The grumpy thread

[Pillock]

I think I've said this before but.... women.

Why oh why don't they come with a translator? Or at least an instruction book I could have thrown away - at least I'd know why I didn't know how to operate them then.

 

I can't be arsed with hints, untangling meanings and all that jazz. Bah.

[greengartside]

Nobody knows how those women-type folk work. I have tried and failed many times to understand them but it's pointless.

 

Yet you still can't live without one

[barrett]

Meh, I could live without one. My lady has gone back to Dutchland for a week, which means I can get drunk in the day on my own, listen to experimental free association jazz, chain smoke and fart. Seriously much more fun than sex. Needless to say, she doesn't frequent this forum.

 

What makes me grumpy is all the kids always playing in my street. little bastards. I don't trust them. If I had a printer i'd draw up some signs that say 'A REGISTERED SEX OFFENDER HAS RECENTLY MOVED TO THIS AREA - DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR CHILDREN ARE?' and paste them up on all the lamposts. then maybe I could go to the takeaway without having to sidestep a bunch of unwashed half-humans.

[ashmicro]

 

What makes me grumpy is all the kids always playing in my street. little bastards. I don't trust them. If I had a printer i'd draw up some signs that say 'A REGISTERED SEX OFFENDER HAS RECENTLY MOVED TO THIS AREA - DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR CHILDREN ARE?' and paste them up on all the lamposts. then maybe I could go to the takeaway without having to sidestep a bunch of unwashed half-humans.

Just put your monitor in your front window.

[Cavcraft]

 

 

What makes me grumpy is all the kids always playing in my street. little bastards. I don't trust them. If I had a printer i'd draw up some signs that say 'A REGISTERED SEX OFFENDER HAS RECENTLY MOVED TO THIS AREA - DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR CHILDREN ARE?' and paste them up on all the lamposts. then maybe I could go to the takeaway without having to sidestep a bunch of unwashed half-humans.

Just put your mother-in-law in your front window.

That would have worked for me.

[Guest]

People.

 

Colleague at work is whinging on and on and on about how he wants a car, something, anything, a CAR so he can get about.

 

I show him Billy's Astra FS thread. It's about what he can afford.

I get a message back, and it isn't pleasant. The words 'old' and 'shit' appear frequently.

 

So, reading between the lines:

 

1. You ARE bothered about what the car is.

2. You're clearly going to go to a dealer and get arse raped on some crap finance deal, so stop asking me for help, you fickle little shit. Go and get your pants pulled down on a 1 litre Corsa which you'll be paying off until you're 45.

 

Arrrrgh, people.

[gearoil]

Not grumpy, but sad to hear the passing of Jimmy Reid who for a while at least, managed to save 8500 shipyard workers jobs...

[RedSparrow]

I have just come back from Finland. It is possibly the nicest country on the planet. I actually HATE the UK now - when you see such a nice place that is run so efficiently you seriously have to question why anyone lives in this country any more.

 

Also, someone at work just scrapped a decent 505 estate. If I had known I would have put it on here and I'm sure someone would have had it. Worst thing about it was that it was my dad who failed it on it's MoT so if he had mentioned it I could possibly have saved it.

[M'coli]

Not grumpy, but sad to hear the passing of Jimmy Reid who for a while at least, managed to save 8500 shipyard workers jobs...

Yes, me too. Tam Dalyell wrote a fabulous obituary about him for the Independent. His views on Arthur Scargill were spot-on.

[Station]

A daytime pop music program probably aimed at kids called 'Suck My Pop'. Nice! Thanks TV, for desensitising everything that is rightly taboo.

[RedSparrow]

A daytime pop music program probably aimed at kids called 'Suck My Pop'. Nice! Thanks TV, for desensitising everything that is rightly taboo.

This, along with most of what is on TV and is aimed at 10 year olds, is just one of the things badly wrong with this country.

[Pillock]

Colleague at work is whinging on and on and on about how he wants a car, something, anything, a CAR so he can get about.

 

Don't get involved. Deny knowing anything about cars, never ever offer advice. I get this all the time..

 

"Hey, Pillock, I need a new car.... do you know of anything?"

"How much you got?"

"Ooooh, not much. I need something cheap"

"Well, I know of an Escort for sale. Bit of tax and test, it'll do the job"

"An ESCORT? WTF?? They don't even make those any more!!!"

"*sigh* OK.... A Corsa? Turbodiesel. Dirt cheap, quite good to drive"

"Will it have insert name of electronic luxury item here"

"No. It's three hundred quid for a working, legal car."

"Oh, no, I can't do without that."

"A Cavalier?"

"Old man's car."

 

Punch them and let them get botty-violated by a finance company.

[wuvvum]

I get this all the time..

 

"Hey, Pillock, I need a new car.... do you know of anything?"

"How much you got?"

"Ooooh, not much. I need something cheap"

"Well, I know of an Escort for sale. Bit of tax and test, it'll do the job"

"An ESCORT? WTF?? They don't even make those any more!!!"

