What makes you grin? Antidote to grumpy thread

[vulgalour]

Dead chuffed I removed all the soft furnishings out of the Polo yesterday because today I've had to mop a couple of pints of rainwater out of him. Talk about lucky!

 

?

 

Seats and carpet. My seats have often been likened to armchairs in appearance, so I've taken to calling them the soft furnishings.

[vulgalour]

Just been asked if the Princess could be available as a wedding car in a year's time. This has made me grin a lot and of course I've answered in the affirmative on a provisional basis, a lot can happen in a year.

[AeroNautiCal]

Kaboom!.

 

Or not.

 

I thought this quote was hilarious!

 

The Army bomb disposal unit was sent from Catterick Garrison while streets were sealed off and shops evacuated. When they arrived it was quickly established that the part posed no danger and had in fact belonged to an old make of Citroen.

[dollywobbler]

I do worry about the standard of literacy in the media these days. What the hell is an 'old make of Citroen' FFS? Not the first time someone has thought that a Citroen part was a bomb...

 

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/norfolk/3657984.stm

[Rocket88]

I do worry about the standard of literacy in the media these days. What the hell is an 'old make of Citroen' FFS? Not the first time someone has thought that a Citroen part was a bomb...

 

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/norfolk/3657984.stm

 

I think the clue to this is the Norfolk bit.................other regions can also be offended

[autofive]

i cant see this part being particularly heavy, surely that would have raised suspension that it wasnt 'a bomb'

 

some people will do anything to get into the news

[dollywobbler]

Actually, spheres are quite heavy. They have to cope with several hundred psi of pressure so they are like miniature submarines. Very thick walls!

[eddyramrod]

I took the battery tray off the Metro the other day, gave it a rub and where required, a coating of Kurust. It's the only rusty metal on the car and although it will be hidden from view most of the time (being underbonnet) and even when on view will have a battery on it thus hiding most of it anyway... I thought I should smarten it up. So today, the Kurust being well dry, I took it down to Andreas's garage, intending to ask him to have his paint supplier mix me a couple of aerosols of the right tomato red. Andreas handed me some wet-and-dry and said "I'm painting with red in a few minutes, here, rub it down." Sure enough, as I sat there rubbing, he prepped his booth and started painting some Suzuki SJ parts, in red. Booth door opens, hand comes out, I pass him the tray. It's now bright red not quite the right shade but good enough. I've left it drying and will pick it up this afternoon. I'm hoping we will have some suspension fluid then too! This is getting exciting now!

[Cavcraft]

To the ENLARGED BELL END in the 61 plate metallic blue Laguna estate with two exhaust pipes earlier:

You did of course score an early victory in your race to sell some more shoelaces/fruit bonbons/bogus advertising space by speeding up considerably when you saw me waiting to pull out on to the A556. Big wow, I'm sure you were very happy.

Trouble is you didn't know this road as well as I do it it would appear, and if you hadn't been right up that Morrison lorry's arse you'd have noticed the road going into two lanes at the mini-rounabout and a shit green car with a shit bike covered in shit on the back coming past you on the right hand side.

Sorry you weren't quick enough off the mark to get past me when it went down to one lane then felt the need to overtake like a complete wanker when I was already travelling at a decent speed.

We'll call that 2-1 to you for you now, but the trouble is despite realising at Vicars Cross lights I was now in the lane you suddently decided you wanted and attempting to pull out at the last minute that I had no intention of slowing to allow you to do this. We'll call that 2-2.

Unfortunately for you I was then in pole position so when the road when back from 2 lanes to 1 I would have been the fella at the front of the queue doing 24mph for a couple of miles and watching you weave all over the road a few cars back hoping you could overtake but being thwarted by traffic etc.

I'll call the final score 3-2 in my favour, hope you were late for your meeting you fat sweaty bastard.

[Rocket88]

To the ENLARGED BELL END in the 61 plate metallic blue Laguna estate with two exhaust pipes earlier:

You did of course score an early victory in your race to sell some more shoelaces/fruit bonbons/bogus advertising space by speeding up considerably when you saw me waiting to pull out on to the A556. Big wow, I'm sure you were very happy.

Trouble is you didn't know this road as well as I do it it would appear, and if you hadn't been right up that Morrison lorry's arse you'd have noticed the road going into two lanes at the mini-rounabout and a shit green car with a shit bike covered in shit on the back coming past you on the right hand side.

Sorry you weren't quick enough off the mark to get past me when it went down to one lane then felt the need to overtake like a complete wanker when I was already travelling at a decent speed.

We'll call that 2-1 to you for you now, but the trouble is despite realising at Vicars Cross lights I was now in the lane you suddently decided you wanted and attempting to pull out at the last minute that I had no intention of slowing to allow you to do this. We'll call that 2-2.

Unfortunately for you I was then in pole position so when the road when back from 2 lanes to 1 I would have been the fella at the front of the queue doing 24mph for a couple of miles and watching you weave all over the road a few cars back hoping you could overtake but being thwarted by traffic etc.

I'll call the final score 3-2 in my favour, hope you were late for your meeting you fat sweaty bastard.

