Tropes you see on the road

[Aston Martin]

On 10/10/2023 at 08:28, rusty_vw_man said:

How about ‘the alternative’ driver.

Their car is a wacky* extension of their personality* - think brightly coloured Citroen Cactus, a Nissan Cube or similar automotive follies. 

 

[egg]

On 10/10/2023 at 13:43, dozeydustman said:

She is morbidly obese, wears elasticated waist skirts and horrible nylon t-shirts without a bra. May also be seen wearing a velour tracksuit and one of those clowns on a 9ct gold chain from Argos. Again unwashed and unkempt

Has various ailments that mean she attends the GP weekly in her dressing gown and pink slider crocs.

[rusty_vw_man]

1 hour ago, Aston Martin said:

 

Whoops, I obviously didn’t mean those that have a love for lurid coloured Pandas! 

[Aston Martin]

5 minutes ago, rusty_vw_man said:

Whoops, I obviously didn’t mean those that have a love for lurid coloured Pandas! 

 

[Metal Guru]

Anyone going to admit any of these tropes is them?

[Dobloseven]

Mondeo man 2.0

Tony Blairs aspirational voter has handed in his keys and now drives an A3 bought with part of his pension lump sum. But this fellow now carries the flag for Fords finest,with his dog eared Mk 4.He hasn't worked for many years, initially because "them foreigners took all the jobs". Latterly because he weighs 26 stone and gets out of breath having a crap. He likes his Mondeo because a big bloke needs a big motor. And because his brother in law with a garage let him have it cheap "cos it needed a few bits doing on it". He permanently wears a grey track suit covered in stains of dubious origin,the marbled flesh of his belly escaping between the two garments. He could use his mobility allowance towards"one of them new Hyundais", but prefers to spend it on fags, booze and scratch cards from Mr Patels Corner Shop and Off Licence.It'd be cheaper for him to go to the local Tesco, but some of the disabled spaces are 30 feet from the entrance,whereas he can park on the double yellows outside Mr Patels. Leaving the engine running because the battery's about had it. However his mate is scrapping his Micra and he's going to have the one out of that. They're both 12 volt so it'll fit. He likes Mr Patel, he's "not like the rest of'em". Mr P also extends a very limited line of credit, ie. "give it to me when you're next in". They have a strange, mutally beneficial relationship.Mr Patel came over from Africa in the 70s as a young man with a business degree, full of hope for a new beginning. As an old man now, with no one to take over the shop, his children are all professionals, he wonders for the future. He drives an ancient Toyota Lite Ace to the Cash and Carry, leaving Mrs P in charge of the shop. He lives in a nice house in the suburbs, renting out the flat over the shop. He's also got an elderly but very tidy E Class he keeps for high days and holidays. 

[Metal Guru]

22 minutes ago, Dobloseven said:

Mondeo man 2.0

Tony Blairs aspirational voter has handed in his keys and now drives an A3 bought with part of his pension lump sum. But this fellow now carries the flag for Fords finest,with his dog eared Mk 4.He hasn't worked for many years, initially because "them foreigners took all the jobs". Latterly because he weighs 26 stone and gets out of breath having a crap. He likes his Mondeo because a big bloke needs a big motor. And because his brother in law with a garage let him have it cheap "cos it needed a few bits doing on it". He permanently wears a grey track suit covered in stains of dubious origin,the marbled flesh of his belly escaping between the two garments. He could use his mobility allowance towards"one of them new Hyundais", but prefers to spend it on fags, booze and scratch cards from Mr Patels Corner Shop and Off Licence.It'd be cheaper for him to go to the local Tesco, but some of the disabled spaces are 30 feet from the entrance,whereas he can park on the double yellows outside Mr Patels. Leaving the engine running because the battery's about had it. However his mate is scrapping his Micra and he's going to have the one out of that. They're both 12 volt so it'll fit. He likes Mr Patel, he's "not like the rest of'em". Mr P also extends a very limited line of credit, ie. "give it to me when you're next in". They have a strange, mutally beneficial relationship.Mr Patel came over from Africa in the 70s as a young man with a business degree, full of hope for a new beginning. As an old man now, with no one to take over the shop, his children are all professionals, he wonders for the future. He drives an ancient Toyota Lite Ace to the Cash and Carry, leaving Mrs P in charge of the shop. He lives in a nice house in the suburbs, renting out the flat over the shop. He's also got an elderly but very tidy E Class he keeps for high days and holidays. 

That’s a synopsis for a new sitcom.

[Dobloseven]

7 minutes ago, Metal Guru said:

That’s a synopsis for a new sitcom.

