Tropes you see on the road

[GrumpiusMaximus]

19 hours ago, RoverFolkUs said:

Hell no, but lucky me if I did, every fuckin week she's harassing me/us because it's developed a new funny noise out of the ~500 other ones it already has. 

'Mazda Bongo.  Hint's in the name, Carol'.

[Missy Charm]

Most of the usual suspects have been covered already and covered very well, but I think there are a few more to add:

The Orient Expressionist: of either gender and ranging in age from the twenties to early middle-age, these individuals are notable for their fetishization of anything and everything Oriental, most often Japanese.  They will claim to have unparalleled expertise in the Japanese language and an intimate understanding of the culture garnered, respectively, by having read the first chapter of 'Teach Yourself Japanese for Absolute Beginners' and having once had a conversation about Buddhism with the owner of the local hippie shop.  The Oriental Expressionist's real passions are Japanese computer games, Japanese cartoon films, buying packets of instant noodles from the Oriental grocery and taking them to work to eat in front of his or her colleagues, buying bottles of Kikkoman or similar soy sauce from said Oriental grocery without realizing one can purchase the same thing in Sainsbury's, dressing up as cartoon characters (if female) and collecting figurines and soft toys.  Dressing up has been mentioned, but females will dress down in tops or tee shirts depicting cartoon characters, usually paired with miniskirts and ankle socks.  Males tend to wear unbuttoned collared shirts over tee shirts and baggy combat trousers.  Both sexes will have  various bits of Chinese made but not authentically Chinese styled jewellery that they wear at all times regardless of other dress or occasion.  Both, too, will have at least one decorative Samurai sword on a Perspex stand somewhere in the house.  The Orient Expressionist's car of choice is a Japanese grey-market import, but few can afford them.  Wheels, instead, tend to be normal UK issue MX5s and MR2s of somewhat aged vintage and in decaying condition.  These tend to be lowered and adorned with stickers and trinketry, but would often look far better with the tat taken off and a thorough clean.  

Hopping Mod: Invariably male and fifty odd.  He was born some years after the original mod era and was a babe-in-arms during the revival.  Despite that, he reveres The Jam and The Who and two-tone and ska and Northern Soul without really understanding why or why his father, who was a punk, looks down on the latter and finds the whole thing rather regressive.  Undeterred, Hopping Mod watches Quadrophenia every Friday night on the 54" widescreen telly in his garage man-cave and then falls into a lager-brought stupor and dreams of the old days he never saw: the chalk cliffs of the South Coast; of Brighton and Margate and Southend-on-Sea; of a land without motorways in which Zephyrs and Crestas cruised along neon washed promenades with outriders on Italian motor scooters festooned with mirrors and auxiliary lamps.  He tried to read 'Brighton Rock' once, to comprehend where it all began, but didn't get past the first chapter.  Anyway, Saturday morning rolls round and Hopping Mod emerges from the man-cave aboard a toffee-apple red vintage Vespa that he paid twice the going rate for.  The scooter gleams like a ruby but smokes like a factory chimney as the result of an engine that's not had an expert near it in years.  Hopping Mod doesn't care, he services the thing himself.  He feels great!  He's too fat to fit in a tonic suit but he's got a snorkel parka with a target patch sewn on the sleeve and an open-face tin helmet to hide his bald patch.  Away he goes in the direction of Caister or Hastings or somewhere like that, having arranged to meet his friends at the edge of town and form a convoy.  Back he comes on a recovery truck after spending countless hours in a lay-by with three other mod revivalists from the same convoy who had similarly broken down.  He'll do the same thing next weekend...  

[warch]

The Knight of the Road (weather dependent)

On the face of it this bloke (always male) is just a common or garden of roading enthusiast. He drives an oldish battered 4x4 equipped with the de rigor lift kit, 33 inch tyres, snorkel and winch.  Additionally this subtype also fits highway maintenance chevrons, reflectors, light bar and worklights to assist in his self proclaimed role providing rescue services whenever there are floods or it’s a bit snowy. May hold out for some diesel money but never charges women due to the chivalric rules of the highway. He is a sort of road recovery Walt.

