Autoshite dreams?

[quicksilver]

On 30/03/2026 at 10:22, quicksilver said:

Let me tell you about a brilliant dream starring Jenna Coleman and a Rover P6.

We lived in a mansion with a huge underground, high-security, climate-controlled vault that I was using as a shite sanctuary to buy and hoard every old car that was in danger of being scrapped. Jenna thought I was mad and despite having the choice of any car from this huge collection she bought herself a Nissan Juke. I didn't want someone so beautiful driving such an ugly car so I got a JCB, smashed up the Juke and gave her a Rover P6 instead. She was surprisingly happy that I'd destroyed her car because she'd realised it was crap and decided the P6 suited her better.

She drove the P6 to a movie premiere, where it broke down but a group of paparazzi pushed it right onto the red carpet. I sent my transport guy in a Ford A-series beavertail to recover it but he couldn't get near it because of the crowd of celebrities admiring it, and nobody cared that it had leaked oil all over the red carpet. Jenna kissed me and told me she finally understood why I loved old cars so much.

 

There was also a second instalment of this. Jenna still had the P6, a scruffy brown one registered JLC 1, and bought a Triton Green TR7 convertible (1 JLC) as a summer car. She went away for work in the TR7 and let me take the P6 to a show, where it broke down again. Nobody could fix it so I called Jenna, who walked off the set in the middle of a scene, jumped in the TR7 and came to me. It had magically gained a towbar that wasn't there before so we A-framed the P6 home with the TR7. I filmed it and she gave the footage to the BBC instead of the show she was supposed to be making.

[CreepingJesus]

I was having some really odd dreams for a while, because I'd bought a sleep aid from Superdrug I'd never tried before, by accident. It's a long story. 

The only shite-worthy one was about a G-reg Cavalier, that I'd boldly asked 'what could possibly go wrong?' when I'd agreed to take it on. I realise it was related to the story of the baggiest Cav I've ever come across that still ran (which I've told hereabouts before) but in this case, I jumped in to check the mileage, to find that someone had made the odometer a lot longer, so it actually showed 330-odd million miles. Then I couldn't work out why a really basic MIG welder kept blowing through the floors even on the lowest settings. The underseal wasn't underseal, it was rippled chocolate. The floors were actually really big Daim bars. Sills were fine though, so I just replaced the chocolate I'd chipped off, and lived with it; but I had a worrying episode of being followed by this one ibex who really wanted to nibble my floors.

[quicksilver]

Another weird instalment in the tale of my shite sanctuary featuring Jenna.

I got word that a Mazda 323 urgently needed saving and for the first time ever Jenna decided to come with me. I gave the seller (who resembled Rafael, the sarcastic guy from The Simpsons) a wad of cash to swipe it from under the nose of an enormous tattooed bruiser who looked like an even bigger angry version of Giant the Gladiator and was about to buy it for banger racing. Dainty little Jenna, normally the epitome of dignity and elegance, went absolutely apeshit and started screaming at this guy twice her size, calling him a fucking knobhead and trying to punch him for daring to do that to a poor defenceless car. He was genuinely terrified and slunk away never to be seen again. I was shocked but incredibly proud of her commitment to protect the rights of innocent unloved cars as I wouldn't have had the guts to do that.

[Spiny Norman]

I woke up today with a vivid image of a silver 08 plate spaceship Civic on skinny steel with snow chains on them. 
My brain gets up to some really weird yet oddly specific shit when I'm not there to supervise it.

[quicksilver]

I don't know if I ate too much cheese before bedtime or what, but my dream saga has taken a dark turn.

Jenna got her hands on a JCB, possibly the one I'd used to destroy her Juke, and paid a visit to a scrapyard where some folks of the travelling persuasion were crushing rare classic cars. She ended up chasing them around the yard with the JCB, scooping them up in the front bucket and dumping them in a muck heap while laughing hysterically. Someone called the police and Alf Ventress from Heartbeat turned up, but all he did was eat a pickled egg and comment that JCB obviously stood for Jenna Coleman, Badass.

My dream version of Jenna has turned into a Jekyll and Hyde character. One minute she's demure, elegant and polite like the real life Jenna. The next she's a sweary, violent, unhinged maniac hurling obscenities at banger racers and attacking gypos with a JCB.

