Sam Glover Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 To dodge charges of using Autoshite exclusively for palming off cars like an imperialist flunky, I’ll begin by flaunting what this Volva’s making space for… It’s a GAZ 31012 – a Volga for ’surveillance and harassment’. It has a 5.5-litre Chaika V8 and such KGB novelties as a fake manual gearstick, a fake clutch pedal (they both operate the brakes) and a lever between the rear seats that opens the boot. To my knowledge, it's the only genuine 31012 in existence (there's a handful of later 31013s – but it's us 31012 owners that get the girls). Now… imperialist flunkyism: I offer you this rarest of curiosities: a Volvo, but without practicality, reliability, Scandinavian good taste or adequate rustproofing. Yes! It’s a 262C. The C stands for one of many words that start with C. It’s been Fritzl’d in my car repository since 2009 and it’s never floated to the creamy head atop the milk-churn of progress. Much as it’s awesome, it’ll probably never happen. It was registered in August 1979, it has a terrible 2849cc PRV engine and it’s done 112k miles. It’s clearly stagnated for quite some time. I’ve never tried to start it. The engine turns over by hand by it has that unmistakable “I’m really not going to make this easy for you, bitch†look to it. It’s good underneath. It’s got dirty P40-filled holes where the rear inner wheelarches meet the spare wheel wells. There’s a small orifice in the front of the driver's side inner wheelarch where it meets the sill. Otherwise, I think it’s structurally rust-free. The body’s shit. The rear wheelarches have very crusty flanges. There are nasty scabs in various places and jagged gashes in the front and rear screen surrounds. The ugliest crevices are in the photos below. The interior’s pretty good. There’s a small tear in the driver’s seat and some rodent-related damage to a few bits of (eminently replaceable) plastic. Otherwise, with a good clean and the application of some lubricant it should make a very pleasing sweaty ruched-and-tufted black leather sex dungeon. It’s near Chippenham. Brap! I’m open to offers and persuasion. I’m aware that it has some value – but I’d like it to go to a pervert and I’m not greedy. Jim Bell, drum, Bren and 24 others 27 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Uncle Jimmy Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 I read that Bertone saw fit not to bother top coating the roofs of these; hence the rot under the vinyl. Was this the one for sale in Gloucester about 18 months ago? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purplebargeken Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 We'll let ya off this time. Just one word............ fuckingwow! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purplebargeken Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 They look like Allegro door handles. Bonnet supplied? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sutty2006 Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 That GAZ is pure masturbatory porn.... Junkman 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skizzer Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 Oof! A 262C is high on my bucket list, to channel my inner pimp/gangster. Not sure I've got the stones for serious welding and resto though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rocket88 Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 As pointless vehicles go, these are probably somewhere near the top of the tree............................I expect an Autoshite bidding war over this................ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
omegod Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 You owe me a new pair of shorts and several bog rolls, that 262C ...just gorgeous Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dollywobbler Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 I like Sam Glover's rare posts. Always amusing! That Volgarod sounds ace. As for the Volvo, surely Richard Gunn should buy it? In fact, I insist that he must. trigger and chaseracer 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barrett Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 Nope, you're not getting me again. GLWS, and please explain the function of a fake manual gear lever? trigger 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr_Bo11ox Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 Yeah I wondered that too!!!! I hop it has a 10-speed double pentagon shift pattern on the gearknob as well Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Glover Posted June 9, 2016 Author Share Posted June 9, 2016 Ahhh... You move the knob with your hand and stuff happens. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Glover Posted June 9, 2016 Author Share Posted June 9, 2016 Ahhh... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dugong Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 The price of this wonderous...thing, please? Also, did you kick my knob van in Cumbria? Partridge 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Felly Magic Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 If Huggy Bear drove a Volvo...Sell it to Hopkins or Fuzzbot Partridge 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Partridge Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 Jesus shitting Christ. I thought those Ovolvs were only found in "The World's Crappiest Cars" type books.If Huggy Bear drove a Volvo...Sell it to Hopkins or FuzzbotJewish Huggy Bear? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brownnova Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 Wow!! I have no more words.... Just, please someone on here (that's not me) buy this so I can live vicariously through your excellently updated resto thread!! Wow.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wuvvum Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 I was getting aroused by this as well until you mentioned its crusty flange. Put me right off that did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Asimo Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 That Volv is right up my street, always coveted these. But I don't do rust....... So good luck and MORE KGB SHITE! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trigger Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 That Gaz is fascinating, so they went to the hassle of fitting a fake gear lever and pedal?! Unbelievable. The Volvo on the other hand is pure 70s gangster, I'm sure there's a restorer out there who will love to take that on for instant profit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlo Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 Now you've got me all intrigued about Volgas and the GAZ. It must be rare, Wikipedia (not that one should trust them specifically) don't even mention a 31012, just the 31011 and 31013, both with 5.5 litre V8s. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Glover Posted June 10, 2016 Author Share Posted June 10, 2016 That deserves an autistic reply. Wikipedia propagates the false dreams of imperialist aggressors. The 31011 was a prototype with the 4.25-litre V8 from a GAZ-53 truck. As far as I know, it never entered series production. The 31012 has a 5.53-litre V8 and auto 'box from a GAZ-13 Chaika. It was the fully-cloaked surveillance-specification car, disguised as a standard Volga 3102 (c/w single exhaust tailpipe and hence the fake clutch pedal and manual gearstick). Total production: 29. The 32013 has a 5.53-litre V8 and auto 'box from a GAZ-14 Chaika. It was the declassified pursuit-specification version, with twin exhaust pipes. Total production 283. All 31012s and 31013s were officially destroyed when they left service. Corruption is a marvellous thing. The Moog, Sigmund Fraud, Skizzer and 12 others 15 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Glover Posted June 10, 2016 Author Share Posted June 10, 2016 I'm sure there's a restorer out there who will love to take that on for instant profit. Well indeed. I'd like it to go to a fetishist who really wants it. If anyone falls into this category – send me a PM. The price is dependent on my level of approval. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skattrd Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 I'd love the 262, but even with Sams potentially variable purchase price I still haven't got the cash Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John F Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 The "Volga" sticker on the boot is intriguing - I can't imagine it's original since it isn't in cyrillic (unless the car was built before 1918 and is actually a "yolda"...). More info on the gear lever brakes, please! (and GLWTS) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dugong Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 So how much is the 262C? And did you kick my knob van in Cumbria? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rml2345 Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 262C is high on the Volvo desirability list but inversely proportional to the funds available. No bloody space either.That Volga on the other hand is fucking superb! You'll need to don a black suit and terrify the locals with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Uncle Jimmy Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 So how much is the 262C?And did you kick my knob van in Cumbria?I'm thinking about a grand to buy, about 5 grand and a stroke to restore. Partridge 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Felly Magic Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 Sam you have the ultimate commie car there, you've outshited yourself again. Good luck selling the Ovlov, it will be to someone with balls though with that grot Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Glover Posted June 11, 2016 Author Share Posted June 11, 2016 I'm thinking about a grand to buy, about 5 grand and a stroke to restore. Yep – that sounds about right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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