Tropes you see on the road

[Urko]

That bloke off High Peak motors on Youth Tube did a video of himself collecting a BMW 1 series.  He is a car dealer and he said he normally swerves 1ers as they are invariably bought by people who think MOT is a service, fit the cheapest death rings they can get, drive everywhere at Mach1 and the interiors are always sticky and full of old McDonalds wrappers and odd chips.  

[bangernomics]

Connor. He’s 20 and has a massive head shaped like a gas meter with a soft fluffy close beard that they all seem to have these days. He works doing something manual, not a skilled job though. His older colleagues all fucking hate him because he’s a complete liability watching TikTok while he’s supposed to be a look out. His spare time is mostly in the local pub doing lines of washing up powder and driving round in his (delete as appropriate) 1 Series/A4/Aclass. Despite having an active job he has a BMI of over 60 bought upon by consuming a jumbo Kebab wrap daily. Drives like a complete wanker, has all the usual mods - shit remap, 3D plates, spoiler from Wish.com. 

Hilarious gas meter head describes my friends son to a tee even works on the railways as a lookout.


Gzongenflatch
In memory of Phil.

[sierraman]

2 minutes ago, bangernomics said:

Hilarious gas meter head describes my friends son to a tee even works on the railways as a lookout.


Gzongenflatch
In memory of Phil.

Forgot a really shit sleeve with writing in that script Ford use. Despite having little experience of life and living with his mum it’ll quote something really wistful. Constantly has his pasty fucking arse poking out the top of his £10.99 joggers from Saramart. 

[Lord Sterling]

Bentley Continental Jim

Jim is in his 50s, tanned and has a head full of Turkish-plucked hair. He is fairly wealthy, has a coke habit and seems fairly unhinged.

He owns a Bentley Continental because he convinces himself that he likes the finer things in life when in fact he just wants to show off as he craves attention.

As part of his unhinged act, he acts like an entitled brat, he'll park in bus stops and disabled bays and barrels over pedestrian crossing whether someone is there or not. Anyone that tries to challenge him gets a shouty mouth full of abuse.

He brags constantly about having owned and driven XR2s and XR3s etc.... when in fact the reality is that he owned a Fiesta 1.1 Popular Plus and a 1.4 CL Escort as he hasn't always been as wealthy as he is now.

[Lord Sterling]

Busy Mum Debbie Range Rover

Think of Debbie as a clean and serene Chantelle Slum Mum mixed with Catherine Tate's Posh Mum. Debbie is a "yummy" Mummy, lives the leafy suburbs of a thrusting central city.  She drives a new Range Rover whilst middle to upper manager husband Mark has a new-plate company BMW 730d.

Whilst can tell the difference between a Jimmy Choo shoe and a George by Asda pump, she couldn't tell the difference between a VW Golf and a Ford Fiesta. 

Like Jemima Sloane-Ranger Mk2, Debbie likes the high commanding driving position and ease of which to drive the vehicle, plus the "image" of which she thinks it portrays. To most other road users, she's a liability as she barrels down the road almost commanding others to move out of her way.

Invariably she'll use the Range Rover for small trips to the shops, school run and going to the gym. It'll never see countryside mud.

[Lord Sterling]

On 04/06/2024 at 17:56, Urko said:

That bloke off High Peak motors on Youth Tube did a video of himself collecting a BMW 1 series.  He is a car dealer and he said he normally swerves 1ers as they are invariably bought by people who think MOT is a service, fit the cheapest death rings they can get, drive everywhere at Mach1 and the interiors are always sticky and full of old McDonalds wrappers and odd chips.  

A mate of mine owns a BMW 1 Series and as much as I hate to blow my own trumpet, without me advising him, he'd have never understood the difference between an MoT and a service, so now he does get things done when they need doing.

Also, his car is an utter tip, he just dumps old clothes, shoes and those damn leaflets that get given out in town centres advertising some nightclub.

[dozeydustman]

On 03/06/2024 at 13:27, Lord Sterling said:

Aziz Uber

Aziz lives in the middle of the hustle and bustle of a busy city in one of those 50s/60s low-rise council blocks with poor parking. He's worked a series of low-end jobs before joining the Uber empire. Now he drives a 2016 Mercedes E220 CDi.

His car is his office and he works as many hours as he likes (within company policy guidelines if there are any) there are prayer beads and Islamic scriptures and an Eritrean flag hanging from the centre mirror. He has car seat covers and poundland floormats covering the original fitted floormats to keep the car clean and keep some sort of resale value.

