The grumpy thread

[Pillock]

A speech needn't be more than a few words of thanks, tell everyone how lovely the bride looks, raise a glass. Start with that and like CR says just pit a few observations on cards if you want. Don't rip it off Google, it'll be obvious. I reckon ten seconds from the heart beats a stolen internet joke.

 

Of course, if you do know any tales about the groom, some duct tape, a goat and three bottles of vodka then this is your opportunity.

[chaseracer]

...if you do know any tales about the groom, some duct tape, a goat and three bottles of vodka...

 

SHIT.  

 

Exactly what have you heard about my stag night...?

 

[jakebullet]

Trip to post office didn't go super well. It's a narrow one way street. Got almost there and car in front of me has obviously dropped dead going by frantic cranking. Lad gets out of it to push, but didn't factor in uphill means he's the one getting pushed. I jumped out and fortunately a passing postman put himself in the way as well before it rolled into my car, but didn't do my already fucked knee any good

 

Things didn't get any better in the post office.

Hi, is this where I hand over my click & drop parcels?

What's that then?

I'd anticipated this, and taken a printout of the website where it says hand over your mail at any post office. She goes in back, pretends to phone somebody then says it's not us, take it to sorting office next door. Sorting office says What's that then? n not us. Sorting office manager comes, n has never heard of it. Chucks my mail in with the rest of it, n promises will find out for tomorrow what's going on.

[purplebargeken]

Threaten to fail the dozy twat on his placement if he opens his gob.

[Richard]

SHIT.  

 

Exactly what have you heard about SF15...?

 

EFA

[Lord Sterling]

One rule only for a brilliant speech - keep it short, no one wants to hear it, no one will quote it as a changing point in their life, it's just the bit that stands between them and their Luke warm over expensive shite meal. Smile and get it over with quick.

Agreed. I had to do a 'best man' speech some years ago, I don't mind speaking in public/in front of people. I think it's all the expecting eyes looking at you as you prepare to do your bit that scares off most people.

 

I kept my speech short and sweet by breaking up into 3 important parts; 1) be truthful, you've never done this gig before so a line about that might ease any expectations. 2) a couple of words about the couple, how long you've known them etc.. 3) congratulate the couple and ask the audience to join you in raising a glass for the couple followed with a round if applause.

[Richard]

At his brother's reception in the Methilhill Ex Servicemen's Club my wife's cousin opened his speech with 'There's more than one way to have your wedding reception in the club'.

[Cavcraft]

I think I was worse doing the speech at my own wedding than being my brother's best man. Short, sweet and jokey seems best format I think.

 

My brother-in-law's best man did a speech that was embarrassing. People were cringing it was so bad, just a load of weird 'in house' waffle about my sister's husband that nobody could connect to.

[Wilko220]

Don't forget the power of adrenaline too. I had to make a best man's speech a few years ago (plus my own groom's speech around the same time). I was dreading both but they went well because, even if practising it goes badly, something just kicks on the night. Also, as said, everyone there wants to enjoy it and is on your side.

 

As for cheesy jokes - don't be afraid to throw in a few. Everyone's expecting them and wants to hear them. As has already been said, just don't be that guy who cracks loads of sex gags in front of the nonagenarian grandparents...

[purplebargeken]

Elderly friend/neighbour lashed out on a new Note, it turned up 2 days ago and pulls to one side when driving! She phones the dealer.... oh we just check the car over, oil, etc, we don't drive it. Bring it in next week. So why has the car got 5 miles on the clock when she picked it up. Twats.

[purplebargeken]

God I am bored. Tired and bored, not a great combination. It is also raining. Arsebiscuits.

[mercrocker]

^^^So when can we see the collection thread?

[purplebargeken]

Not THAT bored lol.

[Lord Sterling]

Elderly friend/neighbour lashed out on a new Note, it turned up 2 days ago and pulls to one side when driving! She phones the dealer.... oh we just check the car over, oil, etc, we don't drive it. Bring it in next week. So why has the car got 5 miles on the clock when she picked it up. Twats.

To be fair a lot of brand new vehicles usually have minor mileage on them usually as they are being loaded/unloaded and being driven within storage places to park up. I know a lot of the PDI'd Fords I pick up usually have around 5 to 14 miles on the clock. Seemingly your friends car was either badly built/had a bump in the wheel area or was not inspected properly at PDI. A poor show by the dealer and PDI place nonetheless, hope it gets sorted.

