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#61 OFFLINE   Datsuncog

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Posted 03 September 2018 - 10:09 AM

^^^ That's fair enough so - if you reckon next week may suit better (and I appreciate it's impossible for any of us to provide cast-iron guarantees!) then maybe we could roll this back a week?

 

Any other folks care to state a preference??

 



#62 OFFLINE   The_Equalizer

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Posted 03 September 2018 - 11:44 AM

Anyone at all?

 

attachicon.gifTumbleweed.jpg

 

Would next week mebbe suit folk better - that's Wednesday 12 September?

 

I can appreciate that for those trying to deal with kids back to school etc, this week might be a bit busy - and mention of pissing off for an evening to gawp at hopeless old sheds in a shed might not earn many Brownie Points...

 

I'm easy either way - in fact, next week might work a bit better, as hopefully I'll have the shed up by then and can skip along with a clear conscience.

 

Thoughts, opinions and obscene drawings all welcome!

 

Sorry for the radio silence. Have been busy with kids, work and a Land Rover. Either would suit me. In fact I am rather looking forward to it.


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#63 OFFLINE   Datsuncog

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Posted 03 September 2018 - 03:14 PM

Sorry for the radio silence. Have been busy with kids, work and a Land Rover. Either would suit me. In fact I am rather looking forward to it.

 

Hey, not a bother... I'll do some more asking around (Mr T_A_D_T_S can't make it this week; GLTease has other commitments on Wednesday evenings; not yet sure about how Faker or JoeBai are fixed) and let you know tomorrow! I'm leaning more towards holding off until next week, but will go with a majority consensus.

 

Also looking forward to it, rather.


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#64 OFFLINE   Datsuncog

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Posted 04 September 2018 - 04:00 PM

Rightyho, chaps - looks like we're on for MOAR auction japes and wheezes NEXT WEDNESDAY, that's the 12th of September.

 

Same venue, same directions, and quite possibly the same bastarding cars as last time, since the hapless purchasers have by now owned the buggers for a full four weeks, and so have probably twigged that their fine steeds are utterly and irredeemably shagged.

 

Just outside Ballyclare. Easy to find and all. Auction starts at 7pm, but gates should be open from long before then.

 

Come one, come all - this time round I should be present at the start, rather than near the end. Would be great to catch up with the fine folks from these shores!


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#65 OFFLINE   They_all_do_that_sir

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Posted 04 September 2018 - 08:30 PM

I'll try and force JoeBai to go. I'm doubly looking forward to this one as I missed the last one AND I've never been to this particular auction

Sent from my F3211 using Tapatalk
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2003 W203 C200 Kompressor

2004 Skoda Roomster

1998 Kawasaki ZZR1100

19?? Honda CB200 Twin

1988 Honda NE50 Vision


#66 OFFLINE   The_Equalizer

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Posted 05 September 2018 - 07:57 AM

I'll be there but probably at 8pm (or just after). My son's P4 teacher has decided to do an introductory chat to parents at 7pm next Wednesday.


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#67 OFFLINE   Datsuncog

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Posted 05 September 2018 - 08:52 AM

I'll be there but probably at 8pm (or just after). My son's P4 teacher has decided to do an introductory chat to parents at 7pm next Wednesday.

 

Good stuff! Hopefully there'll be more cars going under the hammer than for the last meet in August, and so there'll be plenty left to amuse and bemuse...

 

I suppose it'd be pushing your luck to enquire whether the teacher could relocate the P4 introductory chat to the auction, rather than the school? Just for variety, like...



#68 OFFLINE   The_Equalizer

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Posted 05 September 2018 - 11:04 AM

Good stuff! Hopefully there'll be more cars going under the hammer than for the last meet in August, and so there'll be plenty left to amuse and bemuse...

 

I suppose it'd be pushing your luck to enquire whether the teacher could relocate the P4 introductory chat to the auction, rather than the school? Just for variety, like...

 

Might be worth a punt. Ironically, it is the first thing I have had on a Wednesday night for an aeon.