Aziz is friendly and humble, if you happen to have a name of similar heritage I.e. Mohammed etc... he'll talk to you profusely about Islam and the Middle East/East Africa, if not, he'll ask you nice questions about where you've been and pretend to be interested in football.

Despite the fact that the Mercedes will do more miles than a travelling salesman's motor, due to its requirements as a taxi and Aziz being self-employed, it needs to be serviced on the dot and kept clean and ready, otherwise he doesn't have a job.

 

On 03/06/2024 at 13:37, Lord Sterling said:

Mahmood licenced Taxi

Mahmood Khan is a proper licensed cabby. He drives a Toyota Prius often very slowly because it "keeps running costs down".

Mahmood understands the kind of client he is picking up. If you happen to have a name like 'Mohammed' it'll be all "cash brother, cash" as he thinks it keeps the tax man off his cash. He is obviously read up on taxation, but what he saves isn't really worth it, he just plays it up like it is.

Mahmood may have another part job to top up the bank account possibly to put away for repairs/servicing to his Toyota. 

Sounds very much on the same vein as 'Luxury Airport Transfer'....

[Lord Sterling]

Martin "average bloke" Insignia

Martin is violently average, average haircut, average 'Martin Freeman' face, average clothing, average job, just an average and even a forgettable bloke. Martin is what comes before 'Boring Clive' a younger version.

He drives a Vauxhall Insignia 2.0 CDTi, it'll either be company issued or most likely bought. He has interests including learning jujitsu but cars don't interest him, so long as it works, is fairly recent and doesn't cost the earth to run, it suits him.

His wife, Linda will invariably drive a small people carrier, think Zafira or some sort of crossover.

Martin though, does look after his car (and Linda's when he has to) it'll get new tyres, be generally MoT ready state.

He'll often handle vehicular paperwork such as MoTs and insurance, except thay one time when he forgets to renew Linda's insurance for which she'll get pulled over and done for, she'll blame Martin who'll be in the doghouse for a month.

[Lord Sterling]

Jeremy "Smug" Dubber

Jeremy in his mid 50s, greying hair and lightly perma-tanned. He rides his bike and keeps himself fit. He is a fairly smug bloke who's life just seems to go whichever direction he points it at. He often always seems to achieve his modest aims with surprisingly positive results. He lives in a massively extended detached corner house with a swimming pool and pool table and manicured modern gardens on a quiet residential estate.

He has a wife and 2 kids of the "Victoria Cosmopolitan Influencer 500" and "Jamie ST" tropes, except because he has a deep passion for Volkswagen products, they'll respectively be driving a VW Lupo for Victoria and a tricked out Golf 1.4 TFSI on banded tyres for Jamie, whilst the wife has a VW Tiguan/T-Roc.

He has all the memorabilia and attends all the shows. In his collection he'll invariably have a T4/T5 van, a Type 2 holiday bus, a VW Bettle shell in the garage that he is restoring, a VW Polo breadvan tucked away in a dusty council garage and probably a Passat Estate for work/dog/parts runner car.

He turns his nose up at other marques feeling in his smugness that he is part of a community and is very proud of that. If anyone talks to him about classic cars, he'll steer it towards VW products and how they are superior to others.

[martc]

On 31/05/2024 at 16:32, Lord Sterling said:

Brexit Bob 

Brexit Bob outwardly dislikes anything "furrin"

Bob scored a 52-plate BMW X3 2.0d with manual gearbox,

Bob's BMW will sport the largest poppy available, cable tied to the grille.

He does not understand the irony of this, what with BMW being the Luftwaffe's supplier of choice for aeroplane engines. Just look at the badge, they're not hiding anything.

[dozeydustman]

Patricia.

Patricia is a lady in her late 50s to early 60s who retired early. Owns an i30 or Kia Cee’d with a baby seat permanently installed as she looks after at least on grandchild several times a week. Car is surprisingly clean for having kids in it, I suspect hubby/grandad hoovers it out and washes it at least once a week. She may bake and make jam and preserves but doesn’t go to WI.

accelerates using just 1 one-millionth of pedal pressure as she cannot handle all 79 horsepower of her 1.2 Korean barge, and her car is too large compared to the previous, an always garages Fiesta mk3 1 litre ‘Bonus’ special edition which she owned from new but died finally three years ago from using the choke to hang her handbag so it would no longer cold start.

Has never driven on a dual carriageway or motorway and dithers when turning right.

Seen driving everyday driving at 28mph to one of the following places:

- cafe in a garden centre to discuss news of no consequence to other Patricias, may leave with a Hydrangea or small selection of bedding plants after her natter.

