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The Redtop Brigade - Vauxhall enthusiasts of a certain ilk, who seem determined to put every 'redtop' XE ever made into every small FWD Vauxhall ever made. Statistically impossible, unless they've got the engines on timeshare.

Don't forget people bodging them into rwd escorts, capris, mantas, kit cars because it's a redtop innit and honest it's a coscast head

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GLWS: Good Luck With Sale. See Also: Hahaha, you saw a reply to your thread and thought you might have got some interest but NOPE, it's no closer to being sold.

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"Stunning", and "drives excellent" usually means it isn't and it doesn't...............

 

Yep, but that's NOT autoshite terminology, it's fluent ebay mongish. We're generally honest about the degree of borkedness of vehicles. 

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OMGALL[insert thing here]ARECRAP - parody of internet parlance.  Usually the thing is Vauxhalls or Modern Cars.

 

Pickarsehole - Carries people, children and McDonalds' detritus.

 

C***a - A small hatchback made by Vauxhall.  See also Coarser and OMGALL[insert thing here]ARECRAP

 

Onion - A Ford Escort with a boot.

 

Modern Cars - A thing that we know exist and a few Autoshiters admit to owning and using, but which we all know are actually rubbish*.

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I CAN HAZ TEH AUTOSHITE GLOSSARY:111!!!111!!!!!111111!111!1111! !!!!!!!!!!!1!1!!!!1111!!!!1!!1!1!!!!11!:

 

WARNING: CONTAINS LANGUAGE**. 

 

Ah yes, Teh Holey Grale. The Phisolopher's Tone. (sic) That perfect moment when one's forced induction collects up every single atom of hydrocarbon, and every single oxygen atom and fuses them into one supermassive event? It has been contended by Professor Trevor Carbrain of Cucumbernauld University that this event would lead to the entirety of existence being sucked through a manky K+N into a wormhole, and being spat out the other end to begin again. It may well begin with a creation myth involving excess throttle while changing lanes on the M8 near Whitburn at approx 1900hrs on a wet Wednesday... 

 

AUTOSHITE ACRONYMS:

 

AICMFP -- And I Claim My Five Pounds. After newspaper competitions, such as Lobby Lud, where readers were offered money for spotting a certain figure in public and accosting him with the phrase that pays, e.g.: "You are Lobby Lud, and I claim my five pounds."

ATCNBE -- As formerly used in the [now-deleted] "Cars and Girls" thread: "Cracking headlights! And The Car's Not Bad Either!" &c.

BOL (Book of Lies) -- Owners Workshop Manuals, published by Haynes. At first sight the book is a jumble of nonsense intended to insult the reader. Lies are in the form of statements such as: "Refitting is the reverse of removal." Which thought is itself untrue. These publications have led to much shite being stranded in lock-ups the world over.

CAV -- Lucas CAV diesel pump range, known to be not quite as good for vegetable oil-pumping as the Bosch equivalent.

CBA -- "Can't Be Arsed." Disease, often chronic. Can manifest itself as a general lack of Arsedness. See: Arsedness

CPTC -- Cat Piss Tarp Challenge. When posting shite spots, the challenge of guessing what vehicle lurks beneath an old builder's tarpaulin that smells of cat piss.

EFA -- Edited For Accuracy. Used to imply: "Obviously you meant: '_____' instead? EFA!"

EPIC -- A purchase of outstanding quality. May be an acronym for Excellence Personified In Car form (or that may be utter bulls&$#*).

EWS System -- Fitted to post-1994 BMW's in the D.F.T. and elsewhere, purportedly an anti-theft measure, with one possibly inconvenient undocumented feature (i.e. a bug) which means that the engine, Eventually Won't Start. See: Fail to Proceed

FFS -- For F*@%'s Sake...

FTFY -- Fixed That For You. Usually used after editing someone's post for comedic effect. (See: EFA)

FTW -- For The Win.

FUBAR -- F*@%ed Up Beyond All Recognition. See: Grenading.

GLF -- Gar'n Like F*@% -- A meeting of Scotoshiters at a drag strip to see whom can kill their home-tuned veg powered dizzer the quickest. Bonus points are awarded for breaking down en route to the event.  "Sorry officer, I did not observe that nun's kitten transporting vehicle, I was too busy gar'n like f*@%."

GLWTS -- An expression of sympathy offered when a member is rash/daft enough to offer his P&J for sale in this forum. Literal translation is: "This car is too far away/too little/too big/too new/needs too much work/ for me and I would not touch it with a bargepole even if it wasn't -- but the bigger fool theory might just apply here."

HGF -- (Often prefaced by OMG, to express extreme surprise) -- Head Gasket Failure. Seen by some as almost inevitable for Kettle series engines (see also). Overuse of this term is completely impossible on Autoshite.


ICE -- In-Car Entertainment.

IIABDFI -- If it ain't broke, don't fix it. 


IMHO -- In My Humble Opinion.

IMHE -- In My Humble Experience.


LHM -- Liquid Huile Mineral. A misnomer*. Refers to hydrolastic suspension fluid, as invented by Dr. Alex Moulton, and used on various Citroen and Morris products.


MPG -- For shite cars: Miles Per Gallon. For shit cars: Misery Per Gallon. Increased exponentially when rendered in TXT SPK, e.g.: OMGMPG.

OLLI (One Life, Live It) -- An unnecessarily large, impractical and thirsty 4x4 vehicle, esp. a Land Rover or Toyota product, which will frequently be kitted out with the biggest, knobbliest tyres its owner can acquire; bull bars; winch; jerry cans; sidesteps; snorkel air intake; random bits of chequerplate pop-riveted all over the show; and often a sticker (amongst many) in the rear window/on the tailmount spare wheel cover, advising fellow road users that they have ONE LIFE, LIVE IT! (Toyotas may also wear a variant of this slogan: "One life, don't spend it fixing Land Rovers!")