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#69 OFFLINE   Tadhg Tiogar

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Posted 05 September 2018 - 11:23 AM

….But beside it...

attachicon.gif20180808_203524.jpg

attachicon.gif20180808_203548.jpg

Goodness me, a 59 plate Proton Persona Gen-2. In purple!

attachicon.gif20180808_204159.jpg

And it's running on LPG, to boot. Fair few scuffs, mind.

attachicon.gif20180808_204545.jpg

Into the ring, and bidding was surprisingly strong, pulling up to just shy of £800 in a matter of seconds. Clearly, this old Malaysian shitter is hot property. *BANG*. Sold.....



That's the first time I've seen the saloon version of the Gen2. Only ever saw the hatchback here, the shape of which strongly resembles the Renault Megane Mk.1 hatch.

Apparently only the UK market got the dual-fuel thing.
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F*ck your Honda Civic, I've a horse outside,
F*ck your Subaru, I have a horse outside.
And f*ck your Mitsubishi, I've a horse outside,
If you're lookin' for a ride, I've got a horse outside

#70 OFFLINE   Datsuncog

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Posted 06 September 2018 - 12:25 PM

That's the first time I've seen the saloon version of the Gen2. Only ever saw the hatchback here, the shape of which strongly resembles the Renault Megane Mk.1 hatch.

Apparently only the UK market got the dual-fuel thing.

 

I've seen a couple of hatches around as well, but this was also the first saloon version that's come to my notice.

 

Interesting - was it a manufacturer fit then, the LPG conversion? I'd assumed it was an aftermarket kit, since there's plenty of garages converting Isuzu Troopers and the like to run on gas round here.

 

Nonetheless, clearly a very uncommon motor and as such I was surprised how quickly it was bid up - a swift £500 starting, and bidding topped out in mere seconds. So there's at least two tightwads from Ballymena who saw the potential ££££ savings...

 

Hoping there'll be some more stuff like this at next week's event!



#71 OFFLINE   Tadhg Tiogar

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Posted 06 September 2018 - 12:32 PM

….was it a manufacturer fit then, the LPG conversion? …


Factory option, apparently, so no messing with aftermarket kit but only we got it - it wasn't offered to any other market. I think Vauxhall were also offering a factory bi-fuel option. Possibly Volvo joined the bi-fuel party?

As I wrote, first time I've ever seen one - I should have posted this in the "Cars you never knew existed" thread as well.


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F*ck your Honda Civic, I've a horse outside,
F*ck your Subaru, I have a horse outside.
And f*ck your Mitsubishi, I've a horse outside,
If you're lookin' for a ride, I've got a horse outside

#72 OFFLINE   Datsuncog

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Posted 10 September 2018 - 12:44 PM

Just a quick bump to remind folks that we are very much ON for this Wednesday evening (12 September).

 

All the way up in Ballyclare, hey.

 

british-car-auction-motor-trade-1980s-london-uk-DKTAM6.jpg

 

I can't exactly guarantee the same levels of chod as depicted above, but there should be a fair few items of interest going through the ring, if reports of previous events are anything to go by.

 

So! Come for the shite, stay for the craic.

 

See yis there.



#73 OFFLINE   The_Equalizer

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Posted 10 September 2018 - 10:10 PM

Just a quick bump to remind folks that we are very much ON for this Wednesday evening (12 September).

 

All the way up in Ballyclare, hey.

 

attachicon.gifbritish-car-auction-motor-trade-1980s-london-uk-DKTAM6.jpg

 

I can't exactly guarantee the same levels of chod as depicted above, but there should be a fair few items of interest going through the ring, if reports of previous events are anything to go by.

 

So! Come for the shite, stay for the craic.

 

See yis there.

 

Bet you a cup of tea you can't find anyone there this Wednesday with a suit on.

 

I will be there as soon as I can extract myself from parents' intro meeting and will try not to bore you too much with tales of Land Rover chassis and Dinitrol. 


