What makes you grin? Antidote to grumpy thread

[messerschmitt owner]

Facebook. Great at getting your info but rubbish at letting you use it elsewhere.

 

Ta.

[nacho man]

 

Dad rang me " smokes coming from the stags dash vents"

 

Oh crap only just flogged it him and it's shagged.

 

Shot over and after investigation, it was just a breather hose had come off and a drop of oil had dropped onto the manifold. Quick bit of pipe and a cheap breather filter, and it was back to normal service.

[beko1987]

 

Could buy a lot of chod for the winning bids on these new old Hoovers, some as old as 20 years old!

[drum]

Cars don't like not being used. The diesel audi that I bought for family hols abroad came out of winter hibernation with things not working. The fuel sender is stuck on empty and the oil warning light is coming on. There was plenty oil in it but I gave it an oil change anyway however it still comes on intermittently. Hopefully it's the sensor or whatever. Airbag light was on and both underseat connectors needed attention.

 

As well as play in a suspension control arm, it failed the mot on excessive fluctuation on the brakes. They were fine when I laid it up. Anyway, the grin is that having tried to clean up the discs then resigning myself to buying new ones, the motor factors didn't have any in stock so directed me to the place across the road that skims discs.

 

£18 later

No judder through the pedal anymore so back in for the retest tomorrow.

[Richard]

Facebook. Great at getting your info but rubbish at letting you use it elsewhere.

 

Ta.

 

I agree. I felt a bit dirty posting a Facebook link so I found out how to download the video and put it on Youtube.

 

[richardmorris]

 

Dad rang me " smokes coming from the stags dash vents"

 

Oh crap only just flogged it him and it's shagged.

 

Shot over and after investigation, it was just a breather hose had come off and a drop of oil had dropped onto the manifold. Quick bit of pipe and a cheap breather filter, and it was back to normal service.

 

 

 

What you need is

 

Have you inadvertantly let the smoke out of the wires on your classic British car? This, then, is the solution to your problem!

 

Here is presented for your perusal one Lucas Replacement Wiring Harness Smoke kit, P/N 530433, along with the very rare Churchill Tool 18G548BS adapter tube and metering valve. These kits were supplied surreptitiously to Lucas factory technicians as a trouble-shooting and repair aid for the rectification of chronic electrical problems on a plethora of British cars. The smoke is metered, through the fuse box, into the circuit which has released it's original smoke until the leak is located and repaired. The affected circuit is then rectified and the replacement smoke re-introduced. An advantage over the cheap repro smoke kits currently available is the exceptionally rare Churchill metering valve and fuse box adapter. It enables the intrepid and highly skilled British Car Technician to meter the precise amount of genuine Lucas smoke required by the circuit.

[chaseracer]

Today, as well as pedalling the Blingo to THAT LONDON (cf. Grump thread) to observe the International Percussionist in action with the NYO then hie him homeward, I shall be collecting a set of 14" steelies with decent 175s from my good friend Mr. Brian Damaged.  Should make Frankie the 205 diesel of doom stick a bit.

[mat_the_cat]

Getting this bastard out made me grin!

 

 

I'm doing a cambelt change on the van, and there's 4 bolts holding the vibration damper to the crank - 3 came out but one rounded off. To make matters worse, they're recessed so couldn't grind the head off, and drilling out needed a right angled drill. After trying to drill, with little effect (they're high tensile bolts) I ground down a Torx bit to a taper, and managed to hammer that in!

 

 

[trigger]

Someone over on the buysellcortina forum has found this 14000 mile Cortina 2.0S MkIV and is asking what it's worth is. I find it amazing that this kind of stuff is still out there. The_Doctor would have a field day with the write up on this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Mr_Bo11ox]

That's got to be worth £1m if unmolested. It looks sweet!!!

[fordperv]

Saw a beat up mk3.5 fiesta today driven by an old boy who had a huge grin on his face while he was driving

[Pillock]

That Cortina looks absolutely awesome, great stuff. Well into five figures I reckon, aren't the 2.0S models quite sought-after?

[andy18s]

I'm sure that cortina will have a very white room photoshoot before long......

[alf892]

Grin1 Went to the annual opening of Sywell museum in a mates Willys jeep and spent a pleasant few hours looking a bits of mangled WWII planes and a flyover by a Hurricane.