"*sigh* OK.... A Corsa? Turbodiesel. Dirt cheap, quite good to drive"

"Will it have insert name of electronic luxury item here"

"No. It's three hundred quid for a working, legal car."

"Oh, no, I can't do without that."

"A Cavalier?"

"Old man's car."

 

Punch them and let them get botty-violated by a finance company.

If someone came to me for advice and opened with "Hey Pillock", they would get punched before they had a chance to tell me what electronic item they couldn't do without.

[Pillock]

You'd be surprised how that's spread into "real life".....

[Guest]

I was meant to be looking for a car for the friend of some really tidy young bird, but in the end I decided to make no effort whatsoever - if anything goes wrong, it's your fault. Finding cars for other people is just not worth the hassle, it's also unlikely to lead to them offering their delicate doll-like bodies to you as some kind of nominal payment for being fairly good at selecting decent used cars. Forget it!

[garethj]

I was meant to be looking for a car for the friend of some really tidy young bird, but in the end I decided to make no effort whatsoever

Are you crazy?!

it's also unlikely to lead to them offering their delicate doll-like bodies to you as some kind of nominal payment for being fairly good at selecting decent used cars. Forget it!

I'd have thought a shag when the deal is completed, then a BJ for every week it doesn't break down is fair.

 

Agree the terms in advance, like. You don't want to appear some kind of letch.

[ashmicro]

I think it comes down to the person, TBH. As others have said, "Can you track down a car for " should always ring alarm bells. If, on the other hand it's someone you know well, and who is sensible generally, they'll not hold you to ransom as it were. Irrespective of the person concerned, however, I always say "Mind you, any car can go spectacularly wrong, you just never know", citing the case of my fortnight-old Merc which went on fire in biblical fashion on the M5.

[Mr_Bo11ox]

I was meant to be looking for a car for the friend of some really tidy young bird, but in the end I decided to make no effort whatsoever - if anything goes wrong, it's your fault. Finding cars for other people is just not worth the hassle, it's also unlikely to lead to them offering their delicate doll-like bodies to you as some kind of nominal payment for being fairly good at selecting decent used cars. Forget it!

I'm afraid I am in 100% solid agreement with this, it is a well-known fact that anyone who 'finds a car' for another person is contractually obliged to maintain and repair it at their own expense for as long as the person owns it.

[RedSparrow]

Agreed.

As soon as people hear my dad runs a garage I get a barage of 'can he do me a deal on...' and 'can he find me a cheap...', all of which is pretty insulting really - he is trying to run a business.

When he has found cars for people I know and something goes wrong it suddenly becomes my problem to sort it out as a kind of middle man.

Avoid at all costs. I'm afraid that doing someone a favourr often ends up being a royal pain in the arse.

[Torsten2001]

I've just done that again with a cheap Audi 100 to a mate, every bloody week I get at least two stupid calls.

I am a twat though and I will do it again!

[dollywobbler]

It is amazingly annoying. I've made the mistake several times of getting involved. You know, girl in the office wants something small, cheap and reliable. You suggest a Skoda Fabia, she goes 'uuuugh! I'd never own a Skoda!' and then she buys a Fiat Bravo or something.

[garethj]

I've just done that again with a cheap Audi 100 to a mate, every bloody week I get at least two stupid calls.

I am a twat though and I will do it again!

Cool, can you find me a Bentley Mulsanne Turbo? Needs to have a full service history, 12 months ticket and cost less than a grand. Naturally I'd be expecting you to come up with the difference if it's more than £1000

[cobblers]

I get almost the opposite - I'm mates with a bloke who turns out VW t4 campers, we usually take a few to vanfest/dubfreeze/BVF every year, and another mate who used to fit bongos out.

 

My grandad has a backstreet tat garage (selling the ropeyest shite ever - He will at one time have the VERY WORST examples available of Mk4 astars/rover 200s/mondeos). He came round for dinner, and I was talking to him about how there's a bit of cash to be made on a well turned out camper conversion.

 

Two weeks later he turns up with a shitty old CF and and an early sherpa. Both absolute shitboxes, both already converted (big ones with ally cladding on the back like a caravan) The interior on both of them smelled like piss, and they were both absolutely rotten. One had the dashboard carpeted in what I can only assume was the carpet ripped out of a Beefeater restaurant in the early 90s. Frayed cutouts around the speedo and the DIY glovebox hole, with a random speaker that looks like it was robbed from a ferguson woodgrain telly screwed in the middle. It's not connected to anything.

 

He sets the two pikey lads he's got working cash in hand for him towards "restoring" them, which basically consisted of them gobbing the arches up with filler (BADLY) and then trying to fill the big dints in the corrugated aluminium sides, again with filler. again, terribly. They resprayed them with some commercial white, and by the looks of things both masked it up, prepped it and painted it at night time, in a sandstorm. He cleaned the interiors up a bit, and got one of the lads to make a unit in one out of some chipboard he found in the back of the unit when they moved in. Both vans were an absolute state, he gave about £300 for the pair and put them up for about £2500 each. For vans that are full of gob, barely even fucking run and I'll eat my hat if the bloke who's name is on the MOT certificates has even been within a mile of either van.

