S2000 fleet ramblings - More Peel than an Orange!

[S2000]

Where to start, that’s the thing , so we will start mid 2024 otherwise this will become the story of my life through the 120 plus cars I’ve been the custodian of since 1989. I have had some beauties, and like girlfriends of the past wish I still had them now.

All was good, I had a few cars and a Kwaka Z650RS in the same colour scheme as my old 911 I sold in this parish then during harvest in August I hit some hydraulic fluid and got hurt.

 

Forks snapped, frame bent, two broken knuckles, both rotatcuuffs torn, fucked knee and balls the size of melons which caused the dent on the tank. I got off lightly but 10 months on I’m still not recovered and facing surgery to reattach tendons and break my hand to reset it to gain more mobility. The XRay failed to show the break in the knuckles and it set badly, like lost 30% mobility.

The fleet on the drive at this point consisted of a K74 L200, the wife’s Bini supercharged cabriolet, my BMW G22 and an X1 18D ( more of that later).

L200 with the X1 photo bombing:

The BINI:

 

And I had the W1000 that hated me:

 

I totally lost my shirt on the Wolesley, with my mobility issue (right hand post accident) it took me nearly 6 hours to change the water pump, and it rewarded me by blowing its head gasket so for my mental health I moved it on within this parish.

By the way, I also have an HRV in gold I gifted/leant to a friend and is now back in my ownership, an E34 in my step dads garage and a hybrid modern. I sold the G whatever BMW to a friend, I had owned it for three years and covered a mere 13K miles so it was replaced with the hybrid modern (thanks to Rachel Reeves the BMW was going to hit £650, let’s add the L200, BINI and X1 road tax and things had to change!). At this point it may not appear I have a ‘retro’ fleet, but bear in mind the oldest car is 35 years old and the newest (not including the hybrid) is 15 years old.

Almost forgot the Norman Nippy, more on that later to:

 

 

Purchased from here, it does run but after several sales fell through (plate rapers) I built a shed at the back of my garage and it now looks like this:

 

It will be shot blast and rebuilt, keeping the original plate and most likely be put in my (dry) barn for high days…..

We went away around September to Cornwall and several things became apparent, I could only walk about 300 metres, the X1 was painfully slow and with a torn rotatacuff manual gearboxes are not fun. The X1 is a 18dSE so two wheel drive and a lowly 143BHP through a six speed, while economical on a motorway it’s gutless and a pain due to the number of gear changes needed to progress, now I’m not a fan of remapping engines and putting more strain on them but I was annoyed and would possibly have to drive this more as the my BMW coupe had gone. I spent £250 and it was returned with just shy of 200 BHP but way more torque so it was easier to drive and more efficient.

When I found the X1 it was a mint 83K car being sold as not euro 6 compliant, it now sports touch parking on every corner and some amazing car park damage!

I think we are now end of 2024, only other thing that happened was I hit a muntjac while taking the BINI into storage and damaged the NSF bumper, indicator and fog light thought it wise not to tell the wife about this….

 

 

Following the insurance payout, most said people would hang up the riding gloves and lid, but I went and got this:

 

Easier to ride that the Kawasaki, only 399cc but I still struggle after 30 miles with pain in my right hand, good fun and glad I got back on a bike.

Apart from a duff parking sensor I got for 20 quid off Amazon the X1 does X1 stuff very reliably, economically and boring while returning stellar fuel economy and costing me £16 month road tax, however I’m still struggling with my left arm and trying to engage reverse is more painful than my first divorce. The BINI was forced out of storage in January as the farmer doubled the asking to £100 month for a 20 ft container, it did mean I could fix the damage….. happy wife, happy life!
 

MARCH 2025

I work from home ever since the pandemic hit, prior to that I was away 3-4 weeks of every month, now I have to go to the office infrequently but in March I had to go 3-4 times. Not bad you might think, with the BINI not insured and the X1 in use by the wife I used the BMW hybrid, until it kept telling me the coolant was low. That got despatched to the dealer whom thankfully did all the work under warranty saving me the just shy of £4.5K bill, in the meantime black beauty and I (the L200) were commuting, which it’s not designed for, I use it for walking the Dogs.