[quicksilver]

A different hot girl/shite vehicle dream and a bit tamer than Jenna's crazy adventures. Sian Welby bought a Transit minibus she wanted to convert into a camper, specifically a smiley face Transit painted bright orange with one of those really tall coachbuilt bodies that looked like it would fall over at the first corner. I was accompanying her on a test drive around town and it was incredibly slow and noisy and had a really awkward gearchange so she kept crunching the gears but that didn't worry her. The drive ended with her driving it into an underground car park. I was convinced it was far too tall and the entrance barrier would rip the roof off, but it didn't, she parked it up and everything was fine.

There was also a separate dream where I was the player character in a racing video game driving a Rover 75. I had to earn money and modify the car to keep it competitive as the races progressed, and the final and most expensive upgrade was a 4WD conversion needed for the very tricky last race. Bizarrely, despite not being a V8, it was RWD as standard and the conversion added drive to the front wheels. I had to be very careful when to engage the 4WD system as it increased grip but reduced performance and too much use would damage the car. I ended up losing the final race and getting game over because I accidentally left it in 4WD for too long so the gearbox exploded on a steep hill and I rolled back down to the bottom.

[quicksilver]

Jenna got a new car last night: a Renault 11 turbo diesel running on veg.

She was showing a load of middle-aged blokes around a garage and this car was under a cover. She asked them to guess what it was but nobody knew, so she pulled the cover off to reveal it was a Renault 11. Without any notes, she started telling them its history in great detail until they got bored and started to wander off. She then demonstrated the talking dashboard, but for some reason it had stopped working and she had re-recorded the voice herself using an absurd comedy French accent so the car sounded like it belonged in Allo Allo and said 'Merde' a lot.

[quicksilver]

Another weird one in the early hours of this morning. I was visiting some sort of museum on an old airfield and had to park in a muddy field. The guy who ran the place showed me the old concrete car park and said it was now owned by the police, who used it as a skid pan. An old white Plaxton Premiere coach was going up and down the skid pan but looked remarkably undamaged.

Later on this guy took me in that coach to visit the secret bus depot nearby. Instead of a brake pedal, the brakes were applied by pushing down on a horizontal bar across the dashboard, a bit like Invacar handlebars. He was driving quite fast on narrow roads so he had to keep pushing hard on this bar to slow it down. We arrived at the depot, which had a small fleet of red double-deckers I'd never seen before and was staffed by three women, one of whom was Jenna in character as Clara Oswald. They had a computer on the office wall that was supposed to run the security system but wasn't plugged in because they said they didn't use it, not even to play GTA like everyone did. I booted it up because I wanted to watch some HubNut videos and there was a high score of 2 million points and hundreds of hours of play time logged by Clara so she was obviously fibbing and I was concerned that she had got such a huge score when she was supposed to be out driving the buses, but she said it was fine as the buses didn't get called out very often. It seemed to operate like a fire station with the drivers spending hours waiting around to be called out.

[Metal Guru]

3 hours ago, quicksilver said:

Another weird one in the early hours of this morning. I was visiting some sort of museum on an old airfield and had to park in a muddy field. The guy who ran the place showed me the old concrete car park and said it was now owned by the police, who used it as a skid pan. An old white Plaxton Premiere coach was going up and down the skid pan but looked remarkably undamaged.

Later on this guy took me in that coach to visit the secret bus depot nearby. Instead of a brake pedal, the brakes were applied by pushing down on a horizontal bar across the dashboard, a bit like Invacar handlebars. He was driving quite fast on narrow roads so he had to keep pushing hard on this bar to slow it down. We arrived at the depot, which had a small fleet of red double-deckers I'd never seen before and was staffed by three women, one of whom was Jenna in character as Clara Oswald. They had a computer on the office wall that was supposed to run the security system but wasn't plugged in because they said they didn't use it, not even to play GTA like everyone did. I booted it up because I wanted to watch some HubNut videos and there was a high score of 2 million points and hundreds of hours of play time logged by Clara so she was obviously fibbing and I was concerned that she had got such a huge score when she was supposed to be out driving the buses, but she said it was fine as the buses didn't get called out very often. It seemed to operate like a fire station with the drivers spending hours waiting around to be called out.

Can you tell us what cheese it is you eat? 

[quicksilver]

1 hour ago, Metal Guru said:

Can you tell us what cheese it is you eat? 

I recommend emmental and maasdam. Delicious and evidently makes you have surreal dreams about your favourite sexy celebrity.