The grumpy thread

[richardmorris]

Open office ftw! Or a cracked version of office 2010 which is freely available...

 

 

I use LibreOffice - no problems at all. Open office was bought by Sun I think, and is no longer updated. The people running it sodded off and set up Libre Office. I have installed it on three friends and relatives' pcs so far with no complaints or problems.http://www.libreoffice.org/

 

Oh and most importantly it can read and save in any format and is free.

[wuvvum]

The bloody C2 had another Failure To Proceed today. City centre....busy roundabout....rolling up to the line and the car kangarood a few times then stalled, stuck in gear.

Since it was in gear the brains refused to let the engine re-start so I couldnt push it, couldnt drive it on the starter, I could only sit there like a fat man in a broken Citroen blocking the lane and wonder what to do.

I got my silly little obligatory warning triangle out and plodded up the road a bit to try and direct traffic into the next lane. Since its cheap shit too, as soon as I placed it on the ground and turned my back a moderate gust of wind sent it flying off never to be seen again. Bastard.

With the bonnet up and ignoring the honks and insults I took the airbox off and got all John Cleese using the jack handle on the gearbox actuator.

 

And to my surprise it sprang to life, slipping the car into neutral.

I jumped in, fired it up, banged it into manual mode first gear and pegged it out of there in a cloud of tyre smoke. I was a little worried about it dying again during a gearchange and it was too far to drive it home in first gear so I nursed it until there was more room for potential breakdown without obstructing traffic and went for second gear. It worked fine and drove perfectly all the way home in either auto or manual.

 

All moderns are shit and fuck piloted DSG style gearboxes in particular.

The previous owner of my C2 spent £994.51 on a gearbox rebuild in 2009.  Then a further £936.46 in 2010.  Then £465.60 on a new clutch in January of this year.  And it's still shit - although I think its current shitness is more or less down to the design of the thing rather than any actual fault.  It's ludicrously slow to change gear, and in auto mode any sudden throttle action causes it to start running round in little circles squealing "OMGOMGOMGWHATDOIDO???!!!!11".

 

In other news, anyone want to buy a C2?

[fordperv]

Some stupid little scummy bastard stole my general waste wheelie bin that was collected while I was out at work, i reckon it was one of the reprobates that are staying around next door because their parents threw them out, i can't prove it so unfortunately I can't put them in a wheelie bin and drop it off the a50 bridge

[purplebargeken]

I went onto ebay and discovered there was nothing I actually needed. I may be dead. 

[beko1987]

I use LibreOffice - no problems at all. Open office was bought by Sun I think, and is no longer updated. The people running it sodded off and set up Libre Office. I have installed it on three friends and relatives' pcs so far with no complaints or problems.http://www.libreoffice.org/

 

Oh and most importantly it can read and save in any format and is free.

You've reminded me, I have libre on my work laptop. Use it to amend the PDF contracts spat out by our system when they fall onto 2 pages or someone's forgotten something and CBA to go to the moddy old bag who produces them for an amendment. Is brilliant at playing with PDFs.

 

Use the corporate office 2013 for everything else. I just can't do formulas as well in anything other than excel, mainly because the layout and keyboard shortcuts are so different. Use google sheets at home as I haven't finished rebuilding our laptop and putting office 2010 on, its a bit painful but good for the basic stuff.

[Pillock]

I do online Microsoft training and as a "reward" I get Office365 for £3.95

 

It is expensive normally, but I've never found a free equivalent that's as good, works perfectly and is 100% compatible.

[dollywobbler]

Depends how heavy your use of features is. For simple documents, spreadsheets and presentations, I find LibreOffice absolutely fine. Start mucking about with advanced features and I can imagine the difference start to show through. Similarly, I've found Paint.Net a perfect halfway house between MS Paint and Photoshop. It's great for quick edits. I've got Gimp for when I really want to piss about creating photos that no longer look like photos.

[beko1987]

I've tried vlookups, if statements and embedded ands and ifs and its not that easy (Im not great with the last one either, I go to someone else to make those for me) but its doable.

