Volvo V70 D5: Dark Beast one...​​​​​​two...now three years on.

[Jim Bell]

Wow, you've got blinds AND a dog gaurd/load restraint. Volvo's are just so we'll designed nose to fucking tail. I must do a walk through of the Saab too.

[inconsistant]

Next, a look in the frontal carspace area. Leccy passenger seats, but only partially working:

 

 

Tiny curved treelined glovebox with a nice little twin pen holder in the top left corner:

 

 

AND LOOK AT THAT CENTRE CONSOLE!!!!!111!!!!!!! That's wider than the mother-in-law, who is very wide indeed.

 

 

Lovely simple elegant dashboard area. The simplicity of this makes me very happy indeed. I hate modern dashboards.

 

 

Look at the rented GrandLand Kiss in comparison:

 

 

How hateful is that? What a mess.

 

Lots of tree and cow in the Volvo. 

 

 

and a prominent elbow rest.

 

 

Do a little flipsy, and a pair of crumpet rests appear

 

 

Do another flipsy and the crumpet holders become a mega crumpet holder and you get a flat area for placing jars of pate, lemon curd, baked bean tins or dirty peanut butter flavoured raspberry filth.

 

 

And what could possibly be under the next flap? Well, if all this talk of crumpets is starting to really get you going man and you feel a bit hot under the collar then thank goodness the previous owner left these in the storage area below:

 

 

but also there's a fully not functioning car phone! Bring Bring, it's for you...

 

 

Around the other side there's drivers leccy seats with memories

 

 

A button panel, cow, tree and brushed mineral door handles

 

 

A steering wheel with built in Yes/No decision making apparatus and cruise control

 

 

Two things that make my other half very happy indeed: heated seats and 'hotter my side than your side' controls.

 

 

And a 6D changer with 3-CH, Off and PLII buttons.

 

 

 

 

 

[inconsistant]

And now the outside. Here's the engine, It's conveniently placed under the bonnet just below the windscreen. It's a common rail diesel,

 

 

I guess this must be the common rail? 

 

 

I can't see a battery, so maybe that was one of the things in the wooferhole under the boot floor.

 

The headlights are a bit foggy, it would be nice to sharpen these up but not sure how or even if it's worth the bother?

 

 

 

 

The wheels are a bit shabby too, again it would be nice to make them look lovely but it's an £800 car so not sure it's worth it. Will probably look to source a couple of replacement dust caps at some point and I'll have a go at fitting them. 

 

 

 

 

 

Two of the tyres are good, the others will need replacing presently, but not necessary just yet I don't think.

 

 

 

 

 

Shark skin technology. If only all technology could be this evocatively named. I have total faith in it, despite not having any idea what it is or what it does.

 

 

A little bit of a dent/repair/whatevs above the rear drivers side arch, but looks a lot worse with the reflection of a GRANDLAND KISS in it.

 

 

 

And finally, the Autoshiteness of the car is confirmed by a previous owner fix for a damaged rubber door seal that was causing annoying wind noise. The window still works ok so I think it should stay really.

 

 

That's all. I FUCKING LOVE THIS CAR!!!

[DSdriver]

WTF is the DSTC switch?

[The Moog]

WTF is the DSTC switch?

Dangerous Sticky toasted crumpets button - alerts other road users to baked goods on board

[dozeydustman]

Raspberry infused cashew nut butter. What fuckery is this??

 

 

Mr Barry Jim Wilson Shitpeas-Bell does strike me down as an unusual person.

[Tamworthbay]

DSTC = Didn’t see the cyclist? It helps you bury the body and cleans the blood off the bonnet.

[inconsistant]

WTF is the DSTC switch?

Dualit Shiney Toaster Connected

[bigstraight6]

Dangerous Sticky toasted crumpets button - alerts other road users to baked goods on board

Surely it’s grilled bread products!

[Minimad5]

You top buying bastard.

I mean that in a nice way...

Anyway that is well spec'd, and even more points for it being a manual (had a geartronic and was waiting for it to die, as they all do)

I'd love another.

 

I have a set - minus 1 cylinder, of injector mounting kits.

Under tray (which covers the sump etc)

And some other bits and pieces- One being a cup holder for the centre piece, next to the handbrake.

All available, if you're interested in throwing me ££ + postage.

[The Moog]

Surely it’s grilled bread products!

They might be cold. They are baked first and then we have the pleasure of grilling at home and adding marmite

[anonymous user]

That does look rather nice.

