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Everything posted by jakebullet

  1. The Mrs's uncle died. Are we going to the funeral? No! Nobody has invited* me. It's Friday 2:30pm, they've put it on bookface. Still not going, I've not been invited. Ok, your call. Turns out that it could have been the best plan. His daughter decided to milk it for likes* Photos of hearse. N a video of the convoy shot from the family car. Bonus points for recycling the flowers by changing the card and dumping them on a different relative's grave. Stay classy!
  2. Seen a roadman* come out of one of the maisonettes near Mrs's flat wearing a balaclava, walking up the road looking in all the parked cars. Not remotely suspicious there you chav wanker.
  3. Hazel across the street went out for a meal at a pub. When she walked in she heard a familiar screeching, Mrs from cunts next door. She was very drunk and rowdy. 20 minutes later Mrs CND is punching a man in the head for spilling her pint. Landlord throws her out with your barred. Mrs. CND gets in the range rover sport, loads up her children and speeds off into the night. So Hazel, what did the cops say when you reported her for drink drive? Oh, I didn't report it because I didn't know the number to ring. DOH!!!!!!
  4. Skools must be on strike. Have a basic program: 10 screech "Gi-oooooooorRRRRRR" 20 delay(random(10)) 30 screech "For FUCKS sake" 40 increase volume 50 delay(random(5)) 60 goto 10
  5. So... once the timelord mystery is solved, which shitter has the renault 5 from the "It's grim up north" video? E792XGT, on sorn
  6. Ma was talking to Hazel across the street. Hazel is a big fan of cunts next door due to their habit of parking 2mm away from her car to intimidate her. Well a bit back CND bought his n hers range rover sports, which are of course top quality cars and never break down. Turns out the one 2mm from Hazel's bumper is fucked and doesn't run. So she has CND hammering on her door to move her car so he can get it on a pikey recovery truck. What a shame she was suddenly hard of hearing and didn't hear a thing. Took them quite a long time to push it up hill to be able to get it out and on the truck. She waits till they're strapping it down and strolls out and drives away.
  7. Totally a legit bargain* Not stolen. Original 1961 vin plate. Swapz for other stolen stuff.
  8. Do you get bonus points for moar colours? Only had 10 previous owners on the series 2a, but 4 previous colours. & 2 different fuels. (derv > pez).
  9. Finally spotted a single matching alloy for the disco on evilbay. £65 delivered. Turned up and the wheel is perfect, and has a zero miles michelin on it. Seller had guff about it being only for emergency spare use as 2011 dated. Which is fine as I only want it for a spare, but wouldn't hesitate to use it, there's no sign of deterioration at all, and can't see 11 years of being mounted but not used causing it to be dangerous.
  10. Just realised Ma's been doing her special skill of "The sideation" again while I was away at the weekend. That's her word for throwing things away that don't belong to her / she thinks are worthless / old / doesn't know purpose of, to make space for super valuable* things to be stored in the original items place. So there's a box of old crap* relating to my (rather dead) father gone. In it's place there's a fine collection of 99% empty aerosol cans, and some VHS tapes of "Catherine Cookson's really miserable Tyneside tales". Be handy if we ever want to waterproof 1/10th of a shoe while reminding ourselves that Sean Bean should not attempt accents.
  11. Spotted an expensive fail today. Tesla with AA van in attendance. I know nothing about electric cars, but I'd diagnose it was something to do with the recharging plug and 3 foot of broken cable hanging from it.
  12. As usual we went to the BP station for coffee yesterday. The nice older bloke was serving, so we grabbed a box of chocs and gave them to him for crimbo. For reasons unknown the BP app decided to give us £6 of bonus points, so a cheap do.
  13. Had a lovely cunt next door free silent day, as they fucked off somewhere in the pikey truck. Except they came back 10 minutes ago, and it's now screaming / crying child with Mr. Cunt shouting "you fucking bastard" and slamming doors. Guess such child rearing techniques did him no harm....
  14. There is no valid reason for them to be upping the cunt stakes. Hazel actively avoids them as she's afraid. It's chav bullying.
  15. CND have written on Hazel's fiat "Wifey cume on BMW". Anyone speak roadman chav? WTF is that shit supposed to even mean?
  16. We're feeling the lurve at wild bean cafe at the BP station. A large cappuccino is £3.30. But there's £1 discount for using a reusable cup. N hot drinks are on the BP rewards app, so 100 bonus points (50p). Plus 8th one free with stamp card. So £1.58 each.
  17. Looks like there's a cunt problem at Mrs's flats now. Last week a parked yaris with the screen smashed n number plates missing. Today an ignis 2 spaces away has the same damage.
  18. The entire street's cars are frozen solid. Mine & Hazel's have shite written on them. Nobody else's car. I'm sure it's just a coincidence* that we both have problems with cunt next door. Hazel is targeted because she wants to park her car on her own drive, and CND have to walk an extra few feet if they leave her drive clear so they block her in regularly.
  19. Sister has just turned up in the pouring rain with a juke covered in horse shit and the wheel arch liner smashed to shit. I loved melting holes in it with a hot screwdriver to tie wrap it vaguely back together. Yes assholes, I should have built a relationship with nissan 8 years ago and had them make the arch liner out of thicker plastic. I realise it's all my fault....
  20. Ma picked up the aldi upcoming tat book. Oh, air fryer. You can get me one of those on Sunday? Er, no. Strategically planned nearby aldi's. We can be at the opening of that one at 10 am, there's another 3 minutes drive away, and if that fails there's one that opens at 11 am. Aldi 1: Huge queue before opening. Man behind us says "nobody is here for carrots". Zero fryers. Aldi 2: No fryers, no empty space where fryers had been previously. Aldi 3: Half hour before opening. Employee comes out and says we have 2 fryers. So where is all the stock? On ebay at £70 more than the shop. Guess the aldi staff have had a nice day flipping.
  21. Probably want one when the one that comes with the driveshaft also snaps.....
  22. Maybe I need to think laterally. Wonder how big a fireball a butane refill in his burning bin would be? Hypothetically of course.
  23. Day 3 of cunts next door burning shit. How many days do we think before I can stick a report in to the council that fuckwit is burning trade waste?
  24. Cunt next door is burning all day again today. I guess he thinks he's found a wheeze of charge punters for waste disposal from job, bring it home and burn instead. Fuck the smokeless zone, plastic doesn't smoke much*.
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