Project Memoirs: By Way of Update…

[Noel Tidybeard]

one other thing that gives a clue as to what it is are the rear windows- city were fixed, mayfair hinged

[wuvvum]

That is looking fan-fucking-tastic.  Are you going to the ECR meet on the bank holiday weekend?  It'd be great to see it in the metal in its new improved form.

[Matty]

On 08/08/2024 at 16:13, BorniteIdentity said:

It’s been a funny week for reasons various. Highs and lows. My lovely old Mum is in hospital with something that looks a bit sinister - on the other hand I appear to have found a new female victim to endlessly irritate and she still seems to like me. 

On Monday I received the call that I’ve received probably five times already. “Car will be ready this week mate”. Further set backs followed including the windscreen cracking as they tried to put it back in, and their desire to quickly rattle can the wheels to smarten them up. 

This morning came, and he called again to say it’ll be ready at 2pm. I got there at 3 just to be safe and…

Fuck me!

It’s done!*

Sort of. I need to get some trim for the edges, two new door seals, a rear section of exhaust as it’s got fruity whilst sat, and try to polish the back up a bit. It will need spraying to match the rest. 

It’s such an odd feeling. I think I’m in shock to be honest! 

It’s lovely to have it back, and my Mum (whose mother owned this car) cried her little heart out when she saw it. 

Other niggles; the fuse box needs a clean as I’ve got no indicators - the wipers aren’t fitted properly after the glass was fitted and it’s filthy inside. 

But I love it. 

The next generation: 

 

Was just about to quote the previous mini update and say don't be too hasty. Then I saw this. Awesome 👌 

Proper old cars are a ballache. Worth it though.

[timolloyd]

Nice to see one without Michael Caine quotes plastered all over the rear windows.

[HMC]

Loving the aethetics originality. Kudos for going for the satin black 80s bumpers rather than the urge to go chrome. Your only supposed to blow the bloody doors off etc.

[Skizzer]

On 08/08/2024 at 16:13, BorniteIdentity said:

It’s been a funny week for reasons various. Highs and lows. My lovely old Mum is in hospital with something that looks a bit sinister - on the other hand I appear to have found a new female victim to endlessly irritate and she still seems to like me. 

On Monday I received the call that I’ve received probably five times already. “Car will be ready this week mate”. Further set backs followed including the windscreen cracking as they tried to put it back in, and their desire to quickly rattle can the wheels to smarten them up. 

This morning came, and he called again to say it’ll be ready at 2pm. I got there at 3 just to be safe and…

Fuck me!

It’s done!*

Sort of. I need to get some trim for the edges, two new door seals, a rear section of exhaust as it’s got fruity whilst sat, and try to polish the back up a bit. It will need spraying to match the rest. 

It’s such an odd feeling. I think I’m in shock to be honest! 

It’s lovely to have it back, and my Mum (whose mother owned this car) cried her little heart out when she saw it. 

Other niggles; the fuse box needs a clean as I’ve got no indicators - the wipers aren’t fitted properly after the glass was fitted and it’s filthy inside. 

But I love it. 

The next generation: 

 

So happy to see this — I know how much it means to you. Looks fantastic. I’m made up for you.

[Richard_FM]

10 hours ago, Stinkwheel said:

Austin Leyland were a bit special (actually probably most of the UK motor industry were as bad)

I've heard of Vauxhall Vivas having mixed brakes like that, with adaptors on the pipes for the different threads.  The worst bodge was a batch of engines with Opel cylinder heads, as the usual ones were unavailable due to a strike!

[rob88h]

On 08/08/2024 at 16:13, BorniteIdentity said:

Stunning. I couldn’t be more happy for you, especially knowing its history to your family.  

(I’m also now very jealous of its condition, haha).

[sheffcortinacentre]

1 hour ago, Richard_FM said:

I've heard of Vauxhall Vivas having mixed brakes like that, with adaptors on the pipes for the different threads.  The worst bodge was a batch of engines with Opel cylinder heads, as the usual ones were unavailable due to a strike!

As far as I know all Vivas were imperial.

[BorniteIdentity]

I've been out of the game for a while now.  Life changed, I changed.  I've slowly spent the last two years conquering women from various Eastern European countries (Ukraine, Poland, Slovenia, Romania and Slovakia so far) but shit car conquests have been somewhat lacking.  In fact, I think I've only been buying one a year.

A few nights back I got fairly drunk on Gin and had a stab at a few vehicles.  One was a burgundy S Class (97 on an R) and the other an E class (99 on a T).  Both lovely.  I also stuck a bid of £500 plus vat on an early hippo and forgot all about it.  

Then last night I got the dreaded 'CONGRATULATIONS' email from eBay.  

Fuck.

Rather than playing MYSTERY VEHICLES I'll give you full disclosure on this one, because I'm likely going to need some help along the way.

