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A fleet of shite


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So. I thought I’d entertain* y’all with my trials and tribulations keeping my (mostly entirely boring) fleet of chod on the road. 
I’ll start with the current and if you’re all lucky* maybe include some history, garage relics/garden ornaments and future hopes and dreams.

It’s highly likely the thread may go down like a boat anchor and I’ll get bored of updating though a man can try hey. 

So. On he road and in use and at large. This here’s mostly the boring bit.

exhibit one;


r1100 gs 96 model oil boiler with that there new fangeled fuel Injection, first bike I’ve had with it seems all good to be fair. Cuts fuel splashage at turn of key when a pipe breaks loose and no tapping the float bowl. Also has abs which is frankly fucking dangerous as I use it a fair bit off road and it needs key off reset everyfuckingtime which is of zero help when you forget and are about to Chuck it off the side of the alps. The amount of times that ive been looking for which tree to grab before I ghost it into oblivion is more than I care to remember. 

Great bike mind, now running rt final drive so fast cruising a go go. Super reliable* much fun. Really didn’t think I’d like it, bought for a euro trip years ago and now probably run it till it dies. Does feel like it should have a steering wheel rather than bars but holds its own on road and off. Heavy cunt to pic up mind.


Currently  languishing in mid France after a ftp when gearbag shed its cogs.


Exhibit two;



soon to be ulez extension outlawed mk7 tranny. Roller painted in raf blue grey as gifted it with ruined back doors and wanted a window. All doors came in different colours less of an eyesore as stands. Land Rover steels with welded in centre bores and Jdm yo arch’s cos I’m cool as fuck. 

is my daily as builder by trade and semi converted tramper van as do lots of camping/ off roading/ doging when chance permits.


Lots. No really lots of welding done, they’ll be more next ticket same as every year for the last 2o odd of transit ownership. ( have had a few). It ain’t no banana but it’s alright. Shall enjoy it before relegated to horse and cart/milk float/dry bummed finance package in the soon coming future.

exhibit 3



Her 1.8 pez focus

its an car. It does ok. Seems a bit juicy dash said 23 mpg back from Devon which is worse than the transit did to Scotland though I was lead footing it and none of the four of us could be considered small people.  We had it 3 months or so, has been crashed into four times! Shame really as was clean when bought. Hopefully wright off with latest stoved in wing and becomes a free car. I’ll buy it back and put the money towards fuel, and oil. Burns a bit tadts plus is on 150k. Boot lock don’t unlock and it’s a bit vibey.

shes happy (for now) so all good. C1 piglet Toyota would be my choice though she’d really like a jag or capri which would be nice though time/money stretched enough already.

That’s it for current legit on the road. There’s lots more kicking around shall add when time if any interest. 




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Omg barn find bikeshite;


bmw rt spares for the gs

cb500 +2 reapers 

qr50 x 2 poss a good one between them. 

honda dommy. Had a few of these at least one still in there somewhere.

yam tdr 250 plus spare tzr motor. Never part with that one it’s a tool.

oh there’s a cg125 too and many others in various locations. 


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I can tell you’re all chomping at the bit to hear and see more. Do have a full on treat for you this time. This one’s not mine. Shame. 
34 chev belongs to the guy I work for first time I’ve seen it in the flesh today. He says if I work hard he’ll build another one for himself next year😂



Nice hey. It’s his way around the ulez. Running on lpg, never getting clamped or lifted. Winning. I’ve a vid too though not smart enough to load that up. 


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  • 2 weeks later...

Been a busy week of the back of this and working at the other side of town has taken its toll though nigh on a week as I type this happened. 

Everything starts with a cuppa. A smoke. Then a shit. Would of had a coffee chaser though supplies depleted in the flat. 
Up and at um early doors


Choose to ignore the last minute request to be 3 hours early and rocked up just over an hour before to have time for


Always coffee kicking about in the van. Got tooted up whilst poring it and stuck on the earlier ferry. Result.


Scorchio on the ferry even at 7 am took the coast road to le touquet and swam in the sea in shorts and pants. Drove the next 5 hours in my wet gear to keep cool before being reunited with the lovely couple who had been keeping an eye on the bm for me. All safe and sound and as left just with added bird shit and flat tyres. 


Cracking roads and scenery though but of a slap in a day. Trangia dinner from what I could muster, always forget France shuts on Sundays! Then kip under canvas and sleep like a log.