 

We have a guy who opens excel, pastes the data in, then opens up the visual basic editor, smashes his keyboard for an hour, swears once or twice, then presses OK. Then another button and hits play on a magical show, baffles the fuck out of me!

[cort16]

Do those c2s have the little robotic monkey bashing two little cymbals together that changes gear for you when you press the stick?

 

It's basically a manual gearbox with something pressing the clutch?

[EssDeeWon]

The twat company car Mundano driver in the Co-operative advert who parks his red MK4 Mondeo across 2 parking bays then gets out and stops and looks at it for a while before deciding his parked like a grade A knob.

 

[saucedoctor]

Replaced the knackered lower suspension arm on the Rover today. After a bit of grinder action, I got the taper out, cleaned it all up and started fitting the new one. Can I get the tie bar bolts to line up on the new arm? Can I bollocks. It's the correct part, too.

 

FUCKSTICKS.

[Inspector Morose]

I lost my wedding ring in the past week while I was away at work.

 

I'm in deepest shit at home.

 

So that's not the time to tell SWMBO I'm looking at a nice late 60s AEC Mercury flat bed to play with over winter.

[cobblers]

Our lass has a fiat 500 that's got some kind of computer aided manual box to make it an auto. It's been "trouble free" for her apart from needing a clutch at 33k which only cost £300.

 

Having driven the car quite a bit, the best way I can describe it is having your 13 year old cousin (who has never driven a car before but has read a book about it) choose gears for you, and a reasonably well trained whippet in charge of the clutch pedal, with your 13 year old cousin shouting orders at the dog. You can put it in manual and click up and down gears to get the teenager out of the equation but there's still a dog working the clutch who has no real appreciation of what it is doing, and is presumably panicking a bit

 

I reckon most DSG boxes must be a lot better than this as people rave about the VW one.

[mercrocker]

I lost my wedding ring in the past week while I was away at work.

 

I'm in deepest shit at home.

 

So that's not the time to tell SWMBO I'm looking at a nice late 60s AEC Mercury flat bed to play with over winter.

You need an AS wifey.....She would say "that's wonderful darling, is it one of those Ergomatic jobs with the crash windows?  It might make up for the loss of your ring which you were taking great care of"    Nah, I've never met one of those, either....

[sheffcortinacentre]

speaking of car insurance ads is it only me who sees the alliance school run one & thinks that it shows exactly why these so called good risks (low premiums) drivers should infact be paying high premiums??

 

as non of them are actually concentrating on there driving.

[saucedoctor]

My pal Keith has lost 3 wedding rings in the 11 years he's been married. However, his wife knows he's a wee bollix with the attention span of a goldfish with alzheimers.

 

He once knackered his microwave by trying to dry a pair of jeans in it.

[Asimo]

Impreza

 

Why do these cars attract bell ends? (myself excluded).

Because of that vile throbby noise they make with their badly arranged exhaust gubbins.

 

Yoofs like fings wot throb.

[mat_the_cat]

I lost my wedding ring several years ago - well, actually I put it in a safe place when I was working on something and now I can't find it - but a couple of weeks ago she bought me a replacement. OK, so it wasn't another vehicle to make up for the loss, but hey, I think I'm lucky.

[Inspector Morose]

The saving grace is that mrs FPB7 knew I'd lose or destroy it sooner or later (ah, she knows me so well) and so I only got a relatively cheap one and kept all the details to order a replacement. Just checked online and they've more than doubled in price. Hmm I fancy a different (read cheaper) style now.

 

Payback is that I've got to buy her tyres for the panda (modern, surprisingly reliable, dull and diesel) as it's due a full set.

 

Maybe the lorry idea can wait another year. Off to look at buses instead.

[dave21478]

Do those c2s have the little robotic monkey bashing two little cymbals together that changes gear for you when you press the stick?

 

It's basically a manual gearbox with something pressing the clutch?

 

Its exactly that.

Its a normal manual gearbox with a couple of slight differences. Instead of a clutch cable or hydraulic system there is a servo motor that works the clutch arm, and another big servo motor that pushes, pulls and turns the gear selector shaft, both controlled by a dedicated gearbox ECU.