[sierraman]

I can’t off hand think of a title for this chap but it rung a bell yesterday while collecting a Happy Meal for my youngest. 
 

2007 Audi A4 2.0 TDI, will have done at least 180,000, various engine management faults not helped by a really shit remap by his mate. Been resprayed battleship grey and had the alloys painted black, though not professionally as all the paint is falling off on the edges. Those really tacky embossed number plates fitted as well with the surrounds suggesting it’s been serviced by Audi in Stuttgart when in reality they’d ask that you take such a vehicle away from their premises.

 Driven very aggressively by a 24 year old steroid addicted labourer that just about holds on to a job working with one of these traffic management companies yet is treated with contempt by his older male colleagues as he’s deemed to be a complete liability, has a fairly serious cocaine problem which usually manifests itself in trips to discos held in Hungry Horse pubs or those cheap dive places in town that offer cheap mixers, the usual upshot of this being him either losing a fight with someone or assaulting his girlfriend. The basis of this is him needing to take these things to offset him having an extremely drab life living in somewhere dreadful like Shireoaks and having a micro cock. 

 

Full window tints which would if stopped by those things we used to have called traffic police, be illegal. Usually seen round retail parks or picking his 17 year old girlfriend up from her job at McDonald’s Drive Thru, whom he has what appears to be a coercive control over. Never has any money as it is spent on £15 worth of diesel and the rest on fags, roids and coke. Usual apparel will be Under Armour - the de facto uniform of the chav. An the occasional outing of a Moncler jacket that his equally stupid parents got on a 12 months repayment plan at Christmas. Will eventually graduate to a Zafira after eventually getting one of the local distant relatives pregnant and settling down to a really disenchanted life of monotony. 

[3VOM]

On 10/10/2023 at 15:10, sierraman said:

Saw ‘Artisan Electrical’ the other day, wonder who that’s aimed at😂.

This guy or someone piggybacking his name: https://www.youtube.com/@artisanelectrics

[Cavcraft]

Mr Wannabe bike gang member.

67 years old. Unkempt, grey hair. Straggly long beard. Open face helmet. Sunglasses all year round. Face contorted into a sort of welded on grimace as he tries to look hard when it's -5. Rides a Honda Shadow  750 with more chrome than a bathroom warehouse. Stupid, loud exhaust. £1 shop tattoos. Prize possession is a cut-off leather waistcoat with sew on badges that say things like 'biker for life'  and 'ride to live' with an eagle on the back so people think he's a legit member of an outlaw motorcycle club. Revs his bike up at the lights. Won't nod to a scooter riders, people on 125s or sports bike riders. Lives alone after his wife fucked off because he was knocking her about. Has a confederate flag on his bedroom ceiling. Post messages about 'snowflakes' and tells everyone he's not allowed to say what he wants to say because it's 'probably against the law'.  Hates imported goods, everything should be made in Britain. Keeps the Chinese in business with the amount of tat he's glued/bolted/screwed to his bike.

[martc]

1 hour ago, Cavcraft said:

Hates imported goods, everything should be made in Britain. Keeps the Chinese in business with the amount of tat he's glued/bolted/screwed to his bike.

And his Honda. Oh, and the confederate flag...

Which brings me on, controversially, to John' Help The Heroes' Bull who doesn't see the irony of putting the biggest plastic poppy he can find on to the grille of his VW/Audi/BMW/ any other car made by The Axis.

And the poppy will be faded as he's not 'made of money' and is 'recycling' the one he bought 5 years ago.

[timolloyd]

John’s on nodding terms with the scaffolder who displays an ‘All Lives Matter’ sticker across the windscreen of his 2 year old Transit pick-up - which looks like it’s suffered 20 years of abuse.

[RoverFolkUs]

11 hours ago, sierraman said:

I can’t off hand think of a title for this chap but it rung a bell yesterday while collecting a Happy Meal for my youngest. 
 