 

 

Very childish, morally reprehensible, and probably dangerous. I would have done exactly the same.

[Pillock]

Actually, spheres are quite heavy. They have to cope with several hundred psi of pressure so they are like miniature submarines. Very thick walls!

 

I was amused by

 

He added: "They make these items in a bomb-like shape

 

A bomb-like shape. What, spherical? Surely even Norfolk has three-dimensional circles these days?

 

people do think they're explosive."

 

No, just you.

[Caffiend]

^^^ Normal for Norfolk, as they (whoever the hell they are) say?

 

The local rag article is quite hilarious - probably the biggest excitement since someone got food poisoning from a ham sandwich at a WI event in 1943:

 

"Sam Jagger, 20, was operating a digger for N Jagger Demolition and Plant Hire when he excavated the item, which later turned out to be a piece of scrap metal. " ...

 

He said: “I picked it up and threw it in the air. I didn’t think anything of it. Then I Googled ‘bomb’ and brought some pictures up, and saw one that looked identical to it." ...

 

--- and get this:

 

"Selby experienced a similar scare in August 2009, when a man brought part of a Citroën car to the Selby police station, as he believed it to be a grenade."

 

Guess they aren't used to Citroens in Shelby ...

 

Also, this could be in the grumpy thread because I am right fucked off with fucking spam sales calls. But I'm going to put it into grin because it's good to share and have wild fantasies about sending every fucking call centre in the world bankrupt because they aren't allowed to call anyone* ... Note that the below only works if you have been registered with the Telephone Preference Service - http://www.tpsonline.org.uk/tps/index.html for 28+ days. You can register mobile numbers on there as well. Yes, I know they are about as much use as a chocolate teapot, which is why I am posting this:

 

1) Wait for yet another fucking sales call.

2) Do not do whatever you normally do with spam sales calls until a) you're sure it's sales, and not so-called market research and you have the name of the organisation concerned. Then do what you like, ask if they've let the Lord Jesus into their lives, what colour knickers they are wearing, whatever.

2) Find the company's website using search engine of choice. Unfortunately, if there's no UK or EU address you're screwed. Sorry. But most of them will have a UK registered office for appearances.

3) Send this, by e-mail, and retain a copy in your Sent Items:

 

"In accordance with Schedule 11 of the UK Data Protection Act 1998:

 

“An individual is entitled at any time by notice in writing to a data controller to require the data controller at the end of such period as is reasonable in the circumstances to cease, or not to begin, processing for the purposes of direct marketing personal data in respect of which he is the data subject.â€Â

 

I require you to remove the following telephone number from any list that is processed by you in any way: [YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER]. This number has been listed on the Telephone Preference Service since [whenever, year only will do if not this year]. If you are not the data controller, I require to know on whose behalf you are processing my data, so I can contact them to remove my name from their lists.

 

Notwithstanding, I require all calls to this number from your organisation to cease within 28 days. Failure to comply will result in a complaint to the Information Commissioner's Office.

 

I require acknowledgement of receipt of this e-mail and confirmation of action then no further contact from your organisation in any form/media.

 

[sIGN OFF with real name - no need to put any love and kisses or anything though]"

 

NOTE: this only works for actual sales calls/marketing not so called "market research". Sorry.

 

The bit about data controller/data processor: companies that you already do business with - Eon, BT and others - are data controllers. Because you are a customer, TPS/no call rules don't apply, although you can tell them to tick the "no marketing" tickboxes. Even if you say "no marketing" from them, they can and will share your data with their "business partners" - who then become data processors. The "business partners" will then share your number with Sky and other pests ... As you have no agreement with the 'business partners' you have no idea what they are doing with your data. If you have had an agreement in place with a supplier for a while, then Data Protection wasn't enforced so much as it is nowadays: there's almost certainly no 'no marketing' tick box on your account and they sure as hell ain't gonna draw that to your attention ... so you might want to contact utilities, banks, insurance companies etc that you do business with and demand (in writing) that they do not pass your number on to any third party organisation for any reason without your specific consent.

 

You almost certainly won't get any acknowledgement or ever find out how the bastards got your number. But I've found that the number of repeat crap calls I get is markedly lower these days >evil grin< - which is what I really care about.

 

*It's in my job description: "must be a very sad person".

[Cavcraft]

/\

That's all well and good but it doesn't stop them. Also if you switch to not taking witheld numbers they just call you from abroad instead.

[myglaren]

/\

That's all well and good but it doesn't stop them. Also if you switch to not taking witheld numbers they just call you from abroad instead.

 

I hardly ever answer the phone and never withheld, international or 'out of area' calls.

I really, really don't like phones and very rarely call anyone. Only when absolutely unavoidable.

 

I did answer the phone this morning thinking it could be my daughter (Clio won't start) and it was my doctor, been trying to phone me for the past ten days.

 

Wanted to make an appointment for me to see him. As I can't go into the surgery (allergies) then I had to make an appointment for a telephone consultation

Which means I have to stay home for the whole day as they can never tell when he will be free to call. :(

 

Christ on a bike.

[mattblack]

Our spare room/'playroom' makes me grin...