 

This was 8 months ago, and he's not sold either and moans at me for the "bad advice" I gave him and that he's stuck with these two vans. I said if you get a decent T4 van, put a really nice interior in and tidy the van up you can make about a grand, but it's for 3+ weeks of work and you really need to know people in the trade to keep your costs down for a lot of the stuff, and you need to sell it in the right place.

He's got these vans parked up in his yard (which looks like Onslow's garden) and advertised in the for sale section of the local free paper.

 

I despair.

[Mr_Bo11ox]

He sounds like a bit of a legend, get him on here!!!

[Lankytim]

A guy at work asked me to look at a MK2 Golf GTi 5 door for his son as he's "heard im good with cars". Ive tried to explain that even if I think it looks OK theres still plenty that can go wrong with a car. Fortunately we couldnt arrange a suitable time to view it so hes bought it without my "engineers" inspection. Thank God.

[whitevanman]

Ditto what Herr_Bol said

[cobblers]

Haha, he doesn't do "internet". His closest association with it is getting one of the pikeys to advertise the sheds on gumtree posing as a private seller

 

He's winding down the car sales game now (after realising, for the 25th time that he doesn't make that much money at it)

 

A year ago I'd have started the Grampa Cobblers Shite blog as it was amazing watching the crap he used to punt through.

 

When the compressor for the handbrake on his truck broke, he tasked me with finding another. It was some old merc, and a rebuilt one would be about £500. He said sod that, and had me lash two Aldi tyre inflators on so it would move then sold it. The reason the old compressor had packed in was because there was a bit of a leak, and it used to have to fill the tanks from empty every morning and then clicked back in all the time. It took about 20 minutes til they filled the tank enough to click off, with both the poor little £5 tyre inflators left blazing hot and stinking of hot cheap electronics.

 

He sold it, and the bloke got 4 miles before the compressors both melted into a ball of failed plasticy shite and the brakes locked back on. The bloke he sold it to was even more of a "geezer" so, he did something that he very very rarely does and gave him his money back. Then phoned me up again asking if I'd put another compressor on it - I convinced him to splurge a bit more, but the best I got him to do was £75 on a 2nd hand compressor off the air suspension on the back of an old renault traffic ambulance.

 

I told him it would also burn out in no time at all cos there was a fitting somewhere pissing out, but he wouldn't have it.

 

Van got 10 miles this time but the bloke he sold it to wasn't quite as burly as the last so it became "his problem".

[Station]

I'dlove to see a photo of those shitecampers.

[Mr Lobster]

I have resisted posting this rant before as it has been a constant pain for the quite some time.

 

Selling houses.

 

Some time ago Mrs_L and I put the house up for sale. Got an offer close enough to the asking price so based on the fact that 'the buyer has her mortgage sorted and has a large deposit' we took the view that we would accept.

 

Buyer rings and asks if she can have another look round. At the time I asked her how quick she wanted to move, 'very' she tells me. So with that in mind, Mrs_L and I set off looking at houses.

 

And we found one. The sort of house that is the OMG I REALLY WANT THAT house. Rural, gardens, nice garage plus it seemed pretty cheap. Made an offer, got it accepted so on we went with getting the legal shit done.

 

This was in February. February for fucks sake.

 

Every week since then our 'buyer' has had some problem or other. Her financial advisor needed more paperwork, then there was a problem with her husbands passport (not a UK citizen apparently), then with something else. Then she dumps the financial advisor and approaches another lender. No problem apparently, everything will be sorted apparently. But then there is a problem. An old, unpaid bill on her credit file. But its ok, shes paid it off and it'll be sorted in a week or two. Week or two passes and still no news. Estate agent says market on its arse so stick with her as houses aren't really selling. No problem because at that point the people in the house we are buying are ok to wait.

 

But she is still waiting for her lender to ring back. She chases them. Our agent chases them. The solicitor chases them. All they can say is that her application is in process and awaiting a decision. I repeatedly voice my concern / disgust / fuckedoffness to everyone concerned as 6 MONTHS has now passed and my mortgage offer is going to expire very soon and she needs to get her finger out and sort buying my house.

 

Nothing happens.

 

House we REALLY wanted goes back on market. Our lender say we can't extend our mortgage offer and would have to apply again. So we do. Except because we have a 'dependant' now and they have changed lending criteria they will lend us £12k less. Thanks for that. Oh, and we'd have to have another survey / valuation and pay arrangement fees again. Thanks once again for that. If you think I'm handing over another £500 based on the fact that my buyer 'might' sort out buying my house then you can think again.

 

So, having no news from our 'buyer' and rapidly running out of time we pull out. To say I am pissed off is a massive understatement. I am also over a grand out of pocket. And think its probably worth changing our estate agent but fuck that, it'll keep 'til after Christmas now as I can't face the prospect of more people coming to look around at the moment.

[dollywobbler]

That is shitty. And to think, we usually whinge about selling cars! Hope it does all get sorted out.