2007 Audi A4 2.0 TDI, will have done at least 180,000, various engine management faults not helped by a really shit remap by his mate. Been resprayed battleship grey and had the alloys painted black, though not professionally as all the paint is falling off on the edges. Those really tacky embossed number plates fitted as well with the surrounds suggesting it’s been serviced by Audi in Stuttgart when in reality they’d ask that you take such a vehicle away from their premises.

 Driven very aggressively by a 24 year old steroid addicted labourer that just about holds on to a job working with one of these traffic management companies yet is treated with contempt by his older male colleagues as he’s deemed to be a complete liability, has a fairly serious cocaine problem which usually manifests itself in trips to discos held in Hungry Horse pubs or those cheap dive places in town that offer cheap mixers, the usual upshot of this being him either losing a fight with someone or assaulting his girlfriend. The basis of this is him needing to take these things to offset him having an extremely drab life living in somewhere dreadful like Shireoaks and having a micro cock. 

 

Full window tints which would if stopped by those things we used to have called traffic police, be illegal. Usually seen round retail parks or picking his 17 year old girlfriend up from her job at McDonald’s Drive Thru, whom he has what appears to be a coercive control over. Never has any money as it is spent on £15 worth of diesel and the rest on fags, roids and coke. Usual apparel will be Under Armour - the de facto uniform of the chav. An the occasional outing of a Moncler jacket that his equally stupid parents got on a 12 months repayment plan at Christmas. Will eventually graduate to a Zafira after eventually getting one of the local distant relatives pregnant and settling down to a really disenchanted life of monotony. 

All that detail and you neglected to mention the ridiculous combination of the (probably fake) Nike sliders and white socks seemingly glued to his stompers, because that's all he ever wears. 🤣

[stuboy]

11 hours ago, sierraman said:

Been resprayed battleship grey and had the alloys painted black, though not professionally as all the paint is falling off on the edges.

dildo(nardo) grey.. and hyper black gloss (poundland)........

[neil1971]

This one may soon cease to exist thanks to ULEZ, but the fringe of East London car. A mid 2000s Japanese car such as an Avensis, it is only seen at night (albeit only just) and it usually has only one working light, which is generally a nearside front sidelight, and will often be found in the outside lane of the A12 despite the inside lane being vacant, and its driver will be oblivious to the presence of any other road users. Interestingly, there is an alternative trope for the same vehicle which is the complete opposite and insists on using front and rear foglights at all times, it's all or virtually nothing here. 

[GrumpiusMaximus]

'Radar-Guided C*&t'

Drives a German car of some description.  Probably rear-wheel drive, with oversized wheels and lowered suspension, so very prone to a bit of bump steer.  Rear tyres are usually low on tread or bald due to them having to compensate for their tiny penis by performing burnouts in front of their equally pathetic 'mates', who are often spotted with suspicious amounts of cash but no bank account.  This money is only spent on crap modifications, baseball caps or trainers.  Never actual maintenance. They usually live with their Mum in a run-down terraced house.

Most commonly spotted in the outer lane of a motorway doing 100+ in the pouring fucking rain when everybody else has slowed down to 50/60 due to the extreme weather.  Often spotted shortly after halfway up the embankment backwards or in an ambulance after holding up the traffic for an hour after their bald tyres surprisingly* failed to grip after hitting a puddle or small bump.  Thinks they're guided by radar like a missile but are actually guided by their own stupidity, deep feelings of inadequacy and Colombian marching powder.  Always described in the press as a 'lovely boy' or 'angel'.

Rarely breed due to taking themselves out the gene pool early.  Thankfully.

[stuboy]

1 hour ago, GrumpiusMaximus said:

Rarely breed due to taking themselves out the gene pool early.  Thankfully.

5/10 years be an abundance of 3 series beemas in back lots unsold

[Metal Guru]

Inheritance from granny who died recently .

Mid/late 20s , inherited £20-30k from granny who died recently  but despite  still living with Mum and Dad, buys an Audi S3 / Golf R or GTi instead of putting it towards a flat.

