The grumpy thread

[bub2006]

That's true. The xantia is large enough but I've been messed around by someone regarding roof bars and the van was handy for shite storing and the high roof was a boon.

[Lacquer Peel]

 

✓Sorted

[bub2006]

Ooooooooo. I would be a bit better off if I could get roof bars but I'm pissed off with being taken for a mug over them!

[Lacquer Peel]

What happened with the roof bars?

[bub2006]

I was tired of chasing them. A chap had some then evwrytime I tried to arrange collection I was met with excuses. Had car since April 16th. Been chasing them since about 4 days later and all through may.

[Cavcraft]

I know not all Americans are like that (I have American in-laws) but the country does seem really fucked up at times. As a nation some of whose politicians have been quick to call Russia and communists 'cranks' they have an extraordinarily amount of nutters roaming round blowing holes in people.

I don't think you'll ever stop them having guns, they seem to repel against being told they can't as it's some 'God given right' or something. That's your problem right there and it seems no amount of innocent kids, office workers, schools and random groups of people will always be targeted by some lunatic at some point. 

[chaseracer]

That's brilliant. I wish all insurance brokers were at least half as honest.

 

Mine is.  Similar choice of vernacular too, on the quiet.  Fiveways Insurance, Stafford.

 

Recommended.

[xtriple]

The dollop is off for another 'spa day' tomorrow in an attempt to get to the cause of its 'non-starting' episodes. I have been pre-warned that removing/refitting the starter is 5 hours labour!

 

£100 per hour as well. What a ball ache. What with this car and the dog it's no wonder I can't afford anywhere decent to live!

[purplebargeken]

Rain! Just FRO!

[trigger]

I'm the best man at my mates wedding in less than two weeks and I'm currently trying to write my best man speech, I'm not the greatest at writing at the best of times but I'm really struggling with this, even after copying most of the other speeches on line I'm finding it hard to add any individuality to the speech regarding my mate.

 

I'm dreading this as I'm not exactly the most confederate of speakers in front of a crowd either with my speech impediment! 

[xtriple]

Oh yeah, forgot... When I tried to get the car out of the garage, there was a taxi (van with windows type thing) parked opposite the garages. Odd in itself as it's a very posh road and there are no house access points there at all. I requested him to move it a little bit and he blanked me completely. When there was three tons of bright green heap about an inch from his passenger door, he finally got the message that I really could not get that car out of that garage without him shifting his arse.

 

All manoeuvring done, I went and said 'thank you' and he again just blanked me and sort of 'snorted' at me. I considered calling him a few choice names for being such an ignorant fat ugly fecker but decided to simply smile sweetly and hobble away.

[Cavcraft]

Found out why the handling was 'interesting' in my Corsa Combo van: one front tyre has about an 11th of a psi in it, the other is a different size. I know I'll fit the spare, except that has ballooned over to one side and it'd probably be safer to clean my pubes with Genklene and a rusty wire brush.

[vulgalour]

"This is my mate, Dave.  He's now married.  Congratulations, Dave."

 

Why must people make such a fuss about best man speeches?

[DeeJay]

 clean my pubes with Genklene and a rusty wire brush.

 

Pics or it didn't happen

[DeeJay]

I'm the best man at my mates wedding in less than two weeks and I'm currently trying to write my best man speech, I'm not the greatest at writing at the best of times but I'm really struggling with this, even after copying most of the other speeches on line I'm finding it hard to add any individuality to the speech regarding my mate.

 

I'm dreading this as I'm not exactly the most confederate of speakers in front of a crowd either with my speech impediment! 

 

This is the condemned man, his life is over, congratulations.

[chaseracer]

I'm the best man at my mates wedding in less than two weeks and I'm currently trying to write my best man speech, I'm not the greatest at writing at the best of times but I'm really struggling with this, even after copying most of the other speeches on line I'm finding it hard to add any individuality to the speech regarding my mate.

 

I'm dreading this as I'm not exactly the most confederate of speakers in front of a crowd either with my speech impediment! 

 

I have done a little* bit* of public speaking in my time, so here goes...

 

 

Don't write it all out on sheets of A4, then read it at the gig - it will sound like you've... well, written it all out and are reading it.

 

Make a list (not too long) of events in the groom's life that will resonate with the audience and amuse them; you are, after all, the light relief!  You should aim to embarrass him a bit, but not to the point that he's got too much explaining to do to the new missus.  

 

Write each point on a separate blank postcard (A5-size).  Why card?  Much quieter than paper, fits in the inside pocket of your morning coat, less affected by sweaty hands!

 

Work out what you want to say about each point/event.  If necessary, write this out separately.  When you're happy with this (you may need several drafts) write basic words/phrases on the relevant card as an aide-memoire.  Number each card and keep them in order.

 

Practise beforehand.  Be familiar with what you want to say, and it will come to you much more naturally on the day.  Knowing your material will help your confidence and your performance.

 

Speak up, but don't shout.  If there's a microphone, don't get too close to it.  A mike on a stand is better than one you have to hold.  

 

Look up at the audience as much as possible; this includes them in your speech, they'll be able to hear you much better, and you can gauge their reaction.  Have a glass of water to hand.  WATER, MICHAEL! 

