Tropes you see on the road

[sheffcortinacentre]

Try that in a classic ,I've been cut up in cortinas for having the audacity to overtake someone in a modern or I'm tailgated  for daring to be obeying traffic laws in one.

It's the WTCR (wallet to cock ratio)  bigger the wallet smaller the cock.

[RoverFolkUs]

The modern-but-not-modern Volvo owner. 

They own a late 00's XC70. It has to be an XC70. They wear beige trousers and definitely wear glasses. 

They have an unhealthy relationship with the HBOL. They read it before bed and they carry it around in public as a comforter. 

The owner is a general nuisance to garages because he will visit random ones on a regular basis pointing out various procedures in the Haynes manual that are really easy to do but he just can't do them himself, such as replacing the rear trailing arm bushes. The part is only about 74 pence and according to the subject matter experts on the forums which he incessantly subscribes to, a DIYer can have them done in an hour flat on the driveway so if a garage charges you more than 5 minutes labour to do the job, fighting the seized camber bolts along the way, they're ripping you off. 

His favourite hobbies include, but are not limited to: disappointing his wife in more ways than you could ever imagine. When he's not doing this, he turns to his other hobby which is his collection of cornflakes. He has them labelled in a folder and measures them with a micrometer and individually weighs each one with jewellery scales and has it all logged on a spreadsheet. 

Back to the vehicle in question, it will usually have a matching set of the most expensive, shittest tyres available because he swears by them and the dry rot definitely doesn't do them any harm. At least one of them is always in a permanent state of under-inflation because it's got a non-repairable puncture but he can't possibly interfere with the rate of wear. Tyres must be replaced in sets. 

In addition to the aforementioned beige trousers, he wears a dark green Berghaus fleece tank top. The obligatory hat on the parcel shelf is actually absent from position and instead permanently affixed to his napper. The box of tissues are present but they are solely used to wipe off bird poo from the windows because it's bad for the paint (!)

The car will be belching out smoke at all times, but it's ok because he's checked with the subject matter experts on the Volvo forums and they've told him it's because of the DPF and it's nothing to worry about. 

All in all, he's a very irritating character who knows everything about maintaing and fixing it but when it comes to getting his hands dirty, someone else needs to do it as close to free as possible....

[Lord Sterling]

Food stock delivery driver (for restaurants/eating places)

Invariably drives a utterly battered and very grubby white Mercedes Sprinter LWB with a smashed passenger mirror casing held together by brown tape. Interior is as grubby as the outside. 

Drives quite slowly as despite having delivered there hundreds of times before, still forgets where to go and parks up generally in the middle of the road. Has no qualms in scraping the van against posts/fences/walls in narrower places so long as the stock is delivered. Back doors are covered in rust stains.

[Lord Sterling]

Suburban roadman. A sort of similar type of variation of the "Trustafarian". The suburban roadman will dress and act as if they are from the downtrodden inner city yet they are in fact from more affluent areas and come from affluent families.

At first, they'll be driving some sort of Mum and Dad financed Fiesta ST, then later, they'll move onto a slightly older German marque car such as a Mercedes C-class or a BMW 3 series. They'll make their cars sound like rally cars or have a turbo whine sound or "whoosh" gear changing sound, windows will invariably be illegally tinted to give the look of being as suspicious as possible. 

[sierraman]

8 hours ago, RoverFolkUs said:

The modern-but-not-modern Volvo owner. 

They own a late 00's XC70. It has to be an XC70. They wear beige trousers and definitely wear glasses. 

They have an unhealthy relationship with the HBOL. They read it before bed and they carry it around in public as a comforter. 

The owner is a general nuisance to garages because he will visit random ones on a regular basis pointing out various procedures in the Haynes manual that are really easy to do but he just can't do them himself, such as replacing the rear trailing arm bushes. The part is only about 74 pence and according to the subject matter experts on the forums which he incessantly subscribes to, a DIYer can have them done in an hour flat on the driveway so if a garage charges you more than 5 minutes labour to do the job, fighting the seized camber bolts along the way, they're ripping you off. 