Drives it like a total bellend having already written off three Corsas and a Civic since passing their test, no doubt Wolfsburg’s finest will go the same way.

[sheffcortinacentre]

But wasn't their fault as those are shit handling cars as they have. No problems driving anything on a playstation init.

[Metal Guru]

3 hours ago, sheffcortinacentre said:

But wasn't their fault as those are shit handling cars as they have. No problems driving anything on a playstation init.

Yeh , I hear you bruv! Done the ring in 3 1/2 mins.

[Boycie]

Save the world man

He,s traded his 2CV for a Prius , the battery is 10 minutes away from total fail , the nsr door has an array of potentially rare moss on the seals therefore it can't be washed 

 

[EyesWeldedShut]

7 hours ago, Metal Guru said:

Inheritance from granny who died recently .

Mid/late 20s , inherited £20-30k from granny who died recently  but despite  still living with Mum and Dad, buys an Audi S3 / Golf R or GTi instead of putting it towards a flat.

Drives it like a total bellend having already written off three Corsas and a Civic since passing their test, no doubt Wolfsburg’s finest will go the same way.

Young relative of mine wrote off a car that 'swerved out of control' due to a 'vehicle defect' and took out a line of parked cars - them & both parents are adamant that the car was a deathtrap and that light of their lives is lucky to be alive.
Misjudged vehicle width and/or excess speed in my book but I just suck my death, nod sagely and say 'aye, they often do that'.🙄
Fortunately* they inherited much more that £30K so they're on the road again  

[dozeydustman]

The chav on a bicycle.

Usually seen wearing tracksuit bottoms, ‘prison white’ trainers and a hoodie. Rides everywhere in a very low gear, legs circling the pedals like mad but top speed not much faster than walking so he can keep ‘talking shit bruv’ with his best mates Kai and Jayden.

Usually found blocking the path outside a Co-Op, or aimlessly pedalling his paid for* bike around a small car park for the shopping parade or pedestrianised town centre, texting on his phone so he veers from side to side but seemingly never hits benches, cars, shoppers or litter bins.

Even when he cycles home back to his abode (most likely his nan’s after his dad kicked him out) the bike isn’t shifted to a higher gear and as he weaves around the road at night with no lights or reflectors, cycling again hands free or while texting, and he threatens to shank motorists who don’t see him until they’re 3 yards away because his tracksuit bottoms and hoody are dark colours.

[Rocket88]

The Electric scooterist

Some odious little twat in a hoody weaving through pedestrian precincts, mobile wedged under his chin, usually shouting random abuse at pedestrians. Safe in knowledge that Plod is too busy harassing motorists exceeding the speed limit by .89 mph to bother with him

[sierraman]

The Family - have a C-Max that they paid an absolute bomb for at the local garage that generations of the same family have been getting rogered at over the years. Drive a 35mph everywhere, through towns, A Roads, you name it. Sometimes does 49mph on the motorway ideally in front of a 38 tonne juggernaut. Has its annual MOT and the father in law will service it with the wrong oil. They don’t drink or smoke, they might have a glass of wine at Christmas but only after the meal and it’ll be a really shit generic brand like Banrock Station, and then not in front of the kids as if they see them enjoying alcohol responsibly they will almost certainly end up on heroin. They go annually to the East Coast in it for two weeks, they could go abroad but but are worried about terrorists and it will be too hot for them and there will be foreign food there. Plus the children are only 10 so they’d not appreciate it. They have a new build as they knew someone once that had an old house and they had to spend some money on it, so they bought a £375,000 Bellway job with the help of some elderly Daily Mail reading relatives that persistently remind them that they funded 50% of it. Despite being new it’s built on the site of a former mustard gas factory or something equally awful. The garden is just grass, nothing else, boring as hell like it’s inhabitants. There is a small patio done in Marshall’s Utility Buff like every new house is. There are some tit bits around that they got from Asda. They’ve all persistently got colds or the flu, every day to them is a Wednesday at 2pm in February. 

