The grumpy thread

[vulgalour]

Surprisingly, I'm not that bothered that the local kids have successfully nicked two valve caps off the Xantia.  Which of the following is the sensible adult response I should go with?

 

1) ignore it

2) passive-aggressive sign declaiming all local children as filthy thieves posted in car and/or house window

3) remove all valves/ valve caps from all children's bicycles I encounter

 

 

I'd like to go with 3, but suspect I'll just go with 1.

[rml2345]

What about a mixture of two and three where you go around attaching signs declaiming all local children as filthy thieves to their bicycles?

Then nick their valve caps.

[STUNO]

Your big problem is not the thieving little sods, it is their mother, and in rare occasions father. They know the child is perfect and would never steal anything. After all they could not steal valve caps as YOU left them in the street.

So it is your fault .

 

    

[M'coli]

Bastards.

 

That's only a quarter of the ones in your signature!

[M'coli]

Re: valvecaps. Set a trap for them by smearing dogshit into the eyes on the dice.

[purplebargeken]

Two letters in the post today. The first was an electricity bill.....a refund of 273 euros - Champion.

Next was a tax bill. 284 euros - Ffffffuckkk yooouuuuuuuu.

 

There is a specialised service located in each Department that carefully co-ordinates this exact thing. It is France after all and the civil servants* have to have gainful employment.

[andy18s]

Golf?

Arsebiscuits

 

Speeding ticket in the post today. First one in nearly 32 years of driving. Still, it was a fair cop, guv...

[chaseracer]

Golf?

 

Ha!    No, 205D with all of 59 throbbing normally-aspirated horses.  A little less than 132mph on the M4, too; 48mph on the dualled A449, overtaking a slow truck.  Slightly too enthusiastically, as it transpired.

 

I IZ DANJERUS KRIM.

[Cavcraft]

Ref the valve caps, I've had a better idea. Instead of consulting God as people would have done years ago, you should instead consult the new Lord of everything, Facebook.

Post a message up on a local page and say those valve caps contained the actual tears of your dead cat who was cruelly run over by a drink driver on a Raleigh Chopper. Embellish it a bit by saying the distress of the theft caused your sister's boyfriend's uncle Mary to have a mild asthma attack and thus miss his kids nativity play rehearsal. Don't forget to include the all important words 'discustin' 'omg' and 'ppl wot no me' for maximum sympathy.

Within minutes you'll have several pensioners, Internet warlords, fat dole cheats and people who wouldn't say boo to a goose instructing you what they would do in your shoes.

Print out each suggestion, pin them to a dartboard then blindfold on and lob three darts. Whatever they land on are the instructions the Good Lord wants you to take, so blinding them with a million volt laser pen, tearing them apart limb from limb and setting fire to their parents are the most likely forms of retribution you should take

 

Ps if anyone does NOT start a sentence with 'If I were you, I'd....' then they're not to be taken seriously.

[chaseracer]

Perfectly reasonable responses, in the circs.  If I were you, I'd.......

 

[mat_the_cat]

Re: valvecaps. Set a trap for them by smearing dogshit into the eyes on the dice.

 

Or the eyes on the children?

[vulgalour]

I love you, Autoshite, you're my only friend.  Especially since today and yesterday have been shitty headspace time for me, so the above cheered me right the fuck up.

[Lukas]

I absolutely hate it when I park my immaculate 1987 Pajero in the garage and people walk by and say "Oh, you get so much money for them." and "People with mountain pastures are searching for those to drive in the woods."

 

I know it´s a searched-for-car in good condition and I know it´s worth quite some money (~ 4000€) and I know it has no anti-theft-device because it´s old. So don´t tell me how much money it is worth and don´t tell me how searched-for it is, because it always makes me think you might want to steal it. Because you know where it is parked.   :mad:      

[Jim Bell]

Re: valvecaps. Set a trap for them by smearing dogshit into the eyes on the children.

EFF

 

 

 

*edit, Mat beat me to it.

[mat_the_cat]

I now have a mental image of vulgalour, arms laden with steaming turds, chasing after the local kids shouting "C'mere yer bastards, I only want to smear this in your eyes!"

[Mr Lobster]

Banger rallies. Again.

