What makes you grin? Antidote to grumpy thread

[retrogeezer]

nice sunset pic Jon...

 

 

this makes me smile:

 

[cort16]

I'm just back from Krakow and spotted this beauty outside an office I was visiting.

 

pisshat by cort16, on Flickr

[Lufthansa-Terminal]

Oil Change instructions

 

Oil Change instructions for women:

 

1) Pull up to kwik fit when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since

the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly

maintained vehicle.

 

Money spent:

Oil Change £20.00

Coffee £1.00

Total £21.00

 

Oil Change instructions for men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to Auto Zone parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for £50.00.

2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for £20, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

18) Sunday: Skip shopping because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to the tip to recycle.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface, be sure filter is full of oil.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower fuel.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on bodywork.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin swearing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Swear for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit wifes car.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for drink driving.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call wife

50) 24 hours later, get car from impound yard.

 

Money spent:

Parts £50.00

Fines £500.00

Impound fee £105.00

Beer £40.00

Total £695.00

 

But you know the job was done right!

[Conrad D. Conelrad]

1) Pull up to kwik fit when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since

the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly

maintained vehicle.

 

DOES NOT COMPUTE

ERROR AT LINE 3

[dollywobbler]

30ft tall French puppets. No idea why, but I love it all the same.

[boobydoo]

On the subject of garden goings-on, I've just spent half an hour being entertained by my local robin scaring the living daylights out of a little black cat that appeared in the garden. The robin has a nest in a hedge next door and the cat was getting perilously close.

 

Much twittering and dive-bombing ensued...at first the cat went on the offensive, climbing up fences and trees to try and catch the red breasted fiend, but fair-dos to the little blighter, he eventually chased the cat off. He's a canny fellow...very tame, but always bossing other birds about on the feeder.

 

Better than watching crappy Saturday night TV, anyway.

[retrogeezer]

yeh, birds are very entertaining, I'm always watching them in the garden chasing each other about, blackbirds especially as the males have their little stand offs over the females.

 

Got a dove nesting at the back of our sky dish at the moment too:

 

[DSdriver]

Collared doves are really crap at nestbuilding. Mind you, it is probably not worth their while building a descent nest as they always get trashed by the youngsters.

We have a pair of wood pigeons with a nest in our yew tree. It is great fun watching the lardy bastards trying to take off from the thin flexy yew branches without getting whipped up the arse by a yew branch that has suddenly been unburdened.

[Lord Sterling]

Its not very often (Or at all) that the BBC ever makes me smile, but they have done tonight with thier take on the 70s and presenting the old 70s BBC 2 idents with that 'homely' voice-over the announcer has. I also liked the announcements of coming programmes where the announcer announces the programme over a generic/paused shot of the programme, no fancy music or stupid graphics, just a shot of the programme and the announcers voice.

 

Whilst I wasnt born until the early 80s, I do seem to remember that they carried this type of programme announcing until the early 90s.

 

I wish they'd just keep it like that.

[Vin]

BBC4 made my night by showing 'The Bridge'. IT'S ACE

 

They are going to be showing 'Lilyhammer' too.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfRgVbp9gSY

 

TOP MARKS BBC4.

[autofive]

BBC4 made my night by showing 'The Bridge'. IT'S ACE

 

TOP MARKS BBC4.

 

just watched 'the Bridge' on Iplayer

 

i'd recommend it

[Spiny Norman]

BBC4 made my night by showing 'The Bridge'. IT'S ACE

 

They are going to be showing 'Lilyhammer' too.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfRgVbp9gSY

 

TOP MARKS BBC4.

I've recorded them for future consumption. I really enjoyed the Euro-cop shows they've had on Beeb4 recently.

Montalbano was pretty to look at and full of shite with the eponymous hero piloting a Fiat Tipo.

Wallander was ace too.

[Mr H Sceptre]

This photo I took of my cat, Clarence, last night is making me grin:

 

[scaryoldcortina]

Excellent cat pic.

 

These two furry terrors are making us grin.

This is Jinx and Freaky, two of the kittens we kept from last year's unexpected litter. We call them both "Jinkies" because we can't tell them apart most of the time.

[RoadworkUK]

I can now post on Autoshite using voice recognition! it's an exercise in laziness and it makes passersby think I'm talking to myself.

 

also the voice recognition is relatively accurate as my butterscotch hemoglobin will testify.

[Albert Ross]

Drove home from Anglesey to Doncaster today. Quite a dreary journey at the best of times, but ended up right behind a TVR Griffith for the Woodhead stretch. Radio off, window open..... what a sound track! K plater, no cat. Cough. Choke

[RoadworkUK]

So after visiting Mutha and Fatha Roadwork, I thought I'd return to my hovel wearing my works clothes, which I'll need tomorrow. Genius that I am, I thought I'd just go out to the garage and give the lounge radiator another coat of paint; from a Ronseal can.

 

My suit trousers now have white blotches and my legs look like a cow.

[Timewaster]

voice recognition is relatively accurate as my butterscotch hemoglobin will testify.

 

Arf Arf!

[eddyramrod]

Mate in our classic club gave me a load of Old Bike Mart papers yesterday at the meeting. Now I'm no biker, although I think I can see a reason to have a 1960s moped in Barrow but actually, these mags have some interesting articles in them. When I've read them I'll pass them on to another mate who does like bikes.

[willswitchengage]

Loving the cats Here's ours at Christmas

 

 

And this is what happened the last time I went to collect bits of car I bought on ebay

 

[dollywobbler]

Here's me hurtling around our garden with our cat in a wheelbarrow. Oddly, she seemed to enjoy it...

 

I R LUV BARROWS

[DSdriver]

On Saturday morning I took a parcel into the post office in our village because I couldn't get an on line courier booking as it was too long to send to the Orkney Islands. The chap in the post office stuck a standard parcels stamp on it and assured me it would be OK. I have just had a call from my customer to say that it arrived about half past three this afternoon. Excellent service - well done Her Maj. and all who work for her.

[eddyramrod]

Now THAT's service! Result!

[fotorabia]

My Yorkshireman flatmate...having been ripped off for two weeks wages on a building site..about to go batter the fookwhit who ripped him off..striking a blow and emancipating all workers who have been fiddled by this twat...excellent!

[eddyramrod]

May issue of PC arrived today. I have almost two whole pages of Rust In Peace! WOOHOO! Showed it to Andreas, because my photos are of his cars, and he was highly amused.

[vulgalour]

I don't have a cat pic to share - though 'barrow cat did make me lol - but I have been rather happy to have not only finished my work targets set for myself today, but also an additional Maestro watercolour and got an e-mail enquiry for a new commission which means (prospectively) more money. Yay!

 

Now, if only I can find out how to get more money in I'll be winning at stuff and might even be able to throw some pictures of the Queen at the Polo.

[Cavcraft]

Dave approves Barrowcat pictures

 

[myglaren]

Dumt och Farligt

[dollywobbler]

May issue of PC arrived today. I have almost two whole pages of Rust In Peace! WOOHOO! Showed it to Andreas, because my photos are of his cars, and he was highly amused.

 

I noticed that. Well done.

[michiel]

Dumt och Farligt

 

Some aesthetically pleasing stuff in that silly video.