Things in car adverts that make you go "Oh F*** Off"

[Bamboocarman]

' will only go up in value they are becoming very rare '

[Bamboocarman]

' don't hold back on this one its a sound investment in my eyes and will only ever go up in value '

 

F F S !!

[Bamboocarman]

oh sorry, here's another one:

 

 

 

' Millage '

[srad34]

'Very Rare' = Nobody bought them the first time around cause they were and still are shite.... 

[UltraWomble]

 Immaculately maintained car which has averaged ONLY 3500 miles per year!! 48000 miles-One Doctor Owner from NEW

 

Gaaaaaah

It gets worse

4 seats, One Owner from new(Doctor)--MOT and serviced at 39,415 miles--2011=40,894 miles--2012--42835 miles--2013--45285 miles--2014--no advisories-Immaculate inside and out-small rear scuff-Reliable Economical-Low insurance and tax-MOT and taxed till April 2015--Se model--good specification-electric mirrors windows--6 Disc changer sporty interior-Ideal first car! 1.4 engine-from the Golf-thus very powerful-with the New shape look from 2000-first to see will buy as Lowest miles in country for a car of that calibre and price--its a give away! These cars are designed to go round the clock twice without an issue--the older models better build than the new due to components used--made to last as all VW cars are-value for money! will last as long as you choose to maintain-simple oil change once a year-

 

http://www.autotrader.co.uk/classified/advert/201502020631053/sort/locasc/page/5/radius/50/quicksearch/true/onesearchad/used%2Cnearlynew%2Cnew/price-from/500/usedcars/postcode/pr268ne/price-to/1500/maximum-mileage/up_to_60000_miles?logcode=p

[Felly Magic]

No mention that the 1.4 engine goes omnoms on it's piston rings and the gearboxes are made from brie?

[UltraWomble]

Dirty cars from traders like tjis example from Evans Halshaw

Fucking run the hosepipe over it first you cuntfuttocks.

http://www.autotrader.co.uk/classified/advert/201411058747880/sort/locasc/radius/50/price-to/1500/usedcars/onesearchad/used%2Cnearlynew%2Cnew/price-from/500/make/fiat/page/1/postcode/pr31uu?logcode=p

[dugong]

'Only fit for sensitive hands like a concert pianist's'

 

HA HA HA HA FUCK OFF WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ON ABOUT?

[Pillock]

This is all evidence of why it's best to buy from the small ads in your local rag. A 1" square picture if you're feeling flush, three lines of text and no bullshit. "Ford Focus 1.8 Zetec, green, EW, CL, 108k, MoT July, £595". Perfect.

 

Course, it also has no room to mention the rust issues, the missing alloy or where the Doberman has eaten the passenger seat but it's all part of the adventure!

[Richard]

'Only fit for sensitive hands like a concert pianist's'

 

HA HA HA HA FUCK OFF WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ON ABOUT?

 

Talking of "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ON ABOUT?", have there been any recent sightings of Raymanboy?

[chaseracer]

No, thank feck.

[maxpower]

Bodywork fine apart from a few supermarket trolley dings

 

[fred]

'MOT man commented on how clean the underside is'

 

No he fucking did not, MoT men are mainly complete bastards, who live to piss you off. Because they can

 

'Ful history lol. grate paintwork lol, (-: runz like a dreamz lol '

 

Bloody arse TXT speak - I want to run a red hot poker up your clunge and fucking LOL then

[Asimo]

Eml on but have been told it's due to brake pad sensor wire broken . This don't effect performance of car

[New POD]

'Very Rare' = Nobody bought them the first time around cause they were and still are shite.... 

 

In addition nobody else would ever tick the boxes that were ticked when the first buyer was clearly pissed.

 

It's a 2 tone beige and mocca outside, with terracotta seats, blue dash, and this one is the 1.3 8V none fuel injected Auto 2 door, with drum brakes all round, and the hatch shape but with a boot and not a hatch, and 12 inch steel wheels. But it has carpets !!!!

