What makes you grin? Antidote to grumpy thread

[NorfolkNWeigh]

Eating my breakfast watching Godfather 3 on Sky, Don Corleone goes to Italy and travels in a convoy of ; Quattroporte, Gamma and Alfa 6 .  My new dream lottery fleet.

[JeeExEll]

  On 26/07/2021 at 20:55, SRi05 said:

One of my mates actually done this once after a night out with me minus the shitting in the kettle. Walked into a random old dears house on his street after a night out absolutely blitzed thinking it was his, walked into the living room and crashed on the couch. Ended up getting lifted & woke up in the cells the next morning with no idea what he'd done. Went back round the next day rather sheepishly and apologised. 

Lucky for him he never stumbled into some nutcases gaff 😂

He doesn't drink much nowadays 

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Aww man, pooping in someone's kettle.  You just wouldn't.  Hope it was never switched on. 

But then you wouldn't expect it to be in there so you would just switch on the kettle.  Aaaaaaarghhhh.

Whilst 'rather inebriated' a mate once pissed in his girlfriend's wardrobe.  All over her handbags and fancy shoes and boots.  (It was a mate, not me).

[Tadhg Tiogar]

  On 26/07/2021 at 20:42, Jamie said:

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They could have had DNA out of the turd in the kettle, which might have helped with identification....

[somewhatfoolish]

  On 27/07/2021 at 13:29, Tadhg Tiogar said:

They could have had DNA out of the turd in the kettle, which might have helped with identification....

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The Phantom Kettle Shitter of Old Yeovile Town has sought to frame this innocent inebriate, and had the audacity to vomit on the floor too! 🤣

[Jamie]

  On 27/07/2021 at 13:29, Tadhg Tiogar said:

They could have had DNA out of the turd in the kettle, which might have helped with identification....

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🤣

[myglaren]

  On 27/07/2021 at 12:46, JeeExEll said:

Whilst 'rather inebriated' a mate once pissed in his girlfriend's wardrobe.  All over her handbags and fancy shoes and boots.  (It was a mate, not me).

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My mate had a period of sleepwalking and would think he had gone to the toilet for a pee, only to find in the morning that he had done it in the cupboard.

[Agila]

If we are still on this topic my mate Simon did these two horrendous things.

1. Got home after a session, crapped in the kitchen sink, wiped his arse with his underpants (then threw those in the sink), then went to bed and left them for his Mrs to find in the morning.

2. After going for crap in a town centre boozer then realising there was no toilet paper. He waddled back out of the toilets with trousers and pants around his ankles and proclaimed "there's no fucking paper" to a packed audience.

This was in our infamous drinking days so please don't judge too harshly. 

Thankfully now he has stopped drinking he's normal.

 

[myglaren]

 

[myglaren]

Watched this a few days ago and it has just reappeared in the recommendations.

If the name of the pump weren't amusing enough the BC's double-entendres are even more so, especially as I suspect that many are unintentional.

[gm]

found on the central reservation of the local dual carriageway - 50m of three core cable - that'll come in handy  

[DVee8]

  On 28/07/2021 at 13:49, gm said:

found on the central reservation of the local dual carriageway - 50m of three core cable - that'll come in handy  

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What where you doing on the central reservation, to find that? 

[gm]

  On 28/07/2021 at 14:06, DVee8 said:

What where you doing on the central reservation, to find that? 

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I drove past it so pulled up and walked back   

[vulgalour]

Picked up some paperweights today, bit of a nostalgia thing really since my late gran and late mum used to sort of collect them.  Cleaned them up, arranged them nicely, and then sat down at my desk.

Got up, moved the tall one somewhere else.

[Wack]

Twat of the week award goes to this guy 

Spoiler - twat 

Driving on the beach in a lowered sports car - twat 

Getting stuck- twat 

Best bit , he's a banned driver 

 

https://www.facebook.com/groups/3535660586462020/permalink/4623396581021743/

Update 

 

 

 

 

 

[Saabnut]

  On 29/07/2021 at 08:45, Wack said:

Twat of the week award goes to this guy 

Spoiler - twat 

Driving on the beach in a lowered sports car - twat 

Getting stuck- twat 

Best bit , he's a banned driver 

 

https://www.facebook.com/groups/3535660586462020/permalink/4623396581021743/

 

 

 

 

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To get to the harbour, you have to drive past the police station which is a few hundred yards down the road.

Good job he thought of that before driving a police magnet past with no licence.....

[neil1971]

Or maybe you can't.....

 

[Austat]

 

[Crusty Sills]

  On 28/07/2021 at 08:35, Agila said:

If we are still on this topic my mate Simon did these two horrendous things.

1. Got home after a session, crapped in the kitchen sink, wiped his arse with his underpants (then threw those in the sink), then went to bed and left them for his Mrs to find in the morning.

2. After going for crap in a town centre boozer then realising there was no toilet paper. He waddled back out of the toilets with trousers and pants around his ankles and proclaimed "there's no fucking paper" to a packed audience.

This was in our infamous drinking days so please don't judge too harshly. 

Thankfully now he has stopped drinking he's normal.

 

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I'll add to the pissing contest 

I used to sleep walk. My old dad used to remind me often of the time I turned left instead of right into my sister's room and pee'd on her. 

The second time there were shouts of 'dad he's doing it again' 

In fairness I was 10! 

Never heard a thing!!! 😴

 

[High Jetter]

  On 30/07/2021 at 18:30, Crusty Sills said:

I turned left instead of right  and pee'd on her. 

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I knew a girl who liked that years ago

[somewhatfoolish]

SpaceX win contract for Tesco Express home delivery.

[Floatylight]

  On 31/07/2021 at 01:49, somewhatfoolish said:

SpaceX win contract for Tesco Express home delivery.

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This lives just around the corner from me in Stafford! Where's the pic taken?

[omegod]

I've done the sleep pissing thing after a heavy session when about 19, woke up and relieved myself on the gas heater in my bedroom. thankfully it wasn't electric! woke up halfway through and stumbled backwards into a freestanding mirror and basically sat into it, impaling my self with a massive pointy shard of glass in the process, poor mum had the shock of her life when she came in to see what the noise was  as it looked like a slaughterhouse in there. Blue lights, much embarrassment and many stitches  followed 

I was a proper tit when young

[somewhatfoolish]

  On 31/07/2021 at 05:49, Floatylight said:

This lives just around the corner from me in Stafford! Where's the pic taken?

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No idea, I pinched it off farceache.

[dome]

An iconic V8 powered car in a fetching shade of green. Parked beside some old Ford

[myglaren]

[Wack]

  On 29/07/2021 at 08:45, Wack said:

Twat of the week award goes to this guy 

Spoiler - twat 

Driving on the beach in a lowered sports car - twat 

Getting stuck- twat 

Best bit , he's a banned driver 

 

https://www.facebook.com/groups/3535660586462020/permalink/4623396581021743/

Update 

 

 

 

 

 

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Update 

[somewhatfoolish]

Did it get a briny wash?

[SRi05]

God I've missed Scottish fitba 

 

[Wack]

  On 31/07/2021 at 15:26, somewhatfoolish said:

Did it get a briny wash?

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No they dragged it off , as he was already banned I'm thinking it was an expensive photoshoot 

[Wack]

Just Eat 

Never used it before , the mechanic stayed behind to get my smart car back on the road so I bought us lunch 

He fancied KFC so that's what we had , driver was there within 15 minutes , brilliant , only once he'd gone I noticed only one can of tango 

So I look at the app ,

I'm not happy with my order , was something missing , 

sent it off , within an hour a full refund for one of the meals , impressed with that