What makes you grin? Antidote to grumpy thread

[dozeydustman]

Well, my dinner last night wasn't poisoned.

Now to check the car.....

[Fumbler]

A favourite episode of mine that was done quite well.

[Roobarb]

Live racing from Goodwood.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pr-L5Kj8_ns#

Amazing racing in cars I probably won’t even get to touch, let alone own, but it’s great to see them out and racing.

 

Bell, Stewart, Plato. Wish I could be there.

[Richard]

A drive over a disused railway viaduct yesterday.

 

 

The sign is just a disclaimer, you're allowed to drive over it. 

[HH-R]

Does anyone on here have a stunning gold Citroen DS in the Gosforth area? I've spotted it a couple of times lately.

[Guest Hooli]

I saw this on FB earlier, looks like one for LS & other Rover lickers to me.

 

[Wack]

How do you not realise you have lost a brake pad, I was taking out the waste bags at work and noticed this brake pad backing that was virtually ground through on the floor of the small private carpark, I had to get my phone to take a picture

 

20180908_200310.jpg

 

It's quite scary really that these people are driving the streets but it did make me laugh

 

 

Walking to the services from the HGV car park I saw a broken truck brake disc in 3 pieces on the floor near the exit , I wondered if the driver thought he'd hit a pot hole then 10 miles up the road FUUUUCCCKKKKKKKKKK

[vulgalour]

Accidentally stopped the wiper arm on the Rover catching the bonnet when you open it by simply removing and refitting them.  We'll see how long that lasts.  It is rather magical having brand new wipers and a brand new windscreen, this must be what people on finance experience.

[cobblers]

The best bit of my abarth was a brand new windscreen. I'm not making the mistake of buying a new car again, so In future I'll just have to hope something terrible happens to my old scratched screen.

[M'coli]

A drive over a disused railway viaduct yesterday.

 

 

The sign is just a disclaimer, you're allowed to drive over it.

We've been over that! In the motorhome in early August.

[Guest Hooli]

What do you call a horse who likes arts and crafts?

A hobby horse.

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What do you call a pig with three eyes?

A piiig!!

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Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?

They say he made a mint.

---

Three fish are in a tank.

One asks the others, “How do you drive this thing?”

---

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?

You're too young to be smoking.

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What do you call a three legged donkey?

 A wonky

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How do you know when you're going to drown in milk?

When it's past your eyes.

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My aunt's star sign was cancer, so it's pretty ironic how she died...

She was eaten by a giant crab.

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A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?"

"Yes," replies the murderer, "Can you please hold my hand?"

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My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die.

I said, "Usually an overdose, son."

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What do you get when you cross a rabbit and a Rottweiler?

Just the Rottweiler.

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A man wakes up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouts, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replies, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms!"

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What's a dentist's favourite musical instrument?

A tuba toothpaste.

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How do you make anti-freeze?

Take away her blanket.

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What did the Policeman say to his bellybutton?

You're under a vest......

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My friend was annoyed with me for messing with her red wine.

So I added some fruit and lemonade, now she sangria than ever!

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I recently had the privelege of acting in a silent version of "Oliver".

It was brilliant, I could not have asked for more.

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They scoffed when I told them that I had discovered the secret of invisibility.

 If they could just see me now...

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My great uncle was a microbiologist during WW2 but he was really unpopular.

He was a germ man.

---

Which US state has the tiniest soft drinks?
Mini-soda!!

Where's the best place to buy a football shirt?
New Jersey!

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Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player?

Love means nothing to them...

---

Why did the cobbler go to Heaven?

Because he had a good sole!

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Why did the Koala have to shop on ebay?

Because he couldn't find it on Gumtree!

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How do you get two whales in a car?

You start in England and drive west!

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When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.

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Can you buy an entire chess set at a pawn shop?

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Did you know that an unemployed jester is nobody's fool?

---

2 astronauts were in the space station making their morning coffee on their first day in space.

Astronaut 1: "I can't seem to find any milk up here?"

Astronaut 2: "In space no one can. Here, use cream".