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#74 OFFLINE   Datsuncog

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Posted 11 September 2018 - 12:17 PM

Bet you a cup of tea you can't find anyone there this Wednesday with a suit on.

 

I will be there as soon as I can extract myself from parents' intro meeting and will try not to bore you too much with tales of Land Rover chassis and Dinitrol. 

 

Unless Customs & Excise show up, that's quite likely!

 

My plan is to pick the Sub up from the exhaust place in Newtownabbey after work, then scoot on up to the auction (after a brief diversion home for cat-feeding and change of clothes) - so looking forward to seeing you there!

 

As I'm now having to think about slapping on some underbody protection before the weather turns, Dinitrol tales could be quite good actually...



#75 OFFLINE   Datsuncog

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Posted 11 September 2018 - 12:21 PM

So!

 

 

You all know the score by now. Tomorrow. Ballyclare. 7pm onwards.

 

Be there, or I'll send you some singing orphans.



#76 OFFLINE   The_Equalizer

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Posted 11 September 2018 - 01:49 PM

The orphan threat has done the job. That and:

 

"Dear Parent,

 

Unfortunately I have had to postpone the Curriculum Information Evening and PTA AGM. This will NOT take place tomorrow evening (Wednesday 12 September)..."

 

I'll be there at seven. Anyone else going?


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#77 OFFLINE   Datsuncog

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Posted 11 September 2018 - 03:33 PM

"Dear Parent,

 

Unfortunately I have had to postpone the Curriculum Information Evening and PTA AGM. This will NOT take place tomorrow evening (Wednesday 12 September)..."

 

I'll be there at seven. Anyone else going?

 

Great news!

 

I'm so hoping that you'll spot the teacher up at the auction, too, furtively bidding on some shonky old Accord...



#78 OFFLINE   Datsuncog

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Posted 12 September 2018 - 04:07 PM

Auction TONIGHT!

 

 

Just as an appetiser, I'm on a horribly crowded bus that's 40 minutes late, hoping against hope that I won't find the Subaru locked behind the gates of the exhaust place with no-one around and no means to get to said auction...

FUCK'S SAKE TRANSLINK GET YOUR FUCKING ACT TOGETHER AND STOP BLAMING THE PRIMARK FIRE COS YOU'RE ALWAYS THIS SHIT ANYWAY

Yeesh.


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Rollcall of shite:

1980 Ford Cortina 1.6 L (1997); 1976 Mini Clubman 1.0 (1997); 1973 Vauxhall Viva HC 1.3 (1997-2005); 1984 Datsun Sunny B11 1.5 Coupé (1999-2000); 1983 Datsun Sunny B11 1.5 Coupé (2000); 1986 Ford Fiesta 1.1 Ghia (2001-2003); 1996 Ford Escort 1.6 LX (2003-2008); 1985 Toyota Corona 2.4 Avante (2005-2006); 1981 Ford Cortina 2.0 GL Estate (2008-2010); 1993 Volkswagen Polo 1.0 Genesis (2010); 1996 Citroen XM 2.5TD VSX Estate (2010-2011); 1988 Volvo 240 2.0 GL Estate (2011-2012); 2004 Alfa Romeo 156 1.9JTD Veloce (2012-2014); 1993 Volkswagen Polo 1.0 Fox (2013-2014); 1996 Renault Laguna 1.8 RN (2014 - 2018); 1997 Renault Laguna 2.0 RT Sport (2015-2017); 1998 Renault Laguna 1.8 RT Sport (2017 - 2018); 2003 Subaru Forester 2.0 XT (2018 - present)

 

822434.png 836445.png


#79 OFFLINE   Tadhg Tiogar

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Posted 12 September 2018 - 04:22 PM

….FUCK'S SAKE TRANSLINK GET YOUR FUCKING ACT TOGETHER AND STOP BLAMING THE PRIMARK FIRE COS YOU'RE ALWAYS THIS SHIT ANYWAY