A very early Freelander - number 170 by all accounts.  Looks like it was bought with the best of intentions by a LR enthusiast for his son, only to realise that insurance is a challenge.  I dare say there's a bit more to it than that but, at £520, I reckon I can always break even here.  My very first job in radio was driving one of these around (same spec) so it'll be another trip down memory lane.

First concern is this:

I think it'll be within the prescribed area, but maybe I'm wrong. Any thoughts? It's the rear end of the nearside sill.

Secondly:

Quote

When you drive there is a noise from the drivers side on turning which I'm told is probably the bearing at the top of the spring housing which is probably seized so that would need attention or replacing for sure. It doesn't sound good. 

Shiply quotes are coming in at about £600 to get it home, so I'm fairly certain it'll be a case of a pre-booked MOT at location convenient for my home and not the vendor's.  

Thirdly: it's 220 miles away!

So. Thoughts?!  Obviously I'll travel with gallon of water and a bottle of K-Seal just in case it decides to perform its party trick on the way home.  

I'm pretty excited about it tbh!  I'd love to think I can get this looking really smart and bang around in it for a while.

 

[Stinkwheel]

[Stinkwheel]

I’d say the sill will be a fail unfortunately, but go for the drive home to a pre booked anyway, it’s what this place is about 

[somewhatfoolish]

Crispy. WCPGW?

[bramz7]

Oooo it's a Blacktop! I must be a sicko because I immediately noticed the headlight covers and thought 'cool!'.

I think one of our mutual friends may know things about these. He's definitely had/has one or two, so worth an ask. 

 

 

[BorniteIdentity]

1 minute ago, bramz7 said:

Oooo it's a Blacktop! I must be a sicko because I immediately noticed the headlight covers and thought 'cool!'.

I think one of our mutual friends may know things about these. He's definitely had/has one or two, so worth an ask. 

 

 

Cheetham?

[bramz7]

Just now, BorniteIdentity said:

Cheetham?

Bingo. I'm pretty sure he had an early one quite recently actually. 

[somewhatfoolish]

Has it had its viscous coupling removed "for economy" and not at all because the intermediate gear thing has minced itself?

[BorniteIdentity]

1 minute ago, bramz7 said:

Bingo. I'm pretty sure he had an early one quite recently actually. 

Nice one - thanks buddy.  I'll drop him a line now.  

The vendor is very keen for me not to drive it away, which always makes me think "hmm - what does he know that he's not speaking up about" but he might just be risk averse.  Who knows!

[BorniteIdentity]

1 minute ago, somewhatfoolish said:

Has it had its viscous coupling removed "for economy" and not at all because the intermediate gear thing has minced itself?

Advert says not.

[HMC]

Brilliant! looking fwd to updates. Also as far as early examples of any Land Rover go, its a safe bet moneywise IMO

[Bear]

11 hours ago, BorniteIdentity said:

Secondly:

Shiply quotes are coming in at about £600 to get it home, so I'm fairly certain it'll be a case of a pre-booked MOT at location convenient for my home and not the vendor's.  

Where from/to?
I found a friendly van rental place with a lovely recovery truck and I know how to drive one. £150/day rental, and seems reasonable on fuel (Notts-London-load-up-RX7-drive-in-solid-traffic-Chesterfield-Notts was £68.).

[BorniteIdentity]

Hey! I’ve done the beavertail thing before with the Mini, but am a bit concerned about weight with this one - plus it’s a long way. 450 mile round trip. 

I’m on the train now to fetch it. Hopes and prayers. 

[DSdriver]

We're counting on you, no pressure like 😁

[somewhatfoolish]

Chod speed.

[hairnet]

15 hours ago, HMC said:

Brilliant! looking fwd to updates. Also as far as early examples of any Land Rover go, its a safe bet moneywise IMO

i read that as moneypit 

and i thought hes not collected it

oops

[BorniteIdentity]

Full write up tomorrow when my sphincter has recovered. Driving a car 225 miles immediately after an 8 year lay up was one of my more stupid ideas, but it made it and that means it’s already earned its first stripe. 

[Timewaster]

[High Jetter]

I'm sure it will thank you in many expensive ways

[somewhatfoolish]

It's the best* way. I did similar with an ebay purchase, was assured* by the vendor that everything was fine* so I flew to englandshire and drove it 400 miles home. It wasn't fine but it did get there.

[BorniteIdentity]

I think it's fair to say that the seller of the Freelander thought, and probably still thinks, I'm a raving mentalist.  Come to think of it, I also think that. 

Yes, most of us have pushed our luck with collection missions.  Some of us have shown flagrant disregard for the rules of the highway whilst doing so.  But, as I arrived in a town I've been mispronouncing for the last 20 years, even I came to the uncomfortable realisation that I'd probably fucked up with this one.

All the signs were there.

