What makes you grin? Antidote to grumpy thread

[dave21478]

 

Verdict: Fuck Ikea, fuck their warehouse.

 

I fully endorse this statement.

 

 

The store layout seems designed specifically to fuck with your senses, like having 75 jiggawatts of lights on display making you sweat buckets as you pass through then straight into the scented candles bit which reeks like a cheap hoors pants....combined with the hot flush I am feeling this makes me want to spew every time.

 

The only one I have been to in UK was in Edinburgh. It was like fucking DisneyLand or something....with its own "Ikea Only" lanes round roundabouts to cope with the consumer horde which must be big enough to have gridlocked the area previously. It also has a really stupid parking system...are they all like this in UK? You park up and go in to buy your chipboard and candles, then come out and find your trolley wont fit past some bollards, so you have to go and get your car and bring it to another separate carpark with about 50 spaces which is for loading only which you can access with your trolley. Fine if you are there with your missus, but what if you were foolish enough to go on your own, are you expected to just leave your trolley full of paid-for flatpack unattended while you get your car and queue up to get into the loading bit? And thats a bloody farce that tests my blood pressure as I wait, watching folks try to park then try to load up their cars..... The one in Toulouse is just a normal deal with a multi-storey carpark you take your trolley out to and load up your car at your leisure.

 

Last time I was there I was so stressed by the whole ordeal that I got a nose bleed. I never get nose bleeds normally but something triggered it. I was sitting eating my bollocks and jam in the cafeteria and it was fucking mobbed with kids running wild everywhere and it was just like turning on a tap....suddenly blood was literally pouring out my snout. Napkins were soon overcome so I tipped out my drink and used the cup to catch it and went to the bogs. I ended up standing with my hands on the wall leaning over the pan and just letting it flow...feck knows how much I lost but when it finally stopped I felt dizzy as hell. I cleaned up and told the Mrs she was on her own and I retreated to the car and went to sleep.

[cms206]

I love Ikea though I suspect I'm in the minority... I now know my way round the one at Braehead, which is ideal 'cos the first time I went I'm pretty sure I went in to Braehead and came out the one in Newcastle.

[Skizzer]

This, from the Grump thread:

 

Last night my self-medication got the better of me, according to ebay apparently I have bought and paid for a set of ex TFL Traffic Lights and set of Pelican Crossing lights. I suppose I could put them at the bottom of the drive so I can get out in the morning, or more probably I shall give them to my brother for Christmas;as  I'm pretty sure they will be something he hasn't already got.

 

I also bought an illuminated Taxi roof sign, a BP gallon measuring jug and inexplicably a CD with sounds from the beach, (Seagulls and wave sounds rather than "Chardonnay get off them rocks and eat your ice-cream)

 

Outstanding effort!  

 

Together with the chopping board polybushing, yesterday was a vintage day in Shiteland.

[Lord Sterling]

I worked at Ikea for a couple of days last year. I had to, on my own, sort out thier 2 storage sheds. One was a properly built metal shed similar to where I store my cars. The other one was a crappy poly-tunnel type affair. It was one of the hottest days of the year and going into there to bring out wood/metal things was like walking into a Sauna.

 

The staff were pretty good, asking if I was Ok and bringing out suncream/very cold cups of water.

 

Then I was asked to work there during thier staff Christmas party. It was one of the worst jobs I'd ever had. Never again.

[Slappy]

I've seen a Vauxhall VXR8 (that's 1 of the Holden ones) being used in Chichester as a taxi. A bit different from the norm. Found it on a forum and it's been LPG'd fortunately for the owner.

 

Not a bad office I guess!

[Mr Livered]

I've seen a Vauxhall VXR8 (that's 1 of the Holden ones) being used in Chichester as a taxi. A bit different from the norm. Found it on a forum and it's been LPG'd fortunately for the owner.

What, just working for a local cab company? So customers who ring for a taxi don't know if they're going to get a diesel Skoda or whatever, or a VXR8?

 

That's fantastic: they could do airport runs and specialise in people who are in danger of missing their plane. I'm having fun imagining a stereotypical taxi driver, with wooden bead seat cover and an air freshener dangling from the rear view mirror, hitting the accelerator and getting to 60mph in under five seconds whilst he tells you about UKIP or whatever.

[Tayne]

You really need to see the French film, Taxi.

[Mr Livered]

Yes, that film is definitely on my "been meaning to watch for ages but for some reason haven't got round to it yet" list.

[320touring]

You really need to see the French film, Taxi.

Ces't super:)

[dollywobbler]

It really is. I need to see it again.

[320touring]

I fear that may be the sum total of what i achieve when i get back to the house..

 

*buys white 406 v6*

[Slappy]

That(/those) 406s and this would make make for a fine garage. And Marion Cotillard.