His favourite hobbies include, but are not limited to: disappointing his wife in more ways than you could ever imagine. When he's not doing this, he turns to his other hobby which is his collection of cornflakes. He has them labelled in a folder and measures them with a micrometer and individually weighs each one with jewellery scales and has it all logged on a spreadsheet. 

Back to the vehicle in question, it will usually have a matching set of the most expensive, shittest tyres available because he swears by them and the dry rot definitely doesn't do them any harm. At least one of them is always in a permanent state of under-inflation because it's got a non-repairable puncture but he can't possibly interfere with the rate of wear. Tyres must be replaced in sets. 

In addition to the aforementioned beige trousers, he wears a dark green Berghaus fleece tank top. The obligatory hat on the parcel shelf is actually absent from position and instead permanently affixed to his napper. The box of tissues are present but they are solely used to wipe off bird poo from the windows because it's bad for the paint (!)

The car will be belching out smoke at all times, but it's ok because he's checked with the subject matter experts on the Volvo forums and they've told him it's because of the DPF and it's nothing to worry about. 

All in all, he's a very irritating character who knows everything about maintaing and fixing it but when it comes to getting his hands dirty, someone else needs to do it as close to free as possible....

Are these the type that will stand over you at all times looking at their watch. 

[warch]

'The Wolf of Wolfsburg'

This particular individual buys only Volkswagen or at a pinch VAG cars. They've seen the advertising copy stating 'if only everything in life was as reliable as a Volkswagen' and taken it at its word despite all evidence to the contrary*. Liable to get very defensive and gatekeepery about their preferred marque, especially on online forums which are invariably policed to eliminate any trace of dissent from the almost religious dogma of germanic build quality. Obviously drives a Volkswagen or possibly an Audi, a Skoda or a Seat, may be devoted to some hopelessly shit pedestrian model from the automotive dawn of time like a B3 Passat or a Breadvan which has inexplicably achieved classic status and has been accordingly clobbered with the scene tax stick. 

Modern volkerati love soft return interior handles and red and blue interior lighting. 

*A friend of the family owned about forty years worth of crap unreliable VWs (mainly Golfs and buses) before the penny dropped and she bought a French camper instead. 

[warch]

8 hours ago, RoverFolkUs said:

All in all, he's a very irritating character who knows everything about maintaing and fixing it but when it comes to getting his hands dirty, someone else needs to do it as close to free as possible....

As someone who mends all their own (and occasionally) other people's vehicles I've sort of gone the other way on this and have vastly increased respect for people who do it day in day out for a living. I don't know how garages cope with chocolate fasteners, welded together components or snapped bolts that typify my modern automotive experience. It'd take a special sort of automotive wizard to remove and refit a brittle undertray without bits snapping off. 

[martc]

11 hours ago, Lord Sterling said:

Food stock delivery driver (for restaurants/eating places)

The Food Stock Delivery Driver can be spotted out in the wild by the improbably large orange coloured nylon string sack full of onions carried over his shoulder and rolling (by kicking) a green and gold 25l drum of cooking oil in front of him.

That is all they deliver.

[Noel Tidybeard]

On 04/10/2023 at 20:36, RoverFolkUs said:

Toyota Auris Hybrid

[Excluding taxi usage]

It will have exceptionally low miles on the clock, driven by someone with the reaction time of a potato and used for daily trips to M+S. You'll find a strange array of items in the boot, including a spare set of underwear and a she-wee. 

The interior will smell of lavender and magazines, and you'll often spot it out in the wild performing utterly ridiculous manoeuvres and twelve point turns. It's not shy of navigating the wrong way around a one way system.

For those working in the vehicle repair industry, you'll find it's booked in every 6 weeks or so for a vehicle safety check having covered no more than 50 miles or so in between each one. 

may in fact be funnel that came with the car as capless fuel filler but mistaken for a she-wee by the owner🤣

[Metal Guru]

The delusional DIYer 

Usually spotted on a Sunday morning in a B&Q car park trying to get an 8 x 4 sheet of ply into a Fiesta.

[dozeydustman]

On 05/10/2023 at 20:45, stuboy said:

over weight woman 30 to 40s, driving nissan cascow or a puke, gold jewelry and a mum/dad tattoo........