Sadly, judging by some recent stuff, it probably could well be! Like Tony Blair, I actually saw my MM the other day, outside the chemist, blocking the road where he was presumably picking up the prescription for his latest ailment. I've bent the truth a bit, as he was really squeezing himself into a Mk3 ST220 lookalikey. Why, oh why didn't Ford call the diesel version the STD........ 

[stuboy]

39 minutes ago, Dobloseven said:

Mondeo man 2.0

Tony Blairs aspirational voter has handed in his keys and now drives an A3 bought with part of his pension lump sum. But this fellow now carries the flag for Fords finest,with his dog eared Mk 4.He hasn't worked for many years, initially because "them foreigners took all the jobs". Latterly because he weighs 26 stone and gets out of breath having a crap. He likes his Mondeo because a big bloke needs a big motor. And because his brother in law with a garage let him have it cheap "cos it needed a few bits doing on it". He permanently wears a grey track suit covered in stains of dubious origin,the marbled flesh of his belly escaping between the two garments. He could use his mobility allowance towards"one of them new Hyundais", but prefers to spend it on fags, booze and scratch cards from Mr Patels Corner Shop and Off Licence.It'd be cheaper for him to go to the local Tesco, but some of the disabled spaces are 30 feet from the entrance,whereas he can park on the double yellows outside Mr Patels. Leaving the engine running because the battery's about had it. However his mate is scrapping his Micra and he's going to have the one out of that. They're both 12 volt so it'll fit. He likes Mr Patel, he's "not like the rest of'em". Mr P also extends a very limited line of credit, ie. "give it to me when you're next in". They have a strange, mutally beneficial relationship.Mr Patel came over from Africa in the 70s as a young man with a business degree, full of hope for a new beginning. As an old man now, with no one to take over the shop, his children are all professionals, he wonders for the future. He drives an ancient Toyota Lite Ace to the Cash and Carry, leaving Mrs P in charge of the shop. He lives in a nice house in the suburbs, renting out the flat over the shop. He's also got an elderly but very tidy E Class he keeps for high days and holidays. 

thank god i got a mk3 mondeo

[stuboy]

2 minutes ago, Dobloseven said:

I actually saw my MM the other day, outside the chemist, blocking the road where he was presumably picking up the prescription for his latest ailment. I've bent the truth a bit, as he was really squeezing himself into a Mk3 ST220 lookalikey

shouldve come and said hello...

[Dobloseven]

2 minutes ago, stuboy said:

shouldve come and said hello...

I was in me Zafira and in a hurry to get to the food bank before the bloody foreigners took all the good stuff! 

[JakeT]

I’m going to preface this with I really like people from EE. Salt of the earth, and what they do have will share. To be friends is a badge of honour. I wonder where Aleksander my former colleague is…

 

’The Eastern European’

 

German diesel saloon. Often Passat, maybe sometimes an Audi A4 or BMW 5 series. Has to be a saloon, has to be black. The darkest tints known to man. For some reason, an aftermarket radio with the worst lighting colour scheme possible, playing the worlds worst ballad, or hard bass. Blue LEDs in the interior lights and slide lights, topped with plate lights brighter than the sun. Sometimes on English plates, sometimes on plates from ‘the home country’. Useful for avoiding speeding fines, and the need to have tax or insurance. Lots of trinkets dangling from the mirror, what look like a dream catcher, a flag of the aforementioned home country, and maybe a mini pair of boxing gloves. California scents in the cup holder, and those diamond stitch floor mats. 200,000 miles minimum, showing 88,000 currently.

 

Spotted at factories at leaving time, job sites, and corner shops. DEFINITELY spotted at the port of Dover come July, and crossing the autobahn A2 route at usually 65. Speed does not matter. Fuel economy matters. Repaired only once per year, in the home country. Cheap parts, and cheaper labour.

 

Oksana, Svetlana, Tatiana, or Sonya is in the passenger seat. Fit, but you can’t put your finger on it. Whale-tail thong, and the strongest push up bra known to human-kind. Cooks a brilliant Borsch, or Baklava on birthdays. Can (and will) drink you  under the table.

 

Not driven very quickly, but only at night it seems (usually due to shift patterns), and avoiding the police. Left idling outside a shop, and run on various cheap diesel, maybe cherry if they know someone. Never more than £20 in the tank, unless it’s on the trip home or back.

[quicksilver]

On 11/10/2023 at 16:01, dozeydustman said:

The Highway Maintenance

A flatbed van or 7.5 tonner, usually an Iv*co, with a pedestrian roller on a small dolly trailer behind. Always 3-up, wearing hoodies or really dirty fleece hi-viz, cargo shorts and rigger boots. At least one member of the crew is called ‘Kev’. Nobody in the vehicle wears a seat belt. Because commercial vehicle is exempt m9.

2 weeks’ worth of red top newspapers litter the dash along with a similar amount of empty meal deal sandwich packets, cans of Monster and coffee cups.