 

I think he works independently, doesn't have any markings of a local company from what I can tell, but Gatwick and Heathrow really are not that far away, especially in this!

 

Here's the Vaux...Holden in question http://www.hsv.org.uk/topic.asp?p=1&f=69&t=1351456&h=27

[Richard]

 

The store layout seems designed specifically to fuck with your senses, like having 75 jiggawatts of lights on display making you sweat buckets as you pass through then straight into the scented candles bit which reeks like a cheap hoors pants....combined with the hot flush I am feeling this makes me want to spew every time.

 

The only one I have been to in UK was in Edinburgh.

 

I think the Edinburgh branch is grim even by Ikea standards. The restaurant in there was the dirtiest eatery I have ever seen, and I've been to Blackpool.

[Cavcraft]

What's brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Trombones.

 

 

 

*I'll get my coat.

[wuvvum]

Driving in to Norwich this morning to see a man about a garage, I was passed by an old biddy in an immaculate blue locally-registered F-plate Hyundai Stellar.  Then on the way home I passed a middle-aged woman driving a cream-coloured Austin 3 litre.  Not bad for a Friday morning in the arse end of September.

[Vin]

I watched 'Marvellous' last night and it was, well marvellous...bonus shite content too. Beige Volvo 200 series estate, H reg MK3 Cavalier and E reg Metro too..

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b04jmx7l/marvellous

[vulgalour]

Billy's joke made me do an actual lol.  Mainly because I could imagine Tom Jones telling it.

[Bren]

I think the Edinburgh branch is grim even by Ikea standards. The restaurant in there was the dirtiest eatery I have ever seen, and I've been to Blackpool.

People travel far and wide to visit Ikea.

 

They buy meatballs.

 

I cannot understand the attraction in buying furniture that looks like it has'nt been finished.

[Timewaster]

The last time I was in ikea I very selflessly and generously helped a particularly fit bird and her mum load up a Trolley with a flat pack Wardrobe.

 

Good deed done, fit bird turns to her mum and in the gobbiest Essex accent yells "Ahma gonna get this in me fakin car?"

 

despite loitering in the car park later I didn't spot them loading up. I'd love to think it was a Ka or a Bini.

I struggled to get one in the Galaxy.

[Inspector Morose]

Driving in to Norwich this morning to see a man about a garage, I was passed by an old biddy in an immaculate blue locally-registered F-plate Hyundai Stellar.  Then on the way home I passed a middle-aged woman driving a cream-coloured Austin 3 litre.  Not bad for a Friday morning in the arse end of September.

Ah, but you missed the multi coloured '86 Metrobus though!

[eddyramrod]

On a whim, I'm looking at car chase clips on YouTube.  I've literally just been watching one that I think must be Russian, with the baddies getting away in a grey pre-facelift Sierra estate, and the cops chasing after them (and keeping up!) in...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...a red Samara!

[catsinthewelder]

I just got a clout off Ms C because she thought I'd arranged this deliberately,

[inconsistant]

ORL SOFA BEDS R SHIT

 

[Conrad D. Conelrad]

ORL SOFA BEDS R SHIT

 

IMG_3812.JPG

 

ALL VAUXHALLS ARE SIT

[Jim Bergerac]

That looks grim. I'd think I'd rather kip in a Vauxhall than on that.

[cobblers]

it looks like what you'd sit on in Jonathan James while trying on a pair of £4 trainers.

[NorfolkNWeigh]

I'm looking for a new* work car and someone suggested a 7series, they're no more than 5's usually and obviously a bit more room, only downside is the Russian Gangster image. Ridiculous stereotype,I thought......

 

This was the first one I saw on Autotrader

http://www.autotrader.co.uk/classified/advert/201409187500876/sort/atcustom/radius/1500/quicksearch/true/onesearchad/used%2Cnearlynew%2Cnew/make/bmw/usedcars/page/1/model/7_series/postcode/mk109au/maximum-age/up_to_6_years_old?logcode=p

 

Mmm, perhaps I should get a C6.

[fordperv]

Mrs fordperv has purchased a front crossmember for her rs turbo, after searching she has got a new genuine one for the price of a Taiwanese pattern one, the grin is omgnoRStax at all shock

[plasticvandan]

my 88 Polo "comet" that i got from this very forum,passed its mot yesterday after 12 years off the road,and today i just went and got its last ever tax disc (with 2 working days to spare before they dissapear) my goal was to get it on the road and get one of the last discs before they were withdrawn,happy days! once ive got it home near my digital photograph machine i will do a thread as i think there is much you will enjoy

[cort16]

I wouldn't touch one of those 7 series they're built with the ambition of the Germans (over engineered ) and have the electric system of a 2002 renault Laguna .

The a8 is much nicer and you can get the supa sweet 4.2 v8