What makes you grin? Antidote to grumpy thread

[Parky]

Roffle is a good idea - first three numbers drawn and the bonus ball or something?

[Saabnut]

Have spent the last two days trying to get the (seized) handbrake cables off my Saabo caravan, as being made of unobtanium cutting them off would involve custom made ones to replace them. Last night I ran out of patience, so this morning dug out Mr Angle Grinder to do the deed. Plugged in extension lead and angle grinder and forced my old and large body underneath. Crawled back out and donned my goggles, before painfully wedging myself underneath again. This time, I had to get back out to switch on the extension lead FFS so third time lucky. Before starting to cut, as I was so reluctant to cut them, decided that one more try would not hurt. Bugger me, the damned thing came off, and an hour later all was removed with zero damage. Looks like the threat of Mr Angle Grinder was enough in this instance, so a big grin today.

[hairnet]

A box arrived for me this afternoon...

 

IMG_20180308_170023.jpg

 

 

I need to think of a what to do with these...

IMG_20180308_170255.jpg

IMG_20180308_170244.jpg

 

 

[Five arrived, I'm keeping one. So four spare. Competition or something?]

Swap for a NZ mug with either a fan tail a tui or s pukeko on it?

[cort1977]

Mug roffle would be good and better for domestic relations...

[DVee8]

Heading off out in a hour or so to see Skid Row at the O2 Academy Newcastle.

They were excellent,very loud,very fast.Played all the early stuff over a 2 hour set,the best Quicksand Jesus I have heard.Started with Slave to the grind,straight in there very loud.Finished with Youth gone wild.

 

If it's your type of music.go and see Skid Row..

[wuvvum]

Maybe today I'll be glad to be in a Boxer rather than a Crafter...

That is not a sentence that I imagine you would utter very often.

[eddyramrod]

Mug roffle would be good and better for domestic relations...

Mug Roffle?  I'm in!

[Guest Hooli]

Having browsed around AS tonight this is making me chuckle quite a lot http://autoshite.com/topic/30553-the-new-news-24-thread/?p=1447246

[Tadhg Tiogar]

They were excellent,very loud,very fast.Played all the early stuff over a 2 hour set,the best Quicksand Jesus I have heard.Started with Slave to the grind,straight in there very loud.Finished with Youth gone wild.

 

If it's your type of music.go and see Skid Row..

I can sort of remember they had some success in the UK chart with this:

 

http://youtu.be/8O317T6Zlno

[Datsuncog]

I need to think of a what to do with these...

 

[Five arrived, I'm keeping one. So four spare. Competition or something?]

 

Deffo up for a mug roffle.

 

I knocked the handle off my Belle & Sebastian mug (owned since 1999) the other week, and only the outside chance of winning a gen-yew-ine AutoShite mug might dry my copious salty tears.

 

I'm down to only my Haynes Cortina III mug, or else ones with cats on.

 

34 and 18, please!!

[Tadhg Tiogar]

Spreadsheet for mug roffle numbers, please!

[Eddie Honda]

I'll take it over to a new thread to discuss how to approach this as I have a few things to resolve.

[Datsuncog]

These showed up today, to my delight.

 

 

Course, wet muddy cat immediately jumped up onto them, sullying the lovely cream covers with grime... still, probably a grin on balance. Top writing.

[Wack]

Legit parking

[Wack]

.

[johngarty]

This Amazon review for Veet made me smile 

 

Customer Review

5.0 out of 5 starsVeet -- the Men's Hair Removal Gel Creme (from hell) . . .

ByJohn W. Osborne Jr.on 30 July 2012

 

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.

Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.

I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg.

Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.

I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.

This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.

The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good "

Understandingly this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.

I can understand that having a sprout farted against your head at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...

So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect....... :-

 

[Coprolalia]

Overnight multiple site working is generally a bit grim, but the driving empty roads between them listening to heavy metal never gets old.

[MorrisItalSLX]

I did my first hand brake turn today.

 

And my second.

