The grumpy thread

[chaseracer]

Been there done that.

I was rather violently ill one morning a while back. I got out of bed and instantly needed to go to the loo so I legged it in and sat down just in the nick of time only for the whole world to fall out my arse! At that moment my guts also started churning and I puked while sitting on the can mid shit!

It was literally pouring out of both ends unstoppabley, the floor around the toilet was just a huge puddle of puke, all over my feet and everything.

 

It was awful at the time but funny now.

 

Our bathroom is helpfully designed so you can not only be sitting on the bog draining the sump but also, if an accelerated reverse peristalsis scenario manifests unexpectedly, by turning your head slightly to the right you can fill the basin with the recent contents of your entire gastric system.

 

Haven't tested this myself, but Musical Offspring did when he was about eight...

[eddyramrod]

Our bathroom is helpfully designed so you can not only be sitting on the bog draining the sump but also, if an accelerated reverse peristalsis scenario manifests unexpectedly, by turning your head slightly to the right you can fill the basin with the recent contents of your entire gastric system.

Mine too.  I knew there had to be some point having a tiny house!

[tooSavvy]

& Me3

 

.... Good friends ONLY apply for a 'shit 'n shower' though

 

 

TS

[Louise2cv]

University halls of residence had ensuites where it was feasible to shower while on the loo, while brushing your teeth.

 

Never tried it mind.

[michael1703]

We had a bidet next to the bog, just removed it because A. I'm not posh and B. Never used it. I have no safety net for double trouble, my sink is 8ft from bog, projectile vomiting only

[michael1703]

Sat indoors on a lovely sunny day waiting for world superbike and world supersport races on euros port, 4 red flags so far

[Tamworthbay]

To add to a shit week it now appears one of our cats is on its last legs and may have gone off to die and I have pulled something big time in my side and am in agony. Roll on Monday.......

[UmBongo]

I'll tell you my own tale if I may, maybe as a precautionary warning , I attended Whiston Hosp for a bumscope a few years ago and didn't need the bowel prep as I was getting a little something on arrival. A very small tube of stuff was squirted up my hoop and I was told to keep this in for a minumum 15 minutes before using one of the many toilets that lined the corridor in the waiting area, I don't know how I managed 15 secs as the urge to release was like something I've never felt before or since. I sat in the waiting room with another half dozen blokes ,who it quickly became apparent, had been given the same bum potion as I could see them wince with every spasm , sweaty foreheads all round,and mucho belly burbling was going on, one by one we caught each others eye's and began to chortle at the absurdity of the situation , one guys belly made a massive rumble which we had a giggle over but one guy found it so funny he crucially lost focus for a millisecond and shat himself right there and then. I ran and locked myself in the bog for fear of doing the same.

 

Sure you'll be fine though! 

 

Godspeed PBK and enjoy the post scope farts, they are phenomenal. 

 

Nice one. Rancid grapefruit juice has a similar affect, btw.

[fordperv]

Mrs fp showed me the agent picolax story a month or so back when she was preparing to have the botty camera i thought it was hilarious, she wound herself up about the effects of the picolax for no reason, she took it and it didnt cause a poo volcano

[tooSavvy]

& Me3

 

.... Good friends ONLY apply for a 'shit 'n shower' though

 

 

TS

 

.... may have misrepresented, here.... I mean only a very close intimate would agree to showering happily, but let someone in who 'dumped the frog' >> 3 foot away... Ooof!!

 

TS

[andy18s]

Just sold the Escort to a collector back in the UK

Things have obviously changed since we made the move out here and tbh it was going to be left sitting for a while once i got it shipped out

Doubling it's value in the short time I had it helped to ease the sting a bit though..

[ruffgeezer]

Mrs Ruff's Berlingo got the sharp end of a Zafira into it this morning. Luckily Mrs Ruff and the Rufflets are all OK, but the Berlingo is bollocksd due to bent front suspension, oh and a gouge front to rear down the nearside.

[chaseracer]

Mrs Ruff's Berlingo got the sharp end of a Zafira into it this morning... bollocksd due to bent front suspension, oh and a gouge front to rear down the nearside...

Annoying...

 

Luckily Mrs Ruff and the Rufflets are all OK...

...but this is all that really matters 

[omegod]

This fucking stuff is going through me like a fucking Bullet Train. My innards have gone and have been replaced by a straight through exhaust system, no cat, no baffles, no back box.

 

After the two scopes tomorrow I am stopping off at Tesco's to buy a loaf and a gammon joint. That will be the biggest fucking sandwich of ever.

 

Have we heard back from PBK, did they blow him up too much and he hexploded ?

[AlabamaShrimp]

Really looking forward to some Guinness sausage for my tea. They were a bit brown but smelt OK so shoved them in the oven.

 

Had a thought, are they meant to be brown due to the booze or pink?

 

Turns out its pink! Chopped them up for the Magpie that comes to the back garden.

[cobblers]

Guinness is cracking stuff, but anything that's supposed to taste like Guinness but isn't actually Guinness is always absolutely awful.

I got a bottle of their "brown sauce" one christmas and it tasted like some kind of medical incinerator runoff.

[Cavcraft]

Guiness is disgusting.

[Guest Hooli]

Guiness is disgusting.

 

Guiness staff look disgusted if you do the brewery tour wearing a Theakson's t-shirt

[Inspector Morose]

Guiness is disgusting.

Does not compute. It also makes your turds black.

[chaseracer]

^ And your head hurt! 

[Inspector Morose]

After last weeks attempt at removing my right thumb with a angle grinder mounted knotwheel, I have managed to get an infection in my other thumb. I am now incapable of doing buttons up, zipping my fly after a piss and tying my own shoelaces ( a skill I have only just leaned). Oh yes, and ow. Quite quite ow.

[chaseracer]

Parcel arrived from the US today.  Well, it's at the sorting office in town because Royal Fail want to charge me over £12 (import duty and "handling fee" of EIGHT QUID!!!!) to release it.

 

Grrrrr.

[adw1977]

Parcel arrived from the US today. Well, it's at the sorting office in town because Royal Fail want to charge me over £12 (import duty and "handling fee" of EIGHT QUID!!!!) to release it.

 

Grrrrr.

£11 handling fee with UPS!

[ruffgeezer]

The courier who has my Volvo clocks seems intent on not delivering it.

 

It seems I might have tomorrow to whichever depot near Rainham that has them and deliver them myself.

 

Could really do without the fuckarsing about as the Volvo is currently our only family car.

[Rod/b]

Fucking shit bastard cunts

 

[Guest Hooli]

Cunts indeed. May the fleas of a thousand camels infest their armpits.

[Rod/b]

That might well be possible, given where i live

[HillmanImp]

FFS, I just went to the garage to get a set of wheels out that I am taking to have the tyres removed tomorrow and they're not frigging there. WTF. Where the hell have they gone, I was going to clean and paint them at the weekend.

 

I've got a load of alloys in the back garden and a further 2 sets of alloys in the garage for other cars but there is absolutely no sign of these steelies anywhere.

 

I'm wondering if I've left them somewhere where the cars been stored or something or at an old house?

 

I IZ STOOPID.

[HillmanImp]

Found where I left the wheels, they were at a property Mrs Imp lets out in Keighley. The tenants have confirmed that I left them in the garage but not that they are still there..... They have gone a bit silent all of a sudden.

 

Hopefully they are just at the cinema or something.

 

Fingers crossed.

 

*edit* Reply received. They are still there. Phew. Just need to pop over there at the weekend if I get a chance to pick them up.

 

What a goon I am.

[michael1703]

The news of Nicky Hayden being in a cycling accident and in a coma, it's not sounding promising