- the grandkids’ pre- or primary school at 3pm.

- the bottle bank, normally with one carrier bag containing 3 jars.

- Sainsbury’s, which involves standing in the middle of the aisle dithering whether this week she’ll have Twining’s redbush or Tick Tock Rooibos as the specialty tea for the caddy. Drives the shopping trolley like her car.

[Lord Sterling]

Cycling Mike MAMIL (Not to be confused with that* YouTube tosser)

Mike is in his mid 50s to early 60s. He is a middle manager in some office in a the middle of a random grey town/city. He's decided to get on a bicycle to get himself healthy having piled on the pounds in his younger and busier years. His aim is to be able to get back into those jeans he bought in 1989.

He's got all the gear, an expensive mountain bike (despite never going anywhere more than a slight gradient with some grass tracks) he generally cycles in packs with other MAMILS (middle-aged men in lycra).

After a year or two of settling into 2 wheeled and leg motion power, he begins to adopt the attitude of an entitled cyclist, he basically becomes the BMW/Audi owner of the cycling world. His idols are screaming tossers like Jeremy Vine or Cycling Mikey. Any car that get even with 100 meters of him will have a hand gesture and shouts of abuse directed at them.

Eventually he will adopt the sheriff of the road mentality and anyone stepping out of line will get a swift talking to and informed that they are on camera and footage will be sent to the police. The police will invariably do nowt because various laws involving dash/helmet cameras and the simple fact that the police don't have the money and resources they used to. Mike doesn't understand this, it falls on deaf ears when informed so he'll continue his tirade.

He'll upload the footage to some YouTube channel who'll tear him into shreds in the comment section.

[Lord Sterling]

Shahzad Next Day Delivery

Shahzad is about between 21 and 25. Having worked in the warehouse of a well-known online shopping company, he decides to become a delivery driver having lost out on various supervisory roles (which he'll dress up as they really want him bro! But can't due to some made-up issue*)

Shahzad is very hard working, he takes the most parcels and does the biggest round, he often works from 7am until 7pm to finish his rounds. He tells his mates that he's pulling in over £750 to £1k a week in earnings when in fact his it's nearer £540 and £350 take home once tax, van rent and insurance, speeding, parking and late delivery fines are taken out.

Shahzad has very little road sense, he'll park his van anywhere, on bus stops, on the opposite side of the road facing traffic so long as the deliveries are made and on time. He'll barrel along country lanes at warp speed like Colin McRae in a WRC car. He wants to be at the top of the "inside the company" scoreboard, the kind of trope that you'd only know about if you work within the company (it's not an actual company policy to pit drivers against each other)

As a result, your package may be left in very stupid places like inside a bin on bin collection day, with a neighbour you don't get on with, by the door in full sight of the road and public or pushed through the letter box which invariably breaks the rare object you've bought.

The van will take some serious abuse because many drivers don't get time to take care of their van, they're stuck in vicious cycle of earning to pay off various debts and warned about not taking jobs/routes.

[Lord Sterling]

1 hour ago, dozeydustman said:

Patricia.

Patricia is a lady in her late 50s to early 60s who retired early. Owns an i30 or Kia Cee’d with a baby seat permanently installed as she looks after at least on grandchild several times a week. Car is surprisingly clean for having kids in it, I suspect hubby/grandad hoovers it out and washes it at least once a week. She may bake and make jam and preserves but doesn’t go to WI.

accelerates using just 1 one-millionth of pedal pressure as she cannot handle all 79 horsepower of her 1.2 Korean barge, and her car is too large compared to the previous, an always garages Fiesta mk3 1 litre ‘Bonus’ special edition which she owned from new but died finally three years ago from using the choke to hang her handbag so it would no longer cold start.

Has never driven on a dual carriageway or motorway and dithers when turning right.

Seen driving everyday driving at 28mph to one of the following places:

- cafe in a garden centre to discuss news of no consequence to other Patricias, may leave with a Hydrangea or small selection of bedding plants after her natter.

- the grandkids’ pre- or primary school at 3pm.

- the bottle bank, normally with one carrier bag containing 3 jars.

- Sainsbury’s, which involves standing in the middle of the aisle dithering whether this week she’ll have Twining’s redbush or Tick Tock Rooibos as the specialty tea for the caddy. Drives the shopping trolley like her car.

This, is honestly fantastic. Sounds very much like my Mum and Grandma when she last drive. Both did own Mk3 Fiestas too!

[Asimo]

6 hours ago, dozeydustman said:

Hydrangea

I read that as “Hydragas” and became most confused.

[Pieman]

@Lord Sterling Why do I get the impression that these are all people you know personally?  