 

 

[Matty]

Fucking hell I'd forgotten that. Looking at the damage to the bike you probably did well not to be worse off. Good luck ongoing for the recovery.

[S2000]

March 2025

I don’t get a car allowance or company car, if I go to Partners I could rock up in any old shite and nothing can be said, however the 50 mile commute was grinding me plus due to the snorkel, EGR delete and a few other things the L200 can be ‘Rolling coal’ when provoked. I really did not want to sell the truck but I have no space to keep it and am loathed to pay another £100 to store it plus tax, insurance etc so I braved inhumanity and sold it within 12 hours for the asking! My short list for its replacement was an automatic, around £400 road tax, 4WD, room for the dogs and it had to wade 12 inches of water. When the rain hits with a passion 3 of the 4 roads flood and you either stay at home or drive up a big hill that goes nowhere near civilisation but to more floods, never use to happen until the building started (over development) with no thought to the infrastructure. So, at the time we had an XC70 and Aldi Allroad that didn’t quite fit and my shortlist was Range Rover TDV8, ML, Jeep, X5, Touareg, Q5, Q7, X5, Disco Inferno. 
 

Here is the thing to narrow the list quickly, it has to be no later than 2006 (or so I thought) to hit the robbing Reeves tax threshold….. long story short the wife hates Merc’s as her Dad worked for them so they were off the list, all the Volvo and Aldi’s were a flight away and the only RR I liked and looked at had bad rear wheel arches and crazy electrical issues. An X5 came up in bronzite with beige leather from a driveway seller (AS Spec) but either the bags or pump were US and he was not willing to fix it. I nearly bought a 2008 7 series from the Guy who does my MOT’s then sobered up. Then this came up:

 

 

2010 X5 SE, strangely the cheaper road tax bracket, loaded with toys that all work including auxiliary heating, and being an SE rides properly and not like two skeletons going at it in a bin full of bean cans. It was too cheap though, when I looked at it I was prepared with my thermos of tea to go through the extensive history and marvel at the exemplary condition…… yeah….. right. Thankfully the onboard computer had all the detail and what history their was had been done by specialists, only fly in the ointment was the current owner (he was given it by his father in law whom had it for many many years) tried to fix the lacquer peel himself and properly messed it up, hence the price. My mechanic serviced it and gave it a clean bill of health, usual BMW oil leaks though.

I took it to my body guy who did the bonnet, both wings, OSF door pillar and blew the work into the doors for a more than reasonable price, I decided to go old Skool with the BMW badge:

 

[S2000]

MAY 2025

Now on 124K in the X5 and I was getting concerned of a binding on the front and a hesitation to change gears, it seems to be holding them for too long. I know @SiC changed the fluid on his BMW so bought a kit to do it for the X5. Remember the Norman Nippy? While removing the bar for the swing arm I managed to miss the drift and smack my good hand with a lump hammer, another fracture! So, the gearbox kit was given to my mechanic who did the job and also changed the front, rear and transfer box oils and reset the adaptions. Hardly any oil in the front diff and transfer case but all back to spec now and the 8 speed has no hesitation and feels like night and day, the binding has also gone.

Do you know when you have a squeak, rattle or clonk that as much as you try to ignore drives you insane? I thought it was the rear seat latch so put some pu tape on the latch but to no avail. I have as much dexterity at the moment as Edward Scissor hands but that clonk had to go, I removed all the plastics in the boot, boot floor but still no identifiable cause. I then removed the NS storage where the first aid kit is and pulled out that, a thermo blanket, a pack of Golf Tees and two Penfold balls…… clonk solved.

I’m aware these engines can chew swirl flaps, being the N57 this has aluminium ones and are not as potentially problematic as the M57 plastic ones. I’m going to order up a new inlet manifold once I research the various suppliers as prices vary wildly, and a swirl flap delete kit from dark side developments. I’m looking for longevity here, not performance upgrades, it’s a big old lump that has been very well looked after in the past and I’d like to see a few years service before moving it on.

