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  • 1 month later...
On ‎6‎/‎12‎/‎2013 at 2:17 PM, John F said:

Citroen Xsara Picasso - goppingly awful bloated bastard carrier, driven by grunting mongs and their enormous scowling wives to transport their revolting sticky children from one McDonald's to the next. Or a baked potato-shaped MPV for the masses, if you're being charitable.

 

PMSL (Sorry thread bump, genuine lol'ed at this)

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SPEARS OR REAPERS (n) or similar unintentional mis-spellings often found in used car advertisements to indicate to the potential buyer that the vehicle has been rendered unroadworthy by the seller, usually the consequence of failed fixorating  or an unsuccessful bodge

WILL FLY THRU TEST (colloq.) overly-optimistic fortune-telling by desperate seller of vehicle which is out of MoT but is usually FUBAR.  See also 'ONLY NEEDS FIVE QUID PART TO FIX, HAVEN'T GOT TIME TO DO IT MESELF'

FETTLING (v) The act of lovingly conducting a series of small maintenance tasks to a vehicle.

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  • 6 months later...

Period Correct Repair: techniques described in 60s/70s DIY manuals, involving chicken wire, wob, cataloy, fibreglass, newspaper and/or parcel tape, for the permanent* rectification of speed holes/additional lightening or touch parking injuries. 

Interestingly, from a Shito-Social History point of view, the 'period' could well be argued to have extended comfortably into the late 90s, without any evolution of technique. Indeed in some places, it is still a live and valid method. (See Eddy's Cadillac woes for example)

 

(Thanks to the contributors on that thread for the inspiration)

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We probably had these:

NEEDS RECOMISSIONING:

Posh talk for ******. Been off road 20 years rusted solid.

RARE CAR NOW:

Yes they were rubbish then and now most have rusted away.

TITLED FORMER OWNER:

A **** who never maintained car.

GREAT INVESTMENT:

Bitcoin trading probably a much safer bet than that pile of ****.

JUST NEEDS WELDING:

If you have ninja welding skills, a workshop and 2000 hours to spare.

SHOULD PASS MOT:

20200713_090238.jpg.87b64cbd7b7646103804507e4a147b17.jpg

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  • 2 weeks later...

A few other small ad terms that should set alarm bells off:

Unfinished Project:  A money pit on wheels full of bodges that will need sorting out even before you start a restoration.

Aftermarket Alloys: A car of the same make locally is propped up on bricks.

Aftermarket Radio: A car in the area has a hole in the dashboard, and the wiring has been fudged by twisting the wires together and wrapping them in sellotape.

Aftermarket bodykit: A badly installed kit from Demon Tweaks fitted with pop rivets and bodyfill, then sprayed over from a badly matched rattle can.

Low Mileage for Year:  a 15 year old car that's done 120000 miles.

New Tyres: Badly fitted no brand ditch finder remoulds for £20 each.

No mention of sunroof in ad:  It's an power one that doesn't work or blows the fuse when tested.  Or else it simply leaks like Niagara Falls in spite of the yards of duct tape around it.

Good Runner: It moves under it's own power but don't risk thrashing it.

Smooth Runner: Thanks to some gearbox oil, sawdust or ground cork added to the sump to quieten things down.

No MOT: The last time it was tested the reject slip was like the Gettysburg Address.

One Careful Owner: Along with the second hand dealer who used it as a runaround for months, the next customer who never bothered to send the V5 off, and his mate who borrowed it for an extended time.

Classic: A base model 1970s car that has been sitting in a garden up to it's axles in mud for over 30 years under a leaky tarp.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Pinched from Djoptix's MGeeF ad for posterity once all this batflu stuff has subsided/been replaced with something even worse;

Boris MOT - state mandated extension to the mandatory annual vehicle inspection during the coronavirus epidemic, due to the need for key workers to drive to work unimpeded and the enforced closure of non essential businesses. Exploited by all and sundry to legitimise the use of unroadworthy shitheaps on the Queens Highway for a further six months after the ticket was due to expire.

MOT exempt- indefinitely exempt from any form of compulsory testing and the condition and roadworthiness of this vehicle is completely down to the conscience of the current owner. Beware if this is listed as one of the car's good points, or if it appears in CAPITAL LETTERS in the ebay description.

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On 7/23/2020 at 11:55 PM, Richard_FM said:

A few other small ad terms that should set alarm bells off:

Unfinished Project:  A money pit on wheels full of bodges that will need sorting out even before you start a restoration.