[dozeydustman]

The ‘oh shit I’m speeding’

Normally an Astra or an older Fabia. Found in the middle or outside lane trying to overtake you. Your speedo shows 70. They start to over take, when they get 1/3 up the side of you, they realise they’re doing 70.0001mph and match your speed for the next 3 miles (even if you do the decent thing and slow down to let them pass).

They can’t do over 70 because it’s against the law. Meanwhile they’re obstructing the flow of traffic, nobody can manoeuvre past anyone else because one idiot is frightened of getting a speeding ticket.

Normally someone that has a permanent look of frustration on their face, in the town is a saintly motorist or knight if the road, and wonder why the first of the 9 million cars behind them is flashing or gesturing at them for 69 in the outside lane.

[sheffcortinacentre]

11 hours ago, Boycie said:

Save the world man

He,s traded his 2CV for a Prius , the battery is 10 minutes away from total fail , the nsr door has an array of potentially rare moss on the seals therefore it can't be washed 

 

I had a sierra estate like that. (Except the battery).

[sheffcortinacentre]

4 hours ago, dozeydustman said:

The ‘oh shit I’m speeding’

Normally an Astra or an older Fabia. Found in the middle or outside lane trying to overtake you. Your speedo shows 70. They start to over take, when they get 1/3 up the side of you, they realise they’re doing 70.0001mph and match your speed for the next 3 miles (even if you do the decent thing and slow down to let them pass).

They can’t do over 70 because it’s against the law. Meanwhile they’re obstructing the flow of traffic, nobody can manoeuvre past anyone else because one idiot is frightened of getting a speeding ticket.

Normally someone that has a permanent look of frustration on their face, in the town is a saintly motorist or knight if the road, and wonder why the first of the 9 million cars behind them is flashing or gesturing at them for 69 in the outside lane.

Will veer left as soon as they're 0.01 mm past you when overtaking as you should have slowed down to let them in ,any subsequent occurrence from this manoeuvre is entirely your fault.

[vulgalour]

Synthetic Strawberry.

Partially debadged hatchback that may or may not have performance credentials.  Wears only 2 wheel trims that don't match that may or may not be on the same side of the car.  Wheels are black steels with a thick coat of brake dust.  Tidemark of road dirt up to the door handles. The car might be a colour, though what colour is impossible to say, something somewhere between dark metallic blue and flat white.  No personal items such as window stickers, child detritus, or shopping bags to be seen at all. Driver is always male though varies in proportions, always wearing clothing as forgettable and generic and unloved as the car they're piloting.  At regular intervals huge clouds of vape smoke emerge from the driver's window such that you might think you're actually following a Zafira that has just spontaneously combusted and it always smells of synthetic strawberries.

[MrGTI6]

The just-passed-after-eight-attempts bimbo with her first car. Usually blonde with lots of fake tan, late teens to early twenties. Looks almost identical to both her sisters and her 44-year-old mum. Hobbies include taking selfies, watching Love Island and throwing up at hen parties. 

Car of choice is whatever three-door base-model supermini she could get insured on. Usually a Fiat Grande Punto 1.2 8v, Fiat 500 Pop or one of those new* Fiat-based Ford Kas. Possibly a BINI, but only if it's a Mini One. Often wears a cheap private plate, usually something like "M155XXX". 

It has two mismatching wheel trims, bumper scuffs on every corner, a cracked front bumper, and a huge crack spanning the entire width of the windscreen. One of the sills is dented quite badly too. And one of the mirrors will be hanging off. 

The inside of the car is horrific, despite the 23 air-fresheners hanging from the rear-view mirror. 

The car doesn't get serviced, but does get MOT'd roughly every 16 months. The tyres are all at about 10PSI.

Remarkably, the car clocks up about 20,000 miles a year without leaving a 10-mile radius of the owner's residence. The engine will sometimes be running for several hours a day, usually with the cooling fan working overtime. It will average two drive-thru visits per day and spends most of its time on the verge of boiling over in stationary traffic. It never has more than a quarter of a tank. 

