Tropes you see on the road

[Metal Guru]

  On 27/10/2023 at 16:03, warch said:

One of my first memories is of a special treat for me and my brother when I was 3 or 4 and my brother was 2 or 3. My Mum and Dad both worked so we went to stay with a local farmer's wife during the day, and as it was a nice day she'd got a paddling pool for us to play in. I was a bit slower than my brother to get my trunks on so he was already in the pool when I came out. I almost got in before I realised he had company. It was huge, how he'd managed to contain that beforehand was and is still beyond me

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I don’t think I could go down a water slide after watching the Inbetweeners 2 movie.

[Cavcraft]

Mr 'One life, live it'.  Extolls the virtues of LandRovers. Spends almost  every waking hour welding/repairing/rewiring his shit-tip Discovery. Big winch on the front bumper for 'recovering shit Japanese 4x4s' but actually used to drag his own car out of 3 inches of water. 22" wheels with ridiculous knobbly tyres. Drives and handles as well as riding a Hungdo Quim Trim 49cc scooter off the top of Niagara Falls with a spunk stained mattress strapped to your back. Just like Mr V DubBore will tire your bollocks off in front of your eyes  as he tells you how great 'Landys' are.  Wears camo trousers and a reflective mud stained jacket year round. Desperate to pull someone's broken down car back from the Co-op so he can dazzle half of Europe with the wanky lightbar cable tied to the grille, so he can post it all over the internet.  When driving on the road it sounds like a swarm of thousands of hungry bees and a tank that's about to explode at the same time. Has another  half stripped Discovery and fifteen broken gearboxes in his front garden.  Uses £300's worth of diesel driving to his job working nights as a security guard watching Gilf videos on PornHub, instead of watching the monitors in the yard. Offers to help looking for missing goldfish with his mates from the off-road club. Posts 10 years old memes from Britain First and believes everything they say.

[sierraman]

Can’t off hand think of a name for them but they’re usually piloting something really humdrum like a BMW 320 that’s been badly modified. They’ll drive about like an absolute loon but the excuse for this and it incessantly revving up will be that it’s a performance thoroughbred and that’s how it’s set up, like it’s a fucking Porsche 910 Can-Am that won’t idle until it’s hot and is lumpy below 8,000 rpm. 

[Metal Guru]

The player or wannabe.

Normally called Gavin or Darren and is an an “account executive”. Well he works in a call centre telling pensioners to change energy suppliers. He has been 29 for the past eight years.

If he stumbled upon Autoshite , he would love the “Low cost , big liability thread”, as that’s what he’s drawn to , either a nice AMG Merc or a Range Rover, in black with unfeasibly tinted windows ( it was previously owned by a drug dealer). Starship mileage and Chinese death rings on 22in blingy wheel of a make no one has heard of but secretly makes F1 wheels.

Got it for a steal , “they were dealing with a pro negotiator , didn’t know what hit ‘em. I could show that wanker Brewer a few tricks” In reality he was intimidated by said drug dealer and paid the full asking price. Still he’s convinced his £10k was an “investment” , modern classic, price can only go up, be worth £25k next year. 

Has a personal plate ( possibly GAV 111 X, with suitably positioned black screw, or maybe an Irish plate DAZ 1966, football fan not seeing the irony of putting it on Stuttgart’s finest.)

Dresses from head to toe in fake designer gear mostly direct from Paul Smith ( his mate with a market stall that is who still sews in his own labels despite the injunctions.)

He occasionally turns out for “the Reds”, the Red Lion pub that is , not Liverpool or Man Utd, but would have been a pro but unspecified  injuries.

Lives in a 1 bed flat ( or possibly still with his mum), having been kicked out by his wife for shagging an 18yo hairdresser behind the pub at  Christmas 2015. Thinks his car will help him pull but in reality , they just laugh.

