Top Tips when viewing a car

[Ohdearme]

 I realise these are buyers guides but should you need to sell a vehicle and prove its motive power, pushing it down a big hill always helps.

(Yes, a billion dollar company actually tried to get away with this… Nothing to see here…)

[Boycie]

Don't see a torn interior as a negative point on a 80/90s car , torn jeans are once again in fashion therefore the giant rip in the driver's bolster is merely a fashion statement .....rip it bigger each time you get in the car ....point it out to truckers as you drive to work ....your kids will think your cool 

[andy18s]

Make sure you get good pics from the seller.

[warch]

Just remembered;

When you phone a private seller say you are calling about the car. When they reply 'which one?' you'll know they're really a dealer trying to shirk their legal responsibilities. 

Just for shits and giggles try the same ruse when actually ringing a dealer, or better still a car supermarket, then refuse to provide any further information. Everyone knows they're all shifty buggers on the make, so it's the least they deserve. 

[HMC]

Say “old out yer’and” when making an offer. All the professionals* do it.

[DavidB]

5 hours ago, warch said:

 

When you phone a private seller say you are calling about the car. When they reply 'which one?' you'll know they're really a dealer trying to shirk their legal responsibilities. 

 

Or me, or anyone on here.

[High Jetter]

27 minutes ago, Nyphur said:

Squeeze yourself into the leather jacket you used to wear 12 years and 4 stone ago before doing so, too.

Pics, or it couldn't happen 😬

[RoverFolkUs]

43 minutes ago, Nyphur said:

Squeeze yourself into the leather jacket you used to wear 12 years and 4 stone ago before doing so, too.

You'd need mismatching shoes and a shit haircut for the pièce de résistance ..!

Smug git

[stuboy]

16 minutes ago, High Jetter said:

Pics, or it couldn't happen 😬

..........

[sierraman]

As soon as you start the engine, Rev the absolute bollocks off it, bounce it off the limiter. If the owner gets all shitty, he obviously has something to hide. 

[Metal Guru]

On 11/09/2022 at 15:15, sdkrc said:

I only get tyres recommended and approved by Harry Redknapp

Well if Harry says so who am I to disagree. Never done anything dodgy has he?

[Metal Guru]

Has anyone mentioned , kick the tyres? Sure sign you’re a pro and know what you’re doing.

More seriously, under no circumstances , especially if it is for her, DO NOT take you wife /girlfriend ( or boyfriend , don’t want to be accused of not being inclusive), along. If they like the car , they just say “yes , I love it, I want it”, right in front of the seller / salesman. Bang goes any bargaining power you had. Four bald tyres? Doesn’t matter , it’s RED! Clutch knackerred? But it has little lights around the speed thingy.

[CreepingJesus]

Set your mate up with a van full of tools and an amber lightbar on the roof, and a set of overalls (I did think nice clean Rolls Royce ones, but utterly manky Cummins/Scania/Fendt ones, or even ATS/Kwik Fit might work), and have him block the drive of the target. Leave the engine running, have him get out, take one look at the target, dry his teeth and declare it fucked/not worth it. Then have a brief argument with him, and insist you'll do the seller a favour in taking it for scrap money. Haul the A frame out of the van, hook up and smoke it out of there...

May not work with a newish McLaren or a very frilly Ka, but anything in between's fair game.

[sierraman]

When you go to the sellers house, talk to the fourth wall as if you are Quentin Wilson, slagging the Car off, the seller won’t realise this and just think you are working for Top Gear. 

Always prepare a speech about the common problems with that particular car and talk loudly and at length about these. 

[HMC]

Take a patient thickness gauge to the viewing, especially if it’s a sub £1000 banger. Spend at least an hour panel by panel. 

[lesapandre]

Bring a folding car inspection trolly - set it up and roll underneath. Then lie completely quiet and still and start counting - if you can reach 100 before the seller cracks you are a pro...

Emerge from under car an give a low whistle and shake your head before offering scrap value.. 

