Potential purchases: Negative signposts from adverts/environments/vendors.

[sierraman]

I painted the brake drums on the silver Rover. With the 17" alloys on, the brake drums were clearly visible, and as they were rusty as f*ck when I bought the car I thought a lick of paint would improve matters.

 

Although maybe* I'm just a wally.

At least you didn’t paint the fuckers bright red.

[iainrcz]

"Mint" despite the honking interior and scuffed wheels.

"Genuine mileage"  It hasn't had a haircut then, well I suppose that's a good start.

[mercrocker]

Child seat encrusted with, well anything really.

 

Dog hair

 

Photos elsewhere in other listings of other cars in the same anodyne location 

 

"Bought for my wife but she didn't get on with it"   (aka "She nearly killed me for buying a fucked car" ) 

 

More than one Transit van visible in any of the listed photos.   

 

Empty bottles of any seldom-required fluid laying around or in the boot.  Or a long streak of slush puppy coloured piss running down the road camber.  I actually saw an X300 like this today with a hand-written For Sale sign.   And that's another run-a-mile - handwriting like a ransom note.

 

Plus some that are peculiar to Mercedes Benzes -

 

Missing star (you cannot fucking drive them like that)

 

....."nothing for one of these"   written after some inter-stellar mileage 

 

"This will only go up in value" 

 

Any, and I mean ANY fucking steering wheel not screwed on in Sindelfingen (which incidentally rules anything out not built there, except for W123 estates) 

 

Unnecessary and usually untrue references to build quality esp. words like Tank, Vault, Legendary. 

[Justin Case]

Not  advertised on Autoshite.

[lesapandre]

Mint or rust free or other rubbish when the car is clearly going to be rusty. 

 

POA or other sales rubbish

 

Offers 

[bramz7]

Summer photos in December

[sierraman]

Or worse, photos with snow on the ground in August.

[J-T]

"No silly offers, I know what these are worth"

 

Anything sold from Bradford

 

Pics of front seats taken at an angle to hide the fucked side bolster

 

Adverts without a single pic of the entire car

 

Mentions of "a few small marks" which usually equates to every panel is ruined

 

"Flew through last MOT" with no mention of the recurring 15 advisories

[iainrcz]

 

 

"No silly offers, I know what these are worth"

 

 

Usually seen in adverts for stupidly priced, Barried VW vans with intergalactic mileage.

 

Sent from my VFD 710 using Tapatalk

[Kiltox]

“Never buy a car in Birmingham or Bradford”

 

Me, 2014. Possibly also others, but you all know I buy some right bollocks so if I live by that criteria everyone should.

[D Spares & Tyres]

To counter some of the comments, I once had a car cloned. All my adverts now get the plate obscured.

 

I often paint brake drums and calipers satin black as I don't like to see rusty parts on an otherwise tidy car.

 

I once bought a car from Bradford. Young Asian chap. I got a cup of tea and a piece of cake. Really nice chap. Car wasn't the best though so maybe it is best avoided after all. Nice cake though.

[Lacquer Peel]

"MOT expired" is often code for "I put it in for a test but it failed miserably and I haven't realised how easy it is to look up MOT test histories online"

[Mrcento]

'RELISTED DUE TO TIMEWASTER'

 

The timewaster is the seller.

 

Or often somebody has came to look at it, seen it is absolutely fucked and ran a mile.

[Mrcento]

“Never buy a car in Birmingham or Bradford”

 

Me, 2014. Possibly also others, but you all know I buy some right bollocks so if I live by that criteria everyone should.

 

Or Fife....

 

Not that you'd be able to find the fucking thing after two weeks of the "It's in Fife", "What part of Fife?", "Fife mate", "Where in Fife?", "25 Miles north east of Livinston mate", "Can i have a postcode?", "Car is in Fife", merry-go-round.

[Zelandeth]

Oops.

 

My Xantia is currently parked on the front lawn. It's that or the street...and having seen the mayhem at school kick out time, it ain't staying there. Insurance states it has to be off street overnight too.