[Junkman]

 

...bought to break for spares, but it is far to good...

 

Sod off! Fucked is fucked, no matter how you phrase it.

[Bamboocarman]

Not only :

 

' 4 speed manuel '

 

' totrod '

 

Mein Gott in Himmel, I am hatingk ziss phrase !!

 

(apologies, been watching a Peter Sellers film)

 

but also,

 

 An OSF question to the panel:

 

' Hi mate how much u asking for the escort mk1 and how much work do you as a person think it's needs as there is not pics off under neath carpit and that thanks gareth '  (My italics)

 

 

not to mention:

 

 

 

' may part exchange cash either way for classic american trunk. '

 

' a few marks consumate with age '

[The Reverend Bluejeans]

THREAD RESURRECTION.......

 

"Large history file'

 

Do folks make files for history then?

 

Is it like The Rockford Files?

 

'We'd like some information for our files".

 

 

Just fuck off you pretentious jockey. It's an owners handbook and whatever old KwikFit receipts from 1997.

[UltraWomble]

Im actually wondering if FSH makes much difference to the price come sale time. Certainly in my experience it seems to make fuck all difference.

 

Traders will always offer bottom book for something a few years old regardless of a sheaf of receipts or not, shitters will always offer bottom of the canal for something running with a MOT but more blebs than Jeremy Kyle guests.

[dave21478]

IMO full history only really matters for the first ten years of a cars life. The second or third owners who buy it in that time frame are generally the types who think that is important to its value and who think that paying £100+ for a service gets them a full strip down and rebuild rather than just an oil change and a load of tickboxes checked off on a clipboard.

 

Beyond that, the type of people buying the car are more interested in its actual condition, not what a pile of ticked boxes says about its condition 12 years ago.

Personally I am interested in the last timing belt change and hopefully some recent evidence of oil changes - beyond that I dont care much either way.

[John F]

Judging by the vehemence this thread has unleashed, I think we'll have to have another 'cunt count' soon

 

Dave, is this something that could be automated?

[sierraman]

What phrases do you see in an advert that piss you off. One of mine is ‘5 speed gearbox’ on something like a Focus.

 

‘Runs ok’ - runs shit

 

‘It’s never bothered me...’ - it WILL bother you though

 

‘We are pleased at KGF to bring you today...’

[tooSavvy]

First to see will buy....

[Alanism]

Lady owner.

[Jim Bell]

Mint.

[eddyramrod]

First to see will buy....

Always makes me want to be the first to see it just so I can walk away.

[tooSavvy]

Mint.

Nope..... Nettie door green, m8

[mercrocker]

"Here we have....."

[Talbot]

Years ago I used to have a conversion between "what vendor says" and "what this means" for cars. Can't find it any more, and google is coming up with nothing, so you get my memory, which is shit at best:

 

"Eye catcher" - Sun visor fitted too low

"Alarmed" - Describes state of driver after test drive

"Front and Rear buckets" - Large petrol leak

"Nice Runner" - You'll have to be.. the car doesn't work.

"Drives Nice" - Vendor illiterate

"Unfinished project" - Project not even started.

"Slight Misfire" - Engine does not run

"Slight coolant leak" - Head gasket failed.

"Rare car" - because they're awful and the rest have all been scrapped

"Needs Paint" - Looks abandoned

"Recently welded" - Severe corrosion everywhere and bodged for MOT test

"Spares or Repairs" - I've taken all the good bits off already

"Need it gone" - My wife wants it gone.

"New car forces sale" - The dealership wouldn't take it in part-ex

"Low mileage" - well, it is now.

"Body kit" - Covering up all the rust

"Lowered" - Undriveable

 

 

I'm sure there were more, but that's all I can remember..

[mercrocker]

"Launched at the 1968 Motor Show...."