Tropes you see on the road

[dozeydustman]

The Chichester (local variants may exist)

Over 50 lady who wears attire similar to that of the late Queen, speaks with a similar heightened version of Received Pronunciation, and has never had to work. Normally seen in an older Mercedes E or even S class that was the husband's former company car until it was 3 years old, with steel wheels and original trims, nothing so gauche as alloys. Car fastidiously maintained by the dealer they purchased the car from new at any expense and bodywork washed weekly using the 3-bucket method followed by original Turtle Wax. Car treated to a respray every 7-8 years and a top-end rebuild has been done at least twice. Parks 2 feet away from any kerb to prevent damage to sidewalls and wheel trims. Warns off any toddlers within 50 yards to 'keep away from the car' lest it get scratched or drink spilled on it. Thinks London is a place where the poor people live because the residents talk like Dickensian street urchins.

Husband is around 10 years older than his wife wearing beige or brown cords, a blue heavy linen shirt which is only made in 1 shop in Germyn Street off Savile Row, a beige blazer and a Panama.He retired before 58, and owns his last company car which is 2-3 years newer than his wife's and identical in spec save maybe the colour, it has had the same meticulous servicing and resprays as his wife's car. He own also a Healey 100/6 which is metallic light blue over old English white, nobody else is allowed to drive it. Both wear tweed while in the Healey, string backed gloves, cravat and flat cap for him, headscarf and brown leather gloves for her.

Neither can park in a car park, indicates either left or right at a roundabout when wanting to go straight ahead, but over halfway round a roundabout is always approached from the left/outside, and looking at their surroundings  while driving is unimportant, as they are far richer than everyone surrounding them who should get out of the way. Both drink Campari and grapefruit before a meal when dining out.

[EyesWeldedShut]

On 10/4/2023 at 2:16 PM, New POD said:

19 year old Apprentice on the line at a truck firm. Lives at home with parents, rent free, but drives a Fiesta ST with a real carbon front splitter, held in place by titanium rosejointed bracketry. and a pop and bang remap. Private Tinted gel plate reg, something like T 0 MAS 

His name is Thomas. 

[rusty_vw_man]

Bit of a niche coastal one, but the family tourist. 

Stead of choice* is something exceptionally large, at least a 7 seater or mahoosive estate, in which are a mere two sproglets. There is often a series of white outlines of the cars occupants on the back, and a yellow child on board sticker.

Everybody is grumpy and in some stage of a mental breakdown. The children are screaming, partly because their headrest mounted iPads have gone flat. The mum is mumbling something about packages holidays in the Algarve rather than a poxy B&B in north Wales. The dad is a funny shade of red as he cruises the streets at less than 10mph looking for a parking space that doesn’t exist - he is like a human pressure cooker, and vents uncontrollably at anyone rude enough to hoot because they actually have somewhere to be. 

Very often spotted double parked with the hazards on, near a soon to be vacated space. Once the space clears all he has to do is gently encourage something the size of an oil tanker into a space big enough for a smart car. His wife often gets out to help* guide him in. The children help by continuing to scream. When the car is close enough to the space - I.e. one wheel on the pavement, with the nose sticking out everyone can finally get out. 

Opening the boot reveals mountainous volumes of holiday gear, all loose. All the poor chap (in his polo shirt and chino shorts) has to do now is transport it to a nearby hotel. His wife can’t help, she’s too busy trying to peel the kids out the back, who have suddenly decided they do actually want to stay in the car. 

Due to a failure to read the signs, a present from a parking warden often awaits upon return, which can provoke a gentle* discussion about whose fault it might have been. 

The man wonders if he is actually dead, and this is hell.

[EyesWeldedShut]

1 minute ago, rusty_vw_man said:

Very often spotted double parked with the hazards on, near a soon to be vacated space. Once the space clears all he has to do is gently encourage something the size of an oil tanker into a space big enough for a smart car. His wife often gets out to help* guide him in. The children help by continuing to scream. When the car is close enough to the space - I.e. one wheel on the pavement, with the nose sticking out everyone can finally get out. 

Aberystwyth - back in August, just this ^^^^ 
Sat in my car and watched a bloke in a mahoosive, brand new MB thing (GLS?) driving around the car park until he spots a space that's big enough for his car. He then sits there with the hazards on until smol car leaves space and then his other half pops out, sees him back and *tada* they're parked.
Then four kids and two other adults get out of the thing (!), grab buckets and spades and leg it, beachwards.
Didn't have the heart to tell 'em that the beach is all shingle and there's a 3 hour max limit on the car park  

[sutty2006]

Focus RS driver, bald. 
 

