What makes you grin? Antidote to grumpy thread

[EyesWeldedShut]

My wife just sent me a screen shot from her FB. I think she's trying to tell me something......

 

[myglaren]

Stolen from another site.

Only in Britain – Complaints to Councils and extracts of letters written to them:

1. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

 

[Metal Guru]

1 hour ago, myglaren said:

Stolen from another site.

Only in Britain – Complaints to Councils and extracts of letters written to them:

1. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

 

Can’t argue with any of them except dog shit which is always a sticking point.

[myglaren]

37 minutes ago, Metal Guru said:

Can’t argue with any of them except dog shit which is always a sticking point.

As was said, hard to swallow.

[cobblers]

last night I was out camping, and randomly messing about with my latest impulse purchase (drone), I decided to try and track a car up the hill. 

Looks like I picked the right one to track!

 

[808 Estate]

[808 Estate]

[808 Estate]

[jim89]

13 hours ago, cobblers said:

last night I was out camping, and randomly messing about with my latest impulse purchase (drone), I decided to try and track a car up the hill. 

Looks like I picked the right one to track!

 

I expected a Hammond roll off the final bend 😮

[EyesWeldedShut]

Benedict Cabbagewank gains another pseudonym
 

[hairnet]

holiday

because fuck life

[iainrcz]

Mrs got an email from HSBC today 

Dear *insert derogatory term*

You're no longer eligible for a student credit card.

 

She's nearly 50 and the daft cunts have only just noticed 😂

[Markeh]

1 hour ago, iainrcz said:

Mrs got an email from HSBC today 

Dear *insert derogatory term*

You're no longer eligible for a student credit card.

 

She's nearly 50 and the daft cunts have only just noticed 😂

I've not been a student since 2017 and Lloyds only realised and changed my student credit card last month!

[iainrcz]

14 minutes ago, Markeh said:

I've not been a student since 2017 and Lloyds only realised and changed my student credit card last month!

They've done well.

My Mrs hasn't been one since the early 2000s .

[paulplom]

On 02/08/2025 at 20:09, MikeR said:

Started Xmas shopping today ....

 

Not a bad idea tbf.

[catsinthewelder]

I accidentally did, bought this for my stepmum.

She's from Hartlepool.

[MikeR]

On 02/08/2025 at 22:52, High Jetter said:

For yourself, I hope?

For others , 2 lots now ..

On a roll ... 

[myglaren]

[hairnet]

A Scottish man buys a german car shocker ( not cort)

[ProgRocker]

Chap I was working with was making negative comments about the seat cushions used in manufacture. I commented in mild agreement that they looked like the seats from a 1970 Hillman Avenger.

He then told me that his 1st car was a 1978 Triumph Dolomite in yellow. I was impressed.

[320touring]

Have pub, have pint, have Lars Fredriksen and the bastards doing a cover of Billy Bragg. Braw

[Dyslexic Viking]

I've been thinking about it for 10 years and finally did it this week. I finally bought the book that covers my area of the municipality. This is one of several books that have been published since the 1970s about the properties and places people have lived in the municipality here. And the stories about some of the places go back sometimes hundreds of years it also covers the many abandoned farms both large and small in my area. 

And I find it fascinating, I have learned about several small farms that are now abandoned in the forests here where only ruins remain and about the people who once lived there. I have also now learned who built the small farm I live on and who lived here afterwards. The book is almost 1000 pages and with my dyslexia it will take a while before I can finish reading it but it is worth it.

 

And it's amazing what the large forests in my area can hide. An example. bellow is Hanes place, built in 1887/1888 and abandoned in 1921, and the house, amazingly, is still standing.  I want to visit this one day.

[loserone]

We have a similar book and it's fascinating to join the dots during a walk

The Disappearing Farms of Weardale: Amazon.co.uk: Ruskin, Christine: 9780957424500: Books https://share.google/O0AApUnonABSZTWfV

 

[reb]

I was looking for a specific Guy Martin quote (which I cannot find) and found this one:

"The most common way to crash coming out of a corner is to highside - which is where you accelerate out of the corner, and the rear loses grip, then suddenly finds grip and chucks you off the bike."

Describes life pretty well, honestly.

[goosey]

Not sure if there’s something in the drum but this morning the Washington Machine sounds like that Italian Traffic Computer from the film Italian Job before it goes on the Fritz 

[reb]

4 minutes ago, goosey said:

Not sure if there’s something in the drum but this morning the Washington Machine sounds like that Italian Traffic Computer from the film Italian Job before it goes on the Fritz 

I choose to read this as your Drum tobacco has been spiked and you're hallucinating 

[artdjones]

[goosey]

MOT passed for another year of motoring in this big beautiful bastard 

[EyesWeldedShut]

[Billy - Medhurst]

Simple thing. Found a handbook pack  for a 1968 Rover 2000 P6 In the charity shop for peanuts.  All there including a printed envelope with a unused Rover car company tax disc holder.