The driver's attention is focused on scrolling through her socials on the smartphone (worth about the same as the car) balanced precariously on her lap.

Meanwhile, the stereo will be tuned into Kiss 100 or Capital FM with the volume turned up to max. From outside the car, all you can hear is the door cards rattling at 120BPM.

The owner will eventually be forced to finance a 9-year-old Vauxhall Mokka or Mini Countryman in a couple of years when she gets knocked up by her sister's ex. 

[Pieman]

14 hours ago, dozeydustman said:

The chav on a bicycle.

Usually seen wearing tracksuit bottoms, ‘prison white’ trainers and a hoodie. Rides everywhere in a very low gear, legs circling the pedals like mad but top speed not much faster than walking so he can keep ‘talking shit bruv’ with his best mates Kai and Jayden.

Usually found blocking the path outside a Co-Op, or aimlessly pedalling his paid for* bike around a small car park for the shopping parade or pedestrianised town centre, texting on his phone so he veers from side to side but seemingly never hits benches, cars, shoppers or litter bins.

Even when he cycles home back to his abode (most likely his nan’s after his dad kicked him out) the bike isn’t shifted to a higher gear and as he weaves around the road at night with no lights or reflectors, cycling again hands free or while texting, and he threatens to shank motorists who don’t see him until they’re 3 yards away because his tracksuit bottoms and hoody are dark colours.

Reminds me of the joke....

Why should you never run over a chav on a bike?

It's probably your bike.

[Pieman]

11 hours ago, sierraman said:

The Family - have a C-Max that they paid an absolute bomb for at the local garage that generations of the same family have been getting rogered at over the years. Drive a 35mph everywhere, through towns, A Roads, you name it. Sometimes does 49mph on the motorway ideally in front of a 38 tonne juggernaut. Has its annual MOT and the father in law will service it with the wrong oil. They don’t drink or smoke, they might have a glass of wine at Christmas but only after the meal and it’ll be a really shit generic brand like Banrock Station, and then not in front of the kids as if they see them enjoying alcohol responsibly they will almost certainly end up on heroin. They go annually to the East Coast in it for two weeks, they could go abroad but but are worried about terrorists and it will be too hot for them and there will be foreign food there. Plus the children are only 10 so they’d not appreciate it. They have a new build as they knew someone once that had an old house and they had to spend some money on it, so they bought a £375,000 Bellway job with the help of some elderly Daily Mail reading relatives that persistently remind them that they funded 50% of it. Despite being new it’s built on the site of a former mustard gas factory or something equally awful. The garden is just grass, nothing else, boring as hell like it’s inhabitants. There is a small patio done in Marshall’s Utility Buff like every new house is. There are some tit bits around that they got from Asda. They’ve all persistently got colds or the flu, every day to them is a Wednesday at 2pm in February. 

I think that has to be the most depressing and dystopian one so far.  Well done.

[Mrcento]

Qashqai-dad. Will always be a 1st generation, pre facelift Qashqai, Will always have sun shades on the rear windows and a couple of kids in the back.

He will always be sitting waiting to get out of a side road, with traffic totally clear he could have gone at any point in the last 10-15 seconds, but he has kids in the car, so he's being cautious, right?

Nope. you will find he'll be stopped, watching you approaching, looking you dead in the eye, so you know 100% he has seen you... and at the very last moment, he'll drive right out in front of you regardless, the only point in the last 20 seconds he shouldn't have went, and he will always do the Qashqai fake stall thing of jolting out, almost stopping in a collision path, then taking off as fast as the thing can go (still not very fast).

Every. Fucking. Time.

[Metal Guru]

Homicidal East European lorry driver. 
Changes lanes without warning just when you are fully visible in his mirrors and attempts to mash your car into the central reservation Armco. Claims you were in his blind spot .

Closely related to the Tachographless Turk, who does exactly the same but without malice  because he is  fast asleep at the wheel having driven non stop from Istanbul.