"Hello?  Yes I appear to have bought a 27 year old Land Rover of my own free will.  You can't help?  Oh"

Let's rewind to the start of the morning.  Barrier didn't open, train was late.  Tube barrier didn't open.  Second train cancelled, barrier didn't open.  (It was at this point I realised I'd bought a ticket for the wrong day).  The train from Paddington to Exeter was absolutely heaving with people who should have been on the earlier train, as well as holiday makers and the great unwashed.  Ignoring the indicator scheme above the seats, I parked my arse and managed to inhabit the same chair for 95% of the journey - only getting up to admire one of UK railway's greatest views.

Disembarking at Teignmouth, there wasn't a taxi to be seen.  Uber doesn't seem to have reached this part of the world, so Shank's pony it was.  At first I couldn't work out why the 1.25 mile walk was timing out at 40 minutes.  I'm fat, but not that slow.  Then I remembered why everyone in Devon has intimidating calf muscles.

Still, there was plenty to admire along 15% incline.

I eventually arrived at the vendor's house, resplendent with underboob sweat and a perspiring head. Eyeball Eyeball!

He'd gone out for the day, and left me the most incredibly detailed instructions (across four separate WhatsApp messages) as to where the key was.  POT IN OLD LAND ROVER would have done it.  I let myself in and the car very, very lazily stumbled into life.  One was not reassured by this recalcitrant beginning to our relationship but, when 220 miles from home with no other return transport, what is to be done other than persevere?  

The slight blow in the exhaust was a little fruitier than I would have liked - not quite baritone but certainly a tenor of Pavarotti's range.  Bile raised into my throat.  I don't mind a naughty exhaust, but I don't really want two parts of the pipe doing a BENNIFER on the M5 and becoming mutually exclusive.  Bollocks.

Finally - this bit.

Quote

 When you drive there is a noise from the drivers side on turning which I'm told is probably the bearing at the top of the spring housing which is probably seized so that would need attention or replacing for sure. It doesn't sound good. 

That, my pedigree chum, is a fucking understatement.  The sound that awaits you when you turn the wheel more than about 30 degrees can only be compared to that of a Tom and Jerry cartoon when the cat is smashed around the head by a 20ft scaffolding pole.  It is a deafening metallic clang which splits your head open and sticks tin foil on your fillings.  Horrendous.

I sat for all of 10 seconds wondering what the fuck to do before just letting the clutch up and heading off.  Every turn at every junction made me think the whole thing was about to collapse, but very gradually I made it to the M5.  Progress, on a Bank Holiday weekend, was sedate.  Perfect.  In fact - until I needed to use the brakes - everything was just spiffing.  And then it wasn't.  The brakes were soggy, even by Classic Mini standards, but this was frightening.  After 5 minutes of the journey I thought I'd really give the brakes both feet to see if that woke them up.  Instead the ABS, TCS and Descent lights all came on and stayed on for the rest of the journey.

Eventually, I reached the dizzy heights of 55mph where the car genuinely felt like it was going to shake itself to death.  Initially, I thought it was the diff shitting itself but, upon the taking of brave pills, I got the thing up to 70mph and all was well.  I'm assuming that the 10 year old, unbalanced Jinyu Tyres, were to blame because at certain speeds the wheel shakes and at other speeds the seat shakes.  

I got 70 miles in and thought it time to stop for some petrol and wine gums.  I left it this long in order to try and get some charge into the battery, but the needle was dropping and my thirst growing.  A full tank of motorway service station fuel is probably my biggest flex of the year so far.  "Sorry kids - no inheritance will be payable upon death - Dad once bought a full 50 litres of unleaded from Sedgemoor Services and the estate is being sold to pay the debt".  Fortunately, the hippo growled back into life immediately and we were, once again, on our way.

The rest of the journey was rather uneventful.  By the time I reached Heathrow the smell of gas was overwhelming (the exhaust splitting, not my rectum) so it became a toss up between having the window open and smelling eggs or having the windows closed and being fed undiluted Carbon Monoxide straight into my lungs.

As I left the A1 I'd gone from selling the car immediately by raffle and cutting my losses - to feeling a genuine affinity with it.  After all, it'd got me 200 miles through bank holiday traffic with no overheating and very little drama.  Then, driving in a straight line went from being difficult to almost impossible.  I've never seen a car list around like a yacht unless piloted by the inebriated, but it was pitching violently around to the point of nearly causing car sickness.  Nonetheless, we stumbled into my neighbour's driveway 6 hours later and I gave it a little pat on the arse as I walked away to drink gin.

Gin, by the way, is what got me into this fucking mess.

I'm still formulating a plan.  It needs welding, and I'm a bit embarrassed to present it for a test.  But sometimes the MOT list provides the clearest 'to do list'.  The clang is, according to my esteemed chum Craig, a drop link.  The exhaust is the exhaust and the wandering maybe an ARB?  As for the brakes? Meh.  Can't be anything too complicated, right?

Nonetheless, at £500 I'm happy.  It's the basis of a lovely car.