OLLI Warrior -- A person whose entire identity is built around their large and impractical 4x4 vehicle. This person may or may not also

have a passing interest in firearms and crossbows, make frequent mention of "Going off-grid in Wales when the shit hits the fan, yeah?", favour earth tones and camouflage patterns for their casual wardrobe, and constantly carry a frayed Eastpak rucksack which they refer to

as their "Bug-out bag, yeah?", containing mostly off-brand energy drinks, squashed blocks of Kendal Mint Cake and copies of Survivalist magazine. Despite appearances, these people generally live in urban areas, often with their parents, and have amassed a sizable library of books about the SAS from branches of The Works.


OMGHGF -- Refers to head gasket failure, an undocumented feature* of the Rover K(ettle)-series engines, as well as many others. Overuse of this term can be polarizing to some (See: CBA.)

OMGSNOKAOS -- A British winter. Can also be applied as a template to any scenario where the general public panic disproportionately. Also refer to Daily Mail for subject matter. See: SNOKAOS.



OSF -- Old Sporty Ford. Usually subject to swinging Scene Tax (see also). Most highly valuable OSFs can no longer be left parked on the roadside, as they would be taken, post-haste, by thieving scrotes. (NB: not to be confused with an Escrote, which is a Ford Escort).


P&J -- Pride and Joy.


PRV -- A lump, which is rough as a bear's arse, with a usable rev range of 2499 - 2501 rpm. Fitted to such things of beauty* as the Peugeot 604, Volvo 264, Talbot Tagora, UMM Alter II, Renault 30, Renault Espace, Delorean and Citroen XM.

PSA -- PSA Peugeot Citroen, French carmaker. See: Kack.


R.I.P. -- Rust In Place. See Cubed, PT Cruiser.

SE -- Special Equipment, typically a very high level of features/toys added to a BASE car to entice buyers to pay a premium, Also:  Selective Entry, when applied to BMW E46 door locking mechanisms and similar cars of dubious build quality. See: EWS System 

SVM -- Scottish Volvo Massive. Like William Wallace but with safety bumpers.

SWMBO -- She Who Must Be Obeyed, i.e. one's better half.

TADTS -- See: They All Do That, Sir.

TBH -- To Be Honest.

TXT SPK -- Derived from abbreviations once commonly used in sending text messages, usually indicating that the sender is dodgy and/or trying to hide something.  See:  Tosser.


VAG -- Volkswagen Auto Group, i.e.: Audi, Bentley, Bugatti, Lamborghihi, Porsche, SEAT, Skoda, Volkswagen. Though widely used, the term has no official* meaning.


WBOD -- Winter Beater Of Distinction. Often a rusty car which is slightly* past its best, driven only during the harsh British winter, to preserve another car which is only slightly* less rusty. (See: OMGSNOKAOS)

WCPGR -- What Could Possibly Go Right. More extreme version of OMGHGF. See: Vauxhall Coarser

WCPGW -- See: "What Could Possibly Go Wrong?"

^ WHS  -- "I agree with the previous post. What He Said."

WRT -- With Regard To...

WVO -- Waste Vegetable oil. Also called Veg oil, chip fat. A free* fuel for running in converted (often at great expense) diesel engines.

XU -- a range of petrol engines by Peugeot.

XUD -- a range of diesel engines by Peugeot.

 

AUTOSHITE PHRASES:

 

A-Framing -- A method of towing a possibly dead car, with a passably alive one. [Derived from the triangular shape of many car dollies.] Extra kudos gained from towing something of roughly equal mass to the towcar, over a long distance. Towing a Metro with a Discovery 40 miles is good. Towing a Discovery with a Metro from Central France to Dingwall is for WINNARZ. Restecp.

ALL VOXLZ R SHIT -- Autoshite dogma. See: OMG ALL _____ ARE SHIT

"All Teh Boost" -- See: "Moar boost."

"Buy it; They're great cars; I would if I had the money," etc. -- "I wouldn't touch one with a fifty foot disinfected barge pole, but it's not my money, and I'll laugh when I read your thread about it going wrong in style."

"Crashing the yogurt truck" -- Literally, an expression of severe oofage when a proper piece of chod is spotted, snapped, and produced on here in a spottage thread.

"Done a Peugeot" -- Something has broken and/or one of the doors doesn't open.

"Dragging its arse like a broke-dick dog" -- The standard "nose up" stance of most torsion bar-equipped PSA estates from the late 90s to early '00s.

"Drives Excellent" -- Anything that's even more atrocious to drive than a Lada Riva. Also see WINNAH.


"Electrocuting the tea lady" -- Willy waving, or bragging about your upbringing / youthful exploits on Autoshite. Can lead to the ban hammer being brought down on your cunning tool.

"Guaranteed MOT pass"-- Channel Islands-speak for: "It's fucked."


"Hammer(ing) a smaller(___________)over it" (e.g. "socket", &c.) -- The art of dragging a joke out for several years, each subsequent one being less funny than the last. Which itself is pretty remarkable.

"I refer my shite honourable friend, to the reply I gave, some moments ago." -- "Dude, I already said that. You must have missed it. Try reading my post again."  Derived from John Major's tag line, when he was the host, er, presenter on British TV game, er, quiz show: "Prime Minister's Questions." That show just hasn't been the same since he left... [/feigned ignorance]

"I refer the shite honourable gentleman, to the reply I gave, some moments ago." -- See: Daily Mail (reader of). See Also: (Flounce, Flouncer)


[iRONY] -- A variation of HTML tags; indicating the use of irony, sarcasm, or other concepts unfamiliar to those who may be new to Autoshite. Often used to shield the OP from any blowback caused by reader's probable failure to understand. [/iRONY]

"It's going over the bridge." -- Said of a car about to be weighed-in for scrap. See: Scrappy.


