Project Memoirs: No lighty = No likey

[Split_Pin]

At first I thought you'd bought a LEYLAND Hippo, which for £500 would have been quite the bargain.

Fair play on the collection, sure you'll have it ship-shape in no time.

Mini looks fantastic BTW.

[rob88h]

In the world of AutoShite, this green softroader is more appealing to me than that mint Rav4 was.
The grim factor is high with this one. 

[J-T]

I had a 50th anniversary L-series diesel one of these in about 2010. I have to say it was a festering sack of shit that leaked like fuck, shat it’s VCU in my tenure (course it did - don’t reverse on full lock) so had the prop removed for ‘economy’, replaced every window regulator due to their propensity for self immolation, would randomly have all instruments fail requiring a hard slap to the top of the dash to ‘fix’ and shat its starter motor. Despite that, I still quite liked it.

Unfortunately I didn’t learn as I currently have an elderly Range Rover that has many many ‘inactive’ components but excelled itself recently whereby another shiter was meant to be coming to look at it with an intention to purchase, which, due to both our schedules took a fair amount of organising over a few weeks. I took it to get it washed the night before and on the way back, it shat a rear brake line at the top of my road about 5 days before its MOT was due. It’s currently sat on the drive in disgrace, as it was a few weeks earlier albeit sat on its arse after an air strut failed. Despite all that, I still quite like it.

Good luck with it, you will most likely need it. Look forward to seeing how you get on 

[High Jetter]

4 hours ago, BorniteIdentity said:

"Hello?  Yes I appear to have bought a 27 year old Land Rover of my own free will.  You can't help?  Oh"

Great write-up, glad you made it home without taxi involvement.

[BorniteIdentity]

5 hours ago, rob88h said:

In the world of AutoShite, this green softroader is more appealing to me than that mint Rav4 was.
The grim factor is high with this one. 

It's a weird phenomenon isn't it? I remember literally willing my Avensis to break at one stage so I could fix it.  I remember almost celebrating when I had to put a new radiator in on 225,000 miles!  

I guess hobby cars are supposed to present the odd challenge and, whilst I will always love Toyotas, I think what I'm most seeking for in life is MORE HEARTBREAK.

[BorniteIdentity]

6 hours ago, BorniteIdentity said:

 

 

Das internet reliably informs me these lights are called The Three Amigos

and can be caused by a simple brake switch under the pedal.

Then again, das internet also told me that there are hot single moms looking for sex in my area.  I'm fucked if I ever found one of them...

[Noel Tidybeard]

On 22/08/2024 at 13:51, somewhatfoolish said:

Has it had its viscous coupling removed "for economy" and not at all because the intermediate gear thing has minced itself?

my b-i-l that was indeed removed for eco- after he rebuilt/changed transfer case*

 

*that and he's a cheapskate with fuel

[BorniteIdentity]

Garages are busy at the moment amirite?  I visited three favoured garages yesterday with the broken hippo - the first said "third week of September"... the second said they're not taking any bookings at the moment and the final one inferred they're not particularly keen.  I then remembered there's a highly respected LR garage about 10 miles away.  How refreshing to hear someone on the end of the phone who's genuinely enthusiastic about the car?  It was wonderful.

Anyway, it's booked there for two weeks' time.  They helped me get an MOT booked which was both a blessing and a curse.

Ready?  You ain't even ready.

Only surprise there is the other bit of welding.  When I was clambering underneath it I didn't notice the offside rear issue.  Other things are trivial and I think it's been tested quite firmly too.  

Anyway, off to the specialist this afternoon and we'll pay the bill when it's done.

[loserone]

That is looking good man, top stones.

[beko1987]

Doesn't seem an awfully scary fail for a freelander! Lots of the fails seem to be related to a couple of things, hopefully it's just one wallet rape for that and the tyres and it'll be nice and reliable for a while

 

😂

[320touring]

Fair play in fixing it!

It'd be doing a passable impersonation of a skip at mine - fill it then bin it.

 

Never really been a fan but the V6 ones sounded nice

[BorniteIdentity]

5 hours ago, 320touring said:

Fair play in fixing it!

