Cars that lost the plot

[sierraman]

They don’t want to know about the market that uses it for a living, various authorities and the army offered their opinion as to what would have made a good one but JLR basically told them to fuck off.
 

They want Ian, a 42 year old IT consultant from Sussex  to buy one and possibly tackle a wet field in it. Ian has no life whatsoever, he reads What Car and buys ‘the best’ of everything, be it potatoes or drills. He has a full cabinet of De-Walt and Festool but has to call in a man to put him a vanity cabinet up. He has beer in the fridge but he’ll only have one at Christmas because his wife says so, like she’d give a shit though as she is shagging the gardener. Ian has a cock but it’s only for pissing through, in summary he is completely emasculated. The Defender let’s him take a bit of that back though, if they got in a wet field he’d be able, with the assistance of the Defender, to show what a bloke he is. Even though nobody knows him  in the local pub. 

[320touring]

8 minutes ago, sierraman said:

They don’t want to know about the market that uses it for a living, various authorities and the army offered their opinion as to what would have made a good one but JLR basically told them to fuck off.
 

They want Ian, a 42 year old IT consultant from Sussex  to buy one and possibly tackle a wet field in it. Ian has no life whatsoever, he reads What Car and buys ‘the best’ of everything, be it potatoes or drills. He has a full cabinet of De-Walt and Festool but has to call in a man to put him a vanity cabinet up. He has beer in the fridge but he’ll only have one at Christmas because his wife says so, like she’d give a shit though as she is shagging the gardener. Ian has a cock but it’s only for pissing through, in summary he is completely emasculated. The Defender let’s him take a bit of that back though, if they got in a wet field he’d be able, with the assistance of the Defender, to show what a bloke he is. Even though nobody knows him  in the local pub. 

Are You Ian?

 

😁

[sierraman]

Just now, 320touring said:

Are You Ian?

 

😁

I wouldn’t know which way to hold up a computer. The bit about getting my card stamped once every 346 days is correct though. 😂

[Asimo]

The sadsack who used to fire-up his Audi R8 and drive it up and down past the primary school (at going-home time) now has a Noo Defender. It has a snorkel tube (of course) and that branded sandwich-box thing that clips to the side of the roof. I hope I never get stuck in a lift with him…

[sierraman]

1 minute ago, Asimo said:

The sadsack who used to fire-up his Audi R8 and drive it up and down past the primary school now has a Noo Defender. It has a snorkel tube (of course) and that branded sandwhich-box thing that clips to the side of the roof. I hope I never get stuck in a lift with him…

I’d just sit back on the fact you can’t buy a big nob. 

[Dyslexic Viking]

Volvo. They once made well made, solid workhorses which here were classless and could be found everywhere. Then they found out they wanted to go premium and that was it. 

[wuvvum]

19 minutes ago, sierraman said:

I’d just sit back on a big nob. 

Whatever floats your boat chief.

[Alusilber]

To be fair, the new Puma isn't intended to be a successor to the old one, it's just a name that was too good not to reuse...

[bunglebus]

1 hour ago, sierraman said:

every 346 days

🤔

[RoverFolkUs]

'fred closed. 

I'm noticing a pattern here, are they all competing to make something that looks as silly as possible? 

[RoverFolkUs]

1 minute ago, RoverFolkUs said:

I'm noticing a pattern here, are they all competing to make something that looks as silly as possible? 

With that being said, on balance, I think it's got to be said that Alfa Romeo are probably the best for retaining their unique styling while still managing to modernise it without making it look stupid in doing so. 

[adw1977]

12 minutes ago, RoverFolkUs said:

'fred closed. 

I'm noticing a pattern here, are they all competing to make something that looks as silly as possible? 

The new 7 series is pig ugly, but it is a big saloon car, as the 7 series has always been.  At least BMW haven't stuck 7 series badging on a bloated SUV.

[danthecapriman]

39 minutes ago, RoverFolkUs said:

'fred closed. 

I'm noticing a pattern here, are they all competing to make something that looks as silly as possible? 

I saw a new BMW of some kind the other with one of those fucking revolting grills. They really do take your breath away (not in a good way!) to see in reality. 
I can’t help but wonder though, who in their right mind designed that and thought it a good days work!? And what other twat signed it off for production!? 

[Metal Guru]

9 hours ago, big_al_granvia said:

Yeah but from the 70's to the late 90's Ford had those engineers at rallye sport who would put some white powder into the air intake and turn the boring family car into a fire breathing lunatic

Ford seem to bring out a new model that doesn’t look great , then gradually improve its looks and then have another couple of Mks that look worse before ending it.

Escort , Fiesta, Mondeo, Granada , Focus all peaked before the last model.

[sierraman]

Why’s everything designed to look like some sort of insect? 

[grogee]

Autoshite Style Council

(I count myself as a fully paid-up member) 

[EyesWeldedShut]

11 hours ago, Asimo said:

The sadsack who used to fire-up his Audi R8 and drive it up and down past the primary school now has a Noo Defender. It has a snorkel tube (of course) and that branded sandwhich-box thing that clips to the side of the roof. I hope I never get stuck in a lift with him…

Oh you mean this bargain item only £877 fitted. Has he got the 'expedition' roof rack ? That's a bargain at £1500 - my wife used to love playing at 'build your own Bini' on the web and just guffawing - she's utterly speechless after playing 'configure your own Defender'.