 

Don't forget to compliment and toast the bride's mum and the bridesmaids.

 

Most importantly, ENJOY!

[mercrocker]

That's great advice, above.   

 

Also one other useful tip I got given when in a similar position - Slow it down.  A laconic delivery is better than a gabble.   Especially if you fuck up (and you may well do, just carry on regardless...) 

 

Never forget, you ain't been paid for this so nobody expects a professional.   

[trigger]

To be fair to do panic and gabble a lot! Cheers for the advice CR, I keep reading what I written so far and then deleting bits as it's so cheesy with the common internet jokes!

[DodgyBastard]

Peugeot 305 Sr D-turbo by srblythe, on Flickr

 

After sitting idle for a couple of months I thought I'd have a bash at getting the dash lights working, previously the only one that worked was the glow plug light. I took the instrument cluster out and removed every bulb then wire brushed and sanded every contact point before fitting it all back together.

Nothing works apart from the glow plug light and now the wipers don't work either. I'm seriously considering removing the good bits and the engine and fitting them to the 305 estate.

[andy18s]

I know not all Americans are like that (I have American in-laws) but the country does seem really fucked up at times. As a nation some of whose politicians have been quick to call Russia and communists 'cranks' they have an extraordinarily amount of nutters roaming round blowing holes in people.

I don't think you'll ever stop them having guns, they seem to repel against being told they can't as it's some 'God given right' or something. That's your problem right there and it seems no amount of innocent kids, office workers, schools and random groups of people will always be targeted by some lunatic at some point. 

[cort1977]

To be fair to do panic and gabble a lot! Cheers for the advice CR, I keep reading what I written so far and then deleting bits as it's so cheesy with the common internet jokes!

 

All good advice above on speeches.   One other thing to remember is that you will never have a more sympathetic audience, everyone is on your side and prepared to chortle politely at the weakest of jokes so keep it short, not too risqué and remember all the thanks etc and you will be fine.

[gm]

don't drink to steady your nerves, a pissed best man is not a good thing !

 

clear notes, as advised above, and a bit of practice will make a big difference. Everyone is there to enjoy themselves so don't worry about a hostile audience. Keep the humour family friendly, remember there will be kids and grannies there who might not want to hear what the groom got shoved up his arse in amsterdam !

 

Last time I was on best man duties, the speeches were done before the meal which meant everyone could relax and enjoy themselves, this worked well - might be worth suggesting to the couple ?

 

First time I did the bm speech, I cribbed quite a lot from online examples, on reflection I don't think it was a great result. Second time, I made it much more personal (in a good way) which seemed to be well received.

 

pm me your email address and I'll send them over it would help ?

[cort16]

Get pissed and make a pass at the brides mum. That should get you out of the speech.

[155V6]

I was tired of chasing them. A chap had some then evwrytime I tried to arrange collection I was met with excuses. Had car since April 16th. Been chasing them since about 4 days later and all through may.

I might still have mine in the garage,I'll have a look if you want.

[bub2006]

That's great. Are they an estate? Drop me a pm please.

[twosmoke300]

I've been best man twice - brothers one went well but a mates one didn't .

Brother had his speeches before the meal and it's deffo a better idea !

[Timewaster]

Public speaking is something everyone dreads and is never ever as bad as you think it will be.

As mentioned, speak slowly, don't be desperate to get it over with.

Better to say a few things in a relaxed manor than to gabble through pages and pages of crap jokes and embarrassing tales.

Maybe just talk with the crowd rather than try to make a "speech"?

Open with "well, that went well didn't it? The sun shone on the happy couple / despite the rain (as applicable)Look around at all the fantastic outfits - the bride looks amazing and er... Dave has a suit on.."

Then you can start on the "reminds me of that time when Dave was mistaken for the vicar and ate all the WI ladies afternoon tea" or whatever.....

[fordperv]

Coming out of work, one of the women needed a jump start, so I did the right thing and helped out, whilst I was doing it, i left lots of room there was space to manoeuvre a van around without going near my car, a male student nurse in a punto reversed nearly hitting my car, he probably would have hit it if I hadn't shouted, he pulled forward, reversed and nearly twatted it again, I shouted at him again then went around to his window and gave him a few choice words, the fucking idiot had the cheek to tell me he was being careful, what's the betting I end up having a complaint made against me for losing my rag, I'm glad I've got 5 witnesses that saw him nearly hit my car twice provoking me

[Tamworthbay]

I'm the best man at my mates wedding in less than two weeks and I'm currently trying to write my best man speech, I'm not the greatest at writing at the best of times but I'm really struggling with this, even after copying most of the other speeches on line I'm finding it hard to add any individuality to the speech regarding my mate.

 

I'm dreading this as I'm not exactly the most confederate of speakers in front of a crowd either with my speech impediment!

 

One rule only for a brilliant speech - keep it short, no one wants to hear it, no one will quote it as a changing point in their life, it's just the bit that stands between them and their Luke warm over expensive shite meal. Smile and get it over with quick.

[dome]

Could be worse. You could have replaced a van-sized car with a RAV4...

Or a Freelander. Thankfully the only thing that replaced was an empty space in my driveway.