It'd be doing a passable impersonation of a skip at mine - fill it then bin it.

 

Never really been a fan but the V6 ones sounded nice

For me, they have a key place in the automotive story, and I drove one as a very wet-behind-the-ears 17 year old, so I do like them. The first ones look suitably interesting these days too.

I’m preparing myself as best I can for a fucker of a bill that makes no sense to anyone; least of all me. 

That’s cars for you though 😐

[Marm Toastsmith]

On 24/08/2024 at 07:57, BorniteIdentity said:

I think it's fair to say that the seller of the Freelander thought, and probably still thinks, I'm a raving mentalist.  Come to think of it, I also think that. 

Yes, most of us have pushed our luck with collection missions.  Some of us have shown flagrant disregard for the rules of the highway whilst doing so.  But, as I arrived in a town I've been mispronouncing for the last 20 years, even I came to the uncomfortable realisation that I'd probably fucked up with this one.

All the signs were there.

"Hello?  Yes I appear to have bought a 27 year old Land Rover of my own free will.  You can't help?  Oh"

Let's rewind to the start of the morning.  Barrier didn't open, train was late.  Tube barrier didn't open.  Second train cancelled, barrier didn't open.  (It was at this point I realised I'd bought a ticket for the wrong day).  The train from Paddington to Exeter was absolutely heaving with people who should have been on the earlier train, as well as holiday makers and the great unwashed.  Ignoring the indicator scheme above the seats, I parked my arse and managed to inhabit the same chair for 95% of the journey - only getting up to admire one of UK railway's greatest views.

Disembarking at Teignmouth, there wasn't a taxi to be seen.  Uber doesn't seem to have reached this part of the world, so Shank's pony it was.  At first I couldn't work out why the 1.25 mile walk was timing out at 40 minutes.  I'm fat, but not that slow.  Then I remembered why everyone in Devon has intimidating calf muscles.

Still, there was plenty to admire along 15% incline.

I eventually arrived at the vendor's house, resplendent with underboob sweat and a perspiring head. Eyeball Eyeball!

He'd gone out for the day, and left me the most incredibly detailed instructions (across four separate WhatsApp messages) as to where the key was.  POT IN OLD LAND ROVER would have done it.  I let myself in and the car very, very lazily stumbled into life.  One was not reassured by this recalcitrant beginning to our relationship but, when 220 miles from home with no other return transport, what is to be done other than persevere?  

The slight blow in the exhaust was a little fruitier than I would have liked - not quite baritone but certainly a tenor of Pavarotti's range.  Bile raised into my throat.  I don't mind a naughty exhaust, but I don't really want two parts of the pipe doing a BENNIFER on the M5 and becoming mutually exclusive.  Bollocks.

Finally - this bit.

That, my pedigree chum, is a fucking understatement.  The sound that awaits you when you turn the wheel more than about 30 degrees can only be compared to that of a Tom and Jerry cartoon when the cat is smashed around the head by a 20ft scaffolding pole.  It is a deafening metallic clang which splits your head open and sticks tin foil on your fillings.  Horrendous.

I sat for all of 10 seconds wondering what the fuck to do before just letting the clutch up and heading off.  Every turn at every junction made me think the whole thing was about to collapse, but very gradually I made it to the M5.  Progress, on a Bank Holiday weekend, was sedate.  Perfect.  In fact - until I needed to use the brakes - everything was just spiffing.  And then it wasn't.  The brakes were soggy, even by Classic Mini standards, but this was frightening.  After 5 minutes of the journey I thought I'd really give the brakes both feet to see if that woke them up.  Instead the ABS, TCS and Descent lights all came on and stayed on for the rest of the journey.

Eventually, I reached the dizzy heights of 55mph where the car genuinely felt like it was going to shake itself to death.  Initially, I thought it was the diff shitting itself but, upon the taking of brave pills, I got the thing up to 70mph and all was well.  I'm assuming that the 10 year old, unbalanced Jinyu Tyres, were to blame because at certain speeds the wheel shakes and at other speeds the seat shakes.  