As to this load of wank - even if it is insanely burglar proof  - it looks like an invitation for Johnny Scrote to have a go at it just in case it's got more than your sandwiches and flask in it (it looks big enough for maybe a Mars bar too). It's basically a 'look at me and how much money I have to spend' badge.

[juular]

11 hours ago, Dyslexic Viking said:

Volvo. They once made well made, solid workhorses which here were classless and could be found everywhere. Then they found out they wanted to go premium and that was it. 

Change the badge on that XC90 and it could be any other car from the past few years from any maker.

The pic above screams to me : Car owns YOU.

[eddyramrod]

11 hours ago, RoverFolkUs said:

'fred closed. 

I'm noticing a pattern here, are they all competing to make something that looks as silly as possible? 

No, "silly" is the wrong word.  "Fucking offensive" is the correct term.

Silly suggests a certain level of amusing charm, which is totally absent.

[TheOtherStu]

20 hours ago, Conan said:

Yesterday Renault launched the new Scenic.

It's now a Crossover EV.

Also, the Espace is coming. But not to the UK.

[Soundwave]

Twingo. Simple, utilitarian, characterful, affordable brilliance in a dull marketplace. Never came to the UK though...



... until they did finally decide to bring it here. At which point it had become a fairly nondescript small hatch. Alright I guess, but nowhere near as cheeky and basic as the original.

And then this thing came along. Some bonus quirkiness points for an RR layout, but it's a pain in the arse to get at the engine, and it's trying to be upmarket, neither of which befits the utilitarian brief of the original.

[egg]

1 hour ago, grogee said:

Autoshite Style Council

Is that Paul Weller with the scarf?

[egg]

Toyota Supra

BMW Supra

[TheOtherStu]

OK, I could fill this up with all kinds of nonsense.

Firstly, I'm absolutely with the Puma. Who on earth thought that would be a good idea taking a small 3 door sports car and turning it into yet another SUV.

And next up, I give you the Mustang. Unlike most, I've no bother with EVs. I drive a Renault EV as a company car and it's functional and very cheap to run. Generally dull, but bags of torque and does exactly what you tell it. Lots of toys and you can talk to it, so I don't have to fanny about with technology.

But who the fuck thought it was a good idea to turn this

into this?

These two cars have about as much in common as Neil Kinnock and Maggie Thatcher. In that they were both politicians, these are both fast. That's where the comparison ends.

And whilst we're on the subject of EVs,  at what point did Mr Morris and his Garage envision that this

Would end up looking like this?

 

This is a Fred I think I could probably think of lots of responses to. Going back old skool, the Orion for one.

Or Hyundai Coupe. A car which took on the Celica.

And turned into some kind of clown car

 

[rainagain]

1 hour ago, EyesWeldedShut said:

 

I love how it’s called a ‘gear carrier’. “Yarr I’m just loading up my off roading gear to the Defender, yarr let’s off road. Better engage 4x4 that pot hole looks deep”. 

[juular]

1 hour ago, TheOtherStu said:

But who the fuck thought it was a good idea to turn this

into this?

Yeah this is an easy winner. They managed to keep the Mustang mostly decent and unique looking throughout its run (with the exception of the Sierra clone years).  Even the latest non-electric ones are a decent enough looking motor. 

That Mach E needs put down and flung in the sea in a bag full of lead.

[sierraman]

2 hours ago, EyesWeldedShut said:

Oh you mean this bargain item only £877 fitted. Has he got the 'expedition' roof rack ? That's a bargain at £1500 - my wife used to love playing at 'build your own Bini' on the web and just guffawing - she's utterly speechless after playing 'configure your own Defender'.

As to this load of wank - even if it is insanely burglar proof  - it looks like an invitation for Johnny Scrote to have a go at it just in case it's got more than your sandwiches and flask in it (it looks big enough for maybe a Mars bar too). It's basically a 'look at me and how much money I have to spend' badge.

That would be through with a pry bar or a cordless grinder. 

[juular]

1 hour ago, egg said:

BMW Supra

I can sort of see where they were heading with this. There is a passing resemblance to the '90s supra in there. However like many modern Jap performance cars, they just don't seem to know when to stop adding visual features, to the point it becomes a parody of itself.  There's no need for all those fake scoops and intakes, and the bizarre splitter area that looks like someone glued on an F1 car as an afterthought.

If the basic shape was kept and simplified this could look like a nice car.

[tooSavvy]

14 hours ago, sierraman said:

I’d just sit back on the fact you can’t buy a big nob. 

To paraphrase 'new defender buyers would like to sit back on a big Knob' 🤫

🤣🤣

[Asimo]

The Jaguar which confirmed they were doomed.

The front-wheel drive, Diesel, estate car. Too wank even for Hyacinth Bouquet.