 

[Vanny]

I have a little chuckle to myself every time I bury a Citroen hydropneumatic sphere, and my how many there have been

 

For the record though, i've never been to Norfolk!

[wuvvum]

Cycling into work this morning, I heard what sounded like an old scooter coming up behind me. Imagine my delight when I was overtaken by a Bond Mk G, which then proceeded to turn off the road I was on and hoon* up a fairly steep hill in a cloud of blue smoke. Made my day.

[Cavcraft]

I have a little chuckle to myself every time I bury a Citroen hydropneumatic sphere, and my how many there have been

 

For the record though, i've never been to Norfolk!

 

{steps back in amazement} I didn't know you were on here, Vanny!

[Lufthansa-Terminal]

Spotting this elsewhere

 

Cool beans

[Pete-M]

There's a chance the Jag may be back on the road for 1st August.... I bought it on the 3rd August three years ago so this will be my longest period of car ownership (excluding the Escort, which doesn't count).

[Quintus]

Some road trip this

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-18910560

 

I suppose if you're going to drive around the world you could do a lot worse than a G Wagen.

[AnthonyG]

^

 

This man says yes, he wrote a book about them.

 

Since 'Unsafe at any Speed' was written in 1965, five years before the Ford Pinto came out, it would have been hard for him to write about it. You may have confused it with the Chevrolet Corvair, which featured heavily in the book, although it was actually about all cars, US and foreign: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unsafe_at_Any_Speed

 

I'm sure he said lots of unpleasant things about the Pinto once it's 'idiosyncrasies' were known to one and all though!

[Albert Ross]

This. My 5th Grandchild, my 3rd Grandson.

Ladles and Jellyspoons, I present Brody. all 9lb, 5oz of him!

Born yesterday morning. My Daughter is so pleased he is out!

[rml2345]

I'm not surprised! Hearty congrats Albert to you and yours.

[warren t claim]

Well done! Loadsa sleepless nights ahead.

[Guest]

http://www.gumtree.com/p/cars-vans-moto ... /106205172

 

Cortina GLX-S £8,800 Mingford

Model Cortine GXL-S

Make Ford

Year 1981

Mileage 768,361 miles

Seller type Private

Body type 2 Door Saloon

Fuel type Petrol

Transmission Manual

Colour Black

Engine size 6,900 cc

The car connoisseurs among you will no doubt have already spotted that this is the much coveted “GLX-S†rendering of the marquee, of which only 7 and two-thirds ever tumbled off the production line.

 

The car has been tuned by Cocksworth Automotive, who have puffed-up engine displacement while simultaneously stroking and nibbling on the left lobe. The valve count for each cylinder has been increased from 2 to fourteen and 7 swashbuckler cams have been fitted. Cocksworth also invited a MK IV Stallion superdupercharger to the jollification in order to provide boost in the shunt department. Stop giggling at the back.

 

The car is thought to be producing in excess of 1850 Mbps, but I have no flymometer prints-outs to prove this. Due to the massive amount of talk the engine produces (in the region of 1370 women), first, 2nd and third gears are pretty much unusable unless you intend to perform a vertical flinch.

 

Mechanically, the car runs most excellently, with little to no booming, crashing, clattering, spluttering or jangling and only the faintest whiff of impending electrical tragedy. There are the odd stone chips here and there, only to be expected of an antediluvian car, but nothing that detracts from the car’s globally transmarsupial exquisiteness.

 

The interior is in very fine condition, with no rips, tears or fag burns. There are a couple of very faint stiletto style marks on the headlining toward the rear of the car and a couple of minor stains on the rear seat, which is only to be expected for such a magnet a la fan. All controls work as they should and the heater blows very well, far better than some(one) I could mention...

 

Only ever run on fully sympathetic oil, the car has been regularly serviced to the highest possible standards by Phillip Ploppy. Only ever fed on beer, donuts and cigarettes, Ploppy comes from a long line of automotive engineers and is genetically pre-disposed to his trade, displaying the ability to simultaneously suck air in through his teeth whilst tutting and shaking his head. He is the only mechanic I trust to work on my vehicles, and as long as he keeps away from my wife he’ll be wielding a spanner for some time to come yet.

 

I have all the paperwork dating back to 1981, as can be seen in the pictures. The car comes with 12 months MoT and tax, which was only purchased last night down at the Pro and Con from Willy the Gimp, so you’ve not got to worry about those 2 for another year.

 

Viewing is positively encouraged, provided you bring a valid passport, 2 active credit cards and a monkey. Bear in mind that the car is advertised to sell and I will not entertain tyre lickers or skidmarkers. If you want to test drive the car, Ronnie the knife will be looking after the aforementioned plus your driving license and taking a keen interest in your future health.

 

[Albert Ross]

That's Highland Green!

[ashmicro]

WTF? Good laugh, though!

[willswitchengage]

I'm sure he said lots of unpleasant things about the Pinto once it's 'idiosyncrasies' were known to one and all though!

 

I have the updated version sitting alongside the other books on my hippie shelves about peak oil and conspiracy theories

[Cavcraft]

Mr Bickle's avatar.