[Cavcraft]

Just had to say goodbye to our ten year old cat. Vet said it was the best thing, and it was. You just sometimes forget how horrible and heart breaking it is when it happens. We're just distraught to be honest.

[gm]

Very sad news about your cat, poor little feller.

[purplebargeken]

Sorry to hear that Billy, the little furry gits do work their way into our hearts, home, bed, random boxes and (sometimes wallets). However, it is all worth it when they snuggle up to you and start purring away. You did the right thing for kitty, sad but right. RIP fuzzball.

[OwdChina]

I'm the best man at my mates wedding in less than two weeks and I'm currently trying to write my best man speech, I'm not the greatest at writing at the best of times but I'm really struggling with this, even after copying most of the other speeches on line I'm finding it hard to add any individuality to the speech regarding my mate.

 

I'm dreading this as I'm not exactly the most confederate of speakers in front of a crowd either with my speech impediment! 

And never forget that the mischievious individuals attending the reception WILL be running a bet on how long the best mans speech takes. The secret is to identify those individuals beforehand and periodically glance over making eye contact, then a quick look at your watch and then glance back, some of the resulting heckling is hilarious because they know that your on to them, it lightens the task a lot.

[Sealtainn]

My lovely shiny NOS wheeltrims arrived for the Puglet and I excitedly went outside to fit them only to find they are 15 inch - bugger

Still at least they'll fit my post van

[Sheefag]

I'm the best man at my mates wedding in less than two weeks and I'm currently trying to write my best man speech, I'm not the greatest at writing at the best of times but I'm really struggling with this, even after copying most of the other speeches on line I'm finding it hard to add any individuality to the speech regarding my mate.

 

I'm dreading this as I'm not exactly the most confederate of speakers in front of a crowd either with my speech impediment! 

 

Ring me and put me on speaker, I'll fucking talk to the cunts for you.

 

[MarvinsMom]

^ "is Dave there?"

 

"are you Dave?"

 

"of course Dave, you can come with us, you're MY WIFE NOW....."

[chaseracer]

Trig, bang it on Youtube.  Then you can be in the bar while "you" deliver the speech on-screen.

 

Dunno why we didn't think of this before...

[Pillock]

Some massive great big fanny managed to close the motorway for TWENTY EIGHT HOURS Sunday to Monday. Was it an attempted suicide? No, I would have respected that, even if it's a bit selfish that's kind of beyond rational behaviour.

 

No, this weapons grade twat has a problem with the police, something about a wrongful arrest years ago, so climbs up onto a matrix sign as a protest and closes the whole thing. On a Monday morning, and when 100,000 people are trying to get home from Donington.

 

Start a fucking petition. Email an MP. Don't be a cunt with a banner that nobody will read because as soon as you got up there, they closed the road. Prick. Should have got the police marksman with a tranquilliser dart.

[chaseracer]

Kecks still not dry, Chris...? 

[Sloth in a bowl]

 

Ban Americans from America.

 

 

Lets be honest here, until the bloody immigrants turned up from Europe, then America had zero gun crime.

Mainly because the native Indians hadn't discovered gun powder.

[Pillock]

Kecks still not dry, Chris...? 

 

Kecks were fine, had a poncho! And knew the back way home. 

[maxpower]

WINDOWS 10...If i want updates i will upload them. it doesn't mean for you to render my laptop completely useless..until i agree to restart computer so you can FORCE upgrades on me! GRRRRR... then after a 10 minute wait have more fkin pop ups saying there are more updates?????

[saucedoctor]

Have a look at this. I used it to hide an update that fucks up my graphics card.

 

http://www.majorgeeks.com/files/details/windows_update_minitool.html

[sporty-shite]

Threaten to fail the dozy twat on his placement if he opens his gob.

Harsh. But probably fair.

[fordperv]

Have just got in from being at the hospital, I got a phone call this morning when I was at work to let me know mrs fp's nan was seriously ill and to get to the hospital to see her as they don't know how long she has left but it won't be too long, we got there first thing and she was incoherent appearing to recognise people but then going again, she is still fighting there are people up there with her so she's not alone and she is comfortable, so I've come away until the morning, this fantastic woman has been part of my life for nearly 14 years she may as well be my own nan.