Public transport in NI is a bit of a poisoned chalice at the best of times. It must have been bad in the days of the oul UTA, though.
F*ck your Honda Civic, I've a horse outside,
F*ck your Subaru, I have a horse outside.
And f*ck your Mitsubishi, I've a horse outside,
If you're lookin' for a ride, I've got a horse outside

#80 OFFLINE   Datsuncog

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Posted 12 September 2018 - 05:55 PM

Car retrieved successfully. It seems to have had a cannon fitted to the rear, somewhat unexpectedly. Also a bunch of phantom skeletal sailors have been added to the crew, as that's surely the most likely explanation for the rattling now coming from beneath...

Heading auctionward now! You'll know me when you see me, for sure...

(full writeup to follow!)



#81 OFFLINE   Datsuncog

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Posted 12 September 2018 - 06:05 PM

Public transport in NI is a bit of a poisoned chalice at the best of times. It must have been bad in the days of the oul UTA, though.


Couldn't honestly tell you! The trains are largely okay (mainly because I've seen more complicated Hornby layouts than our rail network here) but the buses are still using such antiquated ticketing and comms systems that I have it on good authority that they're reliant on EBay for spares...



#82 OFFLINE   The_Equalizer

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Posted 12 September 2018 - 06:07 PM

Car retrieved successfully. It seems to have had a cannon fitted to the rear, somewhat unexpectedly. Also a bunch of phantom skeletal sailors have been added to the crew, as that's surely the most likely explanation for the rattling now coming from beneath...

Heading auctionward now! You'll know me when you see me, for sure...

(full writeup to follow!)


Tis packed full of chod tonight, that's for sure. Wall-to-wall dented bodywork, rattling diesels and lacquer peel.
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#83 OFFLINE   Datsuncog

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Posted 18 September 2018 - 03:19 PM

Well, Wednesday 12 September, Ballyclare... and the portents were good on arrival, not long after 7pm. Better than good.

 

20180912_192433.jpg

 

20180912_192422.jpg

 

OOSH!!

 

Now that's what I call patina.

 

Original NI car on its original dealer plates; and proudly owned by one of NI's foremost shiters, with whom I've had the pleasure of trading on more than one occasion. He really ought to be on here, but reckons he's happy enough as a regular on the Autoshite Facebook page... I'm sure this iconic vehicle will be familiar to a few, and maybe further afield as it's done a spot of film work here and there.

 

This Riva is very much not for sale. It's already been earmarked as a family heirloom, and I for one couldn't be more pleased.

 

I dumped the Forester up at the top of the hill, spotting The_Equalizer's Merc CLK in passing, already parked.

 

Having had no lunch and reeling from bus woes, I was busting for a punnet of cheesy chips, so hot-footed it over to the on-site burger van as a priority.

 

While waiting for the fair purveyors of calorie-laden stodge to ladle me up a styrene-packaged heart attack, I glanced casually over my shoulder to see this steaming great turd clonking away in the ring behind.

 

20180912_192814.jpg

 

I couldn't quite hear whether it sold or not, but as it drove outside there was a tremendous BANG as it failed to clear the (small) steel lip across the threshold on its flat tyres and completely bollocksed suspension.

 

Clearly, we were dealing with KWALITEE MOTAHS tonight.

 

And boats, too. Diversification. Clever.

 

20180912_194312.jpg

"Hi, Ma? Aye, I just bought a boat, like. How big's our bath, again?"

 

With a steaming bundle of carbohydrates nestling safely under the arm of my old Queensland Territorial Army coat, I spied The_Equalizer admiring* a B6 Passat estate on the queue for the ring.

 

Whoo-hoo! SHITERS ASSEMBLE!

 

Autoshite Avengers Assemble.png

 

Reintroductions complete, we took a circuitous dander around the holding lot, and boy oh boy, were there some utter mongrels to be seen.

 

Well, for starters there was the abject munter that was the freshly auctioned Citroen C5.