[Springer]

Well bought sir! The dark beast does look rather tasty!

 

That must be about the highest spec around at the time.

[Lankytim]

I love our V70 but it's an absolute boggo spec one with plenty of adventures under it's belt, hence it's a bit bashed about.  I'd love a nice shiny example like this one but then I'd be afraid to load it up with shite for the tip etc!

[Lankytim]

You top buying bastard.

I mean that in a nice way...

Anyway that is well spec'd, and even more points for it being a manual (had a geartronic and was waiting for it to die, as they all do)

I'd love another.

 

I have a set - minus 1 cylinder, of injector mounting kits.

Under tray (which covers the sump etc)

And some other bits and pieces- One being a cup holder for the centre piece, next to the handbrake.

All available, if you're interested in throwing me ££ + postage.

 

 

Actually, I could be interested in those if Inconsistant doesn't need them!

[paulplom]

 Had our 2006 silver 2.4d for 10 years now. It has 120k miles on it now and the interior is as good as when I bought it at 40k. No wear on the leather or anything. Seems to average 48-50 per tankful no matter how it's driven. Never ftp'd although it did need a new clutch slave cylinder where the gearbox has to come off, we also put a new clutch it at this point. Serviced every year at the mot. It is very heavy on the brakes although I do drag a caravan with it in the summer. It seems to get brakes every year in fact. I drove it down the west coast of France 7 years ago and did 800 miles without stopping other than the ferry. I was hallucinating towards the end. I filled up with 50 miles to go, so in theory it'll do over 800 to a tank. I had it up to 130mph on a very straight motorway at 4am. The car was still pulling but I lost my bottle. I was also flashed at about 120mph as I eased up which kind of put a dampner on my trip but I never heard anything back thank feck.

 There's nothing at all out there that appeals or could do the work this can so effortlessly. New technology=unreliability. I'm hoping it'll keep going for many years to come.

 Everything still work although the bodywork is a bit battled scarred. It does live in a pub carpark after all.

[Rod/b]

Did anyone watch the S^2C bake off on C4 last week?

 

They made CHOCOLATE Crumpets.

 

CHOCOLATE!!!

 

I know it's for charity, but have a word!

My television was lucky to escape unscathed. Paul Hollywood had better watch his back though - I WILL FIND HIM.

[Shirley Knott]

Nice!

 

I've promised myself one of these next to replace the 940 and have lusted after them for a loooong time! The only thing that puts me off is slightly less room in the boot than the 940 (Still ample though) and also the comparative mind-bending complexity of them. No chance of doing a timing belt alone in a couple of hours on a Saturday morning with one of these...

 

The D5 is a great engine, I had a brief experience with one in a manual S80 before my Autoshite days but bottled it soon after purchase as I spent the whole time worrying about what could go wrong. Probably the best diesel engine I've ever driven though and at the time I remember being amazed by it's performance and how pleasant it was to drive.

[shedenvy]

I've just picked up a set of those wheels for £80.  They sort of fit the eggs-type.  If you're interested I could take some photos.  May be there are a couple in better nick than yours.  I would happily do a swap if you're close enough.

[Tomtation]

Top fucking buying, that! What a lot of convenient features, stuff of a shiters dreams.

 

Since we've had our 740, which the OH loves, i've been trying to persuade to replace the BORING kia for a modern ovlov estate, especially if a juicy LPG converted petrol can be found

 

French toast crumpets, now there's a thought! We're sadly crumpet-deficient today... But do have muffins!

[Tetleysmooth]

I like the way they've put the engine under the bonnet and just below the screen.

 

I can see that catching on.

[Dead_E23]

Another thoughtful feature of these that I miss is the springy plastic parking ticket holder in the driver's corner of the windscreen that prevents pay and display tickets blowing into the passenger footwell as you close the door, like they always fucking do.

[forddeliveryboy]

It's a very nice car. A bit more leggy than I would usually go for but this one looks to have been well maintained by previous owners with lots spent and replaced, so although it's not perfect and I realise there are no guarantees it will be reliable, I'm hoping it will last us for the next few months until we decide what to do longer term.

I've driven a 440,000 mile one of these which went better than most sub-150k versions, the word is the higher mileage the better, so often the case with decent cars. Yours looks a fine buy!