A while back I advertised on here a B40 L200 for a builder friend that did not sell, it’s rough as arse but I can have it for £50 more than ASM will offer, I’m quite tempted as it’s a single cab and would be a great project to put on a lift kit and have some fun with….. just need to get physically fit and find storage or piss my neighbours off and street park it!

[S2000]

With the nicer weather the BINI has been used more, it often throws a TPS error on the dashboard for many reasons no one can figure, I suspect I need to strip and clean both rear assemblies as I think* it’s ABS sensor related.

A new one is the Rev counter will die and all the lights, screens with it and then it will randomly spring back to life. I have read on one forum the loom passes through the firewall and can short out…. I will pretend I’m an astronaut at the weekend. Yesterday it threw below, I cleared the code and it has not returned, not an ideal fix and some TLC is definitely required soon.

 

[S2000]

While idly browsing eBay for more shit I spotted a Norman Nippy fresh in the listings, after some frantic hangover texting on Thursday morning my offer was accepted for this lot I picked up this morning:

 

The cavernous X5 swallowed 1 complete running bike, and a complete frame with all the running gear in boxes.

Im now going to drink cider in the sun.

[S2000]

What a Day, a Chineseum finest Amazon O2 sensor and the BINI appears to behaving itself, well apart from the temperamental Rev counter. I even cleaned and treated the hood with the kit I’ve had on the shelf for two years!
 

Most of today (apart from gardening) was Norman Nippy Day:

 

This is the spare frame and it’s very clean having been previously restored, the paint is quite blemished from multiple years in storage and being passed around and I have 2 engines, one looks to require a piston and carb to be operational, the other I’d say is spares only as the crankcase has a lot of internal rust.

This is the second bike:

Importantly it runs but looks to have been hand painted with Dulux to tart it up, ideally it needs stripping down and rebuilding, it’s obviously stood for many years but the clutch runs. I’ve not attempted to ride it yet as the headstock has quite a lot of play. 
 

It has a frame number, engine number and a tax disc holder with 64 and 71 discs, interesting (3 and 3) plate XXXELF. I will fill out a V62 to try and get a V5 but think it will be more complicated than that @LightBulbFun what do you think, the plate does not show on DVLA MOT check. 

In car related stuff check out this honey owned by a mate, proper Group N Skoda Rally Car 

 

[LightBulbFun]

1 hour ago, S2000 said:

It has a frame number, engine number and a tax disc holder with 64 and 71 discs, interesting (3 and 3) plate XXXELF. I will fill out a V62 to try and get a V5 but think it will be more complicated than that @LightBulbFun what do you think, the plate does not show on DVLA MOT check. 

unless your lucky and it happened to be computerised in the late 1970's early 80's and then came off the road right after, (if you have any tax disks from post 1974 and if any of them have a validation character on it then your in luck)

it will likely be a dating letter and age related mark, (unless you can cough up some pre 1983 evidence with Both the reg mark and frame number on it), as thats a London Registration mark and none of the records for those survive sadly so you cant V765 it via the usual archive-office route

[S2000]

So, still awaiting the return of the Norman from the blasters, I tried calling the chap on Friday but went to VM and despite leaving a message no response…… mildly annoyed at this.

Did a glacial round trip in the X5 of some 300 miles at the weekend to see my parents, engaged the cruise at warp factor 75 and it managed a weedy 32 ish MPG, not bad but considering its size but I only have the L200 to compare it to which was about 28. Had a very awakening moment on the M40 J8 southbound on Saturday as in the torrential rain the front aquaplaned violently to the left then the electronics did their thing and got me pointing straight again. The dashcam footage I will not be posting is proper brown trouser stuff when I watched it back.