Lazy start as knackered and choose to pay the tolls after Waze told me they were 11 euros. 34 euros later I’m in Calais 4 hours early. Hit up the carrifore then found a nice square for a feed and people watching. 9C134893-8F99-49C8-AF02-00F97638ABE6.thumb.jpeg.d30dfe34ac0dcf81eee9ee478e464335.jpeg
never spent much time in Calais some bits are quite nice

no chance of early boat this time though nice sunset at the port which I failed to get a pic of. Spirited drive back as really really just wanted my bed by that point, didn’t happen as seemed to be a party going on when I got home so no sleep till gone three. Up for work a few hours later bikes back though still resides here.

ive got some time tomorrow so will at least unpack and wash it though sitting around and scoffing cheese, saucisson and vino sounds better. 



Edit for exciting* update;

Hey GS, meet Karcher. Yes I apologise you’ve not met before maybe this along with all the fresh oil and service items/new and second hand parts I’ve lavished you with you will stop being a little bitch and leave me stranded no more. What you cry? Your gearbox is still full of shrapnel? Get up lad the Germans are used to doing better than this in France sort your life out son. 
Anyway. Clean.


should of oh so easy but no. Flat battery in van. How/why tf I do not know. Nothing left on and only a week since nigh on thousand mile road trip which should of done it the world of good. No sweat just put it on charge. Van blocking garage with charger inside. Hugnnnnnnnh. Lots of heave ho plenty of running up and downstairs for fuckabout with none functioning extension lead extended with wagos as I live on he top floor of the block. All the usual getting downstairs don’t have the keys for this and that and running about like a twat but yeah clean.


bit battered underneath though that’s off road hey


tyres again flat. Need to grab some sploge and reseat them this is getting boring especially as now it’s a push about machine which doesn’t go under its own steam.  Did again find more coffee getting the elephant out the van mind.

Battery back up to voltage now shall take to parking that in hilltop start position and monitor. Suspect it’ll want a fresh one before winter at least. 
Next job is strip the box of the spares rt which is actually an rs, I know this as found the log book this morning whilst looking for the old Megane log book which I scrapped last month then forgot to notify the dvla, pretty sure it’s still sorn so buys me some time.  Progress is progress hey and some is better than none. 

Edited by Rustybullethole
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  • 3 weeks later...

Obviously clean forgot to park van in hill top start position and predictably when I really needed to be somewhere it decided it was happy to just sit where parked. Got it on charge and had just enough space to squeeze in this Kia booster pack which amazingly didn’t help it at all.



Best part of a days wages handed over the counter at halfords and by the time I got back it fired. Just needed showing the new battery to coax it into life. 

Battery ride shotgun and was promptly fitted next time I turned it off and it wouldn’t restart. 
The little Kia was a ulez builders wip for two weeks whilst fitting a kitchen in battersea. It has no back seats and mostly rides around on the bump stops. Turns out roof is not strong enough for three lengths of worktop but hey, welcome to the firm. 
Focus got repaired on insurance, they’ve done a nice job of it. Seems stuff isn’t getting written off as much with the inflated prices at the mo. Welded up the sills on a mates one the other week and he’s gonna sort the boot lock out as return favour.  She’s had a spanky Kia Sportage for the week though prefers the focus which is a  result. We’ll be sticking to the buy cheap then bridge it approach. 
RS gearbox is out


All gears present which is a result. Is leaky both ends so will need some love before being refitted. Done for the day now maybe a bit more progress tomorrow. 1017987B-8EFB-4305-8F3C-C26802F1638F.thumb.jpeg.366688f9d7b6caf707b5b618fcdcade4.jpeg

few other treasures unearthed whilst digging out the rs. 

One of the cbs and one of the qrs just visible. And on the other side sits the tdr 


Did a count up last night have 14 bikes that I can recall. A grand total of none of them are currently working. Clearly need a new one. 

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Some GS progress. Been in here before sorting the clutch much faster second time around. A few hours work had me here;


shaft and box out as one as I still don’t own a 12mm Allen key. Welding nuts on a bolt snapped the bolt last time 10mm and flat head was looking like a rounding off disaster was on the cards so that will wait till I’ve borrowed proper tools. Limited options to buy on a Sunday. 
lack of 7mm Allen key no sweat. These are low torque on the bevel box.


May have forgot to drain the oil


smacked the crown wheel out and replaced the seal so final drive isn’t constant loss.

Set about cleaning up the box from the spares RS. No idea if the ratios are different in it shall wait and see. Looks like it will fit and that’s good enough for me.


