The grumpy thread

[dugong]

I reckon the seats would be sugary on the R16 if you licked them

[fred]

Standing in a queue at the local 'offy. I had this sudden urge to shit....

 

Clenching my buttocks as hard as I could managed to buy my stuff, and minced out the shop Louie Spence style much to the amusement of some skool kidz standing outside. 

 

Got in the car, and brain started sending me ''URGENT'' messages along with my bowels which for some reason had gone into hyperdrive and my winkle was having great difficulty holding back the tirade.

Got home, and minced out the car. Trouble is brain saw house, and sent message to poo workers - ''Home its ok guys open the valves''

 

NO ITS NOT FUCKING OK YET

 

dropped shopping in porch, walked like fucking Robocop with piles as fast as I could to the latrine, and what followed can not be written

assplosion is all I can say.... Fuck me sideways and call me petunia........Where and why the fuck that happened I know not

[Parky]

Jules Bianchi, formula 1 driver died this morning

[Lord Sterling]

Standing in a queue at the local 'offy. I had this sudden urge to shit....

 

Clenching my buttocks as hard as I could managed to buy my stuff, and minced out the shop Louie Spence style much to the amusement of some skool kidz standing outside.

 

Got in the car, and brain started sending me ''URGENT'' messages along with my bowels which for some reason had gone into hyperdrive and my winkle was having great difficulty holding back the tirade.

Got home, and minced out the car. Trouble is brain saw house, and sent message to poo workers - ''Home its ok guys open the valves''

 

NO ITS NOT FUCKING OK YET

 

dropped shopping in porch, walked like fucking Robocop with piles as fast as I could to the latrine, and what followed can not be written

assplosion is all I can say.... Fuck me sideways and call me petunia........Where and why the fuck that happened I know not

I can sympathise....

 

Last week I went to the local Job Centre (a familar place for me) before I left home though, I felt that my bowels were filling, but I didn't feel enough urge to want to go. So off I went to Job Centre, then as I parked up my bowels went into overdrive. I walked into the Job Centre and my bowels got worse, so much that it was painful, unfortunately my signing-on time was fast approaching, I couldn't use the toilets there, the nearest set of toilets were at Sainsburys store a minutes walk away, but time was too tight to even get there, so I spent the interview looking completely constipated, I'm pretty sure the bloody woman there deliberately took long on some aspects of the interview for shit and giggles.

 

I finally got out of there and walked like a constipated man, slowly to Sainsburys as I got there. It felt as if everything I'd eaten that week had come out.

 

Suffice to say due to new location of Lord_Sterling_Manor, I have changed Job Centres.

 

Also, once when I met up with FPB7 and Du_Gong at a motorway services there was a point where I kept on disappearing to the toilet literally every 5 minutes. I later found out this down to the SORBITOL flavoured "Sugar Free" mints I was stuffing myself with.

[Timewaster]

Sorbitol is evil. Aspartame isn't much better.

 

Sugar free and diet stuff can gtf.

 

I used to like Dr. Pepper. I knew it was full of sugar so I didn't drink that much of it. Now it's "improved" with less sugar it taste like drain cleaner and molten plastic. And it gives me the squits.

Great.

[Angrydicky]

Fed up of being in Portugal now.

 

Trying to order a white coffee or get a proper cup of tea is like asking for the world! Then tonight I ordered burger and chips......of course a burger and some crisps arrives (chips are a packet of crisps here)

 

I want to get home and attend to my Rovers!!

There's been a MK2 Astra estate parked outside your gaff all day as well

[EssDeeWon]

There's been a MK2 Astra estate parked outside your gaff all day as well

 

Haha Yes, that's the one from up Lascelles Gdns. Belongs to a bloke who lives in North Street!

[purplebargeken]

To the couple in their late 20's driving a Merc A class in Sainsbury's car park. A subtle hint...... don't fucking drive with a suit on a hanger on the grab handle belonging to the front passenger as it impedes your vision.

 

Fuckwits.

[The Moog]

Got 3 sea urchin spines lodged in my finger tip, fucking sore.

[Bren]

Ford.

 

Thanks a bunch for making the oil filter a PITA to access on the old focus TDCi.

 

No wonder the garage couldn't be arsed changing it...

[robinmasters]

Forget the modern cartoon, there's a porn version with Bobbi Starr as Velma...

Fucking Google. If I search for images of a porn actress, I do not want 'Moderate safe search on'. But you can't turn it off. Bastards.

 

I realise I can add words to the search to return pictures of specific anatomical features (and I have), but I shouldn't have to.

[dave21478]

Bing is the worst search engine ever, except for porn when it is amazing.

 

Apparently.

[panhard65]

Ford.

 

Thanks a bunch for making the oil filter a PITA to access on the old focus TDCi.

 

No wonder the garage couldn't be arsed changing it...

You want to try changing one on the latest Ford diesels with the Peugeot motor. You either use a special tool or take half the inlet manifold off.

[Station]

Did something similar when I was running a couple of years ago. Was going along and suddenly a massive urge to pee from nowhere, the urine was actually dripping from my todger. I had to whip my chappy out whilst running (it was late at night) with piss coming out and urgently veer into the cemetery and pee behind a bush. Thought I was incontinent but hasn't happened since.

