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Autoshite lexicon

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 Seems like we're expecting a sudden influx of members on this new fangled board doo-hickey, so I've compiled the following (in the style of Viz's Profanisaurus) to allow them to stand a fighting chance of knowing what us saddos are banging on about. Feel free to add any more terms I may have missed. 

 

 

Bavarian Sierra – A BMW 3 series.

 

BOL (or Book of Lies) – Owners Workshop Manuals, published by Haynes. Lies are in the form of statements such as “refitting is the reversal of removalâ€Â. These publications have led to much shite being stranded in lock-ups the world over.

 

Bubble Rovers – the Rover 200 (later 25) that succeeded the R8. Increasingly seen as being loaded with WIN (see also).

 

Disastra – Vauxhall Astra. Seemingly more Disastraous with successive models – the Mk 1 being seen as something of a WINNAR – mobile (see also), whilst the latest model is seen by some as a bloated example of everything wrong with modern cars.

 

EPIC – A purchase of outstanding quality. May be an acronym for Excellence Personified In Car form (or that may be utter bullshit).

 

eBay mongs – A particularly annoying lifeform, who seem to congeregate in this online market. Often reported to communicate by grunting. They can usually be discerned by spotting the tell-tale signs, such as crap/vague/misleading descriptions of their goods (often almost entirely in TXT SPK), upside down pictures, over-optimistic valuations, or offers to buy a grand’s worth of car for “HNDRD CASH – COLCT 2NITE M8?â€Â. Best avoided, although this isn’t always possible. Invariably they know someone “in the tradeâ€Â*, who accompanies them on a test drive.

 

*or has seen 8 episodes of Wheeler Dealers and is thus up there with Wayne Carini in the knowledge department.

 

Evil Bay – eBay. Usually described as such by those who have been royally screwed in terms of fees and/or their eBay rating, or who have suffered terribly at the hands of eBay mongs (see also).

 

Gallic Allegro – Renault 14.

 

Gopping – Of dubious aesthetic quality, e.g. a Ssang-Yyong Rodius, or David Gest.

 

Halfrauds – Halfords. Mention of this word is almost as divisive as that of Vauxhall (see also).

 

HGF – (often prefaced by OMG, to express extreme surprise) Head Gasket Failure. Seen by some as almost inevitable for Kettle series engines (see also).

 

Kettle series – A range of engines used in Rover vehicles from 1989 onwards. Often suffering from OMG HGF (see also). Sometimes known as K Series.

 

Grim – an expression of the excellence of a particular vehicle. Grimness is usually determined by the vehicle’s unattractiveness to the general motoring public, poor levels of equipment or appointments, or general poor condition. Grimness can usually be enhanced by paint or trim in unappealing ‘earth’ colours, dubious reliability, and a general “un-MOT-able†air. Grim vehicles are best photographed in a ‘vibrant’ part of town with a blurry camera phone, for maximum effect.

 

‘Honda’ engined – A flowery term used by eBay mongs (see also) to try and convince even more mongish punters to buy their K series/ diesel engined Rover on eBay. Were you to believe the pronouncements of these vendors, you would have to come to the conclusion that there are more Honda engine Rover products in existence now than ever actually left Rover’s factories in the first place.

 

Pisshat – VW Passat.

 

Pogweasel Pink – A definite shade that red cars fade to over time. Not quite pink, but pinkish, and not red either. Named after a number of afflicted vehicles owned by prolific former member “Pogweaselâ€Â.

 

Puke – Nissan Juke. Also known as the Joke, Datsun on Stilts, etc., etc.

 

RATLUK – The needless ruination of perfectly good cars by knobheads trying to be ‘individual’.

 

ROFLcopter – an almost mythical device that used to be deployed many years ago at times of extreme mirth. Its exact purpose was unclear, but it is possible that the combination of the downdraught from its rotor blades, and the fumes from its poorly maintained powerplant may have sent those in the vicinity into a sort-of laughing gas like stupor, thus prolonging the aforementioned mirth. Not seen for years, it is rumoured that the ROFLcopter was KV6 powered and thus has suffered an inevitable double HGF (see also). Unfounded rumours abound that it may be stashed in Sam Glover’s hangar, behind a DAF.

 

Scene tax – An extraordinarily stupid levy applied to cars that are seen as being cool, and part of a ‘scene’, which drives the price up to stupid levels. Usually applies to sporty Fords and VAG products.

 

Shizzle – Shite.

 

Tagora – A byword for excellence, and a car which ownership of marks you out as being in the Special Forces of shiting.

 

Top bombing – A pronouncement of approval at the latest ill-advised purchase of shizzle by one of our own.

 

Unpleasantness (the) – The demise of MGRover in 2005.

 

Vauxhall – The UK arm of GM’s global car manufacturing business. Possibly the most divisive word you can type into this forum, as if you do this someone will soon be along to tell you “ALL VXLs ARE SHIT M8!â€Â

 

WIN – An indeterminate quality, but the source of much awe in Autoshite circles. The easiest way to summarise is to say that a Daewoo Leganza has significantly more WIN than a brand new Golf.

 

WINNAR –mobile – A chariot of champions, such as a Talbot Tagora.

 

Yankee Allegro – AMC Pacer.

 

 

 

 

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      Giffer Spec.   A type of car you know is either owned by or was bought new by anyone over 65.

                            For example...Austin Maestro 1.3 Auto in Hearing aid beige

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The Acronym (which i think is the right term) ATCNBE.

I believe it to be exclusively used on this site, origins unknown, but often attached/used to caption a photo of a vehicle/item of dubious quality, which also features a (normally) female with some kind of attractive* physical attribute. More recently used most often in the "ebay tat" thread or the "cars and girls" thread. Or used sarcastically when anything is advertised by that dodgy looking foreign bird off "Goldies"(?).

"lovely bodywork, great headlights, goes like a train. ATCNBE"

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For the Honda* engined Rovers, I think the rule is if it's broken it's one of those "Shitty Rover engines", if it has been reliable then it is a Honda (or BMW).

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'Mingebag': most rubbish/cheapskate.

 

'Hammering a smaller': the art of dragging a joke out for several years, each subsequent one being less funny than the last. Which itself is pretty remarkable.

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D701SWL - legendary Land Rover which can be claimed by anyone, to have been bought at any time in the past, present or future, by their relative of choice.

 

Barried/Barry Boy - the process, and processor of attachment of vast quantities of plastic, wob and tint film to an unsuspecting car. Usually hideous to the point of hilarity. See also Chav Chariot or (in Scotland) Nedmobile.

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D701SWL - legendary Land Rover which can be claimed by anyone, to have been bought at any time in the past, present or future, by their relative of choice.

 

For example: I bought Defender 110 reg. no. D701 SWL in two years' time, brand new, from the previous owner who was my dad, but he didn't actually own it because it was brand new. Or it will be, in 2 year's time. PHACT.

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