The modern needs a brake fluid change (it’s done 3000 miles in two years) it tells me, and while booking it in I was talking about the X5 MPG and they have offered to put on a stage one map ‘to try’ for a couple of weeks and pay them if I like it, if not they will put the old map back on. At 125K I’m a bit hesitant, I’m not interested in ‘power’ but a few more mpgees would be good, I did this to the X1 and the average went from 43 to 58!

This is also being recommissioned:

<<Failed to load  the filthy HRV from the barn>>

[2flags]

Nice fleet. Sorry to hear about your accident. Oil of any sort can play havoc with a bike.

[S2000]

So, I’m sorry if you live there…… I really am. Let’s be straight, I fucking hate Milton Keynes and the slogan ‘Designed with thought’ is, well, in my eyes an oxymoron…… insult me, rant at me but you will never change my thoughts, like my ex wife, a fucking nightmare to navigate.

Took the X5 for its airbag recall, good shout as it’s 15 years old. Like waiting for the results for a prostate blood test ( under 50 year olds think of having to give precious blood and being fisted by a male doctor with your Y fronts round your ankles and regretting reaching for the wife’s veet the night before!) …. Good news, it passed the BMW health check with an advisory for 3mm tyre tread (it’s an X5 so designed to run on slick Chinese ditchfinders) and a minor oil leak…. Errrrr it’s a BMW with 126K on the clock what do you expect? I asked the technician. My hate for Milton Keynes came from the 220i they loaned me which I could’nt work out how to sat nav, air con or take out of sport mode….. I’m fifty fuckin two and get more joy from my Doctor fisting me than reading instructions….. I was told ‘it’s a good un and has had the recalls and other stuff.

Took me 1 hour and forty five bastard minutes to get from the place designed with thought to nearish Thame where the layer is just off the B4009.

Enroute back I picked up the shot blasted Norman, bloody good job but we have a hole at the base of the tank that will require welding or some form of chemical metal bond. Here it is on my constructed work wheeled bench so I can manoeuvre and work on it easily. The other Norman is out of sight and out of mind at the moment.

Does anyone have advice on ultrasonic cleaners for things like Carburettors and small type stuff?
 

 

[S2000]

Took eldest step daughter to Nottingham Uni today for an open day, supreme comfort with air con on while 30 C outside, stopped at the slow op on the way back as I fancied some Inch’s cider with a brace of butchers sausages in baps for Tea. Procured goods, started, reversed and turned the wheel then an almighty bang with loss of power steering and air con gone, thankfully a mile from home and when parked up the serpentine/auxiliary belt looks like it’s let go which would explain symptoms.

Usually I would order up a belt from ECP and fix it, however I fly Monday morning to Utrecht for a week and the car is booked in at meet and greet plus I need to work tomorrow to prep. Last month I paid a phenomenal amount of money to RAC so I logged a rescue and as I write this at 17:30 they estimate between 9 and 12! Hopefully a positive update later otherwise I’ll be paying hundreds for taxis!
 

 

[bangernomics]

Balls hopefully you get sorted asap.

Ultrasonic, I have a jewellery one from the middle of lidl, they do them every so often. Works a treat and I have put all sorts of flammable solvents in no problem.

[Wibble]

15 minutes ago, bangernomics said:

Balls hopefully you get sorted asap.

Ultrasonic, I have a jewellery one from the middle of lidl, they do them every so often. Works a treat and I have put all sorts of flammable solvents in no problem.

I used ultrasonic cleaning for years and can confirm it’s very effective. Jewellery ones are of limited use for car parts but plenty of larger ones available for not too much. Not suggesting you get one of the size I was using:

but check what you choose is large enough for your needs.

[Wibble]

Oh, latest ones have “pulse” technology and I can confirm this is a bonus, as the last one we bought had this.

[S2000]

1 hour ago, Wibble said:

I used ultrasonic cleaning for years and can confirm it’s very effective. Jewellery ones are of limited use for car parts but plenty of larger ones available for not too much. Not suggesting you get one of the size I was using:

but check what you choose is large enough for your needs.