[Rust Collector]

  On 28/10/2023 at 09:37, Cavcraft said:

Mr 'One life, live it'.  Extolls the virtues of LandRovers. Spends almost  every waking hour welding/repairing/rewiring his shit-tip Discovery. Big winch on the front bumper for 'recovering shit Japanese 4x4s' but actually used to drag his own car out of 3 inches of water. 22" wheels with ridiculous knobbly tyres. Drives and handles as well as riding a Hungdo Quim Trim 49cc scooter off the top of Niagara Falls with a spunk stained mattress strapped to your back. Just like Mr V DubBore will tire your bollocks off in front of your eyes  as he tells you how great 'Landys' are.  Wears camo trousers and a reflective mud stained jacket year round. Desperate to pull someone's broken down car back from the Co-op so he can dazzle half of Europe with the wanky lightbar cable tied to the grille, so he can post it all over the internet.  When driving on the road it sounds like a swarm of thousands of hungry bees and a tank that's about to explode at the same time. Has another  half stripped Discovery and fifteen broken gearboxes in his front garden.  Uses £300's worth of diesel driving to his job working nights as a security guard watching Gilf videos on PornHub, instead of watching the monitors in the yard. Offers to help looking for missing goldfish with his mates from the off-road club. Posts 10 years old memes from Britain First and believes everything they say.

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I’ve just come in from a morning spent in the rain, cleaning and packing electrical connectors with grease on the Discovery 3 after the splash from a puddle caused it to break down last weekend 🤣

[timolloyd]

  On 28/10/2023 at 09:37, Cavcraft said:

Mr 'One life, live it'.  Extolls the virtues of LandRovers. Spends almost  every waking hour welding/repairing/rewiring his shit-tip Discovery. Big winch on the front bumper for 'recovering shit Japanese 4x4s' but actually used to drag his own car out of 3 inches of water. 22" wheels with ridiculous knobbly tyres. Drives and handles as well as riding a Hungdo Quim Trim 49cc scooter off the top of Niagara Falls with a spunk stained mattress strapped to your back. Just like Mr V DubBore will tire your bollocks off in front of your eyes  as he tells you how great 'Landys' are.  Wears camo trousers and a reflective mud stained jacket year round. Desperate to pull someone's broken down car back from the Co-op so he can dazzle half of Europe with the wanky lightbar cable tied to the grille, so he can post it all over the internet.  When driving on the road it sounds like a swarm of thousands of hungry bees and a tank that's about to explode at the same time. Has another  half stripped Discovery and fifteen broken gearboxes in his front garden.  Uses £300's worth of diesel driving to his job working nights as a security guard watching Gilf videos on PornHub, instead of watching the monitors in the yard. Offers to help looking for missing goldfish with his mates from the off-road club. Posts 10 years old memes from Britain First and believes everything they say.

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Tailgated by one of these this morning. There’s some minor flooding round here so I guess he was out looking to rescue* people.

Driver wears his hood up all the time.

[Asimo]

  On 28/10/2023 at 09:37, Cavcraft said:

Mr 'One life, live it'

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I saw this exact person yesterday, being towed by another similar Discovery (on a stupidly long orange strop). Later encountered him in a car park yapping loudly and proudly into his phone that he had “broked the diff”. 
A ten year old lad in the car was cringeing with embarrasment.

[sierraman]

Toni - mid thirties, three kids to three different dads, extremely thin due to an addiction to amphet. Has a Golf Mk6 in silver with badly painted alloys done in black, ‘bangin choons’ blasting out, Niche Classixs multi CD in the glovebox. No MOT or tax. Wears a dressing gown on school run, describes herself on Facebook as ‘full time mummy’ between issuing veiled threats to people she feels have crossed her. Uses loads of chavvy phrases like ‘mint’. Never cuts the grass and leaves crap strewn all over the garden. 
 

Entitled Tradesman - late forties, 20 plate Transit Custom in Racing Blue, it’s absolutely immaculate. He demands priority on any given road as he’s on the way to a well paid shout, probably a plumbing contract doing some student flats charging them £300 for 10 minutes work and a 3p O-ring. Usually in the pub from 3pm drinking Peroni or similar premium lager. Constantly at ends to tell you how he probably earns as much in a month as you do in a year. Has the wife as secretary on his limited company. Goes with other plumbers once a year to Benidorm on a beano. His time is extremely valuable, yours isn’t, so you must give priority. 