"I would, but it's too far away." (Insert lame repeated excuses here) -- Time-wasting [Daily Mail-reader.]

"I wouldn't have that off you for all the Volvos* in Scotland -- "Your price is too high. Would you kindly consider renegotiating?"    * and egg. Mustn't forget egg. 

"Killy Electric Death" -- High-tension voltage, and/or its related components.

"Moar boost" -- used in the quest for TEH HOLEY GRAYLE of "All Teh Boost" -- This is an unobtainable condition by dint of the fact you can ALWAYS add Moar boost. Some triple turbo's Cummins have got close...

"Made of Unobtainium" -- Parts that you won't find anywhere other than a scrappie's yard or a "specialist" breaker. Most often refers to that bit of trim that was uniquely fitted to your car for one week only during August in 1984. Likely to be a badge, 80's style stripe or bit of dash furniture. In more modern motors, refers to anything that you can only buy from a franchised main dealer at extortionate prices, like parts for Smart cars, or electronic thingumajigs.

"Mondeo in a party frock" -- A Ford Cougar. [Remember when Ozzy got pissed up, and pissed on the Alamo--wearing a green frock? That went down a treat, that did. COP: "Hey, you're a Brit, aren't you?...How would you feel if I pissed on Buckingham Palace?" Ozzy: "I don't know, I don't fucking live there, do I?"]


"Motability Spec" -- A low-mileage car in apparently good condition with service history, that reeks of wee and will repeatedly break when driven properly, because it's never been driven over 30mph thus far in its' life.


"Owned by Mechanic" -- A severely neglected car due to Can't-Be-Arsedness to turn a bolt after tinkering all day at work with customers' chod. Usually the rear seat and carpet are soaked with oil from carrying around engine and gearbox spares, and the steering wheel and driver's door pull are covered with a black crust.

"That's nice!" -- Shorthand for use in for sale thread meaning you have all ready checked reviews on Honest John and are halfway down the m6.

"The Full Quentin" --The age old car dealer trick to make shit cars worth more, by winding the odometer back by several thousand miles, like a certain slimeball used car dealer/dodgy warranty salesman Count Quentula Willson was busted for more than once.

"They all do that, sir." -- Used when referencing a problem, such as OMGHGF on a Rover K-series. Can also be used as an excuse for why your nice little earner is somewhat* less than perfect.

"This forum ain't what it used to be..." -- Often refers to a post asking for legal advice, claiming to have been caught doing 132MPH in a VW Golf, and asking if anyone knew of any solicitors who could find loopholes in the law...thus resulting in some memorable blowback. (See: Hammer(ing) a smaller(___________)over it)

"Totally fixerating bits & bobs" -- minor fettling, or sorting out other, minor issues once one's pride & joy has been made operable*. Never required of Toyotas, since they seem to always run until they don't.

Son of a Banker -- Prick. See: Ebay Trolls. Purveyors of mint* BMW's, with all-caps ads, e.g.: MINT AS IN MINT. WOW AS IN WOW THIS CAR MUST HAVE LEFT THE FACTORY YESTERDAY. PREVIOUS OWNER WAS A SON OF A BANKER. &c.


"What Could Possibly Go Wrong?" -- An Autoshite encapsulation of Murphy's Law. Also applicable to hand-builts or exotics bought unseen on eBay and collected on a rainy day after dark. (See: Murphy's law, Moccasins, Welly Power.)

"Your mileage may vary" -- To each his own.

 


AUTOSHITE WORDS:

 

Autoshite -- A UK forum for (roughly) pre-1998 car enthusiasts who would rather see such vehicles restored, preserved, and/or perhaps even driven, rather than bridged. For this reason, not a good place to post asking for cheap iron to banger-race, as you're likely to face copious quantities of blowback.

 

Asterisk -- The application of the ubiquitous asterisk* can imply hidden levels of meaning* to even the most mundane sentence: "Nobody can resist the obvious charms* of the FSO Polonez." Used to indicate footnotes, unless:

** A double asterisk can be used with endnotes, which often means one is lying. If one is being truthful*, one uses a single asterisk, and a footnote.

Alexei Sayle -- Scouse comedian. See: Motor.

Arthur Daley -- F'geezer wif da bunny in tha trilby 'at... From a novelty-era song by The Firm, derived from "Minder," a UK TV show about a dodgy used car salesman and his minder, Terence, (who would be called a bodyguard in the American.) 

Arnold Clark -- Honest* upright* purveyor of quality used cars* and garage services* to the masses*. Purveyor of quality* motor vehicles with great* customer service*. Frequently a source of long and winding threads usually descending into arguments. A byword for keen prices and quality services, guaranteed to bring out at least ten posters who've experienced the quality* at some time. See: Arthur Daley.

Arsedness -- Motivation, Botherance.

Aldi -- German supplier of quality tools, car accessories, and essentials such as beer and carpet slippers. (In the D.F.T., groceries only at present.)

Audi -- German maker of motorcars based in Ingolstadt.

Badermatic -- Automatic transmission, named after the famous WWII fighter ace, Douglas Bader, who flew aircraft despite having prosthetic legs.

Banger Racing -- (Called a Demolition Derby in the D.F.T.) -- Sanctioned* and regulated* form of racing in which the object is to prep and build a car to withstand being driven as if it were stolen. An automotive anarchy of sorts, as the last wheels turning win the race.

BARJ -- Large luxury* vehicle.

Barn Find -- A car on eBay that hasn't been driven for over 4 hours and was washed a week or more ago, yet has no keys or documents. Price will be correspondingly higher than the other 3000 examples available. Can also be rendered in TXT SPK, e.g. : OMGBARNFINDZ

Barrett -- To buy a plastic car that is rusty as fuck.