 

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My dreadful twilight pics actually flatter this one a great deal: epic lacquer peel, body resting on the bump stops, very flat tyres and bumps, dings and scratches galore.

 

Honestly, I think some metal recyclers might turn this one down, let alone any paying punters. The only strong selling point seemed to be a lot of brass doorhinges scattered around the interior, possibly in a last-ditch attempt to boost its weighbridge appeal. A wise move.

 

Oho. Not so many Mazda 626s around these days.

 

20180912_192654.jpg

 

20180912_194430.jpg

 

And here's why...

 

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Fair bit of grot to the wings; not sure whether these mirror the Mazda 6 for enthusiastic underside corrosion, but I wouldn't wave someone else's bargepole at this one... since it had already gone through the ring before I arrived, I'm not sure if anyone else had greater balls than I.

 

SMOL SHITE. Now we're talking.

 

A brace of matching KAs, both with typically bubbly personalities and not-very-good paint match around sprayed bits. Especially around the fuel filler. I daresay these are both on their last MOT...

 

20180912_192614.jpg

 

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And a Bobsey Twins set of silver Corsa Bs, each with an impressive array of Halfords tat and plenty o' dents:

 

20180912_194848.jpg

 

20180912_192601.jpg

 

As we perambulated contentedly, a nasty-looking Mitsubishi L200, which looked at if it had been lightly rubbed with used nappies, barrelled up behind us from the ring exit door, causing a mildly hairy moment. I imagine the auction-jockey was quite keen to get out of it, if the interior was in a similar state.

 

20180912_194649.jpg

 

20180912_194659.jpg

 

20180912_194704.jpg

 

Mmm. Crispy.

 

Remedial sculpture classes provided us with this delight, on (I think) a Golf Mk IV. [EDIT: wrong - it's an Astra. Cheers, Tadhg!]

 

20180912_194602.jpg

 

Yes, that's cheap pound-shop parcel tape blown over with a few puffs of matt black aerosol. When only the very best will do.

 

Stand and deliver! Cit C4 Highwayman special edition. I didn't check to see whether the rear plate matched that on the front clip.

 

20180912_194611.jpg

 

[TO BE CONTINUED LATER!!]


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#84 OFFLINE   Tadhg Tiogar

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Posted 18 September 2018 - 03:36 PM

.....Clearly, we were dealing with KWALITEE MOTAHS tonight.….

 

.....Remedial sculpture classes provided us with this delight, on (I think) a Golf Mk IV.

 

attachicon.gif20180912_194602.jpg

 

Yes, that's cheap parcel tape blown over with matt black aerosol. When only the best will do....

 

Looks more like an Astra G or H mirror.


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F*ck your Honda Civic, I've a horse outside,
F*ck your Subaru, I have a horse outside.
And f*ck your Mitsubishi, I've a horse outside,
If you're lookin' for a ride, I've got a horse outside

#85 ONLINE   hairnet

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Posted 18 September 2018 - 03:40 PM

Translink bus

Fek

The airport bus is bad enuff ( thinks he's Kris Meeker)

Organise one for the spring on a sat :D
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#86 OFFLINE   Datsuncog

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Posted 18 September 2018 - 03:52 PM

Translink bus

Fek

The airport bus is bad enuff ( thinks he's Kris Meeker)

Organise one for the spring on a sat :D

 

Buses are not my friends right now either, no...

 

Hit us up here once you've got dates in mind; we'll make something shiteworthy happen!


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#87 ONLINE   hairnet

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Posted 18 September 2018 - 04:40 PM

just pick one

 

as long as its in advance and im not working ill be there


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#88 ONLINE   hairnet

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Posted 18 September 2018 - 04:41 PM

Buses are not my friends right now either, no...

 

 

wont hear a word about the trains theyre ace


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#89 OFFLINE   The_Equalizer

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Posted 18 September 2018 - 09:09 PM

Really pleased you've managed to undertake a write up of this and I haven't been keeping an eye out for it all week, honest! 

