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Autoshite credentials questions - a bit of fun...


Dick Longbridge

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7 hours ago, New POD said:

Have you ever been asked politely by HR to not do hand brake turns in the empty gravel car park when you are the first to arrive, (in your metro turbo), because someone from the International Automotive HQ building, on the other  side of the site, has made a complaint.  

Us Halfords lot had a similar complaint when DFS took over the formally empty unit next door. Previous lot opened an hour later so MK2 Escorts and Sierras having a bit of fun before work had gone unnoticed 

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7 hours ago, New POD said:

Have you ever been asked politely by HR to not do hand brake turns in the empty gravel car park when you are the first to arrive, (in your metro turbo), because someone from the International Automotive HQ building, on the other  side of the site, has made a complaint.  

That person, was probably overtaken on an unclassified country road leading to the green field site, and doesn't like enthusiasm when it comes to driving, which is ironic given that they work for a multinational automotive systems supplier.  Hence the report of hand brake turns. 

According to HR, you are lucky as there is more than one white metro, and they didn't get the reg number, and our MD hates them lot in that building. 

That reminds me, in a roundabout way of a scenario from when I was in my late teens.

I had a summer job as a kitchen skivvy in Mevagissey - an old Cornish fishing harbour. To reach the car park, you had to drive along the narrow harbour edge at a snails pace, dodging stroppy looking tourists. As a long-haired, DM wearing teenager, my patience threshold was fairly limited, and I'd alway put my foot down as I finally entered the car park, aiming at the large puddles whenever feasible. I drove a mk1 Volkswagen Jetta - 2 door RHD and knowing what I know now, the only one in the country. That's another story though.

To this day, I don't remember seeing any customers within splashing distance of the dirty great puddles, but my boss was quick to haul me up one morning with, 'Stop driving like a dickhead into the car park and splashing the bloody customers'. 

I remember having to work hard to hide my amusement at the situation. 

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7 hours ago, New POD said:

Have you ever been asked politely by HR to not do hand brake turns in the empty gravel car park when you are the first to arrive, (in your metro turbo), because someone from the International Automotive HQ building, on the other  side of the site, has made a complaint.  

That person, was probably overtaken on an unclassified country road leading to the green field site, and doesn't like enthusiasm when it comes to driving, which is ironic given that they work for a multinational automotive systems supplier.  Hence the report of hand brake turns. 

According to HR, you are lucky as there is more than one white metro, and they didn't get the reg number, and our MD hates them lot in that building. 

In my experience, handbrake turns are best done under cover of darkness when you’re the first to arrive in the icy car park of your Masonic hall.  In a Saab 9-3 wagon. So I’ve been told by a friend*.......

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12 hours ago, juular said:

Have you ever pissed in the coolant header tank to get you home when it started leaking?

Have you ever glued suspension bushes back together rather than replacing them?

Have you ever deliberately made the windscreen so dirty inside and out so the MOT tester couldn't see the damage?

Have you ever taken tools with you to the MOT test and made adjustments to the car as the tester went around it, including taking the wiper arm off with a 13mm spanner and repositioning it 4 inches higher so that the big crack across the bottom of the screen on the Cortina you paid £50 for was not in the swept area so therefore was now a pass?

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12 hours ago, rusty_vw_man said:

Or, when on holiday have you ever tried using a cut potato smeared over the windscreen in the pissing rain in an Asda car park as the wipers have failed (again).....

I did once stop at the nearest restaurant (Frankie & Bennys) and asked whether I could purchase a single potato, for the very same reason. To be fair, they didn't charge us extra! (But I wonder what the waitress told people afterwards...)

20170820_180850.thumb.jpg.a4bf56e712329eb2b40076c69b025c61.jpg

Have you ever been asked "So, how many cars *do* you own?", and then had to mentally add them up?

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Has each member of your fleet got an 'idiosyncracy', i.e something you CBA sorting out ? The majority of such 'idiosyncracies' can be erased by 'turning the radio up', I believe.

Except the bloody interior door handle on a Rover 620 which requires the owner to remember to glide the driver's side window down when parking, and calmly and unobtrusively open the door from the exterior handle. And then forget to wind the window back up and have to fuck about with turning the ignition key back to ACC to sort out the issue. Nope ? Me neither.