I got 70 miles in and thought it time to stop for some petrol and wine gums.  I left it this long in order to try and get some charge into the battery, but the needle was dropping and my thirst growing.  A full tank of motorway service station fuel is probably my biggest flex of the year so far.  "Sorry kids - no inheritance will be payable upon death - Dad once bought a full 50 litres of unleaded from Sedgemoor Services and the estate is being sold to pay the debt".  Fortunately, the hippo growled back into life immediately and we were, once again, on our way.

The rest of the journey was rather uneventful.  By the time I reached Heathrow the smell of gas was overwhelming (the exhaust splitting, not my rectum) so it became a toss up between having the window open and smelling eggs or having the windows closed and being fed undiluted Carbon Monoxide straight into my lungs.

As I left the A1 I'd gone from selling the car immediately by raffle and cutting my losses - to feeling a genuine affinity with it.  After all, it'd got me 200 miles through bank holiday traffic with no overheating and very little drama.  Then, driving in a straight line went from being difficult to almost impossible.  I've never seen a car list around like a yacht unless piloted by the inebriated, but it was pitching violently around to the point of nearly causing car sickness.  Nonetheless, we stumbled into my neighbour's driveway 6 hours later and I gave it a little pat on the arse as I walked away to drink gin.

Gin, by the way, is what got me into this fucking mess.

I'm still formulating a plan.  It needs welding, and I'm a bit embarrassed to present it for a test.  But sometimes the MOT list provides the clearest 'to do list'.  The clang is, according to my esteemed chum Craig, a drop link.  The exhaust is the exhaust and the wandering maybe an ARB?  As for the brakes? Meh.  Can't be anything too complicated, right?

Nonetheless, at £500 I'm happy.  It's the basis of a lovely car.

 

Bloody hell, you were just around the corner! There are pictures of my road in that post - and I nearly bought that Rover!

[BorniteIdentity]

(Another) one in!

After the fucking debacle of the LR Freelander I needed some wheels and quick.  Fortunately, we once again live in times where quick wheels can be had for a few days' pay. 

I spent the morning teasing my Ukrainian lady friend that I'd bought a soviet basket case.

Yeah.  For some reason she has this whole anti-Russian thing going on.  Fucked if I know why.  Touchy woman syndrome no doubt.

Anyway, the train journey from SDY to CCH was a doddle and three hours later I was swept by Jaaaag to this little Swedish number.

The drive home was effortless.  It's true what they say about Saab; nobody makes armchairs like they do.  The turn of speed isn't at all what you'd expect from a remapped, 280hp saloon.  It doesn't hit you in the gut or make a fuss, it just hitches up its skirt (swiftly) and is off.  The turn of speed from 30-100 70 is alarming.  It is a totally effortless affair.

I'm not making long term commitments to cars any more, it's cost me too much money over the years.  For now the plan is to refuel (frequently - although 35mpg on a run is fair enough) and stick it in for a test come November.  First job is to make the Handbrake actually brake and find out when the oil needs changing.  

Really pleased with it but then, who wouldn't be? Piloting this home on an Autumnal night.

 

 

 

[Erebus]

Very nice.  ATCNBE!

[tooSavvy]

@BorniteIdentity.. nice ✔️

I watched some random Utoob with two young lads - in a SAAB T - hunting down a guy in an M5 and they couldn't be shaken off.. so so...

I couldn't get past the Speedo needle pointing straight down 😲

Ace

🚙💨

[Crackers]

1 hour ago, BorniteIdentity said:

find out when the oil needs changing.  

I'm really glad you're pleased with it. I certainly missed those squidgy armchairs when I got in the Jag this morning 😢

The oil was last done at 178.5k if I remember correctly - hopefully I wrote it in the book. Should be 185k ish for the next one if you keep on the 6k intervals. The genuine Saab oil is available pretty cheaply on ebay  👍

1 hour ago, BorniteIdentity said:

Piloting this home on an Autumnal night.

And this dashboard lighting is one of my all time favourite colour schemes. Damnit why did I sell this?! 

[Erebus]

I'd love a Saab at some point and that one looked a cracker (no pun intended), especially for the bargain price

[Vantman]

@BorniteIdentity  Smart move--smart Saab!

[CaptainBoom]

Top work sir, may all your journeys be comfortable and swift!

