Tropes you see on the road

[garethj]

3 minutes ago, sierraman said:

What do a George Michael and bale out on the motorway 

I’d bail out at 20,000 feet.  Nasty, odious, insecure wankers.

[sierraman]

I’ve noticed as well they all seem to model their appearance on Levi Bellfield. 

[Soundwave]

5 hours ago, sierraman said:

Dabbles with £50 in Crypto now and again but goes off like he’s Tony Coulston-Hayter. 

And owns an NFT, which shed 90% of its value* within 30 seconds of purchase. It's OK though, according to the 'alpha male' podcasts he listens to, NFTs will have their day again.

[primeradoner]

3 hours ago, RoverFolkUs said:

The wannabe 'Dublifer

T5 transporter ownership is obligatory, the fact they own and drive one is the absolute focal point of their existence and everyone has to know about it. Not one conversation goes by without mentioning the VW. 

His name is Steve, he's roughly middle aged and has short prickly hair. He wears a Berghaus fleece tank top thing, and he's always seen in shorts. He has a border terrier, walking it is the only time you will see him out in public away from the T5 Transporter, and/or not talking about it. 

He's signed up to as many of the T5 owners groups as possible, and he ensures to tell everyone that VW provided the wrong oil spec from factory and that everyone should be running theirs on Shell Helix 15w-40 and nothing else. The reason for this is because that fandangled PD specific 5w-40 was VW's ploy to phase the PD engine from existence by ensuring it causes engine failure at 100k miles forcing you to buy a new one. 

Steve enjoys living an utterly loveless marriage, but that's ok because he drives a T5 transporter. 

On the road, you will find Steve's van parked inappropriately on a busy high street. Usually in a loading bay with the hazard lights on. You won't often find Steve on country roads, it's urban or motorway driving only. Steve will often be found adjusting his speed between 60-90mph, and he will fastidiously stay in the middle lane blocking ANYONE one passing him in his VW Transporter. Steve's dashcam will be sure to capture any rogue motorists and have them uploaded to a bad driving compilation on YouTube. 

Steve's favourite pastime is trying to tarnish the reputation of any other vehicle brand. His wife and daughter are only allowed to drive a Tiguan and Polo respectively. If they want to own a Ford then they need to park it on another street because no other brand can interfere with his VW driveway image. Additionally, because Steve's marriage is utterly fruitless, his only choice of evening entertainment is reading Ford Transit owners forums while eating popcorn and commenting "HAHA FRENCH PIECE OF CRAP SHITROEN HARDY HAR HAR" ad infinitum when finding out a 57 plate Transit has just failed its MOT on a couple of bottom arms

Very good but you forgot one important part. The private plate. Ideally he would have liked T5 STE but obviously that has been bought by another Dublifer so he then  trawls through the DVLA website looking for T5 STV. No chance . The process is repeated until he finally succeeds in acquiring  ZT55 XQU . This is proudly displayed with the letters arranged  Z T5 XQU.  He will casually mention in conversation that the last three letters  are the initials of his wife Xavier and  children Quentin and Ursula whilst everyone who has the misfortune to know him thinks they are called Sharon, Martin  and Chantelle.

[GrumpiusMaximus]

Just now, primeradoner said:

The process is repeated until he finally succeeds in acquiring  ZT55 XQU . This is proudly displayed with the letters arranged  Z T5 XQU.  He will casually mention in conversation that the last three letters  are the initials of his wife Xavier and  children Quentin and Ursula...

The particularly tragic examples marry and name their children based upon the last three letters of their marginally-personalised plate.

[RoverFolkUs]

Toyota Auris Hybrid

[Excluding taxi usage]

It will have exceptionally low miles on the clock, driven by someone with the reaction time of a potato and used for daily trips to M+S. You'll find a strange array of items in the boot, including a spare set of underwear and a she-wee. 

The interior will smell of lavender and magazines, and you'll often spot it out in the wild performing utterly ridiculous manoeuvres and twelve point turns. It's not shy of navigating the wrong way around a one way system.

For those working in the vehicle repair industry, you'll find it's booked in every 6 weeks or so for a vehicle safety check having covered no more than 50 miles or so in between each one. 

[quicksilver]

6 minutes ago, RoverFolkUs said:

Toyota Auris Hybrid

[Excluding taxi usage]

It will have exceptionally low miles on the clock, driven by someone with the reaction time of a potato and used for daily trips to M+S. You'll find a strange array of items in the boot, including a spare set of underwear and a she-wee. 

The interior will smell of lavender and magazines, and you'll often spot it out in the wild performing utterly ridiculous manoeuvres and twelve point turns. It's not shy of navigating the wrong way around a one way system.