I saw one of these today at my HGV medical.

Made me look as svelte as Jean Shrimpton, arms covered in tats, taking her 2 well* behaved kids to the doctor with an equally chavvy female friend (possibly a sister - ‘Aunty Chantal’).

When the doc called them in it was for Capri and Nova (surname). Possibly named after her favourite cars.

[Cavcraft]

6 hours ago, warch said:

'The Wolf of Wolfsburg'

This particular individual buys only Volkswagen or at a pinch VAG group cars. They've seen the advertising copy stating 'if only everything in life was as reliable as a Volkswagen' and taken it at its word despite all evidence to the contrary*. Liable to get very defensive and gatekeepery about their preferred marque, especially on online forums which are invariably policed to eliminate any trace of dissent from the almost religious dogma of germanic build quality. Obviously drives a Volkswagen or possibly an Audi, a Skoda or a Seat, may be devoted to some hopelessly shit pedestrian model from the automotive dawn of time like a B3 Passat or a Breadvan which has inexplicably achieved classic status and has been accordingly clobbered with the scene tax stick. 

Modern volkerati love soft return interior handles and red and blue interior lighting. 

*A friend of the family owned about forty years worth of crap unreliable VWs (mainly Golfs and buses) before the penny dropped and she bought a French camper instead. 

Can one of the mods give Warch an Autoshite knighthood of some sort, please?

[warch]

33 minutes ago, Cavcraft said:

Can one of the mods give Warch an Autoshite knighthood of some sort, please?

A shitehood? 

[purplebargeken]

^ briliant

[Talbot]

The power ranger.

Dressed head-to-toe in matching brightly-coloured leathers and helmet, riding a high-power sports bike.  Often a Ducati.  Must keep the engine above 10krpm at all times and is seen either head-down and weaving through traffic, or sat up and stretching legs out as they have lost all feeling below the knee.  Every overtake of a car must be carried out at the worst possible time on the road, and it's essential that they pull back in so close that you can barely get a rizla paper between the front bumper of the car and their rear wheel.

Must ride like a complete and utter tosser at all times.  If challenged will get very agressive and rev the bike to the redline in a demonstration of said agression,  but is actually a 43 year old IT guy called Daryl from Hemel Hempsted with absolutely no upper body strength to speak of.  His car has a "think bike, think biker" sticker on it, despite the fact that he puts himself in colossal danger by riding like a cunt every time he's on the damn bike.

Soon to be a stain on the tarmac.

[GrumpiusMaximus]

34 minutes ago, Talbot said:

The power ranger.

Dressed head-to-toe in matching brightly-coloured leathers and helmet, riding a high-power sports bike.  Often a Ducati.  Must keep the engine above 10krpm at all times and is seen either head-down and weaving through traffic, or sat up and stretching legs out as they have lost all feeling below the knee.  Every overtake of a car must be carried out at the worst possible time on the road, and it's essential that they pull back in so close that you can barely get a rizla paper between the front bumper of the car and their rear wheel.

Must ride like a complete and utter tosser at all times.  If challenged will get very agressive and rev the bike to the redline in a demonstration of said agression,  but is actually a 43 year old IT guy called Daryl from Hemel Hempsted with absolutely no upper body strength to speak of.  His car has a "think bike, think biker" sticker on it, despite the fact that he puts himself in colossal danger by riding like a cunt every time he's on the damn bike.

Soon to be a stain on the tarmac.

Or as we call them, 'Organ Donors'.

[MiniMinorMk3]

3 minutes ago, GrumpiusMaximus said:

Or as we call them, 'Organ Donors'.

Although it does depend how fast they hit what sets off the donations.

This weeks Crash Detectives on the BBC had a sad story of a speeding bike hitting a car with the obvious result.

[Dobloseven]

1 hour ago, MiniMinorMk3 said:

Although it does depend how fast they hit what sets off the donations.

This weeks Crash Detectives on the BBC had a sad story of a speeding bike hitting a car with the obvious result.

I watched that, very interesting, though tragic waste of a life as well. 