 

I will have to take a camera and some better notes (metal or otherwise) when the next NI jolly happens. I am sure we can coax a few more NI shitters to this fine spot or somewhere similar, if nothing else other than to spare poor Datsuncog from two hours of my constant witterings.  

 

For me one of the highlights was the MGB that was a mixture of mid-blue with a more than a hint of rattle can grey on its flanks. You can just spot its nose poking out in the first photo of the aforementioned write up. Make no mistake, this had pride of place in Ballyclare auction house - one of  one vehicles that was stored indoors. It was also one of one vehicles that didn't make it through the 'ring' under its own steam - not that anyone attempted to start it. What was even more surprising was the hammer price - very un-Ballyclare. I am almost certain more details and delightful photos will follow from Datsuncog.

 

Other points of note where cheapest car which I think when to a Corsa at £70. Whether or not it had a ticket I can't remember. What did have a MoT and certainly wasn't inconsistent with the general run of things was a Merc W203 C-Class that was hammered down for £330. There was another similar C220 diesel at £770 - oh the expense. There was also a right old mixture of cars included VAG chod, a couple of Citroens (including a far too new for Ballyclare funky yellow and black C3), slightly unusual Lexus IS200 and Vauxhalls/Fords galore. It was fairly consistent that the cars seemed to be of 2000/2001 vintage. Oh, and one final other noteworthy sale was a rag top Saab 93, again with MoT at about £750. What do you mean that summer is over?

 

Nearly everything would give any sensible person the fear of God. It really is the last stop before the scrappy for the good majority, or perhaps just a minor diversion en-route? Nearly all cars supported a little card in their windscreen with very limited details other than manufacturer, year, model and the ominous 'S.A.S.' Never has an acronym conveyed so precise a warning with perhaps the exception of danger U.X.B.. That said, a lot were so stupidly cheap (in true Autoshite style) that there was very little to be lost even if whatever you bought didn't get much further than the end of next week. 

 

Given that Datsuncog has such a fine way with the words and not wishes to spoil part two of the installment (hint, hint) I'll not say much else other than if there's even the slightest hint that the motoring equivalent of Pet Rescue is your thing then you really ought to pop on down. 


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#90 OFFLINE   Datsuncog

Datsuncog

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Posted 20 September 2018 - 12:57 AM

Wednesday 12th September Auction Report - Part the Second!!

 

Right, where was I again, before life (in the form of scurrilous MOT testers and odd noises) intruded?

 

Ah yes - wandering around a stone-chippings car park staring in shock at some diabolical heaps, while shovelling cheesy chips into my gob. That's where. So let's pick up where we left off...

 

Tired modernz, proving an ideal resting point for equally tired auction-goers...

 

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Plenty of luxury Japanese barge bargains to be had...

 

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...one of which may have been parked up quite close to the sea at some stage. Or possibly in it.

 

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Cheap early 2000s Mégane with Tesco carpark battle scars? WCPGW??

 

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^^^ In fairness, I've been told that when in good fettle, these are actually very pleasant and capable cars to drive. If I ever find one in good fettle, I'll be sure to let you know...

 

This Misubishi Lancer kinda caught my eye, for some reason... just something slightly out of the ordinary.

 

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But since this fine establishment is, as The_Equaliser quite rightly points out, regarded as something of a scenic stopover en route to the scrapyard, I daresay the comparatively shiny exterior might harbour a gremlin or two within. Cars end up here for a reason, generally. Often five or six reasons, all of them expensive.

 

Plenty of dealer-spec Audis up for grabs. Dealer, as in drugs.

 

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Quite a few booster packs knocking around too; purely for decoration I'm sure - as it's hardly likely there could be anything amiss with a seven-year old Insignia, is there?

 

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Having exhausted the contents of both the outside marshalling yard and my punnet of calorific horror, it was about time we ventured inside the shed of dreams to see the business end of the night unfolding.

 

Two auctioneers doing the honours this evening.

 

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Would you mess with these fellas? Damn sure I wouldn't. I kept my hands firmly bunched into my pockets, just in case I ended up accidentally bidding on something catastrophic.