Barried / Barry Boy -- The process, and processor of attachment of vast quantities of plastic, wob and tint film to an unsuspecting car. Usually hideous to the point of hilarity. See also Chav Chariot or (in Scotland) Nedmobile.

Base --  A Vehicle of basic specification, having the trim level fitted by the factory in the lowest specification possible from the list of options.  See Also: Bog-spec.  Possible examples:  Cavalier L, Alfasud N, Escort Popular (or not even worthy of a letter or term if available from the factory in that form).  The term appears to be more common in US parlance than UK, but gaining ground, yet describes what Autoshite is all about: Cheap, Miserable, Shit Old Cars.

Bavarian Sierra -- A BMW 3 series.

Bellend -- Dickhead. See: "I would, but it's too far away."

Biscuit tin -- Improvised body panels. Also a fitting end for Vauxhalls, Yugos and such like.

Blag -- 1. Job, usually robbery or other nefarious criminal activity. 2. Drive, as in "Going for a blag up to Yonks. From Kent."

Bleb -- A unit of weld.

Blezz -- To drive briskly, i.e.: I wouldn't mind having a blezz about in that. ATCNBE!!

Blowback -- Unintended consequences, such as being flamed for being lapped by the rest of the field, or for drawing cocks on restroom doors, that sort of thing.

Bodge --  A temporary fix, often involving vise-grips, gaffer tape and/or bailing wire. Can also mean an improvised, though inelegant, temporary solution*.

Bog-spec -- See: Povo-Spec. "Bog" is an off-color, and possibly offensive, Scouse word for toilet, which can also mean a slum.

Brassic -- Poor. So poor, all one has left in one's pockets is borasic lint.

Breakers -- Salvage yards; derived from "Breaking for Spares" (as opposed to "Junked for Parts" in the American.) See: Scrappie.

Bridged -- See Scrappie, Biscuit tin.

Bubble Rovers -- The Rover 200 (later 25) that succeeded the R8. Increasingly seen as being loaded with WIN (see also).

£bumrape -- A lot of money.

Bumtree -- Gumtree, UK equivalent of craigslist.

Carmageddon -- (American) The act of Caltrans freeway closures during morning hours to produce traffic jams the likes of which could only be described as...

Cambelt -- Called a timing belt in the American.

Camel Piss -- Superior European gasoline the likes of which can only be imagined by shadetree hotrodders in the DF of double-truckin' T.

Cavalier in a Shell Suit -- Vauxhall Calibra.

Cavcraft -- Purveyors of finest quality autos, e.g. Corsas.

Chav Chariot -- See Barried, Wob.

Chod -- Undesirable, cheap, miserable and shit old car.

Chocolate Teapot -- Useless. See: eBay trolls.

Chrysler PT Cruiser -- A car too shit even for Autoshite.

Citroen Picasso -- A car almost too shit even for Autoshite.

CLASS -- Any BMC/BMH/BL/ARG/Rover/MGRover/ARCONA product.

Corsa -- A small hatchback made by Vauxhall. See also: Wank-Brain, OMGALL_______RSHIT.

Coarser -- See: Wank-Brain.

Council Estate Spec -- A vehicle of similar outward appearance to the Cortina driven by Onslow from "Keeping Up Appearances".

Council Estate Touring Car -- Any old BMW, Lexus or Mercedes, preferably on "GAZ" plates.

Craptical Plastics -- A print magazine about rust that strangely generates enough rhino to enable its staff to litter the vast driveways of their posh homes with an astonishing array of shite and shit.

Cubed -- The end result of being scrapped. Or being a PT Cruiser. A fitting end; proper burial. (See R.I.P.)

Cunning -- Equivalent to saying: "Go on, pull the other one," i.e.: "You say diesels are faster than petrols?? Cunning."

Czechoslovakian Roulette -- The process of wringing an extra 10bhp out of a Shite Skudder by the magic of digital manipulation, so it grenades at some random (and unknowable) point in the future. 

D701 SWL -- Legendary Land Rover which can be claimed by anyone, to have been bought at any time in the past, present or future, by their relative of choice. For example: "I bought a Defender 110, reg. no. D701 SWL in two years' time, brand new, from the previous owner who was my dad, but he didn't actually own it because it was brand new. Or it will be, in 2 year's time. PHACT."

Daily Mail, (reader of) -- C*^t. For times when euphemese is more appropriate than the usual Autoshite bluntness, this phrase is best used to say c*^t, or call someone a c*^t, without actually using the word c*^t. Unless you were joking**, of course, in which case, see: "I refer the shite honourable gentleman, to the reply I gave, some moments ago." See Also: Flounce, Flouncer

Disastra -- Vauxhall Astra. Seemingly more disastrous with successive models, the Mk 1 being seen as something of a WINNAR-mobile (see also), whilst the latest model is seen by some as a bloated example of everything wrong with modern cars. See Also: Renault Laguna II DCi, Time Bomb, What Could Possibly Go Wrong, Chocolate Teapot.

Derv, Diseasel, Dizzler -- Diesel fuel, or engines which run on same.

Ditchfinders -- Cheap tyres, often made overseas. Er, um--imported.

Doctor, The -- A wizard whose touch instantly adds a squillion quid to the price of any over-polished tat.

Donk -- Engine. Short for donkey.

