Tropes you see on the road

[Volksy]

The Block Paver.

Normally 'driving' a shiny pickup, with some sort of homo-erotic moniker such as Barbarian, Gladiator etc. 

Seems to have moved on to Ford Ranger Raptors in recent times. 

On 'The Gear', or charlie/nosebag or a combo of the two, which will go some way to explaining their angry demeanour. Will, when not shouting abuse grunt terms such as 'Cheat Day', 'PB', 'Protein Shake'.. 

Generic tattoo sleeves,  riggers and hand perpetually shoved down the front of his grey trakkies.

Generally double parked, whilst collecting their Blond Beautician bird up from the shop, who literally has the same looks as Janice from The Muppets, but with none of the hippy vibe. In fact quite the exact opposite attitude and manner.

The fact that he probably fantasises over his gym buddy Stevo rather than her (and she knows it) probably doesn't help the situation.

[TheOtherStu]

On 21/10/2023 at 17:15, Cavcraft said:

Mr Wannabe bike gang member.

67 years old. Unkempt, grey hair. Straggly long beard. Open face helmet. Sunglasses all year round. Face contorted into a sort of welded on grimace as he tries to look hard when it's -5. Rides a Honda Shadow  750 with more chrome than a bathroom warehouse. Stupid, loud exhaust. £1 shop tattoos. Prize possession is a cut-off leather waistcoat with sew on badges that say things like 'biker for life'  and 'ride to live' with an eagle on the back so people think he's a legit member of an outlaw motorcycle club. Revs his bike up at the lights. Won't nod to a scooter riders, people on 125s or sports bike riders. Lives alone after his wife fucked off because he was knocking her about. Has a confederate flag on his bedroom ceiling. Post messages about 'snowflakes' and tells everyone he's not allowed to say what he wants to say because it's 'probably against the law'.  Hates imported goods, everything should be made in Britain. Keeps the Chinese in business with the amount of tat he's glued/bolted/screwed to his bike.

This man comments on every EV advert (including wall chargers) letting people know the usual tropes - catch on fire, kiddies in the congo, they're not green, powered by coal.
That kind of thing. Anyone who tries to put him right is "woke".

[martc]

3 hours ago, TheOtherStu said:

This man comments on every EV advert (including wall chargers) letting people know the usual tropes - catch on fire, kiddies in the congo, they're not green, powered by coal.
That kind of thing. Anyone who tries to put him right is "woke".

He'd go crackers if he knew I had an electric Zero motorbike - made in California.

[dozeydustman]

The ‘I only drive because I have to’.

covers a wide genre of persons from any gender, age, background etc.

Drives anywhere with a blank expression on their face. Very plain looking people. Not chisel-sharp handsome but neither are they bulldogs chewing wasps with a lemon juice dressing, but have an air about them which makes them look like they have dull personas. Two hands on the wheel doing shuffle steering because that’s what they were taught, but still just as jerky and erratic as their first driving lesson. May click their tongue while driving to soothe their anger or anxiety at being behind the wheel. Passenger must operate heater/radio/other non-driving related controls as not to lose their already haphazard control.

The entire family would prefer to use public transport or a bicycle but as there are no ‘safe’ cycling areas for the children and no direct public transport to anywhere in the world they want to visit they use a car.

As a singleton or couple they own something porridgey to drive and porridgey in colour, because they have no need to go fast and see their car only as a means to an end. Think Chevrolet Spark, Hyundai Accent II, Proton Savvy. The family version may consider a Yaris, citybug or VW Up! as perfect for their needs as it’s brilliant for 2 adults, 3 kids and the large breed family dog and they never* really go far. Owned from new when they passed their driving test. Always the lowest spec model because they don’t actually want it but circumstances dictate they need it. Despite hating driving they keep their car reasonably clean as not to sully their driveway.

 

[warch]

The new dad.

Suddenly confronted with the emotional turmoil of realising that he has responsibilities now and absolutely shitting himself, he'll have dealt with the issue the only way he knows how and gone out and bought what he considers to be a sensible family car.