[Cavcraft]

Miss/Mrs Shopping Centre at Christmas. Drives a Bini/1 Series/Audi/Mercedes. Road traffic laws don't apply to her. Swerves across 17 lanes of motorway at 80mph as she realises it's her turn off.   Cuts through cones designed to keep traffic flowing. Only thing on her mind is getting a fiver off some knickers with less material than Jim 'wanker' Davidson.  Shoves in front of you on the road and on foot. Got her make up done by a Halford's paint cannon. Lips like two fucking rubber dinghies and poses for pictures with a pout that looks like a cat's arse. Wears glasses with bigger lenses than Jodrell Bank.  Handbag faker than her space hoppers knockers. Private plate is DT22XFY but there's 300 screws and £250's worth of insulation tape so it looks like DEB1 SXY. Illegal tinted windows.  Social media photographs have more filters than a coffee machine factory. Fanny like a hungry hippo.  Takes 14 spaces up.  Back doors smashed in. ATCNBE. 

[Missy Charm]

Wunup Wayne - Invariably middle aged and male

The fact that Wunup Wayne knows nothing about cars does nothing to prevent him proceeding through life in the belief that he is expert in the subject and has a duty to school the rest of us mere mortals in all things automotive.  Wayne watches Formula One racing and has seen every episode of Top Gear, Fifth Gear and that one they have on cable.  He says he buys his car insurance from a broker who he describes as 'a mate of mine'; said broker, Wayne alleges, offers Wayne a fully comprehensive policy with unlikely seeming add-ons such as guaranteed stretch-limousine courtesy car for about half the price of your policy.  Wayne always asks, as a prelude to his insurance broker anecdote, what you pay for your policy.  He won't, however, tell you who the broker is if you decide to take an interest and ask for the name of this prince among policy writers; the broker's identity cannot be divulged on the basis that it would be useless to you - the man only sells insurance to existing clients and friends, you see.  

Wayne has further 'mates' in 'the trade' who, he says, give him the choicest titbits of information regarding what to buy and where.  Those purchases inevitably, in Wayne's stories, are made at MOD or Home Office or emergency service auctions and result in him driving away in almost brand new cars.  The cars are generally ordinary, Mondeos or Vectras or similar, but, according to Wayne, cost about 20p to buy.  He also claims that, because the previous owner of his car was the government or the Met or David Cameron's MI5 trained hairdresser, the car is special and has had modifications made by either Cosworths or 'the boys at VOSA'.  Said modifications cannot really be talked about, but give the family saloon better handling than a sports car and a top speed of 'at least 150 mph'.  They occasionally also result in mysterious 'holes in the dashboard where they took equipment out.  I know how to use it, but it's illegal to own' and deactivated buttons that Wayne is unable to divulge the erstwhile functions of.  He also cannot divulge any pertinent facts - dates, times, firms holding, etc. - regarding the auctions he attends.

One day, for some reason, you'll get to see Wunup Wayne's car, which will be the promised Mondeo/Vectra, and will wonder why it's a completely non-official looking shade of metallic green.  You will also notice that it appears to be completely normal and is a diesel rather than an ST200 or GSI.  You will further see that it has got a sticker saying 'Trustyprice Used Cars' or similar in the back window.  If asked, Wunup Wayne will say either that what you saw was 'the wife's car' or that the Home Office put fake dealer transfers and the like on their Q-cars to make them blend in better.  

[New POD]

1 hour ago, Cavcraft said:

Miss/Mrs Shopping Centre at Christmas. Drives a Bini/1 Series/Audi/Mercedes. Road traffic laws don't apply to her. Swerves across 17 lanes of motorway at 80mph as she realises it's her turn off.   Cuts through cones designed to keep traffic flowing. Only thing on her mind is getting a fiver off some knickers with less material than Jim 'wanker' Davidson.  Shoves in front of you on the road and on foot. Got her make up done by a Halford's paint cannon. Lips like two fucking rubber dinghies and poses for pictures with a pout that looks like a cat's arse. Wears glasses with bigger lenses than Jodrell Bank.  Handbag faker than her space hoppers knockers. Private plate is DT22XFY but there's 300 screws and £250's worth of insulation tape so it looks like DEB1 SXY. Illegal tinted windows.  Social media photographs have more filters than a coffee machine factory. Fanny like a hungry hippo.  Takes 14 spaces up.  Back doors smashed in. ATCNBE. 