The first job of the day is to park on a pump at a petrol stations, purchase no fuel but spend 45 minutes getting a round of Costa coffees in for everyone on site taking up the one working machine, then kicking off because the company rep in the Audi purchased the last chicken and bacon sandwich.

Has two speeds on a dual carriageway - 62mph or 90mph, any 7.5 tonners have a broken* tachograph or speed limiter. Because highway maintenance is exempt m7.

Of the 10 hours they are paid daily, 8 are spent driving about like dickheads, 45 mins as already mentioned above, 30 minutes spent having a fag break on arrival at site and before long it’s time to have another 20 minute fag break and pack up for the day. 15 minutes is the maximum productivity seen on site.

Uses his beacons and hazard flashers liberally to justify 'parking' anywhere on or vaguely near the road (including the fast lane, traffic islands, verges and footpaths) in order to carry out his essential* and urgent* highway maintenance tasks like reading the aforementioned red top newspapers and bantering with/bullying the apprentice.

[stuboy]

31 minutes ago, Dobloseven said:

I was in me Zafira and in a hurry to get to the food bank before the bloody foreigners took all the good stuff! 

with the latest iphone 15.... but need the foodbank

[Asimo]

What car trope is to be associated with those NO2 canisters to be found at the side of every bypass?

[Dobloseven]

6 minutes ago, stuboy said:

with the latest iphone 15.... but need the foodbank

Are you a Conservative candidate? 

[sierraman]

14 minutes ago, Asimo said:

What car trope is to be associated with those NO2 canisters to be found at the side of every bypass?

Skoda Fabia VRS, rolling coal remap, fabric tow strap, bumper held together with cable ties, full of monster tins, owner dressed in black with a baseball hat with one of those padded fronts and a flat brim. 

[Shite Ron]

On 13/10/2023 at 01:52, Metal Guru said:

Anyone going to admit any of these tropes is them?

I think a combination of these are closest to me:

The skinflint.  Usually seen driving an older half-decent car that they bought for peanuts, and oftenmention to people that it's "not bad for £xxx".  Rarely washed, some small minor damage that they can't be arsed sorting out.

Pound shop Sultan of Brunei.

A ‘fleet’ of approx 50 vehicles of which only 1-2 are used regularly. The remainder are in various states of disrepair because they’re on the list to be ‘looked at’
 

I am not up to 50 cars and have more than 2 that are useable, I am actively trying not to buy any more but a combination of the two above are the closest I have seen to me.

[catsinthewelder]

16 minutes ago, Shite Ron said:

I think a combination of these are closest to me:

The skinflint.  Usually seen driving an older half-decent car that they bought for peanuts, and oftenmention to people that it's "not bad for £xxx".  Rarely washed, some small minor damage that they can't be arsed sorting out.

 

Pound shop Sultan of Brunei.

A ‘fleet’ of approx 50 vehicles of which only 1-2 are used regularly. The remainder are in various states of disrepair because they’re on the list to be ‘looked at’
 

I am not up to 50 cars and have more than 2 that are useable, I am actively trying not to buy any more but a combination of the two above are the closest I have seen to me.

Aye, a bit of those 2 alongside.

 

South Shropshire Shiter.

 

Middle aged PSA powered family car being used as a builders/gardeners van.

 

Would include @Scruffy Bodger's 405 ,Dodgy Toms 306 and my Focus.  Fairly well looked after in many ways but almost always seen with a lot of tools in the back and often a roof rack or trailer full of stuff too.  Traveling between small jobs for little old ladies who make us stop for tea and cake.

[Stinkwheel]

On 13/10/2023 at 01:52, Metal Guru said:

Anyone going to admit any of these tropes is them?

I did a couple of pages back, problem is i fall partly into about 5 of them. No one fits exactly and i suspect, in reality that will be the case for a few of us here

[5speedracer]

On 09/10/2023 at 10:57, Metal Guru said:

The last time I encountered a “ride out”, the lead rider got off and illegally held up the traffic on the main road while the “gang” (12-15 including aforementioned stragglers), all came through from a minor road without stopping.

Talk about entitled.

Sounds like a HOG chapter.

[warch]

On 04/10/2023 at 20:00, garethj said:

Black Range Rover with BO55 numberplate.

An utter cunt in every way.  If you were sat next to them on a plane journey, you’d happily get out halfway through.

Rong colour but I need to know the back story behind this powerfully built female exec. I didn't see any blue badge neither.

[RoverFolkUs]

5 hours ago, warch said:

Rong colour but I need to know the back story behind this powerfully built female exec. I didn't see any blue badge neither.

The driver of that is the sort who walks around town with a family of flies circling around her fanny. 