 

My wandering eyes were, however, drawn inexorably to the festering heap of cack sitting proudly to the right of the auctioneer booth, like a mangey half-blind parrot taking pride of place in a maiden-aunt's fusty sitting room. Yes, if it isn't everyone's favourite cla$$ic, the EmGeeBeeGeeTee.

 

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As Brother Equaliser may have mentioned, this thing was such a broken dog than my initial impulse was to give it a last bowl of Winalot Chum and then take it round the back of the shed to put it out of its misery, as an act of kindness.

 

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Christ it was rough. And not just 'honest rough'; this jobber evidently had more pudding in it than Sainsburys Seasonal Aisle currently does. More space invader than a 1980s video gaming event. Maybe even more wob than Jah Wobble on a spacehopper holding a plate of Hartley's raspberry jelly.

 

The pictures don't even come close. The flanks looked more like a contour model of the Mournes. It. Was. Hanging.

 

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The deeply patchy rattlecan finish was almost flat enough to disguise the heavy orange-peel and long drippy paint runs, over bodywork that looked like it had been repaired to its current high* standard by a classroom of over-excited seven-year-olds with a giant bowl of papier maché, who'd been told that they couldn't have any Haribo or watch Paw Patrol until it was all finished.

 

According to the card stuck to the windscreen, this was a 1970 example fitted with the rare Borg-Warner 3-speed slushbox - and although I thought the nose was rather different for the 1970 model year, this was probably the least of its myriad problems. Sold As Seen.

 

Wot no warranty m8?

 

The 'Engurland' sticker obscuring the rear view probably wasn't adding much to its appeal, in all honesty.

 

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Since a rough, but nowhere near this rough, MG Midget had sold at the last attended auction for a paltry couple of hundred, I was keen to see what this hound might realise.

 

So you can imagine our shock and bewilderment to be informed by a gaggle of bystanders that some maniac had, apparently, bid up £3,500 for this a scant few moments before.

 

Now, for all I know the registration could be worth that alone and some plate bummage is likely to follow. Or maybe badermatic GeeTees are immensely sought after nowadays. Or perhaps the first owner was Barry Chuckle and a bidding war broke out as two lifelong fans of the late-lamented star tearfully slugged it out to own a precious piece of comedy history. Fuck only knows; you'd have to have a highly developed sense of humour to take this one on.

 

If nothing else, this vividly demonstrates that Ballyclare really needs to crack down on its daytime street-drinkers. They only end up hurting themselves.

 

But then, what do I know?

 

 

Still reeling from the shock, I spotted the pilot of the Luscious Lada of much beigeness standing opposite, watching the assorted nags and donkeys sputtering through, and wandered over to make some introductions and have a bit of a catch-up.

 

Thus passed a pleasant half-hour trying to work out where various heaps of our joint knowledge had ultimately ended up, which amounted to a run-down of the Ulster shiters network, all of whom are basically buying and selling the same abysmal, godawful heaps to and from each other in a collective act of self-harm that may possibly qualify as performance art.

 

Hey, if that lad who nailed his left bollock to the floor can attract an Arts Council grant, then why not the kind of loon who'd trailer a totally fucked ROI-plated Nissan Maxima with no paperwork (or sills) out of a garden over the Border? And then the loon who went and bought it off him?

 

Youse know who yis are. Binlids, the pair of yis.

 

Night had fallen properly by the time we ceased our chinwagging, and to my shame I'd totally failed to keep track of the various nails passing before my glazed eyes, so busy were we discussing Marinas, Cortinas and XJ6s.

 

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A well-used but handy-looking Hyundai Terrapin Terrahawk Terracan realised £1100; I've heard that these are tough oul things, so someone may well have got a bit of a bargain with this Korean Land Cruiser.

 

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I'm not sure what this specific Saab estate managed, but I don't think it was an awful lot. I do kinda like these - one day, mebbe...