Am pretty sure all the filth is from a spent main seal in the spares engine. The previous owner is sadly no longer with us so am guessing a bit at the history. He was a good friend to many and it brings me pleasure that his old bike is living on keeping my jalopy on the road. 
Got a few bits to order up though hope to be proceeding with forward motion fairly soon. 
There’s other easier to fix bikes in the fleet but I like this one more. Comfy on a run and great on the lanes. Big lazy bugger. Bit like me. 
Best get back down there and cover up the throttle bodies and get the washing in. No need to lock that one up tonight. 

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  • 4 weeks later...

So. Progress report. Status; Forever going backwards. 
GS 1100, super excited to have it running well with a full compliment of gears so took it up the woods as had a feeling no one would be there as her Madge was getting buried live on tv. Turns out I was wrong though didn’t upset anyone and had some fun crossing logs and found a few jumps. Dropped it on a log crossing and was hard to start when uprighted. Not good. It’s been on its side a bit and this is not usually an issue thanks to those lecky carburettors. Got going then died and repeat. Headed down hill no joy on a bump. Pushed it out of the woods luckily passing plod were deep in chit chat and drove straight past.
Curb side diagnostics revealed a bashed side stand switch and no sparks. Further investigation revealed wires going nowhere from said stand and a fag break time out helped me remember riding off with stand down anyway ( nearly didn’t roundabout). Walk home get van leave it in there for a bit as bored of fixing it. 
After a week or two I dived in;8122BD4C-9149-4958-8E7F-CEBAEF338CFB.thumb.jpeg.4dbb5601521389bb5a54894b651079be.jpeg

Power to coil though none out. Brand new second hand coil fitted with admittedly in hindsight weak spark though out that down to the bright glare of my footwear. 
Tank on it tried a bit though ultimately failed. Arse.

Bit of research surgests crank sensor is likely culprit. Great joy. To be fair it shouldn’t be that hard( bollocks I’ve said that now) a job just am a little tierd of fixing the thing plus it’s now dark in the evenings too. Out in the yard it sits with a few other broken stable mates for company. 


Doing what it does well needs a service shall be doing that soon but…


Ran the mrs to work as needed her motor for a ulez dash for fucked knee appointment. Hit a speed bump and heard the unmistakable clang of a spring letting go. Only other noise I’ve had like it was when I left the wheel brace on the rocker cover of my metro which slid into the belt then punched a dent in my bonnet. Just around the corner from her work so proceeded with caution then had a look. Defo broke. Couldn’t miss my appointment so carried on regardless then dumped it behind the gate back at the flat awaiting springs and the weekend. 


Another coffee then best get on with it. Maybe some bacon and egg is required too.



Edit; seemingly broken at the bottom for some time as rusty as fuck. New breakage at the top. Never had this issue on my older motors seems common these days. 


This lot still ain’t fixed themselves. Sad times. 


 it of course started to rain so up goes the gayzeebo.


fronts in then rears done too.


drives lovely is actually plusher than before which is a first for lowering a car for me. Dead pleased 😀 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Just found these pics whilst looking for some clean pants to wear. I was only 17 and it stole my heart away, seems like….

 I had more than a few cars by this point and fortunately got away with it. I’d also been working since 13 and stashing some cash so was able to go fully legit as soon as I passed my test. Took a while to get used to driving with a licence though was normally loaded and stinking of contraband which added to the paranoia. Paid 350 for this, it had a refreshed A+ 1tr in it that my mate carried from the shed to the curb. Belter of a motor and out gunned some 1.3s. Happy days. 5B5F1F73-1FE6-45D9-870C-12EDCD3621B7.thumb.jpeg.c8123e213acef2b3669626bdb7759cb1.jpeg

As per pics it went downhill rapidly. I of course crashed it.


Was none fault on my part though lost my no claims all the same and the ability to afford insurance on four wheelers for a year or two. Being a strong minded individual this injustice didn’t stop my car driving career and although being neither big or clever I got away with that till could afford to go fully legit again. 

The metro turned out to have had rivet on sill repairs that the mot man didn’t like so was sold off cheap to another pal along with a 1.3 four door I’d run for a bit (that’s another story)  I bought some adidas with the £50 proceeds. If only I knew how to weld back then and still had it now. Same could be said for a lot of the old motors though had a soft spot for that one as first legit. 
All time favourite will always be me first car the booted  white chevette with tartan interior and red sports steering wheel. Owned that a 14 obviously kept secret from my parents and pretty much taught myself how to drive bringing it home after paying a grand total of 20 quid. Written off by a *mate in my absence who borrowed it with a penknife without consent. Am not a violent man and have always tried to channel zen though still brings me the rage 30 years down the line. Forgive and forget. Put the matches down. 

