What makes you grin? Antidote to grumpy thread

[purplebargeken]

Snails/slugs cause lungworm in dogs. Don't like the slimy bastards.

[dome]

There was a snack van at Bo'ness Hill Climb selling chips & mince AND mince & chips.

 

I'm sure they were both delicious but I did not partake.

I was there and wandered up to a snack van advertising "Healthy Snacks"

 

And yes I came away with chips and mince. Was lovely!

[Mr_Bo11ox]

I don’t want to diss the boys in Solihull but I couldn’t help grinning at this ridiculous ‘breakthrough’ that’s coming on the new Discovery. They have developed a ‘Seat Folder app’ that allows you to remotely configure the seats in your Disco through your smartphone from anywhere in the world! I hope customers like it, but if ever there was something that sounded like utterly needless use of technology for the sake of it, this is it. The only good use I can think of is, if Mrs Disco is away from home for a few days she could fold all the seats flat during the night from her phone so that when Mr Disco gets up in the morning and tries to go somewhere in it he has to spend 30 secs sorting it all out. Or maybe she could put the drivers seat all the way forwards while Mr Disco is driving so that he is crushed to death ‘Christine’ style, actually she could do this while sitting up all rosy-cheeked and messy haired in the bed of the man she is having an affair with for an added ‘ironic twist’.

 

http://www.autocar.co.uk/car-news/new-cars/2017-land-rover-discovery-confirmed-intelligent-seat-fold-tech

 

Who in gods name needs to use their flippin phone to remotely adjust their car seats when they are not even in the car? The mind boggles.

[Kiltox]

Sounds like a massive security risk to me

[Spottedlaurel]

I don’t want to diss the boys in Solihull but I couldn’t help grinning at this ridiculous ‘breakthrough’ that’s coming on the new Discovery. They have developed a ‘Seat Folder app’..........

 

It’s kept some engineers in employment somewhere……

[cort16]

They figured out all the good stuff ages ago like aircon, remote central locking ABS, traction control and the like They're just nobbing around coming up with useless features to sell to tech hungry numpties like radar guided cup holders, night vision gear knobs and air conditioned tyres.

 

 

Also who keep their phone on their arm?

 

[Negative Creep]

Sounds like a good excuse for #EPIC BANTZ by constantly moving your friend's seats all the way forward so they can't get in

[Sheefag]

The Legacy has developed a slight exhaust blow, I prefer it.

[dollywobbler]

Vauxhall just made me chuckle on Twitter.

[beko1987]

I bet they don't reply... boring bastards

[purplebargeken]

Reply: Sorry mate, none in stock. Try Autoshite!

[bramz7]

Got the green ZXs V5 through the post today, which is nice.

 

But just noticed that both ZXs previous owners acquired their cars on 31st May, one 2015, one 2016.

 

WTF

[Asimo]

They figured out all the good stuff ages ago like petrol engines, torque converters, springs, tyres and the like They're just nobbing around coming up with useless features to rent to tech hungry numpties like radar guided cup holders, night vision gear knobs and air conditioned tyres.

 

 

 

 

E.F.A.

[Asimo]

Saw a blue one of these this morning; local suffix plate, well used but tidy, absolutely standard, even had the toothed Toyota mud flaps; at work and carrying stuff.

 

Because they are now so rare and I am a van nerd I checked mot history for the mileage. Mileometer broken.

 

The grin is that it still exists, is used, mot history shows zero fails + the advisory for preventative maintenance and that it was registered 34 years ago today.

[RoadworkUK]

Just recieved a '79 Ford range brochure to fill a small gap in my collection.

It's distinctly pornographic, of course, but what caused me at least a muted chuckle was the sticker on the front cover

It seems Ford forecasted scene tax almost 40 years ago.

 

Sent from my HTC One_M8 using Tapatalk

[cobblers]

I was doing a bit of troubleshooting today at work. A customer has a bus that won't crank over.

 

Anyway, if you think modern car electrics are mental, get ready for this one:

 

Instead of a switch attached to a wire going to the starter solenoid:

 

 

The start button sends a physical (negative switched) pulse to an Input/Output unit (one of 5 or 6 identical ones on the bus). This encodes the signal into a data packet, which then travels over the Multibus network to the CAMU - the master on this particular network. If the CAMU is happy that the battery level isn't too low and the engine bay door is shut etc, it sends another data packet out to the dash clocks.

The dash clocks are a bridge between the Multibus "buttons and doors and lights" network to the proper J1939 network which is for the oily mechanical bits.

Anyway, this vehicle has a Mercedes engine, so instead of the engine ECU being on this network, it's got an ADM unit which is like the Mercedes "gateway" to the ECU at the front of the vehicle which picks up the signal from the throttle pedal and ignition and stuff.

So, this ADM receives a packet from the dashboard saying "start the engine". If it's happy with various things (oil level and stuff) then it'll send another data packet out on ANOTHER network - fault tolerant CAN this time. (It runs at higher voltage than normal CAN)

This data finally travels down some wires to the back of the bus and into the engine ECU where it's decoded back into a physical pulse, which then passes through for transistors in series with a current sensing resistor before finally making it's way to the starter solenoid.

