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Everything posted by jakebullet

  1. Rev counter, down force generator, colour coded mirrors. You haz super high* spec one! Aircon?
  2. Random email, Claim a £50 amazon voucher as thanks for completing our survey. Yeah, right. Going for the delete button, when I spot it says Dear real name. Hmmmm. Copied the claim code, went direct to amazon's real site and it works. Get in! Bit of working out who's survey it was, turned out to be mecca bingo
  3. I'm not that bothered by the cunts now the aircon is gone. Just get her swearing at her kids drifting thru the wall. I've ordered myself an electric guitar and am on the lookout for a fuck off sized amp. As I have no musical talent whatsoever they're going to love to join me on my learning journey.
  4. I'll pass on suggestions to Hazel. She's had a visit from Mr. cunt now, saying please park somewhere else. Mrs. cunt's car cost 30K, and Mrs. cunt must be able to see it at all times for insurance purposes. £30K for a cat S 2010 disco. Riiiiiiiight.
  5. Hazel's daughter went to have a quiet* word with Mrs Cunt only to get a barrage of abuse, and to be told Cunt is phoning the police right now as daughter is trespassing on her property, and the police will also be arresting Hazel because she's illegally stopping cunt from parking where she wants to. Clearly cunt has been on the special drugs today. Vendetta is already in full swing, as cunt has previously asserted her rights* to the space. No doubt it's her placing bottles & nails under Hazel's car wheels. Hazel going to get a ring doorbell, though not sure if having evidence will actually help.
  6. My delightful* neighbour Mrs. CUNT has been out screaming in the street at the old lady who lives opposite cunt. Cunt has decided the space in front of Hazel's house is her "reserved" space, for parking of her chav mobile only. She is extra special, and cannot possibly walk an extra 3 yards if she parks behind Hazel's car. Hazel is unsurprisingly upset at being called a fucking old twat, and being threatened with getting her fucking teeth kicked in if she parks there. Any top tips, other than a sponsored set fire to chavved up disco day?
  7. Ma bursts into my shed while I'm drilling. Quick! Idiot Sister is on the phone. She's at KDA and wants to know what to buy to cut the cat stuff!!!!!! Er, what cat stuff? The stuff that came for the cat! You know in that black bag. Nope. Could you vague it up a bit for me? What's it made of? You know. Maybe metal, or plastic, or plastic metal. Maybe mesh. Angle grinder? Cuts* most things. No! Sensible! Well if it's wire maybe wire cutters? (5 minutes later) They don't have wire cutters !!!!!!!! Er, something else cutter-y? Think she went for secateurs in the end. Doesn't really matter when most of the tools sold there are sub blackspur quality. Forgot to mention sister actually did get a kitten from "ex film star cats". For legal reasons* they can't tell her the film, or show her what it's been trained to do. Unless eating and shitting are it's special talents. So not a scam, unless you consider selling random kittens at a markup because they're special* is a scam.
  8. Maybe she has to kill? Why don't the cops wait outside her house for a dead easy you're nicked?
  9. From the you never learn do you files: I am on holiday with the angriest girl ever*. Current anger: why don't any of these fucking pubs do Sunday dinner today? Dunno...... Previously the I need a wee game. Where she is mega desperate but all toilets in a 10 mile radius do not meet her exacting standards. I only need a "why arent you happy?" to win the day.
  10. The Saudis are attempting a bit of sports washing by sticking on snooker in the hope of it being the 4th main event. Shame they couldn't force anyone to turn up to watch it. Qualifiers from Barnsley have more people in the crowd. Oh, also...... Did Jack take a bung to dress up? Was half expecting him to carry on film it up.
  11. I went to the Leeds branch when it first opened, but not much in the way of pinball there Pinball machines are 80's fords now. I've got a doctor who that I paid £750 for, fully reconditioned from pinball heaven. I've also got attack from mars that was £1200 from the free ads. I need to go back on a Friday night for no ankle biters. Wanted to play gauntlet last time, but too many stupid children had pressed start, not understood it and fucked off. Too annoying trying to kill 4 players so I could have a go.
  12. It's cat madness. Mrs. Announces she's getting a cat. From amazon. Eh? Box arrives, she now owns a robot cat for only £120. Your money sweetie. Ma then announces she's at pets at home with idiot as idiot is getting a cat to go with the dog. Yeah that will work well. But not just any cat. She's found this website where they sell cats that have been used in films. As there is a LAW that cats can only be in a film once. This sounds totally feasible. There's obviously a huge UK film industry so there will be 100s of surplus cats. It can't remotely be a scam at all.