Traditionally this was an estate or people carrier and/or something bland and sensible, now it'll probably be a crossover or SUV. It'll be driven fairly slowly and  slightly erratically as the driver is justifiably terrified of any possible threat towards the little bundle of joy now sitting quietly defecating in their special chair mounted on the huge back seat, something not helped by the fact that he has averaged 2 hours of sleep a night for the past month.

Excellently parodied in the first Paddington film when Mr Brown delivers a heavily pregnant Mrs Brown to the maternity ward on a chopper, and picks her up in a beige Volvo 240 estate. 

 

[RoverFolkUs]

On 22/10/2023 at 15:47, dozeydustman said:

The ‘oh shit I’m speeding’

Normally an Astra or an older Fabia. Found in the middle or outside lane trying to overtake you. Your speedo shows 70. They start to over take, when they get 1/3 up the side of you, they realise they’re doing 70.0001mph and match your speed for the next 3 miles (even if you do the decent thing and slow down to let them pass).

They can’t do over 70 because it’s against the law. Meanwhile they’re obstructing the flow of traffic, nobody can manoeuvre past anyone else because one idiot is frightened of getting a speeding ticket.

Normally someone that has a permanent look of frustration on their face, in the town is a saintly motorist or knight if the road, and wonder why the first of the 9 million cars behind them is flashing or gesturing at them for 69 in the outside lane.

@AnnoyingPentium silence is not the answer. Can you confirm or deny 😉🤣

[AnnoyingPentium]

8 hours ago, RoverFolkUs said:

@AnnoyingPentium silence is not the answer. Can you confirm or deny 😉🤣

Considering when the speedo says 70 on mine and the actual speed is 61... 😂

[New POD]

23 minutes ago, AnnoyingPentium said:

Considering when the speedo says 70 on mine and the actual speed is 61... 😂

I wonder what construction and use regulations say about speedo accuracy.  Isn't it (i have only hearsay of the axtual rules) : must show Actual Speed + 10% minus 0% 

So in your case it's allowed to show up to 67.1 mph at 61 mph. 

You are obviously a hardened criminal who doesn't care about regulations. 

Obviously nobody checks, as it's too* hard. 

*I know in parts of europe it is part of the Annual MOT/TUV/other test. 

[EyesWeldedShut]

PCP 'soccer mom to be' aka 'un-yummy mummy'
(prompted by a supermarket car park encounter yesterday)

We've already met the plastic coated, shaped eye brow'd, copper coloured and fast fashion clad twenty-something. This is her slightly older sister....

Chantelle/Brittany/Chardonnay is shortly due to fall off the cliff that is turning thirty. She's finding that having three kids in the family (Troy, Estelle and her husband - Luke) is making it difficult to get in the tanning and nail salon time so she's having to let the less important things, like family nutrition and keeping things shipshape/Bristol fashion slip.
Two children under the age of five complicates life too - she had to get rid of her Bini convertible as the two doors meant getting the kids in and out of the back seats was ruining her hair/nails/eyebrows/back. Fortunately, Luke (her hero when he's not in the doghouse), stepped up and 'bought' her a '70' plated Mini Countryman AWD in silver with red viper stripes and 'gorgeous', waver thin low profiles on 19" rims. Four year PCP with £10K balloon payment because 'I'm she's worth it').
Cosmetically - it's in a shit state - needs a really good internal and external valeting. The former to remove the detritus of modern life from front and rear footwells (nail files, McDonalds wrappers and (un)Happy Toys, used vapes, snot rags etc). The latter would actually help reveal the car to be silver and not primer grey like next door's Audi.
Mechanically - it's in a shit state (over and above the fact it's a Countryman).  It's only done 20K miles and the DPF is like the lungs of an 80 Gauloise a day Parisien from the 1960s. This car never gets warmed up in its urban lifestyle. The rear tyres are on the wear marks whilst the front? They're proper Kojaks with added side wall patina from running around with 8psi in them. This is Lukes territory though - 'cos he's the man of the family. He takes care of things. He's not spotted that the four year PCP overlaps the first MoT by 12 months. Luke is going to get a surprise soon.