 

I was a concerned about the whole common fail stuff with the one I found but I see second hand HP pumps are well under £100 and bolt on easily, no faffing about with coding and laptops. Handy in case I get the veg mix wrong. Apart from an injector and intercooler (about £200 each for new parts fitted by the local Volvo man) the one in the family has been a paragon of reliability.

[Felly Magic]

Yoy just missed put on the huge gathering at Bruntingthorpe, the SVM would have had a major kyoghurt truck crash in their pants

[inconsistant]

I didnt realise it was on the same day I collected this from Cambridge otherwise I might just have popped straight over there with it. The videos look awesome.

 

I reckon we could do an Autoshite equivalent: the Chod600. Highest number of old unloved cars consecutively failing to start on driveways across the nation, unable to make it to a planned meeting on a disused airfield in the East Midlands. Who’s in?

[NorthernMonkey]

...and also the comparative mind-bending complexity of them. No chance of doing a timing belt alone in a couple of hours on a Saturday morning with one of these...

 

 

Timing belt replacement on the D5 is dead straightforward...a hour or so, tops.

[rantingYoof]

I've driven a 440,000 mile one of these which went better than most sub-150k versions, the word is the higher mileage the better, so often the case with decent cars. Yours looks a fine buy!

 

When I had the S60 and was part of the main Faceache group, the ONLY people reporting constant issues with their D5s were ones bought as 'low mileage minters'. It was quite telling that a lot of the serial Volvo owners purposefully sought out cars that had done 20-25k a year for 10yrs rather than garage-stored weekend only examples...the D5 really likes and needs a lot of use to avoid all the TADTS issues arising.

[inconsistant]

The Grandland Kiss has gone back (thank goodness, horrible looking thing, and huge. It dwarfed the V70 but at the same time seemed surprisingly small inside. I couldn't have been less interested in it. I couldn't even be bothered to take it out for a spin to see what it was like, not even out of curiosity. My wife hated it, and I knew from her stories of electric handbrake, and lots of bonging and lights flashing to tell you cars were overtaking and that sort of this, that I'd hate it and it would annoy me too much. So I just ignored it and wished it gone.

 

I've done a couple of journeys in this some suburbs and some sweeping A roads, and I like it more each time I use it. It hides it's mileage so well, other than a worn brake rubber it doesn't feel much different to the previous car that had 100,000 less miles on it.

 

I've attended to a few superficial jobs, and booked it in for a service with our friendly mechanic for next week as it's due one. The handbrake hardly works at all so I'll get him to look at that too. 

 

First job, I had a go at the foggy headlights. The Youtubes suggests WD40, or toothpaste, but comments also suggest they're fairly temporary. I've got some of this in the shed:

 

 

So I thought I'd give it a try

 

Before:

 

After:

 

Before:

 

After:

 

 

That's a definite improvement, not bad for about 10mins work. The car was a bit wet so I'll go over them again when it's completely dry, and see how long it lasts. 

 

 

There's still some fogging, see above for drivers side, but it's on the inside of the plastic cover. It looks like maybe heat from the bulb or something. Hard to photograph but definitely there. The passenger side fog patch is crescent shaped around the headlight.

 

Another job... I noticed the other day after I locked the car that the fuel flap doesn't lock with the central locking and there's no manual key lock on it. I cunningly solved this problem by reading the owners manual and finding out that the fuel flap locks 5 minutes after the rest of the car, I suppose so that you can pull up at a pump, lock the car but still fill up? I consider this a successful fix anyway.

 

I have also sourced and fitted two dust caps to both passenger side wheels as they were missing. Skills.

 

I still need to work out how the memory drivers seat works, and also need to read up on the ventilation and A/C system. I do like how there's just one button to press to demist the windscreen. And the auto flip-in mirrors are useful for a particularly narrow but busy hill near us. The heated front seats are also awesome. Much better than the V40 ones, and the heat goes right up your back too. Lovely.

 

I've had a look at how to remove the glovebox so I can see what's happening to the (ex) coolant leak possibly from and not properly fixed pipe on an already replaced matrix, but had to resort to the Youtubes for help so I'll have another go at that soon. 

 

So far so good!

[Jim Bell]

That looks much improved man. Well worth ten mins.

[paulplom]

The memory seats. Get the seat to where you want it along with the wing mirrors. Hold down the 'M' button along with the number you want it stored on.

If you have 2 keys it'll remember the setting for that key. You unlock it and it'll start moving the mirrors and seat without instruction.