For those working in the vehicle repair industry, you'll find it's booked in every 6 weeks or so for a vehicle safety check having covered no more than 50 miles or so in between each one. 

So it's basically taken over the role of the Nissan Sunny.

[grogee]

Builder's flatbed

Transit or similar flatbed. In the frame of the flatbed there is a broom poking out. All manner of 'site' equipment in the back that may or may not be lashed down. Grubby tea-towel flapping in the breeze off some lengths of 2x4.

The reversing lights come on when they brake and the indicators don't work. It hasn't had a legit MoT since 2015.

Three blokes in the front, apprentice 16yo dropout gets the crap seat in the middle. 

Pumps out clag as they desperately try to keep up with outside lane traffic. 

'HIGHWAY MAINTENANCE' sticker on the back, waiving any obligations to the highway code. 

[JJ0063]

4 hours ago, RoverFolkUs said:

The wannabe 'Dublifer

T5 transporter ownership is obligatory, the fact they own and drive one is the absolute focal point of their existence and everyone has to know about it. Not one conversation goes by without mentioning the VW. 

His name is Steve, he's roughly middle aged and has short prickly hair. He wears a Berghaus fleece tank top thing, and he's always seen in shorts. He has a border terrier, walking it is the only time you will see him out in public away from the T5 Transporter, and/or not talking about it. 

He's signed up to as many of the T5 owners groups as possible, and he ensures to tell everyone that VW provided the wrong oil spec from factory and that everyone should be running theirs on Shell Helix 15w-40 and nothing else. The reason for this is because that fandangled PD specific 5w-40 was VW's ploy to phase the PD engine from existence by ensuring it causes engine failure at 100k miles forcing you to buy a new one. 

Steve enjoys living an utterly loveless marriage, but that's ok because he drives a T5 transporter. 

On the road, you will find Steve's van parked inappropriately on a busy high street. Usually in a loading bay with the hazard lights on. You won't often find Steve on country roads, it's urban or motorway driving only. Steve will often be found adjusting his speed between 60-90mph, and he will fastidiously stay in the middle lane blocking ANYONE one passing him in his VW Transporter. Steve's dashcam will be sure to capture any rogue motorists and have them uploaded to a bad driving compilation on YouTube. 

Steve's favourite pastime is trying to tarnish the reputation of any other vehicle brand. His wife and daughter are only allowed to drive a Tiguan and Polo respectively. If they want to own a Ford then they need to park it on another street because no other brand can interfere with his VW driveway image. Additionally, because Steve's marriage is utterly fruitless, his only choice of evening entertainment is reading Ford Transit owners forums while eating popcorn and commenting "HAHA FRENCH PIECE OF CRAP SHITROEN HARDY HAR HAR" ad infinitum when finding out a 57 plate Transit has just failed its MOT on a couple of bottom arms

Did a real life LOL 

Im about as polar opposite typical Dublifer you could get but I’ll go with it 😂

[artdjones]

After reading through this ..... 😔

 

Is it wrong of me to be so glad I left the UK over 30 years ago?

[RoverFolkUs]

The polly pocket gangsta

Choice of steed is a BMW E9x or Mercedes W204

The sole motive of their existence is to spread misinformation on the internet and attack ULEZ cameras. 

The car itself is run around with tyres exposing cords, the DPF gutted, the brake pad warning light permanently illuminated, tinted windows, and belching out smells like a mobile "exotic plant" grow. 

This species is hard to visually identify because they wear a dustman's hat with holes cut out for their eyes over their face, but it's ok because you can hear them coming due to the "trap music" blared out by a portable speaker in their backpack while walking around searching for which location of illegal parking they last left their motor vehicle. 

The reason they are known as the polly pocket gangsta is because he needs to make sure he's back home in time for tea each evening as he still lives in his mum's spare room rent free at the age of 30, where the modified dustman's hat is hung up and he returns to being a sweet angel.

[EyesWeldedShut]

One of your six-weekly customers perchance?  (Actually if you changed the car to a Pug 3008 this would fit my Dad to a 'T')

[Fumbler]

4 hours ago, RoverFolkUs said:

Steve enjoys living an utterly loveless marriage, but that's ok because he drives a T5 transporter. 

 

Quote of the year material, surely.

[Erebus]

34 minutes ago, RoverFolkUs said:

The polly pocket gangsta

Choice of steed is a BMW E9x or Mercedes W204

The sole motive of their existence is to spread misinformation on the internet and attack ULEZ cameras. 

The car itself is run around with tyres exposing cords, the DPF gutted, the brake pad warning light permanently illuminated, tinted windows, and belching out smells like a mobile "exotic plant" grow. 