Yesterday I parked alongside Chantelle/Brittany/Chardonnay's Bini and had the joy* of watching her load Troy and Estelle into their rear seat isofixes whilst barking at them continuously.  They were baa-ing back at her in a similar tone. Seemed to take ages. My Welsh Collie is quieter and more efficient when loading sheep - maybe I could rent him to her- he was in the back of the Ovlov and I'm convinced the wee mind reader was trying to hide behind the wheel arch.

 

[EyesWeldedShut]

19 minutes ago, New POD said:

I wonder what construction and use regulations say about speedo accuracy.  Isn't it (i have only hearsay of the axtual rules) : must show Actual Speed + 10% minus 0% 

So in your case it's allowed to show up to 67.1 mph at 61 mph. 

You are obviously a hardened criminal who doesn't care about regulations. 

Obviously nobody checks, as it's too* hard. 

*I know in parts of europe it is part of the Annual MOT/TUV/other test. 

Con and Use is kind of your 10% ::
Not meant to underread at all.
Overread up to a maximum of 110% of the shown speed plus 6.25 mph (10km/h as it's really an EU directive) at any speed

So an indicated 30 mph can actually be a smidge under 40 mph.
AnnoyingPentiums indicated 61 can be 67.1 plus that 6.25 (boggling)
It's not a valid defence in court to claim/show that your speedo does just that (but it may be useful mitigation).

Our Bini overreads by 1 -2 mph at all speeds (according to GPS) Pug used to be the same but is on bigger tyres so it's more or less bang on now.

[AnnoyingPentium]

3 minutes ago, EyesWeldedShut said:

AnnoyingPentiums indicated 61 can be 67.1 plus that 6.25 (boggling)

I believe I've written this wrong, or the wrong way about...

The indicated 70 on the car is actually 61 or thereabouts, it reads over considerably. Or did, I've since sorted it.

[EyesWeldedShut]

1 minute ago, AnnoyingPentium said:

I believe I've written this wrong, or the wrong way about...

The indicated 70 on the car is actually 61 or thereabouts, it reads over considerably. Or did, I've since sorted it.

That's the giffer mode you've disabled then? Found the correct fuse to pull - congrats
You may find also a giffer-block on fifth gear with some Vectras. It's due to fibres from their bonnets wedging down the side of the gear lever preventing any further sideways extension from the 3rd/4th gates.
 

[TheOtherStu]

20 minutes ago, EyesWeldedShut said:

That's the giffer mode you've disabled then? Found the correct fuse to pull - congrats
You may find also a giffer-block on fifth gear with some Vectras. It's due to fibres from their bonnets wedging down the side of the gear lever preventing any further sideways extension from the 3rd/4th gates.
 

I'm aware I'm taking this particularly enthralling topic a little off-topic, but I test drove cars for our fleet team - at one point I had 1-2 a week.

What I've found is that many new cars have both an analogue dial as well as a digital version. Using a GPS, the digital one is normally pretty accurate - often within 1mph. The analogue dial can be as much as 10% and usually at least 5%.

[Metal Guru]

42 minutes ago, TheOtherStu said:

I'm aware I'm taking this particularly enthralling topic a little off-topic, but I test drove cars for our fleet team - at one point I had 1-2 a week.

What I've found is that many new cars have both an analogue dial as well as a digital version. Using a GPS, the digital one is normally pretty accurate - often within 1mph. The analogue dial can be as much as 10% and usually at least 5%.

Absolutely correct. 10% was with analogue technology, with digital it’s virtually spot on until you put different size wheels on . However , you shouldn’t change overall wheel / tyre size by more than 2%, so the accuracy should be within that.