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  • 1 month later...

Well. How’s all my shite performing I hear literally no one ask. 
Let me tell you. 
Been away to to see family for three weeks prior Xmas had no time to tend to much other than quick once over on the focus that’ll be relied upon in my absence. Seemed alright, had to get a pal to sort a slow when out the country though was only complaint. Came back home and drive it seems to have developed a death rattle sounds like a bag of shit. Compounded this by lumping it into a bollard in the snow on the side that hadn’t just been repaired. Now looks like a bag of shit too. Bollocks.

Van fired on some sure for men(it don’t let you down) I’d run it dry and remember it cutting out on way up the hill before parking it up hours before departing for my flight. It then got snowed in and not moved for another two weeks upon which time it decided to crank and not fire. For shit. Run out of sure in the process. Fucksake.


could be the little bastards who nibbled these nibbling wires, mystery crank sensor fuckury, timing jumped, ghost of Xmas past.

Bleed bleed squirt squirt stinky dirty bastard thing. 

Maybe it’ll be the fuel light roulette, maybe it’ll be shit in the primary pump. Maybe I’ll drop the tank tomorrow. Probably not if it starts again in the morning as good as it’s been and still is it’ll be going in the bin in not many months as ulez outlawed. Petrol van incoming soon.

Ain’t had time for the bikes. Have a nc 7 on loan for road duties. Went to watch mates race the Boxing Day enduro. Race bike is what I feel to fix next. Been missing that. 

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So did it start. No. Hell no. 







So bit if shite around the filter though didn’t think enough to cause much issue. Return pipe to the filler neck had split on the tank. I closed loop cause fuel pump issues? Not sure about that might be grasping at straws. Have had it fired shall pull the air box and get one of the kids to rev the tits off it whilst I get covered in diesel again. Am pretty minky already though at least it takes the edge off the fox shit hey. 
If nothing more at least I’ll have exhausted all the free options*

* Or maybe not. What’s that old adage about a percentage of fueling problems being ignition problems. Am now pretty sure if the chuffing ignition barrel and have been barking up the wrong tree. Oh how I laughed. 

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On 1/2/2023 at 9:17 PM, Asimo said:

Bastard thing, no wonder Sadiq is expelling them.

Indeed. It’s a runner again which is nice. New barrel list in the up the spout postal system somewhere though a bit of jiggling has this far returned it to ultra reliable. It’s still a good van at 150 odd k in the flush of youth really engine wise. I had a proper look at the gov site and the scrappage offer is 5k to scrap or Innoticed convert to compliance so all is not lost yet.

No stereo so am making do with the site one. A key jiggle on the move let’s me see engine temp and fuel though the speedo seems to be underestimating progress somewhat. Shall download one on my phone till barrel and switch arrive.


Went to see my other ford dirty diesel today. It’s parked up a way from me so haven’t seen it in a while. Part of my visit this morning was to sus out more bing it as the land owner is wanting it gone. 
Well hello. Long time no see.

Have big plans for this


Hmm is that graffiti on the side. Oh fucks sake.


Sadly some utter scumbags have been at it. 
Bigtime. I am sad. It’s a crying shame that racist graffiti is still a thing. If someone had done a nice big peice on it or even a colourful throw up I wouldn’t of been that bothered. 


Oh of course they’ve smashed the front screen in too. Of course they have. 
See you again hey. You better hope not you little     pricks that really wouldn’t work out well for you.

A sad start to the day that. Fucksticks.


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  • 3 weeks later...

 Not a great deal done of late. Cleaned the offensive bits of graffiti off the cargo. There’s an ad on here though needless to say my door hasn’t been beaten down yet. Should put it up for mainstream sale though still living in hope I’ll find somewhere for it to live. And a front screen. 
Transit now fully fixed. Ignition switch sorted the lot east cheap fix after much faf but hey done now. 

Have another bike on loan which at first I really didn’t jell with as felt more appliance than motorcycle. The more miles I click the more it makes sense. 
Behold the NC 


Taped up the levers as they hold the cold which made it a bit more bareable then eventually found and added some bar muffs which I’m now a massive fan of.


It’s looked like this every morning the last week or so at the start of the commute and many days still has ice on it when it gets home in the evening. 