 

Grin 2 was hurricane then landed and came close up.....what a sound.......then watched it take off on grass

 

Grin 3 got home had a quick kip......woken up by an old work mate coming round in his home built viper engined VW. He took me out for a run up the bypass. What a machine......it just goes. I have never been in anything so effortlessly quick........and I've been in some quick motors. Fantastically built too. Chassis built from scratch and van body widen ended and lengthened before he decided he would rather have a pick up. Amazing detailed engineering......and did I say quick........I looked at speedo after he slowed down (a lot!) and we were doing 95 at under 2000rpm

 

A good day.....

[M'coli]

M'coli and Mrs M'coli in new car shocker: my wife has never had a car that is either a hand-me-down or a desperate purchase after the hand-me-down has been worn-out or written-off. 

 

Today, she picked up this, her new Kia Picanto.  Considering that the last hand-me-down, the buck-shee Pug 106, is now in its 8th year of our ownership, the Kia 7-year warranty was part of the attraction.  That, and the fact that it's comfy and makes her smile have made me grin too.

 

As have the 3 years servicing thrown in free, and that whilst we ordered the steel spare wheel and toolkit - Tuesday morning's puncture in the 205 confirmed just how sensible this is - the dealers accidently ordered an alloy and absorbing the cost of that too.

 

[eddyramrod]

eddyramrod

 

tell them.....

Because it was my birthday, and I had to work, I consoled myself by phoning up the Ken Bruce show to get on Popmaster, which was being looked after by Michael Ball while Ken is on holiday. Well, they accepted me and put me on first. I scored 21, most of it on my Bonus questions. Then the next bloke came on and look, he scored 21 too, we went to a tie-break which got Michael all excited. I lost on the tie-break, no shame there I think! So I get a T-shirt, which was the prize I really wanted anyway. Now bear in mind it's Easter week... it arrived today!

[phil_lihp]

Those Picantos are good little cars, my mate bought one new at the same time I got my C'eed and it's been well used but apart from a recall on the handbrake has been trouble-free.  Comfortable little thing to run around in and they put a lot of kit on the pricier models.

[Gerald]

This 110 is the second it eighteen years to physically arouse me.

 

...... Gmmmmmnnnnnnnppppphhhhhhh.....

 

Sorry, she has beautiful camoflage...

 

 

https://touch.trademe.co.nz/listing/view/719051347

[mattblack]

Seeing a mint looking, giffer piloted V plate maxi in Asda car park.

[retrogeezer]

Because it was my birthday, and I had to work, I consoled myself by phoning up the Ken Bruce show to get on Popmaster, which was being looked after by Michael Ball while Ken is on holiday. Well, they accepted me and put me on first. I scored 21, most of it on my Bonus questions. Then the next bloke came on and look, he scored 21 too, we went to a tie-break which got Michael all excited. I lost on the tie-break, no shame there I think! So I get a T-shirt, which was the prize I really wanted anyway. Now bear in mind it's Easter week... it arrived today!

 

We were listening in the caravan on holiday and I was shouting at the radio 'I know Eddie Rafter' !!!   

[retrogeezer]

p.s - I was also shouting 'Desree'!

[overrun]

Sunderland AFC

 

Twice this week!

[richardmorris]

Here's another helpful tip

[fotorabia]

Early morn here in sunny Edinburgh-Portobello..going for breakfast supplies..seeing a Porsche Boxster with KNOB written in the dew on its rump...sums it up..

[richardmorris]

I'm sure you've all seen these before, but since it's Easter Sunday feel able to resurrect them...

 

The REAL meaning of the Haynes instructions

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?

Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.


Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size).

Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Crikey what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.


Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain spanner or length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.

Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid. Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.

Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model.

HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE spanner: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls in about the time it takes you to say, "F...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wing.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper- and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact spanner that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.

PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

Engineering Terms

* A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
We are still pissing in the wind.


* EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM
We just hired three kids fresh out of college.


* CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
We know who to blame.


* MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
It works OK, but looks very hitech.


* CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED
We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.


* PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch


* TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.


* THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
The only person who understood the thing quit.


* ALL NEW
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.


* RUGGED
Too damn heavy to lift!


* LIGHTWEIGHT
Lighter than RUGGED.


* YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
One finally worked.


* LOW MAINTENANCE
Impossible to fix if broken

[Cavcraft]

Those Kias just look like better and better value for money as time rolls on. They seem quite highly rated too, reckon you've done well getting one of those.

[trigger]

I really want a new shape Kia Cee'd as my next daily.

[trigger]

 

I got this book for my birthday the other day, I have to say it's bloody excellent, wonderfully written by the cars owners and beautifully photographed.

 

My misses only paid £5 for it with postage of eBay, I'd recommend it to anybody.

 

[Timewaster]

Are you in it Trig?

[trigger]

I'm not cool enough sadly.