[New POD]

2 hours ago, EyesWeldedShut said:

Con and Use is kind of your 10% ::
Not meant to underread at all.
Overread up to a maximum of 110% of the shown speed plus 6.25 mph (10km/h as it's really an EU directive) at any speed

So an indicated 30 mph can actually be a smidge under 40 mph.
AnnoyingPentiums indicated 61 can be 67.1 plus that 6.25 (boggling)
It's not a valid defence in court to claim/show that your speedo does just that (but it may be useful mitigation).

Our Bini overreads by 1 -2 mph at all speeds (according to GPS) Pug used to be the same but is on bigger tyres so it's more or less bang on now.

So what's the slowest real speed at an indicated 70 

I make it a 57.95 (ish).  So someone doing a real 58 mph could actually have 70 mph on the dial. 

Wow. Shit rules. 

[warch]

11 hours ago, New POD said:

So what's the slowest real speed at an indicated 70 

I make it a 57.95 (ish).  So someone doing a real 58 mph could actually have 70 mph on the dial. 

Wow. Shit rules. 

My Landrover has an interesting arrangement whereby the speedometer sort of runs out of puff (much like the vehicle it lives in) so 0-30 is fairly accurate but anything above that is fairly arbitrary. Using a phone gps app and driving at ludicrous speed nets me nothing over 60 actual miles per hour, with a mean cruising speed of about 40-45 which is generally fine in normal traffic. It does royally piss off truckers (soz to the hard working lads of the road haulage industry) as I can barely crack 56 on motorways. 

[Pieman]

Even though I don't really own any autoshite, this thread confirms why I feel so at home on here.  We all seem to passionately hate humankind.

[sheffcortinacentre]

Dirty Harry is our role model.

[Metal Guru]

The should’ve given up years ago.

Closely related to the Giffer, but well into their 80s. Resist any attempt to convince them they shouldn’t still be driving, pointing out they’ve never had an accident oblivious to the many they’re caused and more dents than a Russian tank in Ukraine. Numerous  near misses due to missing No Entry and one way signs and “maniacs”  driving too fast, I.e over 20 mph.

Max speed is under  30, chiefly because that’s as fast as it goes  in first gear with the clutch only partially engaged and the handbrake still on.
Anyone “interested” will be told how little petrol the Jazz/i10/Fusion uses but won’t be told about the horrendous bills for replacement clutches , brake pads and kerbed tyres and wheels. Car is always garaged  “to protect it”, but gains another scrape everytime it goes in or out.

Displaying  the obligatory blue badge, parking is nevertheless still a challenge squeezing into the disabled spaces.

Winter brings additional challenges as wipers, demister, heater and lights are only found by sheer chance and never remembered. Blamed on modern cars having too many gadgets.

 

[Asimo]

Daily Mail man, to be seen reversing into the peak flow of morning commuters.
His dew-soaked anonymous Mitsubishi / Hyundai / Astra just has time to get into third before it stops without signalling right outside the newsagents. His fix of hate, fear and envy procured, the poor and pointless car drags on round the block. It only ever turns left, he moans that the heater doesn’t work. There is a wheeltrim missing. 

[EyesWeldedShut]

20 hours ago, New POD said:

So what's the slowest real speed at an indicated 70 

I make it a 57.95 (ish).  So someone doing a real 58 mph could actually have 70 mph on the dial. 

Wow. Shit rules. 

Yeah - just under 58 - so there I am, all giffer'd up in the 940, outside lane being 'naughty' at an indicated 75mph wondering why there's other cars clambering all over my arse end? Boggling

[New POD]

Money saving Misery.

Drives a C1.

Despite having 4 kids, a wife and a dog. 

Because 20 quid tax, 20 quid gets you to the other end of the country (if you stop and put another 20 quid in 3 times)  20 quid gets a month's insurance, 20 quid gets you a tyre.  He hates driving, but doesn't know why. 

[Metal Guru]

1 hour ago, EyesWeldedShut said:

Yeah - just under 58 - so there I am, all giffer'd up in the 940, outside lane being 'naughty' at an indicated 75mph wondering why there's other cars clambering all over my arse end? Boggling

All I know is my at 50mph , my cruise control , (used at motorway road works with average speed cameras), seems to set about 10mph slower than those fitted by Scania, and Volvo and Mercedes commercial divisions.