 

So you may be aware of the motor trade charity Ben. They organise a banger rally for 'bangers' which this year are driving from London to Turin. It raises money for the charity which is excellent but having just seen a picture featuring three of the bangers - '03 Mondeo, 'T' Honda Prelude and '52 Peugeot 307 I can't help feel that there isn't really any challenge at all whatsoever in driving a ten / twelve year old car to Turin. 

 

I'd more than happily do that journey tomorrow in my ten year old Toledo which would be considered a banger and expect that it would do it without any issue whatsoever. 

 

I'd be a bit more impressed if they were doing it in genuine 'bangers' but surely driving a decent early 2000's car to Turin is what we in Autoshite might refer to as 'a piece of piss'

[richardmorris]

quite - have just booked a holiday in france with the 20yr old merc. but it's just that: a holiday.

[jakebullet]

As the man who makes the dice valve caps I'm torn on the theft issue. Theft wrong, but if nobody stole them I wouldn't be able to sell moar.

 

I have considered offering the option of valve caps with slots milled in for the optional attachment of razor blade slices.

 

What about a mixture of two and three where you go around attaching signs declaiming all local children as filthy thieves to their bicycles?
Then nick their valve caps.

[Noel Tidybeard]

DSCF1814.jpg

no i'm sorry but thats not a proper Woolard

[dollywobbler]

Bangers just aren't shit enough these days. At least they're not destroying anything genuinely interesting with their no-doubt hilarious antics.

[cort16]

I did that Ben rally 2 years ago the cars are sold at the end so the say spend 500 min but if you bring a better car they get more money for the charidy. I'll give you that doesn't make it much if a challenge .

[155V6]

Banger rallies. Again.

 

So you may be aware of the motor trade charity Ben. They organise a banger rally for 'bangers' which this year are driving from London to Turin. It raises money for the charity which is excellent but having just seen a picture featuring three of the bangers - '03 Mondeo, 'T' Honda Prelude and '52 Peugeot 307 I can't help feel that there isn't really any challenge at all whatsoever in driving a ten / twelve year old car to Turin. 

 

I'd more than happily do that journey tomorrow in my ten year old Toledo which would be considered a banger and expect that it would do it without any issue whatsoever. 

 

I'd be a bit more impressed if they were doing it in genuine 'bangers' but surely driving a decent early 2000's car to Turin is what we in Autoshite might refer to as 'a piece of piss'

I feel sorry for the team in the 307.

[Mr_Bo11ox]

That is a particularly lame effort for a banger rally. Sounds fucking shit!!!

[rml2345]

Sounds more like an afternoon on the motorway tha a banger rally. Where's the brave soul in the Laguna II 2.2DCi Auto that uses a bit of oil/smokes a bit*?

 

 

*Other borderline basket case frag fodder is available.

[cort16]

When I did it someone brought a c5 diesel with 200k on it . If they found themselves in the wrong gear and put load on the engine it went into limp home mode. Not ideal for driving up the Pyrenees.

 

If you want to add extra lameness to the mix they have an escort of 2 AA vans with them . The year we did it there was almost more aa vans than cars .

[Richard]

The SVM trip to Wales must have been as challenging as some of these rallies.

[HillmanImp]

I want to see them get an Austin Princess from Derby to Cornwal. Then, and only then will I have any respect for them.

[beko1987]

They should get their cars a day before they leave, then have to fix them and then do the rally quick sharp.

 

A mates done it a few times, each time he bought the car a year prior an work on it all year. No challenge.

 

I'd happily waft the zx up to wherever and back in the name of charidee, it ain't getting scrapped at the end

 

When gnomeotoole did his they left the vehicles there to be auctioned off for extra donations, whole fucking lot was set fire too a few weeks later...

[HH-R]

If they wanted a challenge, they could take my 5 year old Panda, I can practically guarantee it can't do more than 300 miles without having some sort of massive electrical or mechanical meltdown.

 

(Guess what this weekend will be spent fixing... again...)

[cms206]

SHITEFEST 2015: THE TOUR

 

We could all fuck off somewhere nice* like Bosnia in our daily drivers, sell them over there for coin and drive back in Moskvitch Alekos and Lada Samaras. It's like any other Shitefest for the SVM but it'd result in less Volvos coming home than went, which has never happened in living memory.