Does anyone WITH hair actually drive one? 

[KWhite]

This thread is the best laugh I've had in a long time, so thank you 😅

[stuboy]

over weight woman 30 to 40s, driving nissan cascow or a puke, gold jewelry and a mum/dad tattoo........

[Cavcraft]

The Fiesta Mk5 driver. Seat so far back he's almost lying down. Halfwit, 'gangster' wannabe. Smokes weed, wears roadman clothes and his girlfriend is a 15 year old spotty biffer who shouts abuse at people going to slow and throws empty cans and bottles out of the window.

[stuboy]

7 minutes ago, sutty2006 said:

Focus RS driver, bald. 
 

Does anyone WITH hair actually drive one? 

my BiL has loads of hair

[N19]

3 hours ago, LoftyvRS said:

Everything they "own" will be on some sort of finance package, especially the car, mobile phone and various pay day loans for the expensive handbags.

Usually accompanied by some ratty little yappy trophy dog, that is permanently shivering despite the expensive coat they bought off QVC - on the tick natch.

Yappy trophy dog is taken everywhere and, if anybody challenges that, "it's my emotional support dog".

[Stanky]

8 hours ago, sierraman said:

This reminds me of a blokes house I once went to to pick up a lawnmower, his wife had presumably fucked off, the entire house was full of lawnmowers, behind the sofa he’d got about four ATCO mowers in various states of disassembly. Oil all over the carpet. Either she’d left him or she was going to leave him the moment she arrived back. 

You bastard, you told me you wouldn't tell everyone how I lived when you bought that mower from me!

[egg]

'First Generation Ford Transit Connect'

(Think Emily Thornberry in Rochester)

[MiniMinorMk3]

Self Righteous Motorcyclist.

(This might be out of date)

Rides a Pan-European. Wears only Gor-Tex with a hi-vis sash-cum-belt over the right shoulder. Is permanently sat bolt upright whilst in the saddle. Only filters when there is enough room to  fit a small car down the road. Thinks they are an advanced Police rider, but probably just teaches at one of those weekend quick pass places. Hates sports bikes and HoGs with equal measure, saying that they are for people who do not understand bikes. Can be spotted when their helmet is removed by their nose in the air attitude whilst ordering a bacon roll and tea at the cafe.

[dozeydustman]

The ‘Luxury’ Airport Transfer

A black people mover, usually a Ford Galaxy, being piloted by someone who has their seat set so they are just peering over the top of the steering wheel and looks only dead ahead. Niche MW station on the radio but could be received in full carity on DAB.

Wears some kind of hands free in their lughole.

Carries one or zero passengers per journey.

Normally found in the centremost lane(s) of a motorway or dual carriageway just fast enough to poodle past an HGV but holds up any coaches. On a two-lane carriageway is in the outside lane doing 50.

Cuts across everyone 5 yards from the exit as he has done this drive eleventy-twelve million times before and knows the route off by heart but otherwise pays no attention to the road or its users.

Does 35mph on all other roads irrespective of speed limit.

Shares the car with his brother, cousin or an in-law who does the night shift

[warch]

1 hour ago, MiniMinorMk3 said:

Self Righteous Motorcyclist.

(This might be out of date)

Rides a Pan-European. Wears only Gor-Tex with a hi-vis sash-cum-belt over the right shoulder. Is permanently sat bolt upright whilst in the saddle. Only filters when there is enough room to  fit a small car down the road. Thinks they are an advanced Police rider, but probably just teaches at one of those weekend quick pass places. Hates sports bikes and HoGs with equal measure, saying that they are for people who do not understand bikes. Can be spotted when their helmet is removed by their nose in the air attitude whilst ordering a bacon roll and tea at the cafe.

Often seen walting in a Polite Hi Viz vest/jacket dressed in black textiles with a white helmet. As you say, many have now moved on to BMWs like the actual police. Do not interact with other bikers at all except to admonish them for their poor road position.

There is a nearly identical variant on this theme who rides pedal bikes usually in urban areas. They are also festooned with Hi Viz and also take it upon themselves to police other road users, principally motorists*, but are not above tackling pedestrians and even other cyclists. Spend their evenings uploading minor incidents recorded on helmet cam to various special interest websites.    

* Ten years on I still cherish the memory of a bicycle mounted road captain patrolling the notorious St Pauls area of Bristol banging on the roof a BMW for allegedly passing a bit close to him whilst overtaking. The occupants of the car may not have been actual Yardies but in hindsight I think he probably would have let that one slide. 