Runs nice with the cold air mind, handles well and importantly very frugal. It’s a great commuter being nimble and high seat is good for vision. 
Mate has done nothing more than put it through an mot since he got it so gave it a treat yesterday.


Thinknit need this.


Fork seal was weeping down to the bottom of the fork leg. Had been ignored as non brake side. Hopefully a clean out will save it for a bit, normally does.


Lubed the cables up and checked all the vitals.

Shall order up front and rear pads as both getting low. Mate don’t want it back till may. He won’t sell it though. Shame. 

I’ll be using this one for the dragon rally unless I get round to fixing the bimmer. Prob use this anyway as it inspires a lot more confidence in reliability than that ungrateful German heap.

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  • 1 month later...

Mate had a police bike safe course yesterday so the NC was dropped back Friday night complete with full service and new pads front and rear, new flasher unit as the old one packed up and a set of fork oiL and dust seals yet to be fitted. 
This left me with no ride home. Fortunately and load of the boys were round the garage so we pushed in another moto which has been a garden ornament for the last few years. Efforts were concentrated on freeing the fully seized throttle and making it go braaaapp. 
Behold my new ride.


Just done some admin shite and had breakfast shall step out and give it a once over in a bit. It needs some love that’s for sure.

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Initial assessment complete. 

It’s hanging. 
On the plus side it sounds a strong motor and pulls well for a single. The lights work. It has brakes and they are now unseized and pins greased up. 
The downsides are it’s mainly held together with zip ties and wood screws. The headlight flapping in the wind as is the noisy end can. It has play in the swing arm pivot and linkage. The pivot spins freely though is not currently loosening or tightening. Seats ripped and there’s a glove under the fuel cap presumably stopping the two stroke mix it’s running on from leaking down my trousers. That seems to be doing a good job at least. Oh it has heated grips! They don’t work. The indicator switch has snapped and the gear lever was loose as the bolt had been out in the wrong way round. Timeless school boy error. 
Happy days.

Edit; I forgot to say the rear shock has seen better days and the fork seals are of course leaking. Ran out of time as got to take number two child out shopping. 
Just locked it up for the day which may have involved a full chav lidless blat up and down the road. It does a mean wheelie. 

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  • 3 weeks later...

So the bimmer one pot has been out to work. Still needs a lot of love and have now got a lot of the bits to sort it though not the time yet.

Oil and filter in the back of the van plus sprocket carrier bearing (is flapping massively quite surprised ain’t flung the chain) air filter on back order have the oil and dust seals for the forks too.

Could well argue the priorities are all wrong but shit gets done as it turns up. Has a proper pair of hand guards now which are hidden under a pair of cheapo bar muffs. They bash the clocks on full lock though there’s plenty of flex due to only one wood screw holding the plastic housing on. My mate did add another two last Friday though I needed them to hold a smoke alarm up at work so had them away and added structural gaffer tape.


Have put a few hundred miles on it all fair local, had some shite traffic commutes and days where I could get away without the van always a pleasure to be in two wheels. 


Has a decent rack so all sorts been strapped to that. Henry rode shotgun to Mile End but made a shit labourer as things turned out. Helped not a fuck with the lifting shit to the roof and didn’t even make the tea.



Stuck a high level front mudguard on it as the old one seemed not to catch most of the road/mud spray and chucked it in my face.

End can fell off and turned from bastard load to hounds of hell nasty. I’ve bodged it for now have better options in stock when I get the time.

It’s a typical BM. Bit of an enigma. Will ride sedate if you wish, more so than any big single I’ve rode though it’s also very short and will loft the front without trying. 
Loads to do think this will keep me busy a while. It is a long term loan so can boost it about and try get some of mine up for sale when the weather warms.

Picked this beautiful thing up Friday and dead chuffed with it.


Been looked after by one of our own and drives well for it. It’s a little cosmetically challenged though not worried about that in the slightest. 
Shall get used as work vehicle for the foreseeable though may become the family runabout when I find the funds for another big van that’s allowed to roam the streets of London with out dry bumage. 
Had a merc trim in the garage for years I found by the side of the road has poshed it up a treat might hunt for more. Added tint to windows as it’s a bit goldfish bowl and I’ll be carrying tools. 
Never driven one before and have to say I really like it. Seems to sip the petrol daintily too which is good.