[Talbot]

The "that's not your car is it".

Any situation where a bloke of at least 5'10" (or, ideally, 6'4" and 18stone) is squashed into a Fiat 500 / Panda / Vauxhall Adam / Bini or similar and looking highly embarrassed about driving it.  Bonus points if the car is pink, has "powered by fairy dust" stickers on the rear window, or any other exceptionally girly aftermarket bits stuck to it.  Radio is off just in case "Barbie Girl" blares out of it at 122dB.
Never makes eye contact.  Drives completely within the law and tries not to draw too much attention to themselves.

[stuboy]

  On 29/10/2023 at 12:17, timolloyd said:

Driver wears his hood up all the time.

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normally beema driver with seat wound back>?

[davocano]

Quality thread that made me do quite a few LOLs.

11/10

[horriblemercedes]

When I was about ten years old, my family went boating on Windermere with another family who were good friends of ours. There was a daughter who was a year or two older than me.  She needed the toilet.

 

"Dad, I really need the toilet."

"Well, you're in your bathing costume and we're in the middle of the lake. Just get in the water and do it there."

 

Treading water, a massive shit just suddenly popped up beside her. Obviously we had thought she needed a wee

[Metal Guru]

  On 31/10/2023 at 09:33, davocano said:

Quality thread that made me do quite a few LOLs.

11/10

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Much more fun than being lectured by   wee wee!

[riek]

"Young girl who does not like driving"

Typically a small, french, fairly modern, which is, being generous, fucked. Filthy. Dented badly on at least 3 sides, has probably had the spacesaver on for several months. If it has wheeltrims, a maximum of 1 remains, though often this is about 2/3 of a trim grimly hanging on. Engine sounds like a skeleton wanking in a dustbin (petrol)  or smokes like a french grandfather (diesel). Interior looks like a dustbin. Usually found parked outside a 7 bed HMO near a university. Car's appearance belies the fact the owner is usually quite attractive and well turned out.

 

[EyesWeldedShut]

  On 31/10/2023 at 10:41, riek said:

"Young girl who does not like driving"

Typically a small, french, fairly modern, which is, being generous, fucked. Filthy. Dented badly on at least 3 sides, has probably had the spacesaver on for several months. If it has wheeltrims, a maximum of 1 remains, though often this is about 2/3 of a trim grimly hanging on. Engine sounds like a skeleton wanking in a dustbin (petrol)  or smokes like a french grandfather (diesel). Interior looks like a dustbin. Usually found parked outside a 7 bed HMO near a university. Car's appearance belies the fact the owner is usually quite attractive and well turned out.

 

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You know the female offspring of this household it seems?
You forgot to mention:
Unable to parallel park.
Also unable to reverse without camera assistance.
Front tyres always missmatched as the beast keeps kerbing itself unilateraly. 
Apple CarPlay at volume 11, kicks in on Bluetooth even before the glowplug check. Ideal as you never hear the death rattle from the engine.  Masks other untoward noises such as brake pad platten grinding disc to atoms.   
Nobody else allowed to drive it as it's 'mine'. 
Never gets any sort of mechanical TLC until it implodes.
Then it's my fault?

[dozeydustman]

  On 07/10/2023 at 16:42, Metal Guru said:

£100k tractor with more lights than Wembley stadium and Blackpool put together, towing 50 year old trailer held together with string and rusty nails. No lights or indicators ,( obviously can’t afford any), holding up 20+ cars on fast A road. 
Pulls across into hidden gateway just as someone goes to overtake. 

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I was about to post this then Inthought maybe someone already had.

You missed out incorrect numberplate on the trailer for the tractor hauling it, and the trailer often skips down the road when unladen.

[richardmorris]

I was in Slough today, and saw several examples of the twin cab navarra driver who needs it for work, but doesn’t do any. Must be doing huge drug deals to need the pickup.