 

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Billy bargain of the day: as mentioned, a mere £70 secured this ropey Corsa B. How long before prices start going a bit bonkers, though? 15 years ago my chums were scrapping crusty Novas with gay abandon; if only they'd shoved them into a barn, they could maybe have found that mortgage deposit after all...

 

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From the sublime to the redickerless - this big Merc topped out at something over three grand if memory serves, despite various dings of the more obvious variety noticed on my earlier walk-round. (The Equaliser may be able to assist here!)

 

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Still, if you're handy with a dent puller this could probably turn a decent profit. Not really my bag, but it had an undeniable presence.

 

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Couldn't help but notice that someone had clearly been in too much of a hurry to wait for the staff member to arrive, so they could claim the keys for their new transport of delights...

 

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Growing somewhat light-headed from the fug generated by leaking manifolds, ultravalue burgers and the liberal application of smells-like David Beckham aftershave, we stumbled outside to admire the queue for the ring.

 

Renners will be Renners. Why have three stop lights when one really really bright one will do?

 

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Quite a clean Hyundai Coupé, surprisingly. Again, I have a vaguely soft spot for these too; styling seems neater and more purposeful than on the T230 Celica of the same era.

 

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Chrysler panel gap - is this within factory tolerances? Probably, yeah.

 

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Last time round, I'd mentioned my vague bemusement/admiration towards the enterprising yet surly twelve-year-olds piloting these here nails through the ring, fag in mouth, phone in hand. I'm probably just jealous because when I was their age I was still reading the Beano and failing to execute an acceptable endo on my Raleigh Styler.

 

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Tonight it came to my attention that several of them appeared to have brought their lady friend along to keep them company, or possibly provide them with medical assistance if the fumes from a banjaxed exhaust became overwhelming.

 

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"Here, Donna-Marie, you comin' down the auctions wi' me again next week? I can play at bein' Billy Big-Ballax in that there fucked E60 with only two gears working."

 

"I will in mah hole, wee-dick. You made me push thon Passat all the way down the yard and then it spat black stuff all up my good tracksuit. Fuck away aff, next time I'm goin' down the swings wi' Soupy and Cheeser instead, they bring battles of Buckie so they do."

 

Ah, provincial Ulster adolescence. A beautiful thing.

 

Mind you, Donna-Marie was probably right. There were a few less-than-happy trails to be seen on the approach lane.

 

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I also noticed that the Skoda Fabia saloon, noted at last month's event, had gone back again through the ring. I'm not sure whether it remained unsold from last time, or if the lucky* new owner took a few weeks to realise how fearfully shagged it was, and so had punted it back on again. I've no doubt that patterns emerge, if you hang around here often enough. That, and possibly ringworm.

 

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Eventually the crowds began to thin and the noise of clattery tappets lessened as the assorted heaps sped off into the night, before their MOTs expired or the batteries went flat, leaving The_Equaliser and I to bid a fond farewell, with promises to plan for another such event soon - by which stage he'll hopefully have his Land Rover back on the road and all.

 

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Apologies were received from Faker (stuck in work) and They_All_Do_That_Sir (domestic commitments), but we'll absolutely manage to get a wider crowd together at some stage soon, for sure.

 

Suggestions were made that, instead of/as well as Ballyclare, possibly Wilson's Auctions at Mallusk on a Tuesday or Thursday could be considered as a venue (less shite as a rule, though some really odd stuff does manifest from time to time - and they have slightly better catering facilities), or else Carryduff Auctions (who have no web presence, but are still apparently going and harbour fond memories from my childhood of terrible old Capris and windowless ex-RUC Montegos selling for buttons).

 

Or possibly, if the weather's fallen a little by the time October rolls around, a diner with a nearby carpark to ogle each other's chariots and swap tales of automotive triumphs and woes might do? (I know - generally, Triumphs and woes are the same thing - just ask Captain 70s - but you know what I mean.)

 

Thoughts welcome!

 

Ten-ten 'til we do it again...

 

Dat.


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