Went for a 10 litre after much faffing and cancelling, on the advice of friends who also want to borrow it! Main use will be motorbike parts, would love something like @Wibble but overkill for my garage.
 

RAC messaged to reschedule due to volume of call outs so now 7-12 in the morning, I’m ok with this as it allows me to drink cider and watch Glastonbury on the idiot box!

[Wibble]

10 litre sounds perfect for your needs. I hope it does all you want it to.

[stuboy]

thought id seen Norman motorcycles was familiar... 

 

 

[S2000]

18 hours ago, stuboy said:

thought id seen Norman motorcycles was familiar... 

 

 

I have the market cornered in south Oxford, I am considering becoming a main dealer 😂

[S2000]

The men in Orange attended site this morning, bless them I was the fourth call on shift and they were glad to do something other than change wheels in this heat. They were not able to get me mobile again as the tensioner has, well, stopped tensioning and imploded! The belt remains but it’s probably wearing its 126K well.

They followed me to my mechanics whom I’m sure will have it running by the time I’m back from Utrecht on Friday, I will ask them to do the water pump also as I suspect it’s the original to, can’t knock a bit of preventative maintenance!

Alternate transport arranged so all is good tbh I’m looking forward to a week of someone else paying for my beer and food and working with the Dutch.

[S2000]

A week in Utrecht not on the piss at company expense  with work in stupid heat was long. Love Utrecht and recommend it to all. In good news picked up the X5 today all fixed, the crank pulley belt dampener has been replaced. BMW wanted £846 for the part but it’s not what you know but who you know and it came in at a reasonable £205 plus fitting and Value Added Tax …..I prefer the term rip off Britain, however it’s mobile and did 150 miles today to fix the VPN on my works laptop that had gone US.

Im tired and properly shot, need to get the BINI ready for an MOT this weekend and the hybrid vehicle is moaning at me via the APP. 

[Ghosty]

Utrecht is like Amsterdam but better, quieter, less tourist-y. The Rietveld-Schroder house is well worth a visit. 

[S2000]

Rostio, not Rosti. I have taken a couple of days off work and today was spent de rusting one of the Norman Nippy tanks, getting ‘Post Office Red’ paint mixed and looking at plastic!
 

The plastic is a N57 manifold for the X5 with swirl flap delete from darkside developments, no pictures as I spent 5 hours methodically removing and reassembling the new inlet but I’m two gaskets short and I’m mulling an EGR delete also. I say mulling as I have spent half the purchase price of the car already on mechanicals and cosmetics, and would rather dump it into a TDV8 L322!

As the X5 is in bits I used the ‘pram’ today that passed its MOT last week, @Bear not a PT cruiser but the plate is better than the 7 digit it replaces. Great way too hood around the country roads with the roof down on the way to the pub!
 

[S2000]

My Aircon is broke, what do you mean broke, it smells like one of your farts and it’s not blowing cold anymore….. a conversation last week around the wife’s X1 latest offering. I did what any normal person would do after watching TastyClassics on YouTube, where he procured the eBay refill kit and did the same. 5 minutes later the blue skip on wheels was blowing cold again all for £34.99, I call that a result, happy wife, happy life.

My usual Sunday involves Dog walking and then a lazy few hours drinking beer, if you don’t know, my friend Ray can only drink Gluten free beer, and he likes to tell everyone so now you know too! Sadly for me I have imposed a drink ban until next Saturday as I have a week from hell ahead of me and want to try and get into a regime of going out on my MTB this week, that meant with a good spell of weather I started to lay the paint on the Nippy.

 

 

I chose Post Office Red and managed to get a few coats on, I’ll finish it tomorrow then leave it a couple of Days before I lacquer it. Reassembly next then I can work on the other one before the end of summer. I need to finish off the X5 too but  the gaskets are lost in the post office, I will get them through the local garage as Im off to Pendine sands next weekend!