This species is hard to visually identify because they wear a dustman's hat with holes cut out for their eyes over their face, but it's ok because you can hear them coming due to the "trap music" blared out by a portable speaker in their backpack while walking around searching for which location of illegal parking they last left their motor vehicle. 

The reason they are known as the polly pocket gangsta is because he needs to make sure he's back home in time for tea each evening as he still lives in his mum's spare room rent free at the age of 30, where the modified dustman's hat is hung up and he returns to being a sweet angel.

Hard to identify visually because of the illegal tint said chariot is sporting!

[egg]

'Mondeo Man'

He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker!

[GrumpiusMaximus]

2 minutes ago, egg said:

'Mondeo Man'

He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker!

He wouldn't go 'Vroom' if you put 400 Octane in him!

[egg]

1 hour ago, Dyslexic Viking said:

Agnes, 68 year old, likes knitting, garden centers and terrorizing her long-suffering husband on shopping trips. She knows nothing about cars and can hardly drive a car, so of course she drives a Yaris. When she gets behind the wheel, everyone nearby is in danger. She likes to drive into things, drive far below the speed limit and crash the Yaris at the first snowfall. And then buys another Yaris as no other cars exist in her world.

Sometimes also a Hyundai i10, which they bought to replace their Toyota Corolla when there was the scrappage scheme.

[GrumpiusMaximus]

'Ryan's Mum'

Ryan's Mum is a really nice lady.  She's really proud of her incredibly skinny and weedy son, who managed to get into a good school and works hard.  She wears a bit too much make up and talks a bit loudly.  Her car is small but smells very strongly of air freshener and stale cigarettes.  And divorce.

Usually spotted with Ryan in the passenger seat and another kid from the same school she's giving a lift to, who is much bigger than Ryan.  Driving-wise she's as average as can be and is careful to avoid side-on accidents in her economy car.  Back around 2001, this would have been a Peugeot 106 but is now a Peugeot 107 or an older Vauxhall Corsa.  Everybody likes Ryan's Mum but doesn't like being squeezed into the back of the tiny car.  But at least it's better than walking home after Rugby training.  Which Ryan didn't go to because he's too small, so he was out late after staying behind catching up on his maths homework.

[meggersdog]

7 hours ago, Soundwave said:

The wannabe baller - usually aged low to mid 20s. Very keen to project a wealthy "hustler" image to the world, despite actually being a part time Amazon warehouse worker. Wears a loose, probably fake, high end tracksuit that wouldn't be out of place in an early 2000s rap video. Drives an E-class or A4 with cut springs and a lurid coloured chrome wrap that cost as much as the car did. Usually has a £90 NI plate to hide the fact it's actually a 57 reg, and debadged to hide its base-model origins. Interior smells of fruit vape. Multi-fit chrome wheels optional. Usually has a sticker depicting a coat of arms or a crown somewhere on it.

were you outside my workshop at 4pm yesterday ?  We had exactly this apart from the chrome wrap E-class in for MoT and the owner was pacing up and down outside exactly as you describe.

[popularplus]

BMW/Audi drivers - More money than sense

Though these days these owners have moved on to Teslas!

[JJ0063]

Most of you know the job I do and I can categorically tell you there are ‘types’ of people - in the least offensive way.

The best ones IMO are the middle 50s blokes who have bought a Tesla. They are always Tesla owners club members, own a Tesla owners club polo shirt, love to tell you how great EV’s are and that nothing compares to a Tesla. 
 

[RoverFolkUs]

28 minutes ago, GrumpiusMaximus said:

'Ryan's Mum'

Ryan's Mum is a really nice lady.  She's really proud of her incredibly skinny and weedy son, who managed to get into a good school and works hard.  She wears a bit too much make up and talks a bit loudly.  Her car is small but smells very strongly of air freshener and stale cigarettes.  And divorce.

Usually spotted with Ryan in the passenger seat and another kid from the same school she's giving a lift to, who is much bigger than Ryan.  Driving-wise she's as average as can be and is careful to avoid side-on accidents in her economy car.  Back around 2001, this would have been a Peugeot 106 but is now a Peugeot 107 or an older Vauxhall Corsa.  Everybody likes Ryan's Mum but doesn't like being squeezed into the back of the tiny car.  But at least it's better than walking home after Rugby training.  Which Ryan didn't go to because he's too small, so he was out late after staying behind catching up on his maths homework.

Leave @AnnoyingPentium out of this!! 😂

[AnnoyingPentium]

33 minutes ago, GrumpiusMaximus said:

'Ryan's Mum'

Ryan's Mum is a really nice lady.  She's really proud of her incredibly skinny and weedy son, who managed to get into a good school and works hard.  She wears a bit too much make up and talks a bit loudly.  Her car is small but smells very strongly of air freshener and stale cigarettes.  And divorce.

