2015 shite quote thread

[HH-R]

The cat one was hilarious, I saw it the other day. Think it was in a Daihatsu thread?

[Richard]

I even saw it on a greetings card once.

 

[Taff]

this snippet, by Fat Pirate in the Polska thread 

 

 

 

 1000+ miles in a Polonez is certainly a more dignified way to travel than a Ryanair 737.

[tooSavvy]

1000+ miles in a <Polonez> Jreg Proton is certainly a more dignified way to travel than a Ryanair 737.

 

TS

[vulgalour]

We have achieved Leeds.

 

Originally settled by the Vikings in 1956, Leeds sits on the junction of twelve rivers. The only owl sanctuary in Yorkshire is located opposite its Victorian baths and the town is currently enjoying its annual crane festival.

[KruJoe]

Also...

 

 

 

Ooooooooo, twain fwend.
If I move over the isle, I think the train might tip over on the next left hand bend. We fat lads must be kept equidistant for reasons of general safety.

 

...and...

 

 

 

Who's idea was this?
He must be a right prick.

 

Shitpeas has a lot of time on his hands just now.

[vulgalour]

Apart from the coolant loss and overly intrusive health and safety BONG BONG BONG shite, it's running very well.

 

 

I'm not confident! 

[quicksilver]

Barry Shitpeas was on fire in that collection thread but the Leeds Crane Festival was my fave bit too. In other news, today at Autoshite Medical Services your diagnosis is...

 

some other kind bum stabby leg numby knee achey thing.

[Noel Tidybeard]

 

 

Sciatica-ah-ah-ah-ouch!!! Or piriformis syndrome or some other kind bum stabby leg numby knee achey thing.

 

OW.

 

[Pillock]

Davenumbers goes for maximum innuendo in one post

 

Lube Shuttle.

 

grease nipple

 

can be used one-handed.

 

screw-in

 

[John F]

I mentioned going to shitefest next year to Mrs Beard. She asked about the 'fishing gnome wizard with a wheel instead of legs'. I had no sensible answer to offer TBH.

 

'That is a Uniwobbler' being the best I could come up with.

Mrs Beard is currently thinking of giving shitefest 2016 a swerve.

 

[Conrad D. Conelrad]

 

there are at least two bob-weights missing from the Wilmot-Breeden harmonic stabilizers

I have no clue what this means, but I love it.  Next time I break down I am DEFINITELY going to tell the Green Flag call centre that this is what's wrong.

 

[Bucketeer]

On his 'less than neat' soldering attempt.

 

Looks like I just poured molten lead on a 12" dildo and used it to beat a PCB to death. 

[Junkman]

aircon is most excellent when you have it and others don't. Conversely, if they have it and you don't it becomes crap.

[catsinthewelder]

It won't make sense without this

 

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/1996-PEUGEOT-406-EXECUTIVE-DT-RED-/281732317014

 

This is smart, posh-spec 406 with the veg-friendly XUD9TE.

 

 

I'd like to rock up with a chisel to break the stop solenoid armour, remove the stop solenoid pin, push start it, break the steering lock and drive away. Bloody Somerset though.

 

But this almost cost me a keyboard

 

 

It's along way to go if you rock up, break the chisel, cut yourself on the solenoid armour, drop the stop solenoid pin into the hand brake mechanism, put your knee out push starting it then drive it into a hedge because the steering lock won't come off.

It'd be youtube gold though. I think you should do it.

[Guest Breadvan72]

Partridge on Rover 800 sale thread:

 

The only way you could get better value misery would be to staple your foreskin to a nettle, then dribble a trail of sugar going to a nest of fire ants to your ballsack, while watching a Britain's Got Talent Omnibus having lemon juice squirted in your eyes by Hitler.

 

 

[Conrad D. Conelrad]

Tayne asks for help dating this photo:

 

 

Old Inverurie par Tayne, on ipernity

It's actually 31st of December, you can tell from the old Laing sign on the van.

Gold.

[anonymous user]

Leave it alone - it ain't losing coolant.

 

You will be the first person ever to strip a K series because of an oil leak.

[chaseracer]

So, in time-honoured AS tradition you should ignore all this and buy an MGF. Or a diesel Merc estate. Or a Scammell Explorer.

[cms206]

 

 

Though someone had hacked the reliant this morning, turns out i have pulled the heater cable rather than the choke.

[drum]

At this rate when I win* a £10 car all it will have cost me is £900 in raffle tickets.

24 please...

[vulgalour]

On the subject of 6 cylinder Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaags.
 

A wonderful machine.......watch out for women stuck to exterior panel work.......it will attract them like flies!

[Guest Breadvan72]

 

It's a bit like a really good looking transvestite: from the outside it looks ace, but open the flaps and it's a whole different ball game.

 

 

[hauserplenty]

CBA to find it; soz innit--

 

"Are you a spanner short of a full set?"

 

"I've been called worse."

[michael1703]

Cobblers from the grump thread

 

"Got home and jacked it up, span the wheel and the tyre was shaped like Lisa Rileys bog seat"

[mouseflakes]

Station describing how his Astra's leaky sump causes parent/sibling strife...
 

It leaks a bit of oil out of the sump - these use sealant, no gaskets. I tried to get the sump off last month, but it started raining. It'll leave droplets wherever it parks. I hilariously describe this as 'it's just marking it's territory', to which my mother/father replies 'Don't park that thing on our driveway again', to which I reply 'I hate you!' and then run up to my old room, which now contains loads of cardboard boxes

Go and 'like' the original here (or even buy the offending vehicle)...

http://autoshite.com/topic/21305-for-sale-astra-mk3-17td-estate-£250ono/?p=799145

[vulgalour]

I really long for an XM estate because I like problem cars!

[quicksilver]

Just had a good chuckle at another Vulgalourian gem

 

I can't go to America, I'd spend all my money on terrible rotten Cadillacs and then have to craft them into some sort of Cuban-esque boat to get home.

[Craig the Princess]

Xtriple's Bentley

 

 

 Just told him and he is appalled! Has spent an hour telling me how stupid I am (as if I need telling!) and what a disaster it will be and how I'll get fit from pushing it everywhere....

 

You get the picture.

 

Not bothered in the slightest!

[chaseracer]

Lottery win, I'm having one of those Wraiths. A Capri for people who don't go to Greek islands for package holidays, they buy Greek islands.