Aftermarket Alloys: A car of the same make locally is propped up on bricks.

Aftermarket Radio: A car in the area has a hole in the dashboard, and the wiring has been fudged by twisting the wires together and wrapping them in sellotape.

Aftermarket bodykit: A badly installed kit from Demon Tweaks fitted with pop rivets and bodyfill, then sprayed over from a badly matched rattle can.

Low Mileage for Year:  a 15 year old car that's done 120000 miles.

New Tyres: Badly fitted no brand ditch finder remoulds for £20 each.

No mention of sunroof in ad:  It's an power one that doesn't work or blows the fuse when tested.  Or else it simply leaks like Niagara Falls in spite of the yards of duct tape around it.

Good Runner: It moves under it's own power but don't risk thrashing it.

Smooth Runner: Thanks to some gearbox oil, sawdust or ground cork added to the sump to quieten things down.

No MOT: The last time it was tested the reject slip was like the Gettysburg Address.

One Careful Owner: Along with the second hand dealer who used it as a runaround for months, the next customer who never bothered to send the V5 off, and his mate who borrowed it for an extended time.

Classic: A base model 1970s car that has been sitting in a garden up to it's axles in mud for over 30 years under a leaky tarp.

* unfinished project:

Some significant and unobtainable parts missing.

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On 11/08/2020 at 18:37, Soundwave said:

"Good condition for year" - in much the same way that Tutankhamun's corpse is in good condition for its year. Yes, it's held up better than some of its contemporaries, but it's still one sharp knock away from crumbling to dust.

This always makes me laugh, even more is the ‘average condition for year’, really? Average condition for year is being recycled into a zanussi dishwasher.

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'x condition for year' always makes me think they're trying to describe vintage as a positive. Like, for fuck's sake pal, we're on the relative merits of 2007 Astras here, not Chablis or Old Pulteney. Was the 2006 production really that much worser?

Granted some makers have had bad patches, which it's better to know about and take into account: but does 'x condition for year' mean that much when we're on the relative merits of a known banger? 

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Cannock 

1. a town in Staffordshire, England, where a chase-racing man with a hat lives;

2. (colloq.) reference to  Cannock Motor Auctions aka where vehicles go to die, typically they will be on their arse, are paraded around like a cow in a shed before a gurning and expectant crowd of dodgy second hand car dealers, Uber drivers, white van men and them excitable lot in the corner who never seem to bid on anything ever, except when 3. below applies; said vehicles will typically (i) have the ability to piss fluids all over the parade ring; (ii) rattle and crash like Chitty Chitty Bang Bang; (iii) belch out black smog from the exhaust; (iv) if German attract crowds of aforementioned salesmen like a tramp on chips and will usually be sold for at least four times what they are worth; (v) feature one car with panel gaps you can fit a man's arm in; (vi)  include one plucky 'underdog' which said beige collective will select as their Pot Luck choice in the auction game as they know damn well that a bright green Toyota Yaris with a healthy affliction of dents, one week's MOT and 16 previous owners will make about 50 quid, but which inevitably bites all participants in the arse and actually sells for 4,000 quid;

3. as used in Cannock lucky dip roffle an uber-rare and hilarious* event which occurs once in a blue moon whereby members of a well known beige motoring forum purchase tickets for the possibility of 'winning' one of the 'vehicles which went there to die', hand selected and bid upon by sadistic and hand-wringing fellow members (usually from Scotland) attending said auction. Has resulted in a dodgy cabriolet being 'won' by a lucky* winner with NIL degree of gratitude shown thereafter ('got rid of it as soon as I clapped eyes on it' said a man from Chester yesterday, probably).

4. as used in the Phantom Auction Bidder of Cannock, see also the wall with no voice or arms

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1 hour ago, clayts450 said:

Cannock 

1. a town in Staffordshire, England, where a chase-racing man with a hat lives;

