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Autoshite lexicon

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On 5/9/2018 at 3:09 PM, flat4alfa said:

 

Just realised the acronym itself isn't actually in this thread

 

JRG = Jewish Racing Gold - a metallic beige.

 

On 5/9/2018 at 6:04 PM, DodgeRover said:

Careful now...

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On ‎6‎/‎12‎/‎2013 at 2:17 PM, John F said:

Citroen Xsara Picasso - goppingly awful bloated bastard carrier, driven by grunting mongs and their enormous scowling wives to transport their revolting sticky children from one McDonald's to the next. Or a baked potato-shaped MPV for the masses, if you're being charitable.

 

PMSL (Sorry thread bump, genuine lol'ed at this)

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SPEARS OR REAPERS (n) or similar unintentional mis-spellings often found in used car advertisements to indicate to the potential buyer that the vehicle has been rendered unroadworthy by the seller, usually the consequence of failed fixorating  or an unsuccessful bodge

WILL FLY THRU TEST (colloq.) overly-optimistic fortune-telling by desperate seller of vehicle which is out of MoT but is usually FUBAR.  See also 'ONLY NEEDS FIVE QUID PART TO FIX, HAVEN'T GOT TIME TO DO IT MESELF'

FETTLING (v) The act of lovingly conducting a series of small maintenance tasks to a vehicle.

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Period Correct Repair: techniques described in 60s/70s DIY manuals, involving chicken wire, wob, cataloy, fibreglass, newspaper and/or parcel tape, for the permanent* rectification of speed holes/additional lightening or touch parking injuries. 

Interestingly, from a Shito-Social History point of view, the 'period' could well be argued to have extended comfortably into the late 90s, without any evolution of technique. Indeed in some places, it is still a live and valid method. (See Eddy's Cadillac woes for example)

 

(Thanks to the contributors on that thread for the inspiration)

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We probably had these:

NEEDS RECOMISSIONING:

Posh talk for ******. Been off road 20 years rusted solid.

RARE CAR NOW:

Yes they were rubbish then and now most have rusted away.

TITLED FORMER OWNER:

A **** who never maintained car.

GREAT INVESTMENT:

Bitcoin trading probably a much safer bet than that pile of ****.

JUST NEEDS WELDING:

If you have ninja welding skills, a workshop and 2000 hours to spare.

SHOULD PASS MOT:

20200713_090238.jpg.87b64cbd7b7646103804507e4a147b17.jpg

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"Stunning".......unless you're blessed with the gift of sight

"Driver perfect"...............it might well do, but mangled syntax renders it to be a gopping shed.

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A few other small ad terms that should set alarm bells off:

Unfinished Project:  A money pit on wheels full of bodges that will need sorting out even before you start a restoration.

Aftermarket Alloys: A car of the same make locally is propped up on bricks.

Aftermarket Radio: A car in the area has a hole in the dashboard, and the wiring has been fudged by twisting the wires together and wrapping them in sellotape.

Aftermarket bodykit: A badly installed kit from Demon Tweaks fitted with pop rivets and bodyfill, then sprayed over from a badly matched rattle can.

Low Mileage for Year:  a 15 year old car that's done 120000 miles.

New Tyres: Badly fitted no brand ditch finder remoulds for £20 each.

No mention of sunroof in ad:  It's an power one that doesn't work or blows the fuse when tested.  Or else it simply leaks like Niagara Falls in spite of the yards of duct tape around it.

Good Runner: It moves under it's own power but don't risk thrashing it.

Smooth Runner: Thanks to some gearbox oil, sawdust or ground cork added to the sump to quieten things down.

No MOT: The last time it was tested the reject slip was like the Gettysburg Address.

One Careful Owner: Along with the second hand dealer who used it as a runaround for months, the next customer who never bothered to send the V5 off, and his mate who borrowed it for an extended time.

Classic: A base model 1970s car that has been sitting in a garden up to it's axles in mud for over 30 years under a leaky tarp.

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Pinched from Djoptix's MGeeF ad for posterity once all this batflu stuff has subsided/been replaced with something even worse;

Boris MOT - state mandated extension to the mandatory annual vehicle inspection during the coronavirus epidemic, due to the need for key workers to drive to work unimpeded and the enforced closure of non essential businesses. Exploited by all and sundry to legitimise the use of unroadworthy shitheaps on the Queens Highway for a further six months after the ticket was due to expire.

MOT exempt- indefinitely exempt from any form of compulsory testing and the condition and roadworthiness of this vehicle is completely down to the conscience of the current owner. Beware if this is listed as one of the car's good points, or if it appears in CAPITAL LETTERS in the ebay description.

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On 7/23/2020 at 11:55 PM, Richard_FM said:

A few other small ad terms that should set alarm bells off:

Unfinished Project:  A money pit on wheels full of bodges that will need sorting out even before you start a restoration.

Aftermarket Alloys: A car of the same make locally is propped up on bricks.

Aftermarket Radio: A car in the area has a hole in the dashboard, and the wiring has been fudged by twisting the wires together and wrapping them in sellotape.

Aftermarket bodykit: A badly installed kit from Demon Tweaks fitted with pop rivets and bodyfill, then sprayed over from a badly matched rattle can.

Low Mileage for Year:  a 15 year old car that's done 120000 miles.

New Tyres: Badly fitted no brand ditch finder remoulds for £20 each.

No mention of sunroof in ad:  It's an power one that doesn't work or blows the fuse when tested.  Or else it simply leaks like Niagara Falls in spite of the yards of duct tape around it.

Good Runner: It moves under it's own power but don't risk thrashing it.

Smooth Runner: Thanks to some gearbox oil, sawdust or ground cork added to the sump to quieten things down.

No MOT: The last time it was tested the reject slip was like the Gettysburg Address.

One Careful Owner: Along with the second hand dealer who used it as a runaround for months, the next customer who never bothered to send the V5 off, and his mate who borrowed it for an extended time.

Classic: A base model 1970s car that has been sitting in a garden up to it's axles in mud for over 30 years under a leaky tarp.

* unfinished project:

Some significant and unobtainable parts missing.

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On 11/08/2020 at 18:37, Soundwave said:

"Good condition for year" - in much the same way that Tutankhamun's corpse is in good condition for its year. Yes, it's held up better than some of its contemporaries, but it's still one sharp knock away from crumbling to dust.

This always makes me laugh, even more is the ‘average condition for year’, really? Average condition for year is being recycled into a zanussi dishwasher.

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'x condition for year' always makes me think they're trying to describe vintage as a positive. Like, for fuck's sake pal, we're on the relative merits of 2007 Astras here, not Chablis or Old Pulteney. Was the 2006 production really that much worser?

Granted some makers have had bad patches, which it's better to know about and take into account: but does 'x condition for year' mean that much when we're on the relative merits of a known banger? 

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