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3 minutes ago, clayts450 said:

Has each member of your fleet got an 'idiosyncracy', i.e something you CBA sorting out ? The majority of such 'idiosyncracies' can be erased by 'turning the radio up', I believe.

Volvo c70 - auto gear selector bulb randomly dies leaving you stuck half way through a manoeuvre trying to find D in the dark.

Trafic - gearbox whines like mental and I'm constantly waiting for it to explode.

Accord - clutch constantly slips

Ask me again next year to hear the same reply.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Have you ever had to let your car down off the jack so you can shut the driver's door?

That was my Seat Marbella and the first sign that it had slightly more rot issues than I'd anticipated.  Resulted in my favourite interaction with my long-suffering mechanic  when it went in for MOT - a text from him a few hours later simply saying "don't think so mate".

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12 hours ago, clayts450 said:

Has each member of your fleet got an 'idiosyncracy', i.e something you CBA sorting out ? The majority of such 'idiosyncracies' can be erased by 'turning the radio up', I believe.

And/or does anyone else who borrows it need a briefing "Yeah, sometimes it'll not lock from the drivers side, but if you do it from the passenger side it'll be fine. Except when it's really cold, when the central locking won't work, but will spring into life after a few seconds"

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On 11/30/2020 at 4:44 AM, taranaki said:

Have you ever been overtaken by one of your own rear wheels [Austin  countryman]?

Yes, about 7am on my way to work in the summer of 1982, in my 1967 Hillman Minx (Arrow) 1725 auto.  That was........... exciting!

I just realised, the last of my Arrow cars was only a couple of years later, which means it's now over 35 years since I last had one!  Bloody hell.........

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1 hour ago, phil_lihp said:

Have you ever had to let your car down off the jack so you can shut the driver's door?

That was my Seat Marbella and the first sign that it had slightly more rot issues than I'd anticipated.  Resulted in my favourite interaction with my long-suffering mechanic  when it went in for MOT - a text from him a few hours later simply saying "don't think so mate".

I knew it was time to let my last Tdi Disco go when you couldn’t close the back door when it was parked on a kerb...

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13 hours ago, clayts450 said:

Has each member of your fleet got an 'idiosyncracy', i.e something you CBA sorting out ? The majority of such 'idiosyncracies' can be erased by 'turning the radio up', I believe.

Except the bloody interior door handle on a Rover 620 which requires the owner to remember to glide the driver's side window down when parking, and calmly and unobtrusively open the door from the exterior handle. And then forget to wind the window back up and have to fuck about with turning the ignition key back to ACC to sort out the issue. Nope ? Me neither.

Relying on being able to open the windows on a Rover 600 is really living dangerously!

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Have you ever bought a car with an auto gearbox which FTP'd shortly afterwards, had a think about it, discovered that it still worked in reverse, then waited until all was quiet and dark and driven it home in reverse?   An old mate did this.  The car was a Fiat 130 saloon (Autoshite cred. in itself) and I was on my way out to tow him in,  when I saw the tail lights in the distance, gradually getting larger as this big barge of a car loomed out of the darkness and wafted on past me backwards.... 

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18 hours ago, bunglebus said:

Us Halfords lot had a similar complaint when DFS took over the formally empty unit next door. Previous lot opened an hour later so MK2 Escorts and Sierras having a bit of fun before work had gone unnoticed 

The cctv operator at the National Motorcycle Museum actually called the Police  because he was so impressed at the donuts I was doing in the snow in my Montego Diesel whilst waiting to meet someone buying a Rover Vitesse off me .

The Old Bill turned up at the same time as the prospective buyer- he still bought the Rover. The Copper who was in a Maestro TD was surprised but declined my offer to teach him how to do it.  The museum was shut.

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3 minutes ago, Mr Pastry said:

Have you ever bought a car with an auto gearbox which FTP'd shortly afterwards, had a think about it, discovered that it still worked in reverse, then waited until all was quiet and dark and driven it home in reverse?   An old mate did this.  The car was a Fiat 130 saloon (Autoshite cred. in itself) and I was on my way out to tow him in,  when I saw the tail lights in the distance, gradually getting larger as this big barge of a car loomed out of the darkness and wafted on past me backwards.... 

Yes, although it broke when I was driving it in Central London. Reversed from Park Lane to Putney Hill in rush hour, so not that difficult. The car was an almost new A reg 735i SE.