[louiepj]

Print out all the mot history of the car and then when you get there lay out all the paper work/service history they have next to it across the bonnet and stare intently at it for five to ten minutes whilst tutting and sighing.

[JakeT]

Should you wish to purchase a car, make sure the seller writes out a full receipt with as much legal language as possible. This makes you know he’s a well educated chap and really wants to give the best experience selling as possible.Such as:

 

I one John Tiddlywinks, of 52 Swallowbottom Road,

 

Do here declare that I sell my motor vehicle, one Ford Fusion 1.4 Style, marked BJ08 SUX for the sum of £500 of the kings finest currency to a Mr. Anthony Stillwater, Esq. of 21a Stabbing Heights.

 

This motor vehicle is sold as seen, and the buyer has satisfied themselves as to its mechanical, and cosmetic conditions.

 

I consent to its sale at 17:55 on the 12th of June 2020.

[Metal Guru]

Just keep saying “isn’t this the one where the oil splurge valve ( or suitably obscure part) keeps sticking”.  or “Didn’t this one have a recall for weak chassis rotation dampers?” If the seller says “stop talking bollocks”, buy it. If he goes “yes , I’ve replaced all of them”, walk away.

[sierraman]

Bring a trolley jack and full diagnostics equipment. 3-4 hours is a starting point to make a full appraisal of the vehicle. Provide the seller with your written report and issue a valuation based on demerits you may give it for things such as incorrect for year number plates and missing valve caps. 

[Boycie]

Turn up soaked .......with coughing child , proceed to mention how you,ve not had a job since they closed the pit ....then start coughing yourself , after knocking 50% of the price proceed to pay with £50 notes then pull out the latest iPhone to pay for the insurance ......does tend to work better up norf 

[Rustybullethole]

Don’t wear flip flops. They ain’t the best for a proper tyre kicking. 

[Three Speed]

On 14/09/2022 at 17:49, HMC said:

Take a patient thickness gauge to the viewing, especially if it’s a sub £1000 banger. Spend at least an hour panel by panel. 

I like the idea of a patient thickness gauge. I’m picturing a mechanical type of IQ test. If you’re too thick you can take your chest pains somewhere else.

[808 Estate]

If you are paying in cash, a wad of £750 in 10s looks bigger than a wad of £1000 in 50s and may help sway the deal when waved about.

If you are buying the car off a bloke, spending £50 on a cheap hooker with big tits to stand there and flash her cleavage and occaisonally bend over the bonnet may help in haggling for a discount.

[Agila]

29 minutes ago, 808 Estate said:

spending £50 on a cheap hooker with big tits

Be sure to check the air bags and the chassis for suspicious rot.

[Soundwave]

Ensure you get the seller's name and occupation, and ideally the name and occupation of the person the seller bought the car from. When you later come to sell the car, you can then mention the names and occupations of all the previous owners in 20 rambling paragraphs of utterly fucking inane and irrelevant history. This will add at least £2000 to the car's value, possibly up to £3500 if paired up with some plain white background studio photos.
 

[High Jetter]

5 hours ago, 808 Estate said:

spending £50 on a cheap hooker with big tits

Got a number?

[warch]

23 hours ago, Soundwave said:

Ensure you get the seller's name and occupation, and ideally the name and occupation of the person the seller bought the car from. When you later come to sell the car, you can then mention the names and occupations of all the previous owners in 20 rambling paragraphs of utterly fucking inane and irrelevant history. This will add at least £2000 to the car's value, possibly up to £3500 if paired up with some plain white background studio photos.
 

I’ve seen at least one classic car ad that utilised that exact tactic, it was like reading a novel detailing the picaresque exploits of an old Bristol or something. 
 

Nowhere near as good as The Little Red Metro

[HillmanImp]

This guy is quite helpful in explaining how to spot crash damage. 

[Boycie]

But a eBay special fancy dress police uniform , walk around the car pointing out all it's faults then once in the car ask the seller if he can smell weed , tell the seller you can take care of matter if the " paperwork " includes a hefty discount , hum the Sweeney tune as your leaving .....