Have dug out an old head unit and grabbed an iso cable as I do like my tunes. Have a spare set of 6x9s too though they will need boxes made. Roof and tow bars next on the cards. 
It’s a cracking little thing really didn’t think I’d like it so much. Happy days.

Oh my youngest loves it too. Says it looks like a Beluga whale.


And they’re right. 

Just finished off the tints side windows not too bad one has a few bubbles as I left everything out overnight and the cold don’t help. Ran an extension lead and got the hair dryer on the next one which came out the best of all. Side windows come out on three screws so I used the furry rear shelf as my clinically clean bench (not advisable). First time I’ve done this not really a tint fan though does the job I need won’t be so worried about leaving stuff in there plus i can bust a shit in a bucket in the back now when caught short on site. Back window was a mare loads of bubbles! Think I did well to get the film off my face and stuck so calling it a win. Should in hindsight applied from inside instead of upside down! Obvious really, bit of a brain fart. Live and learn. 


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1 minute ago, doug said:



Feel your pain.


Sent from my SM-A127F using Tapatalk


Ah shit man! Did you rebuild it? Ain’t broken into mine yet as had a spare so whacked that in. It’s a great bike has taken me many places though after four ftp’s I’ve lost the love. Thinking to fix the lost sparks and punt it on. Hate selling stuff and when it runs again I’ll enjoy it. It’s great off road which is what I love though its weight does limit options. Have a mate who’d use it might gift it to them.

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Ah shit man! Did you rebuild it? Ain’t broken into mine yet as had a spare so whacked that in. It’s a great bike has taken me many places though after four ftp’s I’ve lost the love. Thinking to fix the lost sparks and punt it on. Hate selling stuff and when it runs again I’ll enjoy it. It’s great off road which is what I love though its weight does limit options. Have a mate who’d use it might gift it to them.
No I didn't rebuild it. I got another gearbox as well. Best of luck!

Sent from my SM-A127F using Tapatalk

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  • 2 weeks later...

So. Done about a k in the beluga and all mostly good. Nice to be petrol and car like can’t say have missed the big van much yet… sure I will.

Bought some roof bars for 40 quid and got gifted a rack. Had already been cut down must of been for a bus as pretty large.


Two lifts of ally tower on there will cart much more I’m sure. Chopped it down a bit as front overhang was silly.


e30 bm trims for this side thought it looked well. Spotted out the window earlier seems I’ve flung one so back to one exposed rusty steel. Matches the windows slightly all good. 


Been checking the vitals like you do. Slightly alarming tinge of oil in expansion tank. No other  obvious signs of doom shall give it a flush in time. I am currently burying head in sand and choosing to believe someone thought it was the oil fill at some point in its 19 years of happy motoring. Don’t boil when pushed on a run or in traffic. Fine and dandy. 

One pot bummer has had a service thrown at it. Like I say the engine is sweet the rest is shite. Oil pretty grim and sump nut chewed to fuck. Had to hammer a six sided 23 on it to open it up and then strip half the bike to drain the oil tank cos Bmw. Much swearing ensued though found and rectified the hunting issue in the process by masticing in the airflow sensor. So much is rattling loose on this thing drill and cable ties required. 



refitted the sump guard and put away tools the found this from an oil feed whilst dumping the waste oil. 

That’ll be the one I thought stayed in place. Bastard. 
Last job of the day was pull the rear wheel and sort bearings in cush drive. Should be no drama though of course was a war. Stalled for the day as need a puller, no beating these fuckers out as Germany has seen fit for reinvention of engineering again and added a circlip between the two bearings which of course the spacer is fully seized into. Bastards. 
Have a new/old tyre on though and the bike is held to the railings out the front of the block by ratchet straps sans wheel.





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  • 2 weeks later...

Not a lot been happening lately. Anyone notice a theme?

Last weekend was due to be doing the southern tet loop with a bunch of mates. It rained like fuck tail end of week which I’d deem prefect as makes the trails more challenging. 
Did mean also that I should sort a decent front hoop out luckily a mate dug out an old one which would do better than then worn and very old one that was on it. 
Had a mare of a day at work then loaded up the chains he needed for his nc. I didn’t know which was which so bought the two with me, ones for the bimmer though have deemed it ok for now (least of it’s issues).

Arive at pals collect tyre chat shit for a while. Go to leave and see my backpacks open. ‘’I give you them chains yeah?”

After ascertaining he wasn’t on a wind up I retrace my tracks.


And the other further up the road.