[High Jetter]

2 minutes ago, RoverFolkUs said:

The driver of that is the sort who walks around town with a family of flies circling around her fanny. 

You do live in a rough area! :l

[Dobloseven]

On 18/10/2023 at 19:37, Metal Guru said:

That’s a synopsis for a new sitcom.

Been thinking about this and it might have legs. We can't call it Mondeo Man because it might upset Ford, who are no doubt planning to reuse the name. On a new car which" Embodies the ethos and spirit of its much lamented predecessor". A small SUV based on the VW T Roc. How about "Hari and Barry", though? Episode 1.... Mr. Patel(Hari) is unhappy. He's fighting a losing battle with school kids coming into the shop and nicking sweets and can't see an end to it. Meanwhile Mondeo man (Barry) is in trouble. He's been cautioned by the Police for loitering outside the local school. All perfectly innocent, his clutch had gone and he was waiting for his brother in law to come and sort it. But shit sticks. It certainly does to Barrys tracksuit. Now parents are telling their children to keep well clear of Barry and someone has written"Peeedoh"in the grime on his car. He tells Mr Patel his troubles and a cunning plan forms in MrPs mind. If he can somehow persuade Barry to be in the shop at school times............. 

[RoverFolkUs]

The Mazda bongo:

Owned by a slightly crazy middle aged lady whose name is probably carol

The carpets will smell of luke warm vomit, and the rear seats will have been removed to accommodate her mobile garden centre with leaves and twigs becoming permanently embedded in the carpet. 

Speaking of the rear end, it is permanently home to her 14 year old 3-legged chihuahua with 1 eye missing named pissfingers. 

It's usually parked surprisingly well in a supermarket carpark, however when it's time to leave the reverse lights won't be working, it will have numerous rattling heatshields and the unmistakable smell of oil burning off the exhaust will permeate through anyone's nostrils within a 3 mile radius. 

It's never seen a valet since the day it was bought and each rim will be thoroughly coated in brake dust. 

It's also a given that you will see it on the side of the road, hazard lights flashing and bonnet up with a container of oil to hand while they scratch their head wondering where the engine has gone. 

[RoverFolkUs]

1 minute ago, Dobloseven said:

Been thinking about this and it might have legs. We can't call it Mondeo Man because it might upset Ford, who are no doubt planning to reuse the name. On a new car which" Embodies the ethos and spirit of its much lamented predecessor". A small SUV based on the VW T Roc. How about "Hari and Barry", though? Episode 1.... Mr. Patel(Hari) is unhappy. He's fighting a losing battle with school kids coming into the shop and nicking sweets and can't see an end to it. Meanwhile Mondeo man (Barry) is in trouble. He's been cautioned by the Police for loitering outside the local school. All perfectly innocent, his clutch had gone and he was waiting for his brother in law to come and sort it. But shit sticks. It certainly does to Barrys tracksuit. Now parents are telling their children to keep well clear of Barry and someone has written"Peeedoh"in the grime on his car. He tells Mr Patel his troubles and a cunning plan forms in MrPs mind. If he can somehow persuade Barry to be in the shop at school times............. 

You missed the bit where he's parked up outside the Ford dealer demanding they honour VW's 12 year anti-corrosion warranty after noticing a rusty scab on the wing. 

[Dobloseven]

1 minute ago, RoverFolkUs said:

You missed the bit where he's parked up outside the Ford dealer demanding they honour VW's 12 year anti-corrosion warranty after noticing a rusty scab on the wing. 

He'd love the "Free health check" that comes with warranty work! 

[High Jetter]

11 minutes ago, RoverFolkUs said:

The Mazda bongo:

Owned by a slightly crazy middle aged lady whose name is probably carol

The carpets will smell of luke warm vomit, and the rear seats will have been removed to accommodate her mobile garden centre with leaves and twigs becoming permanently embedded in the carpet. 

Speaking of the rear end, it is permanently home to her 14 year old 3-legged chihuahua with 1 eye missing named pissfingers. 

It's usually parked surprisingly well in a supermarket carpark, however when it's time to leave the reverse lights won't be working, it will have numerous rattling heatshields and the unmistakable smell of oil burning off the exhaust will permeate through anyone's nostrils within a 3 mile radius. 

It's never seen a valet since the day it was bought and each rim will be thoroughly coated in brake dust. 

It's also a given that you will see it on the side of the road, hazard lights flashing and bonnet up with a container of oil to hand while they scratch their head wondering where the engine has gone. 

Admit it, you fancy Carol. 🤣

[RoverFolkUs]

6 minutes ago, High Jetter said:

Admit it, you fancy Carol. 🤣

Hell no, but lucky me if I did, every fuckin week she's harassing me/us because it's developed a new funny noise out of the ~500 other ones it already has.