[D Spares & Tyres]

I cooked some sausages that had some little white bits on that might have been worms/maggots

 

Fairly sure I'm not ill, but I think the thought of being ill is making me ill

more likely to be bits of brains

[TimothyClaypole]

Bought a car today.

 

So that was 25 weeks without a car at all.

 

Big up the AA and their ambulance chasers making me go through their sham of a claims process especially when it wasn't my fault.

 

If your insurance goes up blame them.

 

I'll be making a complaint that they wanted more money for the insurance changing despite 6 months of paying for a policy when they left me without a car, bastards.

[Slappy]

Bit of an eye-roll-y grump this one really. Back in Kent to visit the 'rental units, had to negotiate Op Stack, which was fine, I was anticipating that and for getting stuck in bits of Kent.

 

The bit that annoyed me was whilst trying to sneak through Bearsted (because local) there was a lot of on street parking and therefore single carriageway priority moments. I could see that there were a few cars struggling to get past, so I just hung back in a gap to allow on-coming stuff through. You can guess what happened, bloke in an E Klass swans past me (despite my brake lights on) and adds to the chaos. I then tried to move off, but too late because 2 more came shooting by, idiots!

[Bren]

Funnels.

 

I have three of the things.

 

Why does the top cut from a 2L fanta bottle do a better job?

 

Answers on a postcard to "Why are my funnels shit?" PO Box 2 Warrington.

[Slappy]

I'm not a physicist by any means but I'm gonna say it's something to do with the ability for air to make it's way out, or the flow rate to let liquid through. The 2l top having a wider neck might let more through in that case.

 

By that token, this means is that everyone should own a jam funnel...

[beko1987]

Its raining. Thats the car boots off then!

[tooSavvy]

Funnels.

I have three of the things.

Why does the top cut from a 2L fanta bottle do a better job?

Answers on a postcard to "Why are my funnels shit?" PO Box 2 Warrington.

I feed the 40,000 in my back yard (bird feeder) and got well fed up of pouring seed from the shop bag into a 4pint milk container, using SWMBO kitchen funnel - just jamming like a brick.

Cut 2" off the top off a trigger spray 'multisurface cleaner' bottle - seed swirls around and just rattles in

 

TS

[burraston2006]

I feed the 40,000 in my back yard (bird feeder) and got well fed up of pouring seed from the shop bag into a 4pint milk container, using SWMBO kitchen funnel - just jamming like a brick.

Cut 2" off the top off a trigger spray 'multisurface cleaner' bottle - seed swirls around and just rattles in

 

TS

 

Could you not use the sprayer? That way you would get the seed exactly where you want it ( including the hard to reach places). Mind you the  linseed would probably still dribble over your fingers!

This place ain't what it used to be .........................

[Tayne]

I'm not a physicist by any means but I'm gonna say it's something to do with the ability for air to make it's way out, or the flow rate to let liquid through. The 2l top having a wider neck might let more through in that case.

 

By that token, this means is that everyone should own a jam funnel...

You're half right, it's the gap/seal where the funnel meets the receiving receptacle which is the issue.

 

Either hold the funnel a few mm above the neck of the receiving bottle to allow air to escape around the funnel OR fabricate your own funnelling device that doesn't form a seal onto the item you're filling.

[Cavcraft]

[The Moog]

Had a moment this morning, got stuck in traffic this morning and almost ran out of fuel. With 8 air tanks and dive gear in a 1.2 Skoda means fuel doesn't last long.

 

Luckily pulled into petrol station. Except all auto on a Sunday. So 40 degree heat, no cash, no fuel and missus waiting at five site 10km with wallet.

 

Tried to borrow some Euros off some locals who thought I had asked for their first born. Ended up ordering taxi to run me to missus and back. Always going to keep some cash in all cars from now on.

[cort16]

I've got the rusty old ford blues. Can you count all the new holes I found?

Getting a bit fed up of this shite heap I might sack it off once I've fixed thes holes and fitted the new seats .

[xtriple]

I have a storage unit. I have had it since Christmas 2013. I have NEVER seen it as a mate took all my stuff from the house and put it in the unit for me as I was a very crippled cripple at the time.

 

Today, another mate asked me if he could put his roof box (fucking great thing on a new Hyundia x35) in the unit as his wife wants to use the X35 for work next week and with it on, carparks are a no- no!

 

So off we go with a certain sense of trepidation on my part and after fucking around for ages getting in the place then even longer finding unit 40 (their numbering system knows no rhyme or reason - must be an economics graduate!) couldn't even get the key in the lock as the lock was rusty as fook. Engine oil from dipstick got key in lock, but no way will the bastard turn. So grumpy me, grumpy mate and now left with the prospect of trying to get the lock to work.

 

Was a bloody expensive lock as well, bought from them and with covers all over it. How the flaming hell has it gone so rusty in 18 months?

[chaseracer]

Because it's shit.  Have you discussed this unacceptable failure to perform - and be fit for purpose - with the vendor?

[xtriple]

Because it's shit.  Have you discussed this unacceptable failure to perform - and be fit for purpose - with the vendor?

Tomorrow.

 

No bugger there on a Sunday... or a Saturday for that matter!

[EssDeeWon]

Got the Primrose 75 on the road now, all cleaned up and looking lovely, been out in it this afternoon and all seems fine but the coolant temp was in the late 90s, hmmmm well the fan defo works as I tested it twice before buying it....

 

Well, It doesn't now !!!