£70 quid each them fuckers. Zip had broke on my backpack which it did again on way back to find them chains.  I noticed that the only keys I have for both my vans were still in the bag. Shit day but lucky fucker.

Went to see another mate for a second pair of eyes and a better selection of tools to sort the cush drive. Curb side mechanics had the old bearings out in pieces . A mix of heat/beat/finesse/beer and bodegry was employed and them we sat around bitching about Germans with his little bro who’s just come back from a day of being a bmw car apprentice spanner twiddler.


As said rain was coming hard and fast so tyre was fitted the night before the off in the comfort of my downstairs neighbours landing by the bin cupboard 


Well wheel off as stinks down there. Tyre fitted as they usually are on the kitchen floor. 



And good to go.


Early doors camping gear loaded and hit the road. Left late so decided a2/m25 to meeting point with the boys was the way to go plenty time on the trails ahead. Only done a quick blat through the local woods on this bike so was looking forward to a lighter steed despite its issues. Can always ride around them amd the blown shock adds comedy value.

Hit the slip for the a2 amd the rain starts to sting my eyes. Think about donning the Goggles that are on the back of my lid. Need to find my spare quick strap that things a godsend. Without it I have to glf them take off both hands  to fit goggles fuck it I’ll be fine have ridden many thousands of miles without them what’s the worst that can happen.

Well. Let me tell you.
A2 opens to national limit by dartford heath. Coming up on the back of a merc who could of been using either of the inside lanes then wack. Full pelt to the right eye am seeing stars. Drop back in am feeling pretty close to a ko speedo last seen reading 80 and was on the gas. Fuck me that hurt. That was bad. It didn’t knock me out though I’m still alive. Lucky fucker again. This time very lucky fucker.

Its funny how your brain works in shock. I’ve a fair high pain threshold which for recovery is great though sometimes my post injury judgement is questionable. 

Pretty much instantly lost vision. I can see a bit but it’s cloudy. A dab with my gloves shows blood. Well that’s happened init. I ponder what to do whilst making progress I could stop and check though part of me doesn’t want to know. Come off at the 25 and think again I should check it out. Decide in my infinite wisdom that it would be best to meet the boys then assess and hopefully carry on. They’re only five miles away. Needs a hand over it on the 25 as the cold hurts. Must be an open gash under eye I think and the cold getting in is the pain. Hope it don’t need stitches shall clean it and she’ll be reet. 
Am the second man at the meeting point. George is impressed with the damage and we piss ourselves laughing for a bit before I go in the garage to buy some water and clean it up. 
Lools clean. Whatever hit it wasn’t to dirty and my vision seems to be impaired because well, my eyes fucked. 

I decide that after a week it’s time to take up smoking again. 
Other lads rock up and whilst we laugh about gaffer tape eye patches and hitting the trails my heart is sinking with the realisation that I’m missing this one out and actually I might be a bit fucked. Al rocks up with his sensible hat on. After getting genned up that it was not the resault of a night before punch up he takes a look and says what is needed. You’re going to hospital Will.

It’s what I’d thought on impact. Like I say shocks a funny fucker and can inhibit judgement. I trust these boys a lot we’ve been through some shit together.

Nearest hospital is tonbridge. I put my foot down and say I’m going moorfeilds. Have learnt to not fuck about in the past with locals and due to experience have a great knowledge of the best hospitals. The lads won’t let me ride alone and after patching me pirate style (bandage then covered both eyes whilst donning crash hat haha) escort me back to Woolwich where I can dump my bike at the flat and train it up town.



Shall spare you the open eye shots it’s a bit grim.

Two internal bleeds and bruised retina and some other shit I’ve forgotten.
Moorfeilds we’re great so glad I went there. Sent me onto kings to cat scan for broken face though came back all good.

Week later and vision still ain’t back. It works now and again though very blurry always and once this week lost all sight in it which scared me enough to go back to moorfeilds. Apparently that’s the eye drops doing there thing! And maybe the additional eye and headache was possibly last nights hang over in hindsight. Again glad I went as peace of mind is scary losing sight.

Have one pisshead and one pill head eyeball. Apparently that’s normal too haha.


Anyway back to the motors.