Usually spotted with Ryan in the passenger seat and another kid from the same school she's giving a lift to, who is much bigger than Ryan.  Driving-wise she's as average as can be and is careful to avoid side-on accidents in her economy car.  Back around 2001, this would have been a Peugeot 106 but is now a Peugeot 107 or an older Vauxhall Corsa.  Everybody likes Ryan's Mum but doesn't like being squeezed into the back of the tiny car.  But at least it's better than walking home after Rugby training.  Which Ryan didn't go to because he's too small, so he was out late after staying behind catching up on his maths homework.

I'll have you know it was a bottle green Mk3 Astra!

[GrumpiusMaximus]

6 minutes ago, RoverFolkUs said:

Leave @AnnoyingPentium out of this!! 😂

I looked Ryan up earlier.  Turns out he's a barber in Hove now, married and has two kids.  With all respect to @AnnoyingPentium I'm not sure he's been through puberty yet.

[N19]

Instagram 'supercar' driver. 19, broccoli haircut, strawberry ice vape, drives an Audi/BMW (probably on finance), complete with stickers advertising his instagram and youtube channels, no front numberplate showing their private reg because it looks bad yo, metallic spray and fully detailed brake discs, calipers with massive logos on, tinted windows. Stops at the petrol station and fills up with £5 a time because he's spent so much on the thing looking flash he's got no money left.

[Pieman]

3 hours ago, GrumpiusMaximus said:

'Failure in their 30s'.

Drives an old car that was once considered a decent model but is now towards the end of its life, diesel, covered in dents from a previous owner and rarely washed.  Bonus points for slightly obscure, quick-ish estates.   Likes cars but can't afford anything newer and secretly harbours ambitions of owning a modern as they sat in one once and quite liked it.  Usually have had several jobs and have finally settled into a career that is inexplicably dull to everybody around them.

On the road they usually drive sensibly but are occasionally filled with rage from their relative failures as a human and like to boot it away from much quicker cars at opportune moments because there is nothing left for them in this life.  Gets shouted at occasionally for using the horn in frustration and flashing their lights at oncoming cars with their beam on.  Uses their indicators fastidiously but has never quite got the hang of roundabouts.

I'm 35.

Me except it's petrol, I put the scrapes in it myself, and I have never had a real job.

[quicksilver]

Old money. Drive an utterly immaculate mid-spec Mercedes they bought new over 30 years ago with a short pre-suffix plate that's been on every one of their cars since it was issued in the 1950s and is worth more than the car but they won't sell because of the sentimental value. It's always garaged, has done a pretty low mileage and is maintained regardless of cost by the main dealer who originally supplied it.

[N19]

Minicab driver. Mid 40s-50s, lanyard, polo shirt to comply with the 'must have a collar' rule, wears earbuds constantly chatting away to somebody (unspecified). Half asleep as his shift started at 3am doing an airport run and he's been sitting in the industrial estate for half an hour waiting for another fare to come through. Phone blurts out directions via Waze to anyone listening, he listens religiously and does exactly what it says - "turn left" = cut across four lanes of traffic and nearly get skewered by a number 94 bus. Directional knowledge suspect, would happily drive from Chelsea to Cricklewood via Enfield if that's what the sat nav reccomended. Buys a couple of Little Trees every fill up.  Boot contains multi pack of water and some tissues. Empty lucozade bottle under drivers seat that we're better off not asking about.

[sheffcortinacentre]

Shares his licence insurance, etc with the other drivers when he's not driving the cab as can't see why not it's his after all &  can't manage more than 36 hrs behind the wheel anymore.

[morrisoxide]

The Skip truck.

Poorly tied down skip which has been over filled by a chav wearing Argos jewellery.

The skip is loaded with stones, screws and rubble to hide several fridge freezers with the gubbins mysteriously taken out. The tarp covering skip is made from a second hand strippers fishnet tights, flapping around like a Tescos bag in a gale.

The driver wears a high vis vest and fake DeWalt builders trousers and rigger boots 3 sizes too big for him. Whist driving like a nut case looking at a copy of nuts magazine, covering the road in bent screws and crud. Also driving 1mm from the car in front whilst drinking knockoff red bull. With boots and cats music belting out from the Maccy Ds wrapper covered dashboard speakers.

Oh and if your the poor sod behind the skip van. The car behind you is either a Audi A3 or BMW 3 Series with stupid 4D number plates. That needs to drive over you to get to the meeting to discuss some tax dodging scheme that they have just googled whilst driving to said meeting.  So they can hopefully get a bonus to buy some in vogue crap to please people on bookface.