Dr. Diesel's Evil Invention -- A compression-ignition engine running on heavy fuel oil. A dizzler.

dregslist -- craigslist worldwide innit.

eBay Bargains -- Things that are not bargains.

eBay Trolls -- A particularly annoying life form, who seem to congregate in this online market. Often reported to communicate by grunting. They can usually be discerned by spotting the tell-tale signs, such as crap/vague/misleading descriptions of their goods (often almost entirely in TXT SPK), upside down pictures, over-optimistic valuations, or offers to buy a grand's worth of car for "HNDRD CASH"  "COLCT 2NITE M8". Best avoided, although this isn't always possible. Invariably they know someone "in the trade"*, who accompanies them on a test drive. Telltale signs are the use of words/phrases such as: "bumbers", "mears", "1st to see will buy", "Will you swap for Mondeo tonite M8", "Whats yer bestest fer cash," &c.

eBay Tat -- Things that are worth* owning.

Electric glue -- A method of joining new metal to old rust to varying levels of penetration (Matron...!) and permanence, usually involving an excess of sparks, cursing, localised burns and an unusual partial suntan.

Electric glue stick -- Weapon (potentially dangerous) used to varying levels of competence in processes described above.

Engine Bummage/Engine Rape -- Removal of the engine from a fine and serviceable piece of shite in order to improve* a wanky scene mobile, usually followed by selling the sad remains on eBay. Often committed against poor innocent Allegros and Metros by Mini owners.

Escrote -- A Ford Escort.

Evil Bay -- eBay. Usually described as such by those who have been royally screwed in terms of fees and/or their eBay rating, or who have suffered terribly at the hands of eBay trolls (see also).

Failure To Proceed -- "It was working ten minutes ago, now it isn't. And I need to get home." Derived from advertising copy: "Rolls-Royces don't break down, they simply fail to proceed." sFTP (secure FTP) -- Same as a FTP, except it happens in the security and privacy of your own driveway.

Faff -- 1. To struggle with a difficult job: "It's a right faff changing the cambelt on a Daimler-Scheissler PT Bruiser."

Fannymould -- Manifold: Cheers AS, this slipped out early this morning, when describing why I was suffering from fume poisoning, and my truck's exhaust was making that characteristic ticking noise: 'My exhaust fannymould seems to have gone, can you fix it?'  Fitter: 'Eh?'

Fettling -- Minor repair work, usually involving amenities / conveniences, after all driveability issues have been sorted*.

Filth -- A vehicle that seriously arouses any true shiteist. Often used in contexts such as: "That Fuego is utter FILTH, young Sir!"

Fixerating -- Originally posted by a bloke who seemed to know what side his bread was buttered on, in a post about a van he bought back in 1972**. See: "Totally Fixerating Bits & Bobs"

Fixorating -- Done as & when but infrequently, to qualitee* Toyotas (See: SavvySpeak)

Floppytop -- Convertible.

Flounce, Flouncer -- To announce one's intention to leave the forum, either permanently or temporarily, thereby opening oneself up to criticism from certain of those who wish to impose their own set of morals and dogma upon The Great Unwashed, i.e. those of us who smelled allrightupuntilaboutaweekago. See: "I refer the shite honourable gentleman, to the reply I gave, some moments ago."

Flounce forum -- Forum started up by flouncers in direct competition with Autoshite, but often with the content restricted to old cars only. Flounce forums rarely attract more than couple of dozen members...and rarely last more than a month or two. See: Daily Mail, (Reader of.) See also: Moto-Scat.

Flynn -- To be banned from Autoshite in a relatively short period of time, can be referred to as being Flynned.

Fragged -- Exploded; fragmented. See Grenading.

French -- A description and a diagnosis of an intermittent and untraceable electrical fault.

Frog, Froggy -- French or French-made, a derogatory term used in the UK, possibly refers to frog's legs being seen as a deilcacy there.

Fuckwit -- Equally irritating relation to the eBay-timewasting, crap-advert-producing, bid-and-then-fuck-off tosspot. (See: eBay trolls)

Fugly -- Worse than ugly. See also: Gopping.

Gallic Allegro -- Renault 14.

Gallic Quality Control -- At its most rigorous, this can include both a cursory glance AND a shrug of the shoulders.

GM Nod, the -- See: Gallic Quality Control.

Giffer Spec -- A type of car you know is either owned by or was bought new by someone over 65, e.g.: An Austin Maestro 1.3L Badermatic in Hearing Aid Beige.

Giffer -- A pensioner with a briar pipe, a flat cap on and a bag of Werther's Originals in the glove compartment.

Gopping -- Of dubious aesthetic quality, e.g.: A Ssang-Yyong Rodius, or David Gest.

GR[#] -- Originally from TXT SPK: GR8 (great); a lower number may be inserted to infer not-so-greatness, a higher number for more greatness. Although, depending on circumstances, a higher number may also infer less greatness. Irony/sarcasm filter may be required. GR <8 is shit, GR >8 is for WINNARS.

GR8 4 DRFTIN. -- Rear-wheel-drive. Often vehicle will not have sufficient dynamic ability or power to break traction, e.g.: a Marina 1.3L.

Grenading -- When a car drinks all its own engine oil via ill-designed turbo oil seals, revs uncontrollably, then finally ends in catastrophic engine diahorrea by s$%*ting out all its mechanical parts through the side of the engine/back of the exhaust. See: Fragged, FUBAR.

Grim -- An expression of the excellence* of a particular vehicle. Grimness is usually determined by the vehicle's unattractiveness to the general motoring public, poor levels of equipment or appointments, or general poor condition. Grimness can usually be enhanced by paint or trim in unappealing "earth" colours, dubious reliability, and a general "un-MOT-able" air. Grim vehicles are best photographed in a "vibrant" part of town with a blurry camera phone, for maximum effect.

Halfrauds -- Halfords. Mention of this word is almost as divisive as that of Vauxhall (see also). Self-declared Guru of car spares and accessories with a nationwide store network.

Hirst Cab -- Anything that would have been seen around Wakefield in 1983 illegally plying for hire.