[egg]

On 04/10/2023 at 17:04, RoverFolkUs said:

The scatterbrain single mum

She will be found driving different sub £1000 cars on a regular basis.

She goes through cars quick enough that she never goes through a full tank of fuel. 

It could be a Toyota Corolla, VW Golf, Seat Leon, Ford Focus. It really doesn't matter to her, as long as it's less than £1000 to replace the car that's just had an EML pop on for an O2 Sensor heater circuit that's going to cost a mighty £150 to fix so MUST BE SCRAPPED IMMEDIATELY. 

Used to be early Astra Gs round here, now this category really likes 3-door MK6 Fiestas in purple.

[egg]

10 hours ago, Lord Sterling said:

Martin "average bloke" Insignia

I think Martin might also say 'any car's alright as long as it's not French, so unreliable'

[Dyslexic Viking]

15 minutes ago, egg said:

not French, so unreliable'

This reminds me of a story from here. An owner of a Nissan was very hateful towards French cars and such crap he would never own and he had had no problems with his Nissan which showed the superior Japanese quality.

He apparently became very quiet when someone told him that his Nissan was made in the UK and had a Renault engine.

[dozeydustman]

Derek

Derek is in his sixties and slowly becoming a giffer, but will not retire from his job at the council planning department until the company effectively forces him to. Possibly married to Patricia. He may look like Robert Robinson, complete with combover.

Throughout his life he’s owned humdrum vehicles starting with an 803cc Morris Minor in 1970 when he passed his test, which amazingly lasted until 1978 when it was replaced by a Marina, then a Montego and a succession of small Rovers before moving onto Korean porridge, think Kia Magentis. Classic FM or Gold (MW) permanently tuned on the radio.

Is a member of the institute of advance motorists and still drives relatively ok, but his reactions and/or eyesight are starting to fade and has had a couple of little parking dings or misjudgements of space so there are one or two small scrapes on his car. These have frightened him and dented his pride at being an advanced motorist, so now he has started driving like his wife and parking dings have stopped. He blames it on his Magentis being a wide car.

When he reaches 70 Derek doesn’t get his license renewed on medical grounds - he’s not seen his Doctor since 1984 and has amassed a number of undiagnosed cardio problems caused by work stress and 6 pipes a day. As he cannot be seen being driven around by wife he spends most of his time at the allotment or pottering in his shed.

[Lord Sterling]

Boy Racer Baz

Baz is a low level street drug dealer and sometime building/electrical apprentice. He is skinny, tall, sounds like a young Mick Jagger albeit slower and less intelligent. He always wears trackies, dirty white trainers and often has in hands down inside his trackies. He likes to live and drive on the edge. 

He is either a friend or direct enemy of Jamie ST, or at least Jamie ST may be one of his customers and fellow car meet attendee. 

Baz invariably drives a Focus ST, Suburu Impreza or occasionally a BMW 3er of some description which he'll have bought through a mix of his low wages topped up massively by his dealing profit. It'll be modified with the loudest exhaust on the market because he wants to make as much noise as possible (for likes and attention) despite his chosen street profession.

Because of his ego, he races anyone that looks like they've got a fast car, almost every journey he drives on the edge to prove to himself that he has a fast car. He'll spend ages on trying to "mod" the engine to make it go faster despite the fact that any further pushing the tolerance of the gearbox will cause the gearbox to explode.

Inevitability, his car will end up broken in need of a new gearbox/piston etc... whilst he trundles around in an older Seat Leon diesel. 

At some point he'll feature on TV via Road Wars/Traffic cops type of programme having been stopped by a police officer after seeing some of racing antics on the public road, some class A will be found in his boot and due to previous convictions, he'll end up spending a few months at his majesty's pleasure.

[dozeydustman]

The Kewl Chix

Tall, trendy 20-something girls with a tan by Ronseal and Teeth by Armitage Shanks. All are quite attractive until plastered with cosmetics. Drive a Beetle, Audi TT or A1 in Zanussi White. Normally seen a car in a group of at least 3 doing a live TikTok while driving along. Normal topics of conversation include the Kardashians, Li'l Mix and Fat-free soy milk decaf macchiatos, when not being streamed on Social media this conversation is done by WhatsApp, despite them being next to each other.  The live stream or the conversations is so important that driving becomes the second concern, with manoeuvres taken late, harsh braking and people run off the road. Despite this, the car is miraculously scratch-free and very clean. I suspect one of the Kewl Chix has a boyfriend (or dad) who washes, T-cuts out the scratched or pays for the dents to be removed.