[Fumbler]

Leave.

[New POD]

How do you not realise you have lost a brake pad, I was taking out the waste bags at work and noticed this brake pad backing that was virtually ground through on the floor of the small private carpark, I had to get my phone to take a picture

 

20180908_200310.jpg

 

It's quite scary really that these people are driving the streets but it did make me laugh

Maybe it was in a bin bag in the boot of his car and fell out.

 

I once had an old spark plug fall out of my door pocket, and could i find it in the dark?

[New POD]

Accidentally stopped the wiper arm on the Rover catching the bonnet when you open it by simply removing and refitting them. We'll see how long that lasts. It is rather magical having brand new wipers and a brand new windscreen, this must be what people on finance experience.

When the screen cracked on my old mk2 Cavalier I went to the Vauxhall dealers and got them to price match the local motor factors on new blades. It is great.

[DSdriver]

Kwikfit today repaired two slow punctures and didn't charge for them because it took them 3 hours. Is that the price of them not being known as slowfit?

[320touring]

Had a good old chinwag with Skattrd of his parish - a most pleasant way to pass the evening!

[SierraMikeHotel]

I was going to post this in the Grumpy thread but I did Actual LOL when I saw this so I guess it belongs here.

 

It's the turn of the Reading branch of Mrs H's family to host their Christmas bash this year so I'm on AirBnB looking for somewhere that we can stay with our dog.

 

If I wanted this (in December!) I'd just fucking put the tent in the back of the Saab...

 

[robinmasters]

I've never experienced problems with Euro Car Parts.

 

Until last Friday.

 

The woman in front of me came in to collect an order someone else has reserved on the internet. She had a handwritten list on a piece of paper which said brake fluid, wiper blade and something else which I can't remember.

 

Lad behind counter says 'Wiper blade? No, it says spark plug on here'. Spent the next ten minutes fucking about trying to cancel off the spark plug and change it for a wiper blade.

 

He then printed off a pick list and went off to get the parts.

 

A couple of minutes later he comes back. Turns out the list on the computer screen only shows a truncated product description, the hard copy shows the full name. The order had been for a Bosch wiper blade, he'd seen the word Bosch and assumed it must be a spark plug. 

[Guest Hooli]

Do Bosch even make plugs? I don't think I've seen one.

[Des]

Oh they do, but they're nothing special. I must say you're doing something right with your life to have avoided Hun plugs, they've a chrome or bright nickel looking finish, very tacky.

[Guest Hooli]

Eww shiney

[Wack]

New standards have been set , now that's woolarding with style .

[SierraMikeHotel]

Due to an administrative oversight by my employers I've been getting less leave than I should have done since 2014, so I've got about three weeks of accrued leave suddenly owed to me that has to be used before the end of March.

 

My manager doesn't want to do without me for that amount of time (and I'm not sure what I'd do with myself anyway) so the organisation has agreed to pay me for the time instead

[Snipes]

Fuck I would love three weeks off at once. It would be great!

[Timewaster]

Fuck I would love three weeks off at once. It would be great!

Going back would be hard!

[dozeydustman]

15 days excess leave by March? Book every Friday off and have some nice long weekends

[skattrd]

This was awakened after a year or so slumber, and it started first turn of the key. The battery (which I'd left disconnected) was still charged as well, so super bonus.

 

 

To celebrate, I took it for a leisurely* drive to a pre-booked MOT, where it shall have minor fettling before being tested.

I'd forgotten how much fun it was to drive, so I'm still grinning a little from the boost.

[The Moog]

Fuck I would love three weeks off at once. It would be great!

One of the absolute joys of my current job is I can have a month off at one. Absolute bliss! 

[Stinkwheel]

One of the absolute joys of my current job is I can have a month off at one. Absolute bliss!

Autoshite legend that you are Moog, statements like the one above can really get peoples noses out of joint

[wuvvum]

A paramedic has just gone hooning past the office in a fully liveried-up and Battenburged Mk1 Citroën C4 Coupe.  I knew that the NHS is underfunded but I hadn't realised things had got that bad.