Hirst Cabs -- Autoshite's approved 24hr mostly absent fully unlicensed minicab firm.

Honda-Engined -- A flowery term used by eBay trolls (see also) to try and convince even more trollish punters to buy their K series/ diesel-engined Rover on eBay. Were you to believe the pronouncements of these vendors, you would have to come to the conclusion that there are more Honda-engined Rover products in existence now than ever actually left Rover's factories in the first place. For the Honda-engined Rovers, the rule is if it's broken, it's one of those "Shitty Rover engines", if it has been reliable then it is a Honda (or BMW).

Jaywick -- Autoshite holiday destination of the year.

J-tin -- A vehicle of Japanese origin.

Keep-fit windows -- Windows which require great effort to roll up, as compared to power windows.

Kack -- See: Shit, Vauxhall, K-series.

Kettle series -- A range of engines used in Rover vehicles from 1989 onwards. Often found to be suffering from OMG HGF (see also). Sometimes known as K Series.

Laguna  -- Worthless, possibly free item that ends up costing you money anyway. Also a unit of measurement for valuing any car, e.g. "You could get 20 Lagunas for that"

Lerrrve -- Autoshite expression of desirability or agreement; often anthropomorphic in nature.

Lump -- Engine.

Magic Smoke -- The stuff inside Lucas electrical equipment of years gone by, which would sometimes escape, causing a "Failure To Proceed". Available by the bottle on eBay.

Maypop -- Tyre(s) which may pop at any time.

Migraine -- Renault Megane.

Mingebag -- Most rubbish/cheapskate.

MOAR -- Expression of complaint that the just-absorbed dose of Autoshite was too small to overcome one's shite withdrawal symptoms.

Moccasins -- Vital inclusion with every for sale thread. Will increase any item's worth tenfold*. (See also: Welly Power.)

Mod Cons -- Modern conveniences, e.g.: Power windows, air conditioning, satnav/gps units, heaters, and wipers.

Modern -- Any car newer than 1998. Something that we know to exist, and which a few Autoshiters admit to using when they nip down’ the scrappie to get a new radiator and steering rack for their pride-and-joy because they are too skint for new parts as they are STILL paying off the modern YEARS after buying the bloody thing. 

Monkey Piss -- Weak, low-octane fuel.  Only available in the D.F.T. and called Premium*. Your mileage may vary.

Moto-Scat -- A breakaway movement from Autoshite, after a bit of a falling out. Aims to be more serious than AS. Its leader, Leonard Hatred (AKA Milford Cubicle/Marcello Gandini/Lacquer Peel/FOAD/plain old Len) can usually still be found on Autoshite though, as can some of the members of Moto-Scat -- so it hasn't broken too far away. (See: Flounce, Flouncer.)

Motor -- English for car, short for motorcar, e.g.: "Ullo John, got a new motor??" (See: Alexi Sayle.)

Mundano -- Ford Mondeo.

Murphy's Law -- "Nothing is as easy as it looks. Everything takes longer than you expect. And if anything can go wrong, it will -- at the worst possible moment."

Nedmobile -- See Barried, Wob.

90-day [colour] -- a car in an undesirable shade, e.g.:  "90-day beige." Refers to the length of time a dealer will be looking at the thing on his/her forecourt.

OMGALL________R SHIT -- Parody of internet parlance. Usually Vauxhalls or Moderns. Where Vauxhall is used, becomes a bit of Autoshite dogma which is unquestioned by the initiated.

Onion -- A Ford Escort with a boot. See: Escrote.

Oooof! -- Over the moon, Dead chuffed. Quite happy with; overjoyed.

Papped -- Photographed. "I've been papped, nooooooooooo..."

Passout -- See: Pisshat.

Pea-roast -- A re-posting of something already posted before; a repeat post. 

Pedant -- One who frequently displays encyclopedic knowledge, often to a fault.

Pez -- Petrol / Gasoline.

PHAKT or PHACT -- Something that may* or may not be true. (See: Asterisk).

PHOTO SKILLZ -- Pictures of tat which include garage doors, time stamps, feet, and importantly, crop the odd part of the car out.

PHWOAR -- Expression of appreciation that the just-absorbed dose of Autoshite was not too small to overcome one's shite withdrawal symptoms. [Opposite of MOAR.]

Pickarsehole -- Carries people, children and McDonald's detritus.

Pineapple -- Roof rack ornament for any modified VAG vehicle.

Pineappled -- Taken to the extremes of 'scene coolness', as in the case of VAG-tosser owned vehicles that had assorted manky/crusty/rusty old shite applied to roof racks until the ultimate destiny of this wank-fest was reached; the application of a pineapple. Also, a prediction of the destiny of certain aged Wolfsburg produced products when spotted on eBay, summed up in the phrase "That's bound to end up Pineappled". (See also: Scene tax)

Pisshat -- VW Passat.

Pissonheads -- Pistonheads, another UK car enthusiasts' forum.

Plah -- The proper, top-of-the-class, retractable and veneered 'picnic tables' fitted to the rear of the front seating.  Typically seen with a separate champagne flute placement.  Taken from coachbuilder and interior fitter Vanden Plas, mispronounced by commoners as if French; when Mr. W. Plas was, in fact Flemish, and therefore it would be Plas after all.  Not that it matters when smoking about on the school run with children in the rear flapping the tables back and forth in your £750 Daimler XJ40 with a howling wheel-bearing. (See: Vanden Picnic Tables)

Plod -- The local constabulary, i.e. the police.

Poggleswade -- Where the late Pog lived.

Pogweasel Pink -- A definite shade that red cars fade to over time. Not quite pink, but pinkish, and not red either. Named after a number of afflicted vehicles owned by prolific former member Pogweasel.

Population Paste -- (See: Spunk.)