It can be driven in Auto mode, where it behaves like a regular automatic car except it doesnt creep forwards when in gear and need held with the brakes. It puts itself into first and holds the clutch down until you start to accelerate when it lets the clutch out for you. It can be in "manual" mode when driving where you click through the gears with the stick or the flappy paddles.  The theory is sound, but the reality is as Cobblers poetically illustrates above...its just....slow. There is a lag when setting off between pressing the gas and it letting the clutch out so you start to roll back if on a hill so give it a little more revs to speed things up and it decides you are in a hurry so pops the clutch and you rocket off looking like a fud with no clutch control skills. Gear changes are pretty slick on mine of you are driving it hard, but just pootling around they are a bit clumsy.

Automatic mode is a farce. Approaching a roundabout or give-way it gets all confused and cant decide if it should be in second or first, so it holds second and slips the clutch a little and you see a gap in traffic and press the gas and it slips the clutch and you move forwards and it suddenly decides it would be better in first so downshifts, leaving you with no drive for a second as a truck bears down on you so by now you have the gas mashed to the carpet and it pops the clutch in first and you rocket forwards looking like a fud again. And then on the open road it often decides to downshift mid corner, which can provoke lift off oversteer if you are going a little quick.

 

 

I kinda like the rest of the car, so am looking into converting it to a normal manual. A manual gearbox, gearstick and clutch system from a donor car will do it, I reckon, along with some fiddling with the software. Unfortunately it doesnt look like the shift mechanism on the box can be changed over without taking it all to bits and using a donor manual selector rod etc, so may as well just swap the whole box over.

I would like to know more detail about it, but the C2 forum - as with most single model forums - is a massive clique of 19 year olds talking about rimz and throttle bodies, with little in-depth knowledge, and those that have the knowledge are not keen on dishing it out.

[chaseracer]

You need an AS wifey....

 

Louise, Mrs Trig, DrWobbler and Domestic Management are all spoken for. 

 

Sorry.

 

[andy18s]

I went onto ebay and discovered there was nothing I actually needed. I may be dead.

Who goes on egay looking for stuff they Need?????

[Skizzer]

Louise, Mrs Trig, DrWobbler and Domestic Management are all spoken for. 

 

Sorry.

 

 

Mrs Skizzer is fairly tolerant and will be putting herself on the market if I get an Avantime, a Saab 900, a Princess or any kind of project.

[mercrocker]

About to test Mrs R's shite-count.   She needs a lift (in a posh frock) to a tea party later today.   The Cowley desperately needs a good run out but there are no carpets and the seat stuffing is coming out of every stitch.   Theres an old army blanket covering* the worst of it.   Also last time she was togged up the fan belt went so she has less than rosy memories of the car right now.   Bet we end up taking the Merc.....

[purplebargeken]

Who goes on egay looking for stuff they Need?????
 

 

Umm, good point. Please forgive me.

[Sigmund Fraud]

I reckon most DSG boxes must be a lot better than this as people rave about the VW one.

 

I am a confirmed VAG H8R, but I must admit that the DSG is the smoothest automatic box I've ever encountered.

 

It's bIoody complex, though, and I wouldn't want to pay the bill when it eventually goes wrong... ALL MODERN BOXEZ R SHIT, BRING BACK TEH TORQUEFLITE etc.

[cort16]

The DSG boxes are good although I wouldn't want to own one with 130,000 miles on it.

I drove a 3.2 Audi Titi with that box and it managed to be fast on the flappy paddles without that big thunk you get from robotic gearboxes and a smooth auto in normal drive mode. Not as impressive as the 3 speed slushomatic in my Rover obv but still impressive.

[beko1987]

Fuck you Dyson http://manchestervacs.co.uk/DysonForum/index.php/topic,1478.msg7078.html#new fiddly bastard shit

[anonymous user]

I lost my wedding ring in the past week while I was away at work.

 

 

Just make sure you also lose receipts for any dinners for two, double hotel rooms, lap-dancing clubs, casinos, etc and hide your credit card statement next month.

[Pillock]

Our work 3.5t Ivecos have that manual-with-magic-inside gearbox. Apparently they are utterly shit at three - point turns due to the mega delay selecting reverse, you just end up blocking the road for ages.