2. (colloq.) reference to  Cannock Motor Auctions aka where vehicles go to die, typically they will be on their arse, are paraded around like a cow in a shed before a gurning and expectant crowd of dodgy second hand car dealers, Uber drivers, white van men and them excitable lot in the corner who never seem to bid on anything ever, except when 3. below applies; said vehicles will typically (i) have the ability to piss fluids all over the parade ring; (ii) rattle and crash like Chitty Chitty Bang Bang; (iii) belch out black smog from the exhaust; (iv) if German attract crowds of aforementioned salesmen like a tramp on chips and will usually be sold for at least four times what they are worth; (v) feature one car with panel gaps you can fit a man's arm in; (vi)  include one plucky 'underdog' which said beige collective will select as their Pot Luck choice in the auction game as they know damn well that a bright green Toyota Yaris with a healthy affliction of dents, one week's MOT and 16 previous owners will make about 50 quid, but which inevitably bites all participants in the arse and actually sells for 4,000 quid;

3. as used in Cannock lucky dip roffle an uber-rare and hilarious* event which occurs once in a blue moon whereby members of a well known beige motoring forum purchase tickets for the possibility of 'winning' one of the 'vehicles which went there to die', hand selected and bid upon by sadistic and hand-wringing fellow members (usually from Scotland) attending said auction. Has resulted in a dodgy cabriolet being 'won' by a lucky* winner with NIL degree of gratitude shown thereafter ('got rid of it as soon as I clapped eyes on it' said a man from Chester yesterday, probably).

4. as used in the Phantom Auction Bidder of Cannock, see also the wall with no voice or arms

I submit the following addendum to point 2 above.  

Some of the sights are not for the faint of heart, such as spaceship Civic wing mirrors made purely of expanding foam, tyres that are smoother than Kojak's bonce and 5 Series BMW's driven into the roller shutter door leaving the ring as the buyer looks aghast as the hammer falls...  to be fully prepared sustenance is required, usually in the form of full English at the truckers rest, followed by a dethburger from the salmonella truck..

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Dunno if we've had these before, but I don't think so...

From the Shite Periodic Table (it's the bit below Lanthinides and Actinides that gets chopped off at the printers, honest...)

CHINESIUM: molecular weight indefinite, as it exists in a contradictory state, at once appearing functional yet failing to fill its' assigned task for long. Also known for predictably failing in unpredictable ways. Commonly found in the 'bargain' strata around E Bay.

UNOBTANIUM: molecular weight zero, as it exists as an idea only. It is not yet fully understood how unobtanium appears to be able to retrospectively 'infect' existing items made of other materials, thus rendering them unable to be fixed once broken, providing the replacement item is currently made of purest unobtanium. Not commonly found in any strata around E Bay, or anywhere for that matter. 

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23 minutes ago, CreepingJesus said:

...CHINESIUM: molecular weight indefinite, as it exists in a contradictory state, at once appearing functional yet failing to fill its' assigned task for long. Also known for predictably failing in unpredictable ways. Commonly found in the 'bargain' strata around E Bay.... 

...and also all over Amazon and all other good* pound shops. See also Halfrauds. 

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There is very much that. The Chinesium in particular, gets around a bit.

See also: RETRONIUM, an abundant and endlessly adaptable element, commonly alloyed with other elements to replace items made of UNOBTANIUM. Particularly when used in automotive and bicycle components, it becomes very expensive (unless alloyed with Chinesium).

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41 minutes ago, Nyphur said:

IT'S FUCKING FUCKED MATE, BIG TIME (IFFMBT):

 Phrase used by the MOT man to inform a shiter that his conveyance requires the lightest* of recommissioning in order to return it to full road-worthiness 

2 weeks later the same lover of all old cars, flings a piece of paper indicating an MOT pass across the counter and utters the words:  

"I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU FUCKING BOTHERED, IT CAN'T BE WORTH IT" 

every year for 4 years when I had a mini 850. 

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3 hours ago, Nyphur said:

IT'S FUCKING FUCKED MATE, BIG TIME (IFFMBT):

 Phrase used by the MOT man to inform a shiter that his conveyance requires the lightest* of recommissioning in order to return it to full road-worthiness 

I've actually had a phonecall from the MOT tester who asked "Are you sure you want me to put this through the test?" which is more or less the same thing, but in quietly spoken older gentleman. 

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 8/25/2020 at 2:00 PM, Nyphur said:

IT'S FUCKING FUCKED MATE, BIG TIME (IFFMBT):

 Phrase used by the MOT man to inform a shiter that his conveyance requires the lightest* of recommissioning in order to return it to full road-worthiness 

Truckshite Term also used by diesel fitters when a defect form is submitted for something as mundane as needing a new tyre, fan-belt or crimping on a new electrical connector because it involves tilting the cab or getting the 3/4” drive air gun out.

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