You know Jodrell Bank has no actual lenses because its a radio telescope with a big dish? 

[Metal Guru]

9 hours ago, Talbot said:

The power ranger.

Dressed head-to-toe in matching brightly-coloured leathers and helmet, riding a high-power sports bike.  Often a Ducati.  Must keep the engine above 10krpm at all times and is seen either head-down and weaving through traffic, or sat up and stretching legs out as they have lost all feeling below the knee.  Every overtake of a car must be carried out at the worst possible time on the road, and it's essential that they pull back in so close that you can barely get a rizla paper between the front bumper of the car and their rear wheel.

Must ride like a complete and utter tosser at all times.  If challenged will get very agressive and rev the bike to the redline in a demonstration of said agression,  but is actually a 43 year old IT guy called Daryl from Hemel Hempsted with absolutely no upper body strength to speak of.  His car has a "think bike, think biker" sticker on it, despite the fact that he puts himself in colossal danger by riding like a cunt every time he's on the damn bike.

Soon to be a stain on the tarmac.

Excellent although you forgot getting the knee down and leaning right over the centre line when cornering inviting instant decapitation. 

[Crackers]

15 hours ago, New POD said:

You know Jodrell Bank has no actual lenses because its a radio telescope with a big dish? 

You know humour doesn't have to be related directly to factual statements? 🤦

[New POD]

12 minutes ago, Crackers said:

You know humour doesn't have to be related directly to factual statements? 🤦

You didn't spot my pointing out his obvious error was ALL part of the humour? 😉

User name computes. 😄😇🤣

[Crackers]

2 minutes ago, New POD said:

You didn't spot my pointing out his obvious error was ALL part of the humour? 😉

User name computes. 😄😇🤣

Ah yes, comedy*

[Talbot]

1 hour ago, New POD said:

You didn't spot my pointing out his obvious error was ALL part of the humour?

It came over as point scoring.

And was about as funny as a turd in a swimming pool.

[New POD]

1 minute ago, Talbot said:

It came over as point scoring.

And was about as funny as a turd in a swimming pool.

That would actually be very funny.

Don't be offended on @Cavcrafts behalf. Billy sold me all his Pet shop Boys LPs years ago and life hasn't improved for either of us since then. 

 

Anyways up. 

The end of line factory column switch tester. 

This person works at TRW Burnley and spend 8 hours a day at the end of an assembly line where she. (It is always a she),  twiddles and pulls and pushes a column switch, every which way.  testing one full assembly every 2 minutes. She is part of a team of 5, and she passes 30 switches an hour having tested every function. 

At the end of her shift, she will get in her car, and drive home, through the city centre to Padiham, without touching any switch.

Even if it's dark or raining, because she's not being paid, she's not operating another fucking switch until she's back in the factory tomorrow. 

 

[Dobloseven]

49 minutes ago, Talbot said:

It came over as point scoring.

And was about as funny as a turd in a swimming pool.

Many years ago I used to take my kids to a swimming club. One night there was a turd in the pool, and it was hilarious. Think Jaws, only with slightly more panic to get out the water! 

[warch]

1 hour ago, Dobloseven said:

Many years ago I used to take my kids to a swimming club. One night there was a turd in the pool, and it was hilarious. Think Jaws, only with slightly more panic to get out the water! 

One of my first memories is of a special treat for me and my brother when I was 3 or 4 and my brother was 2 or 3. My Mum and Dad both worked so we went to stay with a local farmer's wife during the day, and as it was a nice day she'd got a paddling pool for us to play in. I was a bit slower than my brother to get my trunks on so he was already in the pool when I came out. I almost got in before I realised he had company. It was huge, how he'd managed to contain that beforehand was and is still beyond me

[sheffcortinacentre]

15 hours ago, Metal Guru said:

Excellent although you forgot getting the knee down and leaning right over the centre line when cornering inviting instant decapitation. 

Once had this the Muppets head must've been thousandsth's of a mil from coming off.