 

And my third.

 

And my fourth.

 

You get the picture.

 

(In my mate's 2000 Holden Astra)

[MorrisItalSLX]

We also traveled down some very unsutable roads that contained the worlds largest speed bumps, we got air!

[Bren]

Heading back from Southport on Wednesday night there were roadworks near the petrol station at Dingle Bells. Cones and a "keep right" sign due to a contraflow.

I had been stuck behind some bellends not capable of driving anything approaching the legal limit. The lights changed and the driver at the front hesitated and turned left, followed bybthe two cars behind!

 

The guy at the other end was flashing for them to come through - thick twat at the front thought it was a diversion, even thicker twats behind followed him.

 

I swear something genetic is attacking humanity as people are turning into fucking vegetables. No wonder I don't go out any more

[Exiled_Tat_Gatherer]

We also traveled down some very unsutable roads that contained the worlds largest speed bumps, we got air!

 

I handed in my notice at a smaller networks company back in the day...... boss was ex army, I was ex RAF and he still held a stupid grudge for all the same unknown reasons.... he made my life a misery in that place. He then started ranting when I said I was off - refused 4weeks notice, pay etc... threatened all sorts of things. I had witnesses and promptly walked out and drove home. He was screaming abuse down the phone, onto voicemail so I had a record, within seconds. I played it for a lawyer who contacted him.....

In the meantime I took the company Vectra SRi out and ragged the absolute titz off it around the local lanes, including practicing my jturns, handbrake turns and a well know hump back bridge for jumping. Best time of my life and it was given back absolutely fooked whilst looking OK.

Childish, immature, you name it....... but I still laugh about it with a former colleague I'm still mates with. Grinning now!

 

He deserved it - the twat

 

** On another (todays fleet) note - little compressor pushed into action last night, both SAAB and Lada tyres inflated and holding air, so slow leaks apparently. Kind of a grin..... Lada leads and plugs swapped, no joy..... FUEL thinks I, so fresh pez in and a wee while later, using earlier compressor, jump start help, it coughed into life! Running like shit, carb is either blocked with detritus or needs an overhaul..... but she's alive - just on a ventilator for now.

[richardthestag]

i know there is a youtoob fred and all that but this 10 second clip made me spit me tea oot

 

https://youtu.be/QNj2nab6mFs?t=4m50s

[purplebargeken]

Yeah, white line dancing guy was pretty bloody funny

[Frogchod]

I had an interesting morning at work. Tracing an electrical fault meant going into the houses garage.

This was in there:

Race wheels and spare engines all over the place. Boxes of GT40 bits too, I think the car is a Ford C100.

Sadly the house owner has Alzheimer's so couldn't communicate coherently

[NorfolkNWeigh]

This afternoon I took Mrs N's ML to get the windows tinted - I'm a chav- sue me!

 

Anyway, I had an hour to kill so wandered off around the industrial estate to a cafe attached to a ' Business Centre' I soon noticed that there were a couple of young women of a certain type, you know magic marker eyebrows and puffed up lips etc, all wearing coats. Then a slightly older woman in a dressing gown barely covering underwear came in for a coffee. I didn't know where to look( well I did, obviously)

My new favourite cafe even though the coffee was crap. Turns out the studios of Babestation are in that business centre!

[taxi paul]

^^^^ I clicked to like the story. Not that I know or watch babe station obviously ahem.

[fordperv]

Next time you go see if you can take an inflatable whale or something for them to bounce on

[anonymous user]

Next time you go back, take them some decent coffee

[purplebargeken]

Was that in Milton Keynes by any chance

[purplebargeken]

Was out and about yesterday and spotted an absolute total minter of a Ctroen Ami in beige on an L plate. It was better than new, it really was. 

 

However, there was a gouge in the rear 1/4 panel about 3" long, quite fresh looking, bare metal and no rust. I hope whoever did it 'fessed up. Such a shame.

 

The rest of the car was simply gorgeous and put a big smile on my face.