[SRi05]

On 10/4/2023 at 8:10 PM, sierraman said:

What do a George Michael and bale out on the motorway 

[ProgRocker]

18 hours ago, Cavcraft said:

The Fiesta Mk5 driver. Seat so far back he's almost lying down. Halfwit, 'gangster' wannabe. Smokes weed, wears roadman clothes and his girlfriend is a 15 year old spotty biffer who shouts abuse at people going to slow and throws empty cans and bottles out of the window.

I imagine she would be shouting "WAN-KAHHHH!" at pedestrians.

[grogee]

On 10/5/2023 at 12:20 AM, morrisoxide said:

Skip truck

It's always the skip lorry isn't it? Being driven at 11/10ths and woe betide you have to slow one down. 

Mind you, if I had to load and unload skips for a living, I'd have a deathwish too. 

[egg]

41 minutes ago, grogee said:

It's always the skip lorry isn't it? Being driven at 11/10ths and woe betide you have to slow one down. 

I like the ones stacked with 3 empty skips on top of each other that look poised to create a serious incident at any moment.

[vulgalour]

Brakes are for chumps.  Road markings don't mean anything.  Exit as late as possible!  Change lanes with no warning.  Indicate only by accident.  Always in a rush, never working.  Throw that coffee cup right out the window!  NAH MATE YOU CUT ME UP YOU CUNT GERROUTOVITYOUWANKAH.  Beer belly, bald head, jobsite trousers that can't stay up even with a belt. Mobile phone in the fast lane, catching up on The Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame.

That's right, it's Highway Maintenance.

[morrisoxide]

1 hour ago, grogee said:

It's always the skip lorry isn't it? Being driven at 11/10ths and woe betide you have to slow one down. 

Mind you, if I had to load and unload skips for a living, I'd have a deathwish too. 

Reminds me of Hell Drivers.

I suppose it is Skip lorry never really thought about it.

[Dobloseven]

The Farmers Son

A ruddy cheeked, tousle haired young fellow me lad. Check shirt, gilet, jeans and posh wellies. Though at harvest time wears enough John Deere branded workwear to make the average F1 driver look under sponsored. Drives orange metallic top of the range  Ford Ranger. Under four years old, on a lease because the accountant says that's best.Got a Focus RS tucked away in a barn under a dust sheet. Married to a Golf Gti driving solicitor he met at a young farmers ball. When the time is right for them to start the next generation, it'll be replaced by an Evoque or Velar. Despite having been sent to a private school so he didn't catch poverty from the council house kids in the village and later to agricultural college, he talks with a strange rustic accent. Lives in a modern house built on the land under an agricultural worker planning clause. When the old man retires, he'll move into the big house. Got lots of ideas for the future. Affordable (and unaffordable) housing. Light industrial units. Farm shop and cafe with large car park/vehicle test track (sorry RoverFolkus, couldn't resist!). Glamping. Music festivals... His plans are boundless. But he's got to get them past the old man who is a bit more cautious. Just wait till he retires/croaks it. Mind, the old boy is planning to live to at least 100 and die with his wellies on!

 

[Cavcraft]

The 'yummy  mummy':

 

Drives: Nissan Cashcow/Renault  Scenic/Ford C Max/Vauxhall Zafira. Has diesel stains down the side.  Badly scuffed alloys or missing the odd wheel trim. Bald tyres, no insurance tax expired. Inside full of baby excrement, mouldy sweets, crushed crisps and fag stumps. Social media picture will be one of her before she had kids at 17 and make her look like a super model. In reality she stinks of knock off ciggys and biscuits and looks like an explosion at the local household recycling centre skips. Drives to the Co-op 250 yards away at mid-day in her dressing gown that's covered in fag ash for milk, L&B and prosecco. Needs another bottle today because little Kaiden (the middle of 7 kids) is booting off again and the council are on her case about noise/no rent money/the broken washing machine/200 bags of rubbish in her front garden. Says that her eldest lad has undiagnosed ADHD  because he's a little c*nt who's graduated from piloting electric quad bikes aged 3, to riding stolen scooters at aged 9 round and round the estate, no helmet and smoking weed. House windows always opened, shit music blaring out. Nothing's ever her fault. Bought the car with the last of her PIP payments before they realised she wasn't actually disabled, just a twat. Still threatening to smash her neighbour's boyfriend's cat's ex-owner's grandad's brother's head in because he sold her a microwave for £15 that broke down 3 years later. Can't get a job because of immigrants, not because she's a fat lazy slag who can't be arsed.