Bikes not been used since as has no mirrors and right hand life saver involves letting go of the left bar amd doing a 270 rotation on he saddle. Not ideal plus I’ve needed tools/materials wbryday this week. Berlingo going just fine jacked it up earlier to find the rattle. Pretty sure it’s topmounts as thought it would be. Fuckum they can wait. Has done some weird electrical crap now and again which makes me fear omg bsi fail though keeps plodding on so ain’t too bothered. Bit more sludge in header tank today no ther symptoms of doom will flush and fill with water when the frosts cease as I ain’t wasting coolant on disagonises. In true head burrowing style I have found some loose trim which I’ll pretend is the knocking and hold the belief someone has topped the expansion tank with oil by mistake. The random lecky shite will be a sticky button I’m sure.

Oh I did rubber bung the one premium branded tyre this morning amd it seems to have held. 

Spares a goodun so shan’t worry. Quick look whilst I had the jack out and it seems a sill patch would see it right bodywise. It’s no oil painting cosmetically though I care not. It’s putting in sterling service.

Crack on. 



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Fix some of the issues. No mate. Priorities man. Think this is the longest I’ve owned a vehicle without installing a wicked entertainment system. 
£8 quid for a iso connection cable and a frankly very hard to swallow £5fuckingpounds for some speaker connection dodas and a day of my one eyed life has me a very happy man. Had some 6x9’s kicking about and some 18mm mdf. Head unit wiped out the transit and we have loud as fuck none farty mobile disco wagon.

 Og speakers past their best.



Only got as far as adding one of these fronts to the transit so wiped that out. The 6x9’s had been knocking about since the scudo went.



Happy lad 




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Berlingo is still rolling and putting in work.



Weight doesn’t seem to upset it too much it remains slow.

Arty spring shot cos why not 


Keyring has seen fit to run with the disability vehicle vibe.


All good here.


Turns out a previous owner who mistakenly added oil to the expansion tank retained a key and the desire to carry on their service schedule for new owners.



Not given it the flush yet. Not sure it’ll bring good news so haven’t made the time. Am starting to think if it needs the head off then maybe the best route is to drop a 1.6 in there which I can inspect and fettle in time at ease out of the motor then drop it in within a day. Need the motor for work so pulling the head and finding it needs work would be a pain plus if I’m going to the bother plus belt/pump/tensioner then maybe spending that time on a fruity lump would make it all more worthwhile.

It also sometimes turns the lights on all by itself. Head up display talks craziness on the regular and occasionally it’ll loose the hooter. Mad French.

 I do like it so am earing towards perseverance. This may be misguided.

2.0 gti lump would be a giggle. 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Thousand miles in with the berlingo mostly stop start around town with a few runs thrown in. 
still proving to be a decent useful donkey. 

Noticed they have jet washed the sandstone since I last parked here. Good to know I’m keeping someone employed with every vehicle I bring here.


Been keeping an eye on the fluids regularly only had to top up the header tank once. There’s still oil in there surprisingly enough though still no mixing visible on the dip stick or in the rocker cover. Opened the bonnet last week to check and found that I’d not replaced the oil cap like a cock.


minimal splash on the underside of the bonnet and still good in the stick thank fuck. Had noticed it sounding a little noisier. What a twat. Could have been a lot worse. 

Fixed that


Drove about for a week like that till new cap arrived. 

Have a made a decision. Better the devil you know and all that. Fingers crossed the heads alright and can have it back together in a day. 

Gone for the full shebang gasket kit and bolts, belt, tensioner and water pump. Just need to find the time to fit it all now been busy this weekend maybe next or a couple of evenings if I don’t need it for work.

Roof rack continues to be very useful. May have been a tad overloaded here…


Focus passed its test with just an advisory for an oil leak. Think it’s the rocker cover. Happy with the result there it continues to a decent daily.

Haven’t ridden since dong my eye in, bikes all still need a bit of love. All in good time.


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All back together turns fine on crank and now key. No start. May need to walk away from it today for the greater good. 


done a BSI (bullshit implant) reset then cranked again and no joy. Smelt a bit fuely. Seems to be pissing from the fuel rail. Not surprised thought that soft cheese quality new fangled carb plastisium would course grief. 

Tonight it can sit down here with all the other broken shit and have a word with itself. 


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1 hour ago, Rustybullethole said:


All back together turns fine on crank and now key. No start. May need to walk away from it today for the greater good. 


done a BSI (bullshit implant) reset then cranked again and no joy. Smelt a bit fuely. Seems to be pissing from the fuel rail. Not surprised thought that soft cheese quality new fangled carb plastisium would course grief. 

Tonight it can sit down here with all the other broken shit and have a word with itself. 


Least you've another 2 days before work pal. Like you said, walk away for the night. Get pissed, inspiration will strike (always does) then van will work tomorow 👍

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