A couple of years later I lent another companies 528i SE to my brother to drive home from my house after I’d had a drink. Next morning he called me to say he’d had to reverse home the last couple of miles,  That was an A plate too.

Putting 4 speeds out of XJ40’s was popular for 130 Coupes a few years ago, did your mate fix his?

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16 minutes ago, NorfolkNWeigh said:

Putting 4 speeds out of XJ40’s was popular for 130 Coupes a few years ago, did your mate fix his?

This was pre XJ40, and nothing so sensible would have occurred to him.   We knew somebody who knew somebody at Fiat UK who found us a serviceable secondhand box,  which was a rare thing even then.   Quite nice cars in fact.   My mate had a collection of shonky Fiats, Alfas and Lancias parked up and down the very smart street where he lived in South London, and he had about one good battery between them, so he eventually lost interest in the 130 and it sort of disappeared.    Last time I saw him he was living in a council flat with no heating or furniture.  But he had a Porsche outside.

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15 hours ago, clayts450 said:

Has each member of your fleet got an 'idiosyncracy', i.e something you CBA sorting out ? The majority of such 'idiosyncracies' can be erased by 'turning the radio up', I believe.

Except the bloody interior door handle on a Rover 620 which requires the owner to remember to glide the driver's side window down when parking, and calmly and unobtrusively open the door from the exterior handle. And then forget to wind the window back up and have to fuck about with turning the ignition key back to ACC to sort out the issue. Nope ? Me neither.

When I had my 620 the accepted method of egress was to drop the o/s r window and reach around to the driver's door handle, since the drivers window was wedged in place. Obviously this only works if your arms are long enough, which never occurred to me until I lent someone short the car, then got a sarcastic text later to say how easy it was to get out of. Also it simply didn't matter what time of day or night it was, there was always someone watching while I did this. Fucking always.. 

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Countless tales of local essential bodgery maintenance which is the norm when younger and more fiscally challenged but the furthest afield emergency repairs all seemed to happen in June 2009 when we did a Trackday at the F1 circuit in Spa-Francochamps.

This year there were about 9 of us in our group but the only two I caught on camera were both 3dr Sierra Cosworths, this was in the days of them being cheap and cheerful track cars, not the million dollar museum pieces they are nowdays.

First disaster was Ben, guy I've know years, gets towed back to the pits (we were in the underground car park area underneath the new F1 paddock) with the Sierra fuel tank in the boot. The tank had detached itself from the car through the fast left hander Blanchemont corner and was being dragged along by the fuel hoses at over 100mph. The sparks off the tank were impressive apparently and it had just been filled with Shell Optimax!!! How it never went up is beyond me.

We repaired the sender wires, and rehung the tank with two ratchet straps - the original tank straps had rotted through... Car did another full day on track and drove home fine.

001(2).PNG

 

Second and slight worse disaster was another 3dr Sierra Cosworth that managed three whole laps (on a two day trackday) before detonating a piston to bits. We initially thought it was the Head Gasket so pulled the head off but it wasn't pretty inside..

001(1).PNG

Faced with no European breakdown cover and no desire to  tow him home we had to think on our feet. As the piston was damaged it was ripping the bore to bits so we decided to drop the sump, remove the rod bolts and take the piston and rod out totally. The injector was unplugged for that cylinder and the oil spray jet bent downwards. Spark plug was left in the head but the lead removed. It ran then as a rather unwell three cylinder. The wastegate pressure was backed right off so it made no boost and it drove back to the uk like that. It was comical watching him go through customs at the tunnel with this old sierra chugging away.. 

Got it back to the Midlands though, kept the speed down to 60mph all the way

Numerous other things went wrong that weekend but the fun we had was great. The trackdays then were generally attended by some right champagne Charlies in Ferraris, Porsches etc, and to have a group of guys with old but fast cars (when working) was a laugh

 

 

 

 

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17 hours ago, clayts450 said:

Has each member of your fleet got an 'idiosyncracy', i.e something you CBA sorting out ? The majority of such 'idiosyncracies' can be erased by 'turning the radio up', I believe.

Except the bloody interior door handle on a Rover 620 which requires the owner to remember to glide the driver's side window down when parking, and calmly and unobtrusively open the door from the exterior handle. And then forget to wind the window back up and have to fuck about with turning the ignition key back to ACC to sort out the issue. Nope ? Me neither.

You are doing well to get the window down and back up again on a rover 620 ( an ex rover 620 owner)

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