[sierraman]

2 hours ago, New POD said:

Money saving Misery.

Drives a C1.

Despite having 4 kids, a wife and a dog. 

Because 20 quid tax, 20 quid gets you to the other end of the country (if you stop and put another 20 quid in 3 times)  20 quid gets a month's insurance, 20 quid gets you a tyre.  He hates driving, but doesn't know why. 

Maybe I like the misery!! 

[sierraman]

8 hours ago, Metal Guru said:

The should’ve given up years ago.

Closely related to the Giffer, but well into their 80s. Resist any attempt to convince them they shouldn’t still be driving, pointing out they’ve never had an accident oblivious to the many they’re caused and more dents than a Russian tank in Ukraine. Numerous  near misses due to missing No Entry and one way signs and “maniacs”  driving too fast, I.e over 20 mph.

Max speed is under  30, chiefly because that’s as fast as it goes  in first gear with the clutch only partially engaged and the handbrake still on.
Anyone “interested” will be told how little petrol the Jazz/i10/Fusion uses but won’t be told about the horrendous bills for replacement clutches , brake pads and kerbed tyres and wheels. Car is always garaged  “to protect it”, but gains another scrape everytime it goes in or out.

Displaying  the obligatory blue badge, parking is nevertheless still a challenge squeezing into the disabled spaces.

Winter brings additional challenges as wipers, demister, heater and lights are only found by sheer chance and never remembered. Blamed on modern cars having too many gadgets.

 

Put away wet every day. 😂

[New POD]

11 minutes ago, sierraman said:

Put away wet every day. 😂

My fil wouldn't take the car out if there was a chance of rain or Salt on the road. 

On the few occasions it rained whilst he was out, it was left out until he could wash it and polish it.  Mind you he would push it out of the garage at least once a week if it were dry and wash and polish it, even if he hadn't used it.  Plus check, note down and correct the tyre pressures. 

[New POD]

15 minutes ago, sierraman said:

Maybe I like the misery!! 

That's why we are all here. 

[Rustybullethole]

The ulez builder. Riding around on the bump stops with a massive roof rack and a car absolutely full of tools and supplies. Can ne found at the merchants moaning about the loss of his transit. 

[martc]

5 hours ago, Asimo said:

Daily Mail man, to be seen reversing into the peak flow of morning commuters.
His dew-soaked anonymous Mitsubishi / Hyundai / Astra just has time to get into third before it stops without signalling right outside the newsagents. His fix of hate, fear and envy procured, the poor and pointless car drags on round the block. It only ever turns left, he moans that the heater doesn’t work. There is a wheeltrim missing. 

And that is why he is so angry - turning right (far right) is all he knows.

[Lord Sterling]

On 05/10/2023 at 07:28, Steviemillar said:

The Tesla Driver - a pretentious prick usually who looks down their nose at everyone else as they are clearly doing their bit for The 'Vironment and the rest of us Tesla-less minions are clearly not. These people reckon they are part of the  "in" crowd or like to think they are anyway. Speed limits especially in town and parking restrictions also don't seem to apply to this group either and as for traffic lights, they seem to think by flying through amber/red lights it makes it all ok. 

 

Sorry, that turned into a bit of a rant...

Nope, absolutely nail on the head there.

Tesla owners love to tell people that they own a Tesla casually ramming it like a square peg into a round hole into a conversation that has nothing to do with cars or environment, in fact, some even go as far as going to a cheap local newspaper to pretend they had some problem with charging their car or other just to raise the attention bar thus guaranteeing that mkst people in their local town will know they drive a Tesla.

Tesla drivers DO NOT like it when you pass them. They'll happily bimble blissfully in the middle lane until they see a "lesser" car overtake them on the outside lane and proceed to race you dangerously to stay in front thus keeping the pecking order in order.