[sheffcortinacentre]

  On 27/11/2023 at 19:57, richardmorris said:

I was in Slough today, and saw several examples of the twin cab navarra driver who needs it for work, but doesn’t do any. Must be doing huge drug deals to need the pickup.

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Love it when people say they or their mate have a big pickup then show you a "nivarna or animal" I say nah my F350 was a big pickup or mates  C20 crewcab is. Usually accompanied by a confused look.

[dozeydustman]

The “Isn’t an MoT a service?”.

Normally a newer car, but sometimes something pushing 25 years or older. Invariably has missing bits of trim, a bit of dangling exhaust and a number of failed lamps/lights. Unaware that the remedial work to get their car roadworthy* for another year doesn’t  include an oil or filters change, despite this normally being quite a few hundred pounds.

[Pieman]

  On 21/01/2024 at 18:28, dozeydustman said:

The “Isn’t an MoT a service?”.

Normally a Fiat 500 or Nissan Joke/Kumquat.

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FTFY.

(I almost added BMW Mini, but in that situation they are "that's what the husband's for" cars.)

[quicksilver]

  On 04/10/2023 at 22:27, quicksilver said:

Old money. Drive an utterly immaculate mid-spec Mercedes they bought new over 30 years ago with a short pre-suffix plate that's been on every one of their cars since it was issued in the 1950s and is worth more than the car but they won't sell because of the sentimental value. It's always garaged, has done a pretty low mileage and is maintained regardless of cost by the main dealer who originally supplied it.

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And here's a great example. Diesel is a bit unusual though as old money types don't normally concern themselves with fuel bills.

[Squirrel2]

  On 21/01/2024 at 18:28, dozeydustman said:

The “Isn’t an MoT a service?”.

Normally a newer car, but sometimes something pushing 25 years or older. Invariably has missing bits of trim, a bit of dangling exhaust and a number of failed lamps/lights. Unaware that the remedial work to get their car roadworthy* for another year doesn’t  include an oil or filters change, despite this normally being quite a few hundred pounds.

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Daughter Squirrel fell into this category for a while. 🙄

[LightBulbFun]

thought this best be posted in this thread  

[dozeydustman]

The 50 year old teenager - version 1.

Man in his late forties or early fifties who’s had some kind of mid-life crisis and wants to re-live his youth. Buys a make and model of one of his first five cars and tries to find excuses just to go out for a drive in it. Enjoys classic motoring.

The 50 year old teenager - version 2.

Same age as the above but used to read Max Power or some similar title; buys something 15-20 years old, 4-pot engine with a little poke but not a full sporty or tuned model. Wears baggy tracksuit bottoms to match his baggy physique, a Primark polo shirt, aviators and some kind of ridiculous headgear. His car was quite presentable when purchased with no major body defects or rust. Over the course of a year the following improvements* are made to the car, normally in this order.

- Fart Cannon tailpipe but rest of system stock.
- Slammed suspension.
- Stretched tyres over 20” rimz
- Sports* air filter from China
- Remapped by ‘John the spanners’, badly.
- Bonnet Bra
- side skirts and chin spoiler from eBay.
- DRLs from AliExpress or Temu
- Lexus style rear lights.
- H4/H7 LED or HID conversion.

Drives around givin’ it large against the youngsters in their PCP 1-series and Audis but can’t keep up. Thinks he’s cool but actually looks pretty tragic. The car looks and sounds the same, because fart cannons sound better on 5+ cylinders. Thinks he can pick up a bit of skirt while cruising to compensate for his wife leaving him.

Admittedly I am number 1. I work with someone who is a number 2. And happens also to be mid life crisis number 2.

[Rocket88]

  On 27/05/2024 at 09:47, dozeydustman said:

The 50 year old teenager - version 1.

Man in his late forties or early fifties who’s had some kind of mid-life crisis and wants to re-live his youth. Buys a make and model of one of his first five cars and tries to find excuses just to go out for a drive in it. Enjoys classic motoring.

The 50 year old teenager - version 2.