  13. Mum doesn't want trouble*, which leads to constant appeasement. Idiot sister constantly sends parcels here despite working from home, which is why we got a huge box containing flat pack table & chairs. Mum, tell her to stop sending parcels. No, she'll be angry, you could ask her. So I send a subtle text saying "Stop sending fucking huge heavy parcels here". Next thing I know I've got Mum blowing up how could I be so rude, and she can't believe I said that, and basically I'm in the wrong for days. Until I show her my phone. Idiot had been telling Mum I've been calling her a fucking cunt and I'm going to smash her face in if she sends any more parcels. On the bright side there hasn't been a single parcel since. Idiot wants to paint her shitbox horsebox, and is constantly harassing that she's been to the wholesale place, and they have cans of spray paint, get me to go look at them and tell her if she can use to paint shitbox. Fuck right off, they sell loads of different paint, haven't got a clue which you was looking at. N you're just setting up for me to paint it and/or to blame me when it looks like a dog's dick. Instead of telling her to read the can and make her own judgement, mum is constantly suggesting* I could just have a drive there and do what idiot wants. With a side order of "she's piggy in the middle" and suffering sister's abuse. No, you're not in the middle you're encouraging her behaviour. Tell her to contact me directly if she wants me to do things, and then you're not involved. Then I can tell her to fuck off.
  14. I don't think there's anything they can do for her. She's been registered blind since 1991, but it feels now we're going towards nothing left. She has dry macular which in theory is 10 years on average to knacker you up, but I'm assuming that's 10 years starting from normal eyesight. I've been rereading letters from previous visits and the one from 2 years ago says 'normal & healthy', then they start saying a bit pale, so maybe 1.5 years down the slope already. She has a low vision converted phone & tablet and uses Alexa for a lot of things, Maybe I could smart home things a bit more to make things easier. Half the terror from my viewpoint is she's too independent. Takes herself for a walk to asda which is suicidal even when you can see. I dragged a 2 person lift box idiot sister sent here to the front of the house, and told her don't do anything while I get the disco round the front. Got there to find she'd dragged it out the gate, and wonders why her back's knackered. Idiot sister is the anti - help. She's busy* so mum is often walking idiot's dog / doing her washing / general slave duties, while at the same time Idiot is trying to upset her constantly. Yes, I keep telling mum to tell her to fuck right off, but it's not happening.
  15. Top quality* shitpart too. Hate to guess how much genuine is.
  16. Just got back from taking Ma to 6 monthly eye check at hospital. Man is now describing her as having advanced glaucoma, and says she has macular degeneration. (Didn't have last time). Sounds like fucking fucked, big time.
  17. Ma wants to go to the building society to "update these books". I try to avoid it by printing current balance from the website, but no, they NEED booking up to date. Gets to the counter, can you update these please? At this point idiot sister phones up to tell the latest story of there was this horse, and it did a really big shit, so Ma fucks off to listen to the cool story while I stand there with pass books. The dot matrix printer starts screaming. The queue of old biddies who want to open an ISA starts growing behind me. Scream scream. Oh, the book is now full, I'll just get a new one from the back. Queue tuts and starts waving sticks. Print print print. Oh, I need another book. Done! Er, she wants these other 2 accounts doing also. Biddies are now out the door, but other cashier is busy doing fuck all behind her position closed sign. It felt just like the time I got dragged to bingo, only without the collective muttering of cunt when someone won. 15 minutes later got out of there without getting lynched for Ma to say oh! it's the same as what you printed out. Yes, you've not earned an extra 5 billion pounds interest in a morning.
  18. Idiot sister is now hugely offended after receiving my 'very abusive' text. The one that says "Next time you order a fucking huge heavy box have it delivered to your house". Oh, lordy lord! Pass the smelling salts vicar. I wouldn't want to upset her further, so I think it's best if she FRO, learns to live independently.
  19. Had Ma kick off about the box in hall she wants taking to idiot sister's house. Contents: flat packed table & chairs, two person lift, fucking heavy. Been here months, as idiot sister has come up with the cunning plan of send all parcels here so she can fuck about freely while we deal with deliveries. So dragged the fucker on my own, dumped at sister's house. Ma angry 'cos what if I've damaged it? Who gives a fuck, should have collected it then. Told IS, stop sending shit here. She's pissed and coming up with bullshit that she's been trying to collect it for months but Ma won't let her. Yes, I know the solution and will be implementing it starting today. Parcel for Idiot Johnson? Nah mate, she doesn't live here. Return it to sender plz.
  20. Just seen Alan (who had a skip delivered last week) taking a skanky old mattress for a walk* to dog shit man's yard. Top tip: Check for CCTV first.
  21. Poor little lamb has been having a terrible day. I didn't mind read to drive her about. Then when she went to pay for car timing belt changing man told her engine isn't original to car and belt was about to pop. N he wants paying in Johnny Cash, when she has no actual money and was intending to bang it on credit card. But yeah, a fuck off would be reasonable, except as usual she doesn't communicate with me. It's all suggestions* to the Ma, n hope I do what she wants by remote control. Perhaps she'll learn to ask after having to walk home.
  22. I've stayed an extra day at the Mrs's for an appointment. Just got back home, and I'm in the shit 'cos idiot sister wanted a lift to fetch her car. Er, nobody mentioned anything about IS to me. Yes, Ma knows I'm totally in the dark. But I should have come back pronto, just in case some halfwit who can't be arsed to drop a text message wants driving around. TLDR: I'm crap at mind reading.
  23. Er, £5k for a stripped cat S? What use is this other than to put the id on a stolen one?
  24. Ma in losing marbles shock. She has appointment at docs today. Just said best hurry it's at 10 to 1. Er I've got it in my phone as 10 past 1. Phoned docs, actually 20 past.
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