my family went boating on Windermere with another family who were good friends of ours. There was a daughter who was a year or two older than me.  She needed the toilet.

 

"Dad, I really need the toilet."

"Well, you're in your bathing costume and we're in the middle of the lake. Just get in the water and do it there."

 

Treading water, a massive shit just suddenly popped up beside her. Obviously we had thought she needed a wee

Link to comment
Share on other sites

"Young girl who does not like driving"

Typically a small, french, fairly modern, which is, being generous, fucked. Filthy. Dented badly on at least 3 sides, has probably had the spacesaver on for several months. If it has wheeltrims, a maximum of 1 remains, though often this is about 2/3 of a trim grimly hanging on. Engine sounds like a skeleton wanking in a dustbin (petrol)  or smokes like a french grandfather (diesel). Interior looks like a dustbin. Usually found parked outside a 7 bed HMO near a university. Car's appearance belies the fact the owner is usually quite attractive and well turned out.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

25 minutes ago, riek said:

"Young girl who does not like driving"

Typically a small, french, fairly modern, which is, being generous, fucked. Filthy. Dented badly on at least 3 sides, has probably had the spacesaver on for several months. If it has wheeltrims, a maximum of 1 remains, though often this is about 2/3 of a trim grimly hanging on. Engine sounds like a skeleton wanking in a dustbin (petrol)  or smokes like a french grandfather (diesel). Interior looks like a dustbin. Usually found parked outside a 7 bed HMO near a university. Car's appearance belies the fact the owner is usually quite attractive and well turned out.

 

You know the female offspring of this household it seems?
You forgot to mention:
Unable to parallel park.
Also unable to reverse without camera assistance.
Front tyres always missmatched as the beast keeps kerbing itself unilateraly. 
Apple CarPlay at volume 11, kicks in on Bluetooth even before the glowplug check. Ideal as you never hear the death rattle from the engine.  Masks other untoward noises such as brake pad platten grinding disc to atoms.   
Nobody else allowed to drive it as it's 'mine'. 
Never gets any sort of mechanical TLC until it implodes.
Then it's my fault?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 4 weeks later...
On 07/10/2023 at 17:42, Metal Guru said:

£100k tractor with more lights than Wembley stadium and Blackpool put together, towing 50 year old trailer held together with string and rusty nails. No lights or indicators ,( obviously can’t afford any), holding up 20+ cars on fast A road. 
Pulls across into hidden gateway just as someone goes to overtake. 

I was about to post this then Inthought maybe someone already had.

You missed out incorrect numberplate on the trailer for the tractor hauling it, and the trailer often skips down the road when unladen.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, richardmorris said:

I was in Slough today, and saw several examples of the twin cab navarra driver who needs it for work, but doesn’t do any. Must be doing huge drug deals to need the pickup.

Love it when people say they or their mate have a big pickup then show you a "nivarna or animal" I say nah my F350 was a big pickup or mates  C20 crewcab is. Usually accompanied by a confused look.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

The “Isn’t an MoT a service?”.

Normally a newer car, but sometimes something pushing 25 years or older. Invariably has missing bits of trim, a bit of dangling exhaust and a number of failed lamps/lights. Unaware that the remedial work to get their car roadworthy* for another year doesn’t  include an oil or filters change, despite this normally being quite a few hundred pounds.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...
On 04/10/2023 at 23:27, quicksilver said:

Old money. Drive an utterly immaculate mid-spec Mercedes they bought new over 30 years ago with a short pre-suffix plate that's been on every one of their cars since it was issued in the 1950s and is worth more than the car but they won't sell because of the sentimental value. It's always garaged, has done a pretty low mileage and is maintained regardless of cost by the main dealer who originally supplied it.

And here's a great example. Diesel is a bit unusual though as old money types don't normally concern themselves with fuel bills.

7SXT.thumb.jpg.aa015cbe4875d78f4d3bb4cc6515bd97.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 21/01/2024 at 18:28, dozeydustman said:

The “Isn’t an MoT a service?”.

Normally a newer car, but sometimes something pushing 25 years or older. Invariably has missing bits of trim, a bit of dangling exhaust and a number of failed lamps/lights. Unaware that the remedial work to get their car roadworthy* for another year doesn’t  include an oil or filters change, despite this normally being quite a few hundred pounds.

Daughter Squirrel fell into this category for a while. 🙄

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...