[timolloyd]

The Knight of the Road. 
 

More focussed on ‘helping’ others, while oblivious to their own poor driving standards.

Usually to be found furiously waving and flashing you out of a side turning, despite the fact there’s a motorbike overtaking him (it’s always a him) and traffic coming the other way.

[New POD]

On 10/5/2023 at 8:26 PM, EyesWeldedShut said:

Aberystwyth - back in August, just this ^^^^ 
Sat in my car and watched a bloke in a mahoosive, brand new MB thing (GLS?) driving around the car park until he spots a space that's big enough for his car. He then sits there with the hazards on until smol car leaves space and then his other half pops out, sees him back and *tada* they're parked.
Then four kids and two other adults get out of the thing (!), grab buckets and spades and leg it, beachwards.
Didn't have the heart to tell 'em that the beach is all shingle and there's a 3 hour max limit on the car park  

Meant to put Abersoch into the Sat Nav, can't believe it took that long to get there. 

[artdjones]

On 10/5/2023 at 8:37 AM, rusty_vw_man said:

The farmer

Toyota hilux that looks like it’s been pulled from the sea, with what little metal remains in a fetching pog weasel shade of pinky red. May have faded illegible ‘keep Britain farming’ sticker on the rear screen.

Absolutely filthy inside and out, never ever been washed. Back contains baler twine, some feed boxes and a couple of border collies.

Drives a a steady 35mph everywhere - a roads, lanes, fields. Has no working lights, other than one headlight that is stuck permanently on main beam. 

For bonus points may be towing an Ifor Williams livestock trailer with a few miserable looking sheep in. Trailer has no lights or number plate. Still doing 35mph though. 

Driver is wearing an odd assortment of clothes that look like the rejects from the local rag recycling bins. 

When questioned in a survey as to his favourite wardrobe item he replied "baler twine".

[rusty_vw_man]

The London Black Cab:

Vehicle of choice, well the black cab obviously. Polished within an inch of its life. Been to mars and back, doesn’t do above about 40mph . 

Driver is always a proper mockney (you know, a wannabe Cockney, but most likely born in Enfield or so other edge of London, some distance from the Bow Bells). Has patriotic* tattoos of George’s cross, and one of the big London Football clubs. Bonus points for a Millwall tattoo. Sovereign ring(s) are an important accessory. 

Driving style is erratic - has the knowledge so will use every side street possible in an attempt to demonstrate his prowess. Overall journey time is the same as just using the more normal route. Often has a lose understanding of what a no entry sign means. 

The natural enemy of the cab driver is the Uber driver, who must be blocked and shouted at whenever possible. Holds a firm belief they genuinely the downfall of civil society. 

Appears to fear nothing other than going ‘sarf of the river’ - especially at night. 

would typically be a winner at tall tale of the year award - he’s almost certainly had Ghandi, Winston Churchill, Mandela in his cab, possibly last week, and possibly just after he dropped if the queen mum. 

[MorrisItalSLX]

The Second/Third Year Apprentice:

Male, around 20 years old, pathetic moustache/beard, awful haircut that cost far to much, wears one of those sleeveless T-shirts with massive arm holes.

Drives a new Toyota Hilux or Ford Ranger, purchased on finance, massive mud terrain tyres, two inch lift kit, multiple LED light bars, obnoxious exhaust, oversized eBay Chinese turbo with blow off valve, tray full of massive toolboxes.

Often seen making illegal overtaking manoeuvres on blind corners and crests, interior smells of watermelon vape, seen commonly in groups of likeminded apprentices parked on the nature strip outside the local dodgy night club attempting to pick up some skanky tart half full of vodka and red bull.

When driving to the job site during the week the vehicle will be heavily laden with timber and building supplies, usually unrestrained in the back or gaffer taped to the roof bars. Said supplies are near impossible to retrieve from the roof bars given the lift kit and mud tyres that have never seen a speck of mud in their lives.

Weekends will find this individual driving to a cash in hand job whilst still processing the drink from last night. Cash job taken on to help pay off the loan on the truck, and the accessories, and the tools, and the drink, and the money owed to the folks.

[louiepj]

The reluctant instructor. A mum or dad in their L plate plastered new electric or hybrid car/suv that drives everywhere with terrible road sense + positioning while always exceeding the speed limit, on their own in the car making us wonder if they are the learner?

[Metal Guru]

On 10/4/2023 at 8:23 PM, GrumpiusMaximus said:

The particularly tragic examples marry and name their children based upon the last three letters of their marginally-personalised plate.

DUB number plates are also very common.