Posh Lorry -- A Rolls Royce. Because panhard65.

Povo-Spec -- A poverty-spec car, such as a Popular Escort. A Poplar escort is a car with a tree growing out of it. See Also: Bog-spec, BASE.

Pudding -- Filler; major structural component of 'chod'.

Puke -- Nissan Juke. Also known as the Joke, Datsun on Stilts.

Purple Helmet -- Real name: Purple Horse, a purveyor of interesting but comically overpriced chod on eBay, who keeps adding to his stock but very rarely actually sells anything.

Rattlecan -- Spray paint. Often a key component of RATLOOK (See below.) Also used as a verb, e.g. "To rattlecan something."

[P] RATLOOK -- The needless ruination of perfectly good cars by knobheads trying to be "individual". See: Fugly.

RESTECP -- Maybe another internet misspelt meme, but it's an indication that any sense of respect has been lost, or never did exist.

RESPECK -- Autoshite propers. (See: Lerrrve.)

Redtop Brigade -- Vauxhall enthusiasts of a certain ilk, who seem determined to put every 'redtop' XE ever made into every small FWD Vauxhall ever made. Statistically impossible, unless they've got the engines on timeshare.

Renault Laguna II DCi -- See: What Could Possibly Go Wrong.

ROFLcopter -- An almost mythical device that used to be deployed many years ago at times of extreme mirth. Its exact purpose was unclear, but it is possible that the combination of the downdraught from its rotor blades, and the fumes from its poorly maintained powerplant may have sent those in the vicinity into a sort-of laughing gas like stupor, thus prolonging the aforementioned mirth. Not seen for years, it is rumoured that the ROFLcopter was KV6 powered and thus has suffered an inevitable double HGF (see also). Unfounded rumours abound that it may be stashed in Sam Glover's hangar, behind a DAF.

Rommel/Rammel -- Obsolete terms from the early days of Autoshite (See: Chod, Tat.)

Rolling Abortion -- Fairly self-explanatory, I think. See: Yankee Allegro.

RR -- RetroRides, another UK car enthusiasts' forum.

SavvySpeak -- A variation of English originated* by longtime forum member TooSavvy and no small part of the reason there needed to be an Autoshite glossary in the first place. Claimed to be understood* by other forum members, but no proof of this appears to exist.

Scene tax -- An extraordinarily stupid levy applied to cars that are seen as being cool, and part of a 'scene', which drives the price up to stupid levels. Usually applies to sporty Fords and VAG products.

Scheissler -- A Daimler-Chrysler product such as a Peon, or its cousin, the PT Bruiser.

Scotoshite -- Like Autoshite but with more swearing, horizontal rain, Volvos, egg, and pies.

Scrappy -- Junk...erm, salvage yard. Where have all the Yugos gone, may they rust in place; we'll never care...

Scrappage Scheme -- A Stalinist bit of social engineering, involving the packing of lemmings into shiny metal boxes. (See: Biscuit tin.) (Equivalent: "Cash for Clunkers" in the U.S.)

Seppo -- Rhyming slang, short for Septic. An American. Epithet for same; derived from septic tank. (Full of shit??)  (See: Yank)

Shadow Puppets -- Related to PHOTO SKILLZ. Points awarded for the best shadow/reflection on an eBay advert, where the photographer appears to be strangling a mutated Manx cat above their head, or is indeed naked.

Sherpa Cabrio/Coupe -- MGB Roadster/GT

Sherpa Coupe -- A Mercedes-Benz.

Shite -- A desirable old car, e.g.: A Fiat 127.

Shit -- An undesirable old car, e.g.: A Yugo GV.

Shite motoring -- Wot us lot do. "Because we're skint, we drive shit motors." Or: "Because we drive shit motors, we're brassic."

Shiter's Syndrome -- An irrational desire to swap an entirely suitable, reliable, rust-free and presentable but boring vehicle for one that only possesses the last of these attributes.

Shizzle -- Shite.

SHOKKA -- An undocumented feature* of many shite motors. See: Moccasins.

Shonky -- The erratic, juddering lowering action of the passenger-side electric window on an MGF, which leaves the driver with the nagging feeling that he will be dismantling the door later that day in a doomed attempt to fix the window mechanism.

Sid & Doris -- The Autoshite generic term for couples of a certain age. See: Giffer.

Skudder -- A Skoda belonging to a Scotoshiter, possibly enjoying* moar booost and FTPing. And ridiculous fuel mileage.

SNOKAOS -- September to May. The time of year to sell old, broken fourbees to pancake tossers. (See also: OMGSNOKAOS)

Sorted! -- Fixed! (See: What Could Possibly go Wrong?)

Soz -- Sorry.

Spaghetti Marelli -- An Italian automotive electronics firm. The world's leading purveyors of spaghetti electrics. (i.e. Magnetti Marelli)

Spanish Waiter -- Manual transmissions, derived from Manuel, the hilariously* inept waiter from the British TV show "Fawlty Towers."

Sparkle stick -- Bleb dispenser.

Spottage -- The art of photographing cars owned by people you don't know, then posting same to Autoshite for us lot to perv over.

Spunk -- 1. To spend, e.g.: "...Spunk it all on coke and hookers."  2. To spit, e.g.: "...Spunk my dentures through my actual chappie."  3. Population paste.

Squillion -- The difference between what a seller says a car is worth and its actual value to any dedicated shite motorist.

Stu_CDXing -- The art of polishing one's bonnet with population paste.

Stunning -- Anything beige with rust holes and moss buildup.

Tagora -- A byword for excellence, and the ownership of which marks you out as being in the Special Forces of shite-ing.

Tat -- Desirable* shite motors. See: Chod, Rammel.