Same age as the above but used to read Max Power or some similar title; buys something 15-20 years old, 4-pot engine with a little poke but not a full sporty or tuned model. Wears baggy tracksuit bottoms to match his baggy physique, a Primark polo shirt, aviators and some kind of ridiculous headgear. His car was quite presentable when purchased with no major body defects or rust. Over the course of a year the following improvements* are made to the car, normally in this order.

- Fart Cannon tailpipe but rest of system stock.
- Slammed suspension.
- Stretched tyres over 20” rimz
- Sports* air filter from China
- Remapped by ‘John the spanners’, badly.
- Bonnet Bra
- side skirts and chin spoiler from eBay.
- DRLs from AliExpress or Temu
- Lexus style rear lights.
- H4/H7 LED or HID conversion.

Drives around givin’ it large against the youngsters in their PCP 1-series and Audis but can’t keep up. Thinks he’s cool but actually looks pretty tragic. The car looks and sounds the same, because fart cannons sound better on 5+ cylinders. Thinks he can pick up a bit of skirt while cruising to compensate for his wife leaving him.

Admittedly I am number 1. I work with someone who is a number 2. And happens also to be mid life crisis number 2.

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Version 1 usually buy Fords…. Ludicrously overpriced shite with an XR prefix, or a Capri….. which he immediately stuffs into a tree , after the Chinese death rings let go on a roundabout doing an insane 14 mph….

[Pieman]

  On 27/05/2024 at 09:47, dozeydustman said:

The 50 year old teenager - version 1.

Man in his late forties or early fifties who’s had some kind of mid-life crisis and wants to re-live his youth. Buys a make and model of one of his first five cars and tries to find excuses just to go out for a drive in it. Enjoys classic motoring.

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Didn't know you knew my uncle!

In the last few years he's bought a Mk4 MX-5, then a 90s Rover Mini in bright copper/orange which he pretends is the one he had in his 20s, and then a near-new bright red Fiesta ST because he "always wanted a hot hatch".  Said ST was inevitably nicked from outside his place a few months later and crashed, and he's spent about twice what the thing is worth having it rebuilt, with most of it being done on our driveway because there was "more room" until after several months I had finally had enough and told him and my dad that if he didn't get the bloody thing shifted to somewhere else, I would shift it for him and he'd find the shell being banger raced.

[Con2K]

  On 01/02/2024 at 16:44, quicksilver said:

And here's a great example. Diesel is a bit unusual though as old money types don't normally concern themselves with fuel bills.

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Ohh that’s me! Good Shot! Where was I going?

Family owned for over 30yrs. But the plate is a more recent addition. She’s on 215,000 miles now.

[quicksilver]

  On 29/05/2024 at 17:39, Con2K said:

Ohh that’s me! Good Shot! Where was I going?

Family owned for over 30yrs. But the plate is a more recent addition. She’s on 215,000 miles now.

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Excellent! You were going through Buckingham. Just read your thread about it and was impressed at its history. Didn't realise it had a red interior, a brave choice with green paint.

[Lord Sterling]

  On 30/10/2023 at 20:38, Talbot said:

The "that's not your car is it".

Any situation where a bloke of at least 5'10" (or, ideally, 6'4" and 18stone) is squashed into a Fiat 500 / Panda / Vauxhall Adam / Bini or similar and looking highly embarrassed about driving it.  Bonus points if the car is pink, has "powered by fairy dust" stickers on the rear window, or any other exceptionally girly aftermarket bits stuck to it.  Radio is off just in case "Barbie Girl" blares out of it at 122dB.
Never makes eye contact.  Drives completely within the law and tries not to draw too much attention to themselves.

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[Lord Sterling]

The "He-Man" of the road.

Some sour-faced looking "builder" who thinks he's "the mannest of men". Invariably drives a pick up Nissan Navara/Ford Ranger etc... basically the kind of vehicle that would be considered a "ladies" pick up in the US. Is a gym goer and walks around like he's got a stick up his jacksie.

Driveway on fairly new housing estate always looks like a building site with various bags of gravel, wood and a project Japanese car up on bricks that he'll "get around to doing one day, "it's gonna be sick mayte"