[S2000]

And..... Flaps away chaps, I cannot take credit for all of this work firstly, but this is what the inlet manifold on a 126K BMW M57 looks like. The image with the green gasket basically connects to the EGR and it was properly coked up, the EGR was very bad also with 'spoonfuls' of sooty tar coming out of it.... not good hence the reason it was replaced. The Red gasket is for the cylinder at the end of the inlet and although very sooty, it was not the worst, closest to the EGR the flaps were very coked up with restricted movement. The manifold has been replaced with a new one with a swirl flap delete from https://www.darksidedevelopments.co.uk , interesting to note that the swirl flap actuator must have been working hard as the rail that runs through the flaps was very stiff. The final shot is some of the soot that came out of the inlet manifold. Thankfully all flaps were intact!

After a short run I put 'Carly' to work, cleared the codes and went for another run and the inlet pressure error I had has now gone, Im just left with an instrument cluster error (can bus) that I'm not to concerned about at the moment.

I have a long run circa 500 miles over this weekend so it will be interesting to see if the MPG alters above its 32MPG at my usual 75 cruising speed, I suspect it will not but with less restriction I should have more boost! (pretty irrelevant in a 2.5 ton brick).

When i purchased the Car I noted it talks of a Webasto diesel heater on a BMW info sticker in the engine bay, I managed to get it working today, it's a bit fiddly to set up through the iDrive but basically in the winter if I set it for 06:30 it will use the diesel heater to warm the inside which should negate de-icing the thing, a neat and costly extra I suspect has never been used, or a few times as a novelty!

 

 

[S2000]

No photos just verbiage, clocked just shy of 500 miles over two days, Chilterns to Pendine sands, with a detour to the ‘Mumbles’ on the way back this morning. If you have a high mileage BMW drizzle I strongly advise a swirl flap delete, two humans, 2 dogs and a boot full of detritus for wife and dogs (I took a toothbrush, debit card and a spare pair of pants!) air con set to 18 to keep the dogs cool and at a steady 78 on cruise returned 34.6 MPG. I say 78, I try to keep it at 2K revs or below on the motorway which is upto 80 ish, it maybe the ‘Halo Effect’ but it seems more punchy and free revving. 
 

Good news is the fuel economy increase, not much but I know what the state of the inlet was and it won’t get that way again. I’m not 100% on the gearbox when cold as first and second seem to hold for too long and change later than I would want it to, no issues when warm so I’ll put that down to age and mileage. It’s reliable abl comfortable, presentable and everything works which is ideal for its main purpose as Dog carrying mobile!

[S2000]

I love decorating, it’s all in the prep and as I’m not using my brain like the day job I find it therapeutic. The same goes for body work on vehicles, it’s a marathon not a race and all in the prep. I made a school boy error rushing.

I put a few guide coats down on the Nippy and on closer investigation the texture was full of dust, I’d been spraying in my garage with the door open and my drive acts as a wind tunnel so it must have kicked up the dust. Not a problem, during a lunch break filled a bucket with water hit it with some 1500 wet and dry and smoothed it down then washed it down with a sponge and let it dry.

 

 

Started applying the paint and straight off it was reacting which was a bit annoying considering the prep. I have to admit I was perplexed but started thinking through everything then remembered the bucket I use for washing the car and the sponge also, so adding water and using the same sponge I was washing it down with a very very diluted wash wax which must be causing the reaction…… I hope. School Boy error so took everything back to primer with fresh paper and clean bowl, water and wiped back with lint free paper.

It chucked it down earlier so rain stopped play, hopefully get a guide coat down tomorrow.

I went to look at a 2004 BMW 645 Coupe last night in High Wycombe, a mate saw it on his way home and gave me the details. As soon as I saw the blacked out rear lights and 99 quid NI plate I should have driven on, but being a glutton for punishment I stopped and endured billy bullshit owner. This thing wouldn’t even make Piston Heads shed of the week, think more ASM shed of the week, black on black, stunk of Jamaican woodbines, no history, 3 different Chinese ditch finders and more paint rash than a clap clinic…… ‘Only £3995 for this classic innit M8’ think I’d rather nail my balls to a black and decker workmate while watching Eldorado.