Use of the word "TEH" instead of "THE" -- May have originated from misspelt memes at icanhazcheezeburger.com or some such, and is how cats would speak if they could speak. Another example of which is "I CAN HAZ" instead of "I have". Not compulsory by any means, and found annoying in certain quarters.

Test Pilot -- A potential buyer who either hasn't got the money or is simply not serious. See: "I would, but it's too far away."

Testiculating -- To talk bollocks while waving your arms around.

Teutonic Barge -- See: Sherpa Coupe.

Time Bomb, Tea Kettle -- Rover K-series.

Time-Tested -- Worn-out, falling apart, or in various stages of approaching uselessness. Or any combination of all these attributes*. See: Chocolate Teapot.

Top Bombing -- A pronouncement of approval at the latest ill-advised purchase of shizzle by one of our own.

Tosser -- See:  Wanker.

Turbit -- A forced induction conveyance owned by a Scot(ch). "Ah liked the last wan a hud so a goat myself an er Gowf Turbit ser".

Turbydeezl -- As in: "Ah goat seek o the RX8, s' ah chipped it infra Golf turbydeezl."

Turkish Delight -- Cockney rhyming slang for shite. "Pre-Ford Jag-yew-urrz are ace, mate, but the rest are Turkish, innit."

Tyre-kicker -- See above. Also see: Test pilot.

Unpleasantness, The -- The demise of MGRover in 2005.

Vanden Picnic Tables -- A real Autoshite spec level (called a trim level in the American.) See: Plah.

Vauxhall -- The UK arm of GM's global car manufacturing business, which is being offered for sale by the General. Possibly the most divisive word you can type into this forum, as if you do this someone will soon be along to tell you "ALL VOXLs ARE SHIT M8!"

Velour -- A seat covering often found in vehicles full of WIN. See: Vinyl.

Vinyl -- Much worse than velour, especially in hot weather. See: Yankee Allegro.

Vulcan Spunk -- See: LHM.

Wakefield -- Minicabbing centre of the universe.

Wanli Ditchfinder / Hwa Fong Slidemaster / Hyudainow -- Cheap, nasty, shitty Chinese tyres, only available from dodgy backstreet tyre shops, and Kwik Fit. Made of secondhand chewing gum glued to recycled baling wire; curiously they have neither grip nor durability. See: Maypop.

Wank-Brain -- Someone who actually admits to liking Corsas on a public forum.

Wanker -- Population-paste producing people. See: Tosser.

Wantage -- See: Want Level.

Want Level -- Sometimes approached and occasionally exceeded. Reflective of the desirability to the Autoshite community only.

Welly Power -- Used immediately following a Failure To Proceed, only while wearing Wellington boots. Implies poor weather conditions. (See: Murphy's Law.)

WIN -- An indeterminate quality, but the source of much awe in Autoshite circles. The easiest way to summarise it is to say that a Daewoo Leganza has significantly more WIN than a brand new Golf, (unless said Golf can do 132 MPH.)

WINNAR, WINNAH -- Probably from another misspelt meme, but it's an indication that the person on whom it is bestowed has truly gone above and beyond*.

WINNAR-mobile -- A chariot of champions, such as a Talbot Tagora.

Wheelman -- Driver. See Blag, Blezz.

Wob -- Filler, specifically of the variety applied in large and undulating quantities to the lower 4-12" of any car of any age, though normally to the more elderly vehicle. Called "Bondo," after its trade name, in the American.

Woollarding -- The act of placing one foot on the front bumper of a desirable motor vehicle whilst posing for a photograph.  http://autoshite.com/topic/13695-woollarding/

Yakuza Happy Death Express -- Pete M's insane Galant estate.

Yank -- An American, or an American car. Short for Yankee.

Yankee Allegro -- AMC Pacer.

Yonks -- 1. Yorkshire.  2. Ages, e.g. "Haven't seen a Corsa in yonks, not that I ever needed to."

Zorst -- Exhaust bits.

&c. -- You know the rest. As in: "SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB YOU TIT &c."

 

(We've forgotten the obligatory !!!!11111!!!1!1!1 at the end of any purchase/moment of euphoria)11!!!1!!1!!!1111!11!!!!1!!!!!!!!!11111111111!1!!!!!11111111111!!!!!!!1!1!111!!!!!!111!!!!!!111!!!1 

 

"Shite is as shite does; furthermore, shite is in the eye of the key holder."

 

**OFFENSIVE, VULGAR, INDECENT AND JUST PLAIN UNNECESSARY TO SOME. Your mileage may vary...

**Guy Kawasaki,  drinkers of the six-color kool-aid (and others,) we hardly knew ye.

"Never pick a fight with someone who buys ink by the barrel."  -- Mark Twain

 

Sources?? We don't need no stinkin' sources!

 

Here endeth the lesson, siblings...

** Bloody Romans; can't take a JOKE!

Edited by hauserplenty

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Thank you kindly, was just looking for a way to give something back. If you think of any I've missed, please add. Also, I've taken a few liberties but I hope* you don't mind..."They all do that, sir."

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CHOD GOD STATUS: ASSURED

 

B)

Absolutely! Beyond any doubt, this sort of effort must be rewarded in the next world. If the Muslims can expect 72 virgins in paradise, a Chod God can probably expect all the birds from the "Cars and Girls" thread or something.

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Oh no no no no no. This is Christianity, so no shagging before you are married for ten years.

A typical Christian award for a saint is that he may now clean the tyre threads of God's blue Buick Park Avenue with a toothbrush until the Last Judgement.

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What could possibly go wrong - see Renault Diesels, Renault autoboxes, K-Series

 

Also applicable to hand-builts or exotics bought unseen on Ebay and collected on a rainy day after dark.

The first one who does this with an SM bought off Leboncoin will get an award. Honestly, I'll pay for some trophy being made.

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