 

Granted...I'd take the photos on the driveway if I was looking to sell it though!

 

Wash, hoover, wipe over of plastics and tyres and make sure there's no junk in the boot takes half an hour to do and makes all the difference, those are the minimum I'd consider.

 

I confess there's a bottle of LHM in the boot of the Activa. That's more because it was there when I got it than because it's deliberately there! Next to it is the leather feed for the seats, that's all that's in there...

[Kiltox]

Or Fife....

 

Not that you'd be able to find the fucking thing after two weeks of the "It's in Fife", "What part of Fife?", "Fife mate", "Where in Fife?", "25 Miles north east of Livinston mate", "Can i have a postcode?", "Car is in Fife", merry-go-round.

Dome can be forgiven for hiding his whereabouts imo

[clayts450]

The expression 'bulletproof BMW engine' in any Rover 75 diesel advert. And sometimes in Rover 25/45/Streetwise ads too, in error.

[Andyrew]

Suspicious stains, blood and snot smears on blue Leather seats, it's disgusting

 

I can't stand blue leather.

[Kringle]

Those shit pieces of paper with two shoes on it, fuck me I run a mile.

[Cavcraft]

'Too big/small for my wife'. Yeah, because obviously she wouldn't have come with you to see it and test drive it first.

[Jazoli]

Anything thing that 'pulls like a train'

 

'Needs xxx, cheap fix' well why haven't you done it then? Oh yeah the crankshaft flange pingfuckit is only 50p, but requires the engine removing to fit it.

 

Anything from Bradford/Keighley.

 

Anything with a 'powered by fairycakes' sticker, and the one that really gets on my tits 'full VOSA service history' just fuck right off right there.

[bramz7]

Drives like new.

 

I've driven many old cars and none have felt like they would have when new.

Someone who has owned it for three weeks likely has no clue what it drove like when new either. I can vouch for that.

[Snipes]

When sellers claim obvious and easily tested things are "untested" ie; Aircon, cruise etc.

If it's broken, just say so FFS.

[pshome]

People who don't seem to even know what car they want to sell, "Talbot Chevette 2,2 for sale" (true ad text!)

[320touring]

What's wrang with you folks?

 

I see car

Disregard warning signs

Arrange viewing

Start collection thread

Turn up

Confuse the vendor as I know most of the potential problems with the model (Google is a wonderful thing!)

Buy it anyway

?????

4. Profit

 

 

Seriously though, I've met some absolute grade a top class folk when buying cars from the roughest places.

 

I've also met platinum grade bawbags with gravel drives.

 

I'll even go to view a car in Inverness (my £100 e32 735i manual) with no pictures. Course I bought it, but that was based on speaking to the owner on the phone - she was a nice old lady

I offered to send the money ahead, but she was having none of it.

 

It's all about managing expectations - if it's a sub 1k car that seems honest despite some faults, then that's one thing.

 

A total tub that has been glitter rolled to within an inch of its life is another.

 

I just go off gut instinct.

[purplebargeken]

Avoid* anything pictured with a fluffy white dog

[JimH]

Underground / multi-storey car park.

 

That reminds me of one of my favourite Top Tips from Viz.

 

 

Never buy a portable television from a man in the street who is out of breath.

[Guest Hooli]

Underground / multi-storey car park.

 

I mean would you buy THIS???

 

C3A8FE49-103C-4DBA-9411-95ED18A79454.jpeg

 

I thought Yarises (Yari?) were popular on here? Good Gumtree pic though!

[Kiltox]

I thought Yarises (Yari?) were popular on here? Good Gumtree pic though!

Gutted actually, that lovely* Yaris seems to have been replaced with a Fiat 500

[meggersdog]

Selling for a friend who

1 doesn't do ebay

2 hasn't got the internet

3 can't be arsed dealing with mongs*

 

 

 

 

 

 

* (I may have made that last one up)