 

I can't really believe this is the first time I've been asked for help with this.

The ECU does have a pin marked "Terminal 50, Starter in" but if you start it using that, the vehicle just runs at 1250RPM in limp mode and ignores the throttle pedal.

[twosmoke300]

The main issue in that system is the word Mercedes !

Have any of you guys ever worked in Belarus tractor electrics ? They start on 24v but charge and everything runs on 12 v ! Sounds simple but the Russian mechanical switching is mind blowing

[beko1987]

Sounds simpler than a citroen wiring though...

[scaryoldcortina]

Sounds a bit like a Jag XJ40 I was asked to adapt so it would start after a manual gearbox conversion.

[anonymous user]

Cobblers, that is insane, I'm sure whoever came up with that convoluted load of bollocks thought to ask the poor sods who operate/maintain them if they thought it was a good idea. I'm sure there must be a point to it, but it doesn't bode well for the small independent operators a few years down the line.

 

No doubt they will soon be adding the seat configuration technology mentioned above, so that potential passengers can adjust the seat that they are about to sit in before they get to it.

[Kiltox]

Just sold the Clio I have in stock - total marketing cost £16 which is far better than the £70 autotrader want!

[Kiltox]

Gumtree is £15 a pop for trade

[Asimo]

I was doing a bit of troubleshooting today at work. A customer has a bus that won't crank over.

 

Anyway, if you think modern car electrics are mental, get ready for this one:

 

Instead of a switch attached to a wire going to the starter solenoid:

 

 

 

Because I could never get to the bottom of the random starter-not-working on my, my wifes, now mine again, Subaru Legacy

 

I fitted a metre of wire and a push-button. 

 

Up yours immobiliser/relays/can-bus/engine management module/body control module.

[Inspector Morose]

I was doing a bit of troubleshooting today at work. A customer has a bus that won't crank over.

 

Anyway, if you think modern car electrics are mental, get ready for this one:

 

Instead of a switch attached to a wire going to the starter solenoid:

 

 

The start button sends a physical (negative switched) pulse to an Input/Output unit (one of 5 or 6 identical ones on the bus). This encodes the signal into a data packet, which then travels over the Multibus network to the CAMU - the master on this particular network. If the CAMU is happy that the battery level isn't too low and the engine bay door is shut etc, it sends another data packet out to the dash clocks.

The dash clocks are a bridge between the Multibus "buttons and doors and lights" network to the proper J1939 network which is for the oily mechanical bits.

Anyway, this vehicle has a Mercedes engine, so instead of the engine ECU being on this network, it's got an ADM unit which is like the Mercedes "gateway" to the ECU at the front of the vehicle which picks up the signal from the throttle pedal and ignition and stuff.

So, this ADM receives a packet from the dashboard saying "start the engine". If it's happy with various things (oil level and stuff) then it'll send another data packet out on ANOTHER network - fault tolerant CAN this time. (It runs at higher voltage than normal CAN)

This data finally travels down some wires to the back of the bus and into the engine ECU where it's decoded back into a physical pulse, which then passes through for transistors in series with a current sensing resistor before finally making it's way to the starter solenoid.

 

I can't really believe this is the first time I've been asked for help with this.

The ECU does have a pin marked "Terminal 50, Starter in" but if you start it using that, the vehicle just runs at 1250RPM in limp mode and ignores the throttle pedal.

Optare product per chance?

[cobblers]

Cobblers, that is insane, I'm sure whoever came up with that convoluted load of bollocks thought to ask the poor sods who operate/maintain them if they thought it was a good idea.

 

It's all down to how the systems all were designed totally separately and were forced to work together.

 

The Merc stuff was originally on trucks and had a wire direct from the ignition to the starter terminal - the rest was "bonus comfort stuff" so it wasn't important for it to be all that robust.

The Actia/optare stuff originally was designed for Cummins engines with a +24v feed for the starter and no intercommunication between the dash and the doors/lights multibus network, so again it didn't need to be all that robust (and it really flipping isn't!)

Then they updated it because the newer euro4/5 merc engines prefer to be started just via the network.

 

 

TBH with three quarters of a brain and the diagnostics tackle, it's not that bad to deal with. But you'll need two different types of gear, both at 3-7k subscription per year. Only one of them is available knockoff on ebay for £50.

[cobblers]

Optare product per chance?

Of course! Solo.

I love Solos! They're great. They pay for my car and house.

[scaryoldcortina]

Only one of them is available knockoff on ebay for £50.

Is the other one MBstar/DAS/Xentry?

[cobblers]

I'm told the knockoff Delphi DS150 is good enough for the Merc stuff, We use a genuine one and it does what we need on the test bench.

It's the Actia multibus diagnostics for the body modules that's the real stinger because there's no cheap alternative and there's really no other way to work out whats wrong other than just throwing parts at it.

[jakebullet]

Interesting model 'boat' spotted the other day. Boat & small child do not belong to me.

 

http://youtu.be/xuR6Jb3tYw4

[xtriple]

I wish you'd been the one to sort out why my car occasionally refused to start... ecu's can go to fuck!