[BorniteIdentity]

22 hours ago, Erebus said:

Very nice.  ATCNBE!

Lovely condition despite increasing age, goes like the fucking clappers and makes an amazing noise when you wind it up. 

[BorniteIdentity]

I currently own four cars, and there have been others that have flown the nest over the previous few months.  Of all of them, the lowest owner car is - bizarrely - the oldest.  I struggle to comprehend that I've owned it for eight years now.  Eight and a half, actually!

Its role has now really been relegated to tip-wagon.  It's far too shit to take to shows, too shit to be used as a commuter.  I'm going to stick the back seats down, cut some carpet to fit and just use it to bang about in locally.  By sticking it out on the road, I'm 100x more likely to use it than when it's parked around the back.  And anyway - the Hippo is beached there at the moment anyway.

I think I will rationalise further next year.  I could do with something really useful like a Peugeot Partner or even a larger van derived car.  Unless I can find another garage to rent (and I've been on the waiting list for two years now) it might be fairer to find the Sierra somewhere dry to see out its days.  It's definitely deteriorating, and quite badly, which is not nice to see.  

But if I can find a (rare) house with a double or tandem garage, or even a car-port - then it could feasibly stay.  It's not about money, at all, just having somewhere safe and dry for it to sit.

Next jobs for the Sierra are battery (I'm going to pilfer the new one off of the Mini) - fit full length of exhaust and I might even ask the garage if they'll have a go at fitting the towbar I bought for it.  That would make it very useful indeed.

[BorniteIdentity]

Two long years. 24 months. But finally, it’s happened. Only by complete chance, by (somehow) managing to talk to a human being at South Cambs District Council and by accepting it’ll have to be 25 minutes away…. 

… but it’s happened. And quickly. Within 48 hours actually. So quickly I don’t actually have anything to put in it. Yet.

4.8 x 2.4 and £17 a week, but it’s dry and in a lovely village. 

What will go in it? How shit will it be?! Tune in to the new series of Memoirs from the Hard Shoulder to find out. Coming soon to a late night slot on a regional, digital only tv service near you. Sometime. But only if your new wideband aerial is pointing the right way. 

[High Jetter]

£17 a week? That's cheep.

[timolloyd]

Sounds like a bargain for a dry secure garage. I’ve had a couple like this. They can be adapted to be very useful, for example by installing a discreet solar panel and running a trickle charger for whatever is inside.

[Tommyboy12]

That's pretty cheap! My council garage is often full of junk!

[BorniteIdentity]

Can I pick your brain? 

The Sierra has been out and about over the past few weeks, being incredibly useful.  It's done 2 tip runs and taken my son mountain bicycling with very little drama.

Two things though.

1.  The ratchet style clutch adjuster has, I'm certain, snapped.  The clutch is low.  This is the second I've had let go.  Long term support mechanic @alf892seems to think there's a demodification with a MK4/5 Cortina cable which has the adjuster at the bellhousing end.  Can anyone confirm this?  Any help pointing at parts would be helpful.  

2.  Headlights.  I've got no dipped lights at the front.  It's either side lights illuminated on both stages of the switch, or headlights if I flash.  Make sense?  I did wonder if it was the switch stalk but the tail lights come on, so I'm wondering if it's something either stupidly simple or a bit more sinister.  I doubt very much both bulbs blew at the same time in complete unison, as they both worked on the Friday night and not on the Saturday.

Any help gratefully appreciated as I'm moving house in a couple of weeks and this will be doing the majority of the heavy lifting (!)

 

[reb]

On 30/08/2024 at 19:23, BorniteIdentity said:

17 year old

You've somehow made be feel old by making me have the thought process of "oh he's younger than I thought *does maths* nope he's the age I thought he was but cars which I think of as new very much aren't"

[mk2_craig]

9 minutes ago, BorniteIdentity said:

dipped lights

Possibly some sort of relay. Depending on the year 80s Fords had a slightly complicated dim-dip system which I think varies the brightness of one light if the bulb on the other failed. Might be something amiss in this department, but check through the fuses first. 

